a comparison:

most of you know that i'm in a band, and even more of you know that we are currently finishing up with recording and mixing down our new album. in this process, having done some recording before and having friends/acquaintances that know much more about recording than us (including our current engineer, of course), we have run across some new technologies that are indeed crazy! some would even venture into the words "unfair" or "wrong" (some definitely being me). what i'm talking about mainly are these new pitch correction abilities that we have available to us in recording software (obviously digital recording). these will make anyone, i mean ANYONE, sound as though they can sing in tune. yeah, that includes those that can't sing, but are beautiful, "easily marketable" people that you'll see outselling every artist that actually spent time working on their art as a trade and a way of life. if i recall, there was a time when if you weren't good at something, you wouldn't get to do it as your job...
but here's my comparison: these new technologies, although they can be helpful in a lot of ways, have seemed to hurt us in more. let's take the two forms of entertainment affected by similar issues: modeling/acting and performing music. for a model, the person (product) has to be good as what they do. something we call "raw talent." the look, an attitude or whatever it is that attracts us to these type of people, they've got it. not the next step is to photograph them. this weeds out a lot of people that may have everything else but the ability to show it to a camera. that's just personality, folks. but the fact is with the new technologies, a last step has come into play: editing, which then allows all of the same people that didn't have the raw talent have a chance at taking away from the opportunities that the actual talented products could have had. makeup, is bad enough, but when you're taking a far skinnier body and attaching someone else head to it and then selling that magazine cover?! there is a huge problem! not only that it saturates the market and, therefore, makes it far more difficult for the consumer to weed out the good from the bad. (i believe that the big whigs don't want us to realize it anyway!)
so how does this compare to music? i'm sure you understand the idea of raw talent. i have run into so many great musicians along my journey that i'm flabbergasted at the prospect of most of them never being heard outside of the street corner, or coffee shop that i hear them in. next is connecting with the masses with a live show and/or recording that just does it. the problem comes into play with the recording technology making it impossible to know the good from bad. i don't understand how a musical artist can have an amazing recording and not be able to perform it live... (like they did in the studio?) again, the digital technology has allowed us to be able to spread music at a more rapid rate, but at what quality? and now, i ask, what cost? i know that editing an mixing has always been a large part of the recording process, but that is like makeup. you can sense the raw talent there... it's not someone else body.
until then---

tHoUGhts wHile StaRIng at a WAll

disclaimer: this really has nothing to do with april fool's day. i promise.

an ethical question maybe. scenario: you're at work, and the day is winding down. you have hours before you're off but you are an efficient worker and have your deadlines all caught up. your boss comes in and tells you, "you can leave early today...," as in now.
here's the question: after that moment, you, the non-salaried worker, are stoked because you're leaving early, but should you be? since you are non-salaried, wouldn't that mean that you won't get paid for the time that you're not at work? does the boss do this just to save some money for the company and make him look good? or, since you've still gotten the work done that you had to in that day, and were scheduled to work from 8-5, you should not have to worry about missing a couple of hours and expect pay for a full day (i.e. your boss rules)?

until then---

thOUGhTS While StarINg At a WALl

why the heck can't i find a video of President Obama's address to congress last night? it doesn't make sense that i can find almost every television show that i missed last night, but i can't find an untainted (no pundits) replay of the leader of the United States addressing the people we elect to represent us. the closest thing that i've found for far is a transcript and audio. although this is cool because it will work, i'm pissed. internets: where are you now when i wanted you to come through? *shaking fist*

until then---

crap, i've neglected to post since last year. happy new year?
well it's been good thus far, but my purpose in posting has to do with this historical day in which the United States inaugurates its first black president into office. it falls on a day conveniently directly following a holiday celebrating a man that dreamed that one day this would be acceptable to all people alike... regardless of "race, color, or creed."
but this being that sort of day, i still look at this inauguration as i have any other: there's plenty of hope to go around, but the promises promised aren't up to the president to deliver. as the people of this republic, we have a responsibility to make sure that those promises are kept. this man we've elected has even stated himself (probably more eloquently of course) that he is just a man, and a man alone can do nothing, but with the will of the people we together can move forward to create change. the fact is, he's being placed into a system that doesn't favor change... which was his entire campaign platform. the problems that are now inherent in the system are what cause good people/politicians to fall away from their positive movements in society. these same problems cause me to think of inauguration as The Who states in "Won't Get Fooled Again":


And the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss


until then---

has it really been a year?



honestly, to me it seems like so much has happened since then, it's ridiculous. wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving... Health Tip: for the most pridefully, glutenous day of the year, that is; if you eat smaller portions throughout the entire day, you can eat EVEN MORE turkey. until then---

i was tagged:

so, as much as these sort of things aren't my favorite things to do, i've been in a saucy mood lately... or maybe it's been boredom. here it goes:

1. i've done my own hair for about 4 years and i don't think it looks bad... i've even been asked by stylists (notice it's plural) "who does your hair?"

2. although i profess the Christian faith, i was christened/dedicated when i was very young, but i've not been baptized by a church/pastor in water by submersion. i simply don't believe it's necessary.

3. my dad was teaching me piano when i was 8. i learned enough to get by, but i hated the damn thing (i still have problems today, although i now wish i'd have learned it fully then) and naively told him, "you don't see pianos in a band!" three things from that: 1) i obviously have been chasing that dream for a long time, 2) i grew up in the 80s, like most anyone that'd be reading this... there were PLENTY of pianos/keyboards in bands!, and 3) after that, he handed me a clarinet...

4. i've broken into a girlfriends' mothers' house to get her textbooks for her, then had to walk back to school (about 7 miles) coz another friend drove his bug (not mine... mine was fine that day!) and it wouldn't start when we were rushing off coz her mom was coming home (there's more travel stuff, but it's not important... you can ask if you want to know)... we made it back to school just before the last bell - in time to find out i had been elected ASB president...

5. i voted no on 8.

my parents, and their siblings, etcetera didn't.

6. the late Don LaFontaine is my second cousin. by marriage of course.

7. i know that i talk a lot and i've begun to think that it's because i'm really insecure about myself. the more i know i know about myself, the less i know.

thank you, joy, for forcing this upon me ;P Grant and Christina are the only ones left that haven't been tagged that i know of... do it! until then---

Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in you lap. The drill drills on. - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p 33.

after 3 weeks, i feel i'm actually at the point where i can truly let the drill drill on. until then---

i voted today! yet another exhilarating experience. for those interested in how i chose to vote, here's a recap of my line:

yes
no
for her
for him
but not him... definitely not him...

until then---

there are some days in which i hate my life.

yeah girl trouble again. it may really be over. until then---

THouGHTS WhILE StArinG at A Wall

if we are to be an effective part, or better yet, leader of the United Nations, shouldn't the U.S. be a united nation?

until then---

thoUGHtS WhiLe sTARing at A Wall

the drive home was absolutely silent.

after a day of busy eccentricities, his mind wandered, following the white lines on the asphalt as they flew past. he couldn't think of anything to say to her as she was equally silent and wasn't sure that he should speak. 'is that being selfish? am i just a prick?'

often times he knows that he can be this way to the dismay of many others. opinions come cheap to him but with a heavy burden on those around. 'i'll forgive him for that, but do i dare tell him so?' she only cares about losing him - 'there's no one better for me - if there is, i've no need to find out.'

getting out of the car he waves, "thanks for the ride" - the only words spoken between them for months lingered in the humid night air with no response.

until then---

thOUGHts WhiLE StaRing AT a Wall

what if we started over?

"hello, i'm __"
"i'm __, nice to meet you." *smile*
it's a lovely smile and i feel attached to it already. her beautiful, blue eyes pierce my very being and send my mind whirling through thoughts of the future - house, cars, kids. but we're here. now. i have to remember that.
whatever past she carries is less important than the present. whatever future either of us thinks of is not now and should not be considered in getting to know her here. now.
it doesn't matter that we set this up. it doesn't matter that we do have a past... with each other. that's not important now. it's important that i still love her. that although i know the past, it's where we go from here. now.

until then---

i know that it's bad timing, but i had to ask myself some questions last night and this morning that i wish that i didn't have to ask.
i received a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday from an old friend that i haven't actually seen or ever really in probably two years. not only that, we dated a few years before that so that seems like it'd be awkward, right? well let's just say that the beginning of our friendship from when we met in our junior year at a leadership camp at Pepperdine U. began with years of not seeing each other, but keeping contact. she's a musician, a great one at that, and we share much in common in that regard. the guy that finally caught her though, has to be a special gentleman... i thought that it would be impossible for this gypsy woman to settle down, but it seems she's found her match and i'm happy for her. in the handmade, personalized invitation (as a "passport" - highly appropriate...), she talks about the things that she and i talked about as we broke off our brief time together as a couple. she found someone that completes her as the other half. it sounds simple and obvious, but for people like us, to find such an extreme opposite to balance us is rare. sure, there are things that will find much middle ground and even things that the other will love that we'll have an ability for, but there's no way that we could love it as much. i read the invitation and just yearned for my girlfriend and i to be able to get pass the problems presented by her parents. i believe that that same bond that my friend has with her fiancee, i have with my girlfriend.
the reason this is so hard today in particular is that we celebrate four years (loosely) together as a couple. but for me, i'm beginning to wonder what it is that we're celebrating or what there really is to celebrate. for three of those years, she wouldn't tell her parents about her dating me and in this past year with her being more assertive towards them, still having no progress in her ability to truly commit herself to us, even as a dating couple. maybe i'm being conceited. i don't know anymore. but i've been at the point of not knowing whether when the question really comes up, if she'd actually want to become one with me in the eyes of God. i want to celebrate the happiness that we have together, but the cloud that looms is thicker than ever separating us from that happiness oh too frequently. again, i don't know, but when i think about what could be and then see what is, find it hard to celebrate and in these times regret being a realist. four years. wow. is that commitment so much to ask? until then---

on the return trip from a long day of work - music lessons and the norm - i was driving my Exploder and observed in my line of sight a really cool thing that made me happy. you know: warm and fuzzy happy. a man - most likely a father - and a little girl were out getting exercise together. the man was definitely getting his run on - the sweat had already stuck the upper-half of his shirt to his back and chest - while his daughter rode her little pink bike with much joy and fervor, having no problem keeping up with her daddy. just the idea that staying in shape, probably after a long days work and a very important habit to hold on to, includes procuring some quality time with your child and instilling a good habit in her. i just had thoughts of doing that later in life with my child... warm... fuzzy... not the children. until then---

just when you think you'd lasted a whole month without me...
i was on my way back from my guitar lesson today when i began just randomly thinking about a friend that works with my girlfriend that she gets into lunch-time religious conversations with. i don't know exactly how they go, but i found myself really wanting to have a conversation with the gent as i've never spoken with him about such matters. but i then went into a thorough process that made me go back to a time in which i feel i was reading the Word more and was more outward with my faith in general. i then realized that i haven't really been challenged with the people around me searching for Truth or for answers in general. i guess that on my own, i don't really know what questions to try to find answers to. i'd be a poor reporter apparently.
but looking back even farther than college, i remember holding many a conversation with a neighbor across the street, Nick, who had so many questions that he'd come and ask me about. this would usually happen on days that i wasn't allowed to go out and play, so this is what happened: Nick would come over and ask if i could come out and play (this should also date this too... elementary school, maybe some middle school) and whether i'd answer the door or not, i was allowed, for some reason, to talk with him untilhe had to go home. so i'd stand at the screen door inside, he'd stand outside and we would talk about faith, religion, and other things that, looking back, seem far too bizzare for children to be worried with. but we were asking real questions. things that i know that have been asked by college students, adults, and seminary graduates.
not that i had, or have the answers, it was fun for me to be able to know where to find them, and look for them. the search for the pertinence of God was more than the walk itself it seems. i feel that it's just become a walk, and i'm not sitting well with that. i've been learning a lot about God though reading the Word in a forum study and through personal search through another man, Clive Staples Lewis', work. but i feel as though my own work has not been as fruitful because it doesn't have the right questions even if it has the "right" answers. every once in a while there will be a gem, but my said challenges in my faith are wearing thin and so are, i feel, the diamonds. until then---

i am continuing my reading through C.S. Lewis' work and am now on "The Problem of Pain." this one, being much more philosophical in nature, is a much thicker read in content but merely 160ish pages. it never ceases to amaze me the relevance that Lewis has today when he was writing to a culture without many of the amenities that we currently enjoy. but i figure that it's appropriate that this is so since we are dealing with the same problems globally that existed in his time or are a cause of the problems that were created in that time. anyway, i wanted to share a quote found on page 31 in this edition that i think that anyone can benefit from, even those that don't believe in a Creative Being that defined all we know:

By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we might be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness -- the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long at they are contented?' We want , in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven -- a senile benevolence who, as they say, 'liked to see young people enjoying themselves', and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, 'a good time was had by all'. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception: I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don't, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction. (any emphasis added is from myself)

just sharing... wow. until then---

so i saw this petition thing on facebook regarding ABC's debate last Wednesday. it asks ABC to "Stop Distracting America!" it links to the "Enough Distractions" campaign brought by MoveOn.org Political Action™. even without seeing the debate, i know exactly what they're talking about. i can't bear to watch much of the coverage after the primaries and cringed at the coverage before that. i figured that i'd share what i wrote:

Not only are "debates" such as these making a mockery of American politics but ignoring candidates that don't buy into your corrupt media output and might take away from your money-making political tabloids is unacceptable and destroys the democracy in our republic. Your abuse of the power of media is appalling and must be cleaned up if we are to remedy the problems that this nation faces. It reflects poorly on the US other nation's eyes and causes larger riffs between our nation and others as well. A major power in the world is slowly becoming like the dictatorships and third world countries that US forces have spent so much time policing. Where is the media that is actually looking for the real information that affects the people? When I can get better/more accurate news from other nation's news sources, there is definitely a problem. It is fair for the people to demand that you FIX IT!

hopefully they actually read these so i think that calling them out is a good thing. check it out here: http://pol.moveon.org/enoughdistractions/?rc=fb let your voice matter! until then---

so for those that might be interested, i just did a pretty massive update in The Notebook (it's over there, too -->). i put them in order of the dates that i actually entered them into my writing notebook that i carry with me just about everywhere so the earliest one is in there from august 07... it's been a while since i've transferred anything over to the site...

oh well, i think that there's some pretty solid stuff in there... most of them i feel will be songs, if they aren't already. until then---

a message to those who hate me for no reason:
you know who you are, and so do many others.
but i'm weary of this battle, things are foggy at best
and i know that i can't gain any headway.
it's not my place to do any more than what i have thus far
but i've tried anyway, to no avail and it's taken it's toll.
i must say though that you must know that it's wrong
to hold so tightly to an idea that has failed.
your mind is quite clouded to believe as you do
and then say that you follow the Way and the Truth.
i needed to write this as i know that i've found
that i am not the one who can win this war
and i abdicate my post in hopes that a victory is possible.
i don't believe this is me in defeat
but realizing the need for a change
to advance the purpose of the conflict
and to resolve the issues lying within
you and the one with whom the power lies with.

until then---

ThouGHTs WHiLE STARing at A wAll

many days i wish that i had a recorder somehow attached to my being that had capability to be played back on command. for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to work that way...

until then---

yeah yeah it's been a while, blah blah blah....

those of you that have been to my place, know that i have a humble fish tank. and many fish in it that i love... well one of them is questionably taking advantage of that...
anyway, as with most fish tanks, death occurs as a part of the fish cycle. since these are not normal goldfish, they should generally last longer. i actually think they'd out last me if they could find food themselves...
but that brings me to today, this morning, a couple of minutes ago. i walk in to feed the remaining fish since Isamu's passing a few weeks ago - he apparently got a bit sick after his fins were slowly bitten to pieces by Lily, a much larger, genetically enhanced fish that used to be the size that Isamu only got to and also therefore had some issues swimming. the fish remaining: the five original tetra (The Quintetras), Lily, and a small catfish, Waldo. so here's the normal deal: i walk in the the living room to the tank, Lily comes up to the top smacking her ginormous mouth, i place a pinch of food above her and a pinch nearer where the other fish are so that they can get some without her noticing. btw, this is a GOLDFISH... a now extremely territorial goldfish. anyway, this is not how it goes down. i walk in, and Lily is nowhere near the top, which i think is odd, but i feed first ask questions later. i do this and watch as the tetras hide in a corner of the tank that they usually don't, Lily is in the opposite corner of course, but she' got her ginormous mouth open and it looks as though she can't get something out. at first i just think 'it's probably just a rock that went a little too far... it'll come out.' then i think, 'where's Waldo?... HOLY CRAP!' since Lily has her ginormous mouth open toward me i can kind of see inside of it. i swear that i found Waldo. she freaking ate Waldo and he's sucking on her insides for dear life! nature, man. i guess that's why she isn't hungry.
anyway, i don't think that there's anything i can do for them... they will have to duel it out. if it was a rock, i'd try to get it out, but in this case i'd kill them both, and it'd be a less awesome death... after all i'm no vet. next time you come over, i might have some new fish... we'll see, i might just fill the tank with tetras. until then---

for those that didn't realize it, i'm golden for a year from yesterday at 1918. until then---

as of late, i've been trying to dedicate even more of my time (like i don't already) to figuring out ways to get kindred fall (my band - for those that didn't know that...) more out in the world. more renown. we are making plans to record this winter, and trying to find someone to record us for a low cost on our end is going to be tough but i've already gotten some bites. we've got some solid new tunes that need to be put on record... also so that we can get a drummer to learn the parts much faster.

along with that, i'd like to be making a bit of money, so merchandising is key. aside from selling the albums once their done, we will need some shirts, etc. to sell along with it. we have tried some inexpensive methods, but listen to this one: we put the shirt designs up online. fans looking to buy the shirt, go out an purchase a blank (or not) t-shirt, tank-top, sweatshirt, or other apparel that they know fits them and that they want a kindred fall logo on. they then send us the apparel and we'll custom make it based on the fans' preferences as indicated in the order. then, of course, we'll send it back. awesome, no? i'm really trying to get a feel for the idea - to see if anyone i even know would be interested in the idea... if it were a band they actually liked and not just their friend's band. anyway, it's a time of change, and of doing thing "right", i guess, and i'm looking for some friendly confirming help. help? until then---

so today, i saw another one of those "God Bless America" stickers. i am obviously adverse to them in some way... anyway, the first thing that i noticed on this sticker is that 'God bless' is almost unreadable, and if they really were looking for God to bless this nation, they would want to emphasize the fact that God is that One that they are trying to get the attention pointed towards. otherwise, it's just some sort of twisted nationalism.

i'd guess that simply because of my questioning of the placement of words and of the nature of the person with the sticker (they also had a tow hitch cover with the iconic ichthys below the statement "HEAVEN BOUND") is not only bad for my faith, but also questioning my loyalty for the country in which i live. of course, i know that this is not true. that i, like many others (Michael Moore, Ron Paul, Jon Foreman, etc.) are advocates for the rights that we as Americans have but have not taken advantage of in many many years.

we have more recently as a nation become sheep, blindly following our "leaders" who also love to wear their own blinders. the problem is that our shepherds let the ones that go astray (the advocates for change) be devoured by the lions. especially if it hurts their pockets. i just started reading "Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold" by Clive Staples Lewis and a character in it called the Fox, a Greek slave brought in to teach the heirs to the throne, says two things that have already struck me: "Are not all men of one blood?" and earlier, "No man can be an exile if he remembers that all the world is one city." these statements are now considered revolutionary but really are no different than the teachings of many prophets of many religions around the world. Jesus, in his interpretation of the ancient Jewish teachings, Hindu and Buddhist teachings, and many of the philosophers of the ancient world (Confucius, Socrates, etc.) all taught from this same "revolutionary" stance. the people of the world are all important, and the only time to take any action that may (note: not will) harm another is when the importance of the worth of humanity is being compromised.

I recently read or heard someone that said that once he realized that the prophets were the champions of the people, not the kings, the Bible made more sense. that's life in a nutshell isn't it? the prophets aren't the power behind the execution of the law, the people are, but they abdicate their power to someone that they think will wield it in their favor without remembering what the prophets told them of. so they end up suffering needlessly at the hands of a newly elected (by the mob in battle, or by votes, or both in the same) leader.

basically, this all leads to a change in thought. if those of us with faith in Gods existence and power would stop buying in to the idea that America is IT; would listen closely to the prophets and act on the truths they speak; think on our own terms and not our leaders'; allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to see others for how they are, not what their painted for us to be; then maybe God can bless humanity... American included. until then---

the truth is spoken:


from Bryan Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness.

everything does not suck. until then---

ThOUghts WHilE sTariNG at A wAll

i was asked along with some current Chapmanites to play on the finale at a choir festival of sorts held in a Morman church in Irvine. (i may write more specifically about it later.) it left me wondering, is it possible to respect all other religions and not forsake the truth of your own - namely the Truth that Christ spoke of? i believe so. but if that is the case, why do we have Christian leaders forsaking the Truth just for the sake of respecting other's gods? until then---

tHouGHts While STARing AT A Wall

the other day i was having a discussion with a friend explaining things that i thought were cool about driving in other countries that i've been to. being that i've been only to Japan and Italy, this is obviously a generalization, but hear me out.

my experience in Italy was great and it was interesting to observe the brashnes of their driving style. the fast lane is truly the FAST lane; if you're in the left lane and someone is coming up behind you on the autostrade flashing their brights from a chilometre away, you'd better move out of the way, or you'll get run over. lanes are merely a suggestion there, as well as speed limits.

in Japan, people flash their brights to let you go ahead of them... even at a yielding left turn - if there is more traffic that needs to turn across, you let them go! also, every train track is like a stop sign... they're pretty much the only "stop signs" there. bicycles are neither a motor vehicle or pedestrian, but some sort of hybrid of the two that allow them to have the right of way on the road and the sidewalk.

these driving styles are quite different from each other but work very well in their respective countries. i was out today in traffic an realized that that may be one of the problems of our situation in California... in our melding of cultures and societies, we've not allowed for a solid driving identity; we've mixed some things that shouldn't be mixed and that's why good driving is so hard to find. there could be some deeper meaning...

also these "thoughts" aren't supposed to be this long. until then---

a man - mildly scruffy, yet not too noticably, but definitely a bit dirty - walks into the front office from the warehouse that he works in. as he walks through to pick up some papers, he non-chalantly notices a face he recognizes in the few people waiting for service in the early hours of the morning.

"how's it going, jerry? long time no see!"

there's never any direct eye contact

"things are good. just waiting to have some work done. how are things with you?"

the man, now headed directly back to the warehouse and already almost out the door -

"just another day in paradise."

ok, so i witnessed basically this exact conversation. i was mildly perplexed at the man's response. 'is he being sarcastic, or is he serious?' i mean, yeah, this is california and all, but paradise? we were in a place just outside of Garden Grove in yet another industial park, they guy worked in a warehouse, and he said his last response a bit too happy for him to be completely serious... right? i just had to mark this down... it was a weird moment for me. i wasn't sure if i wanted him to be serious about being in paradise or not. i'm still not. but one thing that i must add is that this whole time, and the remainder of the time waiting, we could hear another warehouse guy singing his heart out - almost obnoxiously, but it was great - to whatever tune there was on in the warehouse. he even came in to use the restroom and was pounding on the wall at one point in beat with whatever he was whistling as he came in the door. now that's pure joy... or he's hiding something :) until then---

friendship is a very interesting thing when you think about it. i recently was talking to a friend that stated (jokingly... well, at least that was his disclaimer): "we never hang out, so you're not really my friend." the weird thing for me about this statement is that we happened to be hanging out, all be it with a larger group, but none the less...

anyway, i feel that this sort of attitude begs the question of what friendship is or means to an individual. I hate to pick on this person, but another time - maybe even the same day - he stated: "yeah, she's not really a friend; she only calls me when she needs something." well yeah, that shouldn't be the only time that you want to see a friend, but that mere fact that you are relying on a friend in a time of need (or want) shows some sort of reliance. is that reliance a part of friendship? maybe.

the way i see it, friends are made by accident and random occurrence. common interests lead to being in the same place at the same time, and the first person to start up a conversation - verbal or non-verbal - initiates the potential friendship. when does the relationship move from a mere acquaintance to a friendship? i don't know, and maybe that's what my friend means by not really being a friend, but i do know that even though we don't hang out all that much, i would be at his side if he needed me and i'm sure that he'd do the same.

those common interests may be a door that leads to something deep, or something simple or shallow. when the entryway is shallow, that may be the acquaintance. how do we know if it's deep or not? well that's tough for me too, because when i think of something deeper, i think that it must relate somehow with the love that we are to show to our fellow human. if we should love everyone, how could anyone be worth any less to us? well for starters, we'd probably go crazy trying to keep up with everyone that important in our lives - it's hard enough as it were with friends in the hundreds... probably not even. but imagine the billions of people... we're talking God status here. the impossibility of this is actually unfathomable in itself for me. but what makes me say that i would be at my friend's side in a time of need when i'm not there just to hang out? idunno, but i have faith in that love that will make it true when it's tested.

maybe that's the difference. what you put in is what you get out. sometimes you get out more, sometimes you give more. but if you're keeping score, that's not love. so if you don't consider someone your friend, i guess consider what you've put in before what you've received. at least that's something to think about.

there seems to be a lot that i don't know about this, but i was just intrigued by the notion. i will not apologize for it :) i love you all, my friends (mi amigos, mi amici, mes amis, meine freunde, waga furenzu). until then---

ThougHTs WHile StARing at A Wall

...or while staring at a license plate holder that reads:

GOD

BLESS AMERICA

i began rapidly thinking about the opposite possibility: GOD DAMN AMERICA

then i began thinking about the differences in inflection and punctuation that makes very cool things possible. between the both of these statements, there are many changes in meaning and tone that can occur. the same three words can make you a nice person, a sarcastic person, a "godly" person, a hater, and on and on. i'm interested to see what people come up with... i think that there's one that i'd like to see America truly use... it'll be better than bombs. until then---

"The Screwtape Letters", a brilliant collection of letters compiled (and written) by Clive Staples Lewis, is quite a work. like "Mere Christianity," it deals with many of the same simplicities of Chritianity but in a fashion much more cynical of very specific courses of life. even more cynical is the piece "Screwtape Proposes a Toast" that was written later as a separate work (only a few pages long) from the 'letters' but uses the same cynical character to be the face of his own voice. i just finished reading these both and wish that i could prove to be as brilliantly poised in my cynicism as Lewis has proven to be. i don't know that everyone that has read his work has come to fully understand what he was saying, but i must say that however much of his criticisms of the world and religions of his day were true, i can definitely find him to be prophetic in much of his writing as i see that the majority of it has strong ties to the truths of todays society. i may give more specifics on a later date, but i'm just going to suggest a read of both of these works: i don't see how anyone would not feel a need to make a change after doing so. until then---

i'm scared of myself... or should i be proud? i'm turning business savvy, i think? SAVE THE ABBEY!! until then---

so i've been reading Clive Staples Lewis' "Mere Christianity" slowly through the summer and more rapidly recently. i started it on the plane to Japan didn't read it much while there or much right when i returned to the states but i've been free to read quite a bit while i'm at work care taking... or on call to care take. (i've got free time, hence the plethora of updates.) Anyway, i acquired the book from the then soon to be Mrs. Choate because she wasn't for the style in which the book was written. i didn't really think that i'd get the chance to read it as soon as i did, but i've been wanting to read it for quite some time. it was a part of a long list of other books that i have yet to read and constantly forget that i want to buy or check out so that i can read them...

anyway, although i am not quite finished, i definitely have enjoyed reading this book. it is interesting to find things that plenty of people around me have probably picked out from this text to apply in their own lives or to preach at others. there are plenty of things in here that i have taken from others to apply to my own life and to preach to others. the first thing like this that i can remember is early on in the book when Lewis is comparing a world where people's morals led them to admire those that ran away in battle or someone that sells out his closest friends to a world where 2+2=5. for those that are into radiohead (or maybe even not into them) you would recognize that from their 2005(?) release, Hail to the Thief. and being that Lewis is well renown in the world outside of Christianity, i believe that Thom Yorke may be referencing this passage and may have possibly read this book sometime in his past. who knows? but i began thinking a lot more about it and immediately hooked my attention more closely to what was being said.

C.S. Lewis just seems to have a way to explain things so simply as if it were common knowledge, but often very obviously states that it is not... even in the Christian world. something that i read today struck me when i paired it with what i was reading yesterday. Lewis spends time making effort to explain his view on the existence of God being outside of time; that God sees everything (all time) as the present. today i was reading more about the the role of Jesus and how He had always been just as God has always been. i began thinking of the people that get stuck on the "problem" of any God followers that died before Christ came into the world as a man and died for everyone to free them from salvation. also, in the same vein, if God knew already that humanity was going to fall and that we were going to need salvation from the death of His Son why didn't he remedy the situation from the start? well, if you think about the idea that God sees everything as the present, He did in fact solve the problem from the start. just another thing that we (generally) don't give God enough credit for. He knows all, but we manage to limit Him with our own limitations. yeah, let's make God restricted by his creation... right. until then---

my shirt today reads:

FACT:
Because the weather is very good today, it turns through the mountain path comfortably by cab
Music to be left to the ears is thought to be important even now

profound??? oh well. i love the shirt and that's why i bought it. until then---

oh and i finally can take a shower after almost a week of not being able to (my last shower was on friday... also LAST MONTH!). hurray, no more french baths! until then---

i was listening to recordings this morning of riffs and songs that Kindred Fall has been working on and i realized that i can't really stand the sound of my voice. it's weird for me to think about that now that i'm approaching a quarter-century of my life, but every time i heard my voice talking (not singing, mind you), i sort of cringed. what the heck? i've been hearing my voice recorded for almost as long as i've been alive, but now i find this out: my voice is annoying. i just wanted to apologize. until then---

ever been to "blah blah" land? it's way worse than "la la" land because at least there everything is cool and sometimes a new stimulant introduces itself to my existance. "blah blah" is where i find myself. this place is going through motions or at least feeling like every motion that you may think is innovatinve or going somewhere takes you ablsolutely nowhere. oddly enough, this is not a cry for help of sorts (i need attention! friends come save me from the bustling doldrums!). rather it's just a state that i find myself and i'm jsut puzzled as to how i've gotten here.

somehow i wandered in to "blah blah" unknowing of the oddities of its existance. i'm managing to get by doing most of the things that i'd like to be doing at this time. not many people can say that right after graduating... well, anything. i've got an interestingly good relationship with my girlfriend of three years (i don't have to explain myself, i love her beyond my own death). and i've got great frindships that are also very interesting, to say the least. so if i'm being entertained, or am at least interested in the life i've come to know as my own, why the hell do i feel like i'm in "blah blah"?

maybe there is no proper answer and this land is just a place that passes over periodically just to make me question everything in my life and maybe make a change that i don't really want, or on the flip side, that i really do want and have suppressed it. idunno, but it's weird. i'm having trouble writing (in general... i guess this is going ok...) because i can't really string thoughts together long enough before i realize that "i don't know anything about this! what is this about anyway?" and i drop the idea like a bad habit.

well i sure hope that this passes over. i don't like being in "blah blah" when reality is quite good. maybe i'm stretching too hard for something unattainable. i wouldn't know. i can't think of anything i want with life that's completely out of my reach. until then---

so this is love, i think as i'm sitting in my papsan, girlfriend laying curled up on me like a cat - so beautiful. it's 26 centigrade outside, but it feels about 30 in my room, and with her laying there it feels like about 34 - i'm sweating a bit. it's uncomfortable, but so soothing. she's just happy to lay there sleeping as i run many many thoughts though my mind like as to how i'm going to move my leg without waking her - my foot is asleep by now - but i also feel that sense of happiness. calm. it's something that i really haven't felt in a while in a relationship that has been tumultuous due to bigotry that you'd hope never to encounter. not in southern california. not with educated people. but it's there, still ever-present in a society in need of a transplant of priority. in a society in need of some unconditional attention. an "economy of mercy," as i've once heard it called, i think describes it well. this economic thought runs deep. no religion, no morals, no agenda. but it's common. we all feel it, even if we're loaded with cash or stuff that can turn into cash. problem is the ones that can actually see it are afraid of the ones they believe are the only that can do anything about it and the ones that only feel it can afford to numb the sensation. a lot like my foot... numb. but even that is uncomfortable. it's uncomfortable to see the world around me being taken over by a way that i don't see as my own and i don't think anyone should be forced into. if you want it, it can be there, but "not everyone is meant to go to college" - i heard that somewhere, too. not everyone is meant to be wallowing in debt, forced into work that their self would have knocked out for even thinking the notion. there is widespread belief that you cannot affect change. i say, you can't tell me what i can and cannot do, but that's another discussion. change is positive is you want it to be, negative if you want it to be. someone else's change for good may be a change for your bad. i see our commonalities to be beyond good and bad. this is beyond religion, morals, agendas. there's something about being uncomfortable for a few minutes while the woman who will love you forever takes a little nap. it's been a long day. we all need it once in a while. until then---

THOUGhts WHILE STarING At A WALL

checking to see if you have you fly undone is like checking to make sure that you have you name on a test. you just got to do it! totally random i know, but hey, it's true.

playing page boy again. it's inbetween rain and stall, luckily, since the pages that i'm delivering are exposed... and there are only three, stapled nicely together, but flapping noiselessly in the light brisk wind. i can tell that the wind will be bringing more rain, just don't know how soon.

mission accomplished, i leave 434 and immediately it begings to rain - that Southern California rain that the rest of the world laughs at - and i wish that i'd considered taking my umbrella when i'd left to deliver. at least some knit gloves. i don't even know if i have them with me, but i can assume so. i had no reason to remove them from my back pack. i never have reason to remove anything from my back pack. i'm looking forward to lower back massages and visits to the chiropractor; i saw it on my palm along with my 1.5 kids.

i see a Schwans delivery truck. doing a similar job as i, but he knows what he delivers brings smiles upon the faces receiving his goods. i am reminded of home, my sister and i chomping on the mini pizzas and washing them down with ice cream sandwiches. my diet hasn't changed. i can't afford for it to. well not yet.

even in the cold, i wanted to order some ice cream from the man, but not like he would stop: the light was green and i should have signaled about 30 steps ago. even then, i don't think he's the ice cream man. "STOP WARNING CHILDREN" donned the last one of those that i saw. hooray for sentence structure. who am i kidding? i don't even capitalize my sentences. ah convention... whatever that means.


until then---

so i know that this is a couple of days late but here's my V-day rant:

actually...

i'm not feeling the rant.

i didn't see anything to make me feel as though i need to rant about the commercialism of the holiday. i spend most of my time just reminding people of the saint that it is so named after. i didn't say much more than that, as i don't actually remember all that he did. i just remember him being a rather righteous fellow with a few good ideas that led to our cannonizing of him in a holiday. look him up. he's like St. Niklaus...

anyway, in short, i ended up actually doing something on V-day. my girlfriend (of almost 2.5 years now, wow) has never done anything for the holiday with a significant other. as much as i don't really like to endulge in the actions of overkilling a holiday and destrying it's meaning and purpose, she still wanted to do something. we just went to dinner, but it was a nice date. time to get away for a moment with the one that i love so dearly. to me it was just the 14th of february, a wednesday, and a night out. to my girlfriend it was a beautiful Valentine's Day spent with the person she loves. which is better? i've yet to know. happy belated V-day. until then---

i just deleted the first words of what may have been the beginning of this sentence at least 10 times... i don't know why but i really wanted the sentence to be good. i still think that it sucks, but it has achieved it's purpose. moving on...
i just finished watching "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" which may be one the most amazing stories that i've heard in a while or may ever hear. this guy is amazing and i'm reall upset with myself (though it may not be any fault of mine) that i had no clue who this guy was until i watched the film. i wouldn't have watched the film if it weren't for Kyle. (God i'm going to miss being right up the street from him...) if ou have the means, and are an artist of any sort, freaking check out this film. Kyle also suggested i watch "Touch the Sound" which i had done a while back, and that is amazing too. watching stuff like that makes me feel like i've done nothing with my pasion that they've taken to a level of masterpiece and are uninhibited by anythign that surrounds them. sounds like playing the line of insanity, but is it? what's crazy is to think that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result. but in art, can't that happen? just watch the films... if you know me, i'll hold on to them for a while longer (i've already had them both for 2 1/2 months). until then---

hopefully this isn't just another feeble attempt to get back into writing. i've missed it and have basically just pushed my extra-curricular writing to the side for the sake of keeping up with my school-work. it's a lame excuse.
so what happened first was that my band did happen to make it to the second round of the battle in which we were soundly beaten, but not without a fight. we put on a damn good show and, for the most part, played very well. a talent scout saw us and requested that we contact him. that's in the works right now. other than that, we're in the search for a drummer again, which really slows down the momentum that we were building up. we're getting calls left and right for us to play shows, but we can't do them without a drummer... they're just not condusive.
so i'm on to my last semester and that's really exciting. we'll see what happens next. this past semester has allowed for me to read more shakespeare then i thought that i could handle.. comedies and histories. geez, that guy was talented. there's a lot that i can glean from the writing that Bill has done and i'm finishing the set of folios next semester (romances and tragedies... quite depressing, really). it'l be good in the end to be able to have more time to work on what really matters to me: my music. hopefully i'll be in a place where that works out. nearing the end of another year, looking to the future. until then---

if kindred fall doesn't advance in the battle of the bands we're going to be done for a long while. i plan not to even pick up my guitar for thirty days after our elimination so that i may indulge myself in other things; spending more time writing, reading, etc. i don't know when things will resume, but i assume that they will at some point... way down the line. until then---

i just finished reading Deep River by Susaku Endo. Nicole let me borrow this book before she left for italy and pretty much right after i'd returned from japan. i left japan with a feeling that i can't really explain in words. the country is, in a sense, an identity search for itself. and it's not like most of us are not in that same search individually but for a country that has, as an entire nation, endured the true problems of following a single-minded madman (WWII; germans are very similar to this description, so i have heard), they are all in some sort of a search. the older generation looking upon the younger with much harsher distain than "oh, when i was your age...", or, "back in my day...", and the younger all wanting to find their unique selves similar to how their western counterparts are able to do freely creates an order or tradition mixed with our western capitalistic bs that we cling on to in the west and force down others' throats at every opportunity. religion seems to scare most of them... even buddhism (which i'm sure that most in the US would tend to think they all are buddhist) is more of a tradition there than any other i've seen practiced in a country known for it (yup, even the two-service-a-year/TBN Christians are practicing less tradition... or maybe there are just less, and less...). the book hits a lot of these type of things and i recommend reading it. it's a good book to just dwell on a bit and raises a lot of questions about the Christian faith (posed also as 'european Christianity') and a few other ideas about life purpose... it even leaves with a cliffhanger! (which, i must admit, i don't know if i liked, coz i'm not sure how much it added to the story. you decide.) i finished it only thinking of Switchfoot's "Happy is a Yuppie Word." a great song, but there are times when i haven't really been feeling or have forgotten it's power and wasn't thinking of the larger picture that it was created from. Jon Foreman took the piece from Solomons' Ecclesiastes and i think that Solomon was indeed wise and that his words are spoken well through Jon's interpretation. i'll leave you with it:

Everyone dies
Everyone loves a fight
Nothing is sound
Nothing is right side right
Evening comes, when the sun goes down in red
Nothing is cool
When will all the fighting end

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out (cash out)

Everything fails
Everything runs it's course
A time and a place, for all of this loving war
Everyone buys, everyone's gotta price, and nothing is new
When will all the failures rise, rise!

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out

Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word

Looking for an orphanage
I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down
I don't believe the emptiness
I'm looking for the kingdom coming down
Everything is meaningless
I want more than simple cash can buy
Happy is a yuppie word
Happy is a yuppie,

Nothing is sound

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
Happy is a yuppie word

So calm down, yeah!

until then...

today we are taking a break from intense travelling around and planning the rest of our days here in the land of the rising sun.. though i think that i've seen it only about twice all trip. it's typhoon season so i think that the cloud cover is over the whole country but it only chooses to rain in some parts of it. anyway, our plans to see a majority of a country that is roughly the size of california (but smaller) have been slighty put off by a family friend, Taro, who is awesome btw. he informed both me and nichole that to see all that we were thinking of seeing, like one of the largest feudal castles in Japan, is like taking a trip from cali to see the statue of liberty. my mind is thinking "no way... that's sooo much further away," but i then realized that when we went to Tokyo, there were Japanese tourists there... the same way we get them in th states. (actually kind of funny.) so our plan is to see all that is in the area. for instance, we plan to climb mt. fuji. very imprortant. it'll be awesome. anyway, the days have been good, and we've learned a lot about the love that the Japanese have for americans and why that exists and many other things. oh, and i heard a really good Japanese band on the radio at the mall last night. i didn't get the name, but it was the best imitation of anything that we have in the states that i've heard. not my usual style of rock i'd say, but i'd listen to it because it's Japanese. interesting outlook on things right now i think. things are good. Nichole just mentioned the Pokemon center... i think we're set on our plans for the day... until then---

so, i'm in Japan. that's pretty cool. i probably just finished having one of the most stressfull days ever... moving sucks. Also, pulling an all-nighter just before changing timezones to the other side of the world = not a good thing. but it shall be good anyway. until then---

i know i joke and say "gosh! i hate my life!" i think now a large part of me really does. or maybe i've just been lying to myself all along. i was listening to Sheryl Crow (look, i'm a fan... deal) and her song "If it Makes You Happy" came on. here's the lyrics:

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

sure, i don't get stoned, but i know that i would if i didn't mind the idea of putting smoke in my lungs, and dammit, i'd get freaking wasted every night if my girlfriend's voice wasn't always in the back of my mind. i'm thankful for that, because nothing else is really stopping me from doing those sort of things. i've in a sense given up, and i don't think that anyone cares. that's fine, it's not your job. it was inevitable anyway. i'm not as cool as anyone ever thought... i knew it all along. people may call me humble, but reality is that i just tell the truth. when people tell me "you're good at" this or that, or "you're a great friend" i definitely never agree. if i have, i must have been very ill that day. i don't see it. i'm very focused on my goals, and i'm finding them quite stale at the moment... and to be honest, i don't have much backing me up. it sounds like i'm complaining to me... that sucks. i'm sure some out there would tell me "oh no, you're not complaining, it's good to get these things off your chest..." well why the fuck don't you care to ask me? i'm really good at hiding under my smile... my teeth look too good not to try and show them off every once in a while, but wtf? i'm not really happy. i feel trapped by everything. i've got no real friendships anymore. all of those who were once friends are now acquaintances if not lower down the totem pole. and yes, i'm freaking busy, but so are all of you, so don't get pissed off at me that "we don't hang out." and by the way, i don't always have to make the phone call. basically i'm at a very stale point in my life right now. nothing is really all that exciting. but everyone else still is very excited about nothing. that's right. nothing. or you are all faking it too. why the hell am i so sad? until then---

i "only call people when i need something from them." apparently, i don't have for my friends. i'm glad they think of me in such ways, and then do the same for me, or don't call at all. until then---

THOuGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

sokay...brilliant one. i was wondering why we have all of these winter songe...."winter wonderland", "frosty the snow man", "chestnut roasting on an open fire"... and for the most part, they are only sung during Christmas time! do they not have any meaning other than Christmas? in reality, winter doesn't even start til literally right before Christmas! so what the heck? same with actual "Christ-being born" songs. there are few that i know that will sing those songs "out of season." yeah like there's a time when Christ's birth is out of season. anyway... riddle me that! unitl then---

THOUGHTS WHILE StARING AT A WALL

what is it about our human particularalities (what a word...! that one's good, even if it's not real) that makes us not want to take the first stall in the bathroom? finish off the peanut butter? stuff like that. i mean, someone's got to do it, right? why don't most of us want to be that person. the last cheese danish is there at a party... if noone eats it it will got to waste. just take it! i guess it's similar to the mentality that ends up with people killed coz noone would help. idunno, where does this idea/mentality/particularality come from? until then---

so i just got to thinking: Thanksgiving is probably the only truly American holiday that means more than just a rememberance day, or honoring. though, come to think of it, i can imagine some people thinking of it in that way. they'd celebrate the holiday, only because they have always celebrated the holiday. it's rote, and if the office was open, they'd be there...especially so they didn't have to see uncle joe. then celebrating it would include (not that this is bad...but i'm saying including the mentality) an outing to norms (or maybe better... it's the first place that came to mind... it's right up the street!), a quick happy thanksgiving to the family, eat and then go back home. yay, we just went out to celebrate thanksgiving! all i'm getting to is that this is one holiday that i think cannot be lost in the shuffle as a reason to just have a day off, or be over commercialized. there's something in the nature of the hoiday that should cause it to really stand for something more. and if people are willing to open up and be real about it, even those that don't have much can see many reasons to be thankful. and that means reasons to come together as a nation to celebrate that. until then---

THOUGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

(i came up with a segment called "thoughts while staring at a wall." i figure that it'd be a good way to post more often and to not have to be profound. the idea came to me while in a bathroom... staring at a wall... you can figure the rest, but 'we all do do it,' i thought to myself, 'and i'm sure we have random thought while we do.' so these may come from shower-time, potty-time, or whatever. here goes nothing...)

water is quite facinating. think about it: we as humans are at least 66% water and yet, as we touch it, it does not conform to our being. or even as it touches anything else for that matter. and the way in which it evaporates or even the fact that it does... i'm in awe of the h2o. until then---

"Dream a dream so big that if you just get half of it, you'll still do okay. But don't hesistate. Dream big, man. Throw it out there. Lay out in bed at night and think about the biggest dream you can in you field and prepare yourself to do it. If you can see it, you can be it."

that is a quote from Quincy Jones (if you don't know who he is, look him up...very important person to music). i've been mulling over that one for a while... it's the quote of the month in my school planner, so i've had a while to sit one it. since the month's almost over i guess i should have something down by now...

"Dream a dream so big..." i don't think that i could live without my dreams. they give me hope. i know that they have to come from somewhere and for some reason, so i need to pay attention to them. i have weird dreams though, and the one that i'm chasing now, i've been chasing since middle school. i think that scares me more than anything else is that fact that i've been chasing for so long, what will it be like to catch it? i do sit up at night and dream/think of the biggest thing that i want to do, and i don't know if i'll ever get there, let alone be moving any closer to it. for being so focused in my consious as to what i've been chasing, i don't seem to be getting any headway. i know and believe that i'll get done what GOD wants me too, and also know that he give us the desires of our hearts, minds, spirit... so HE wouldn't do this to me in vain. but at the same time, what is in vain to me, may not be to Him. what He may place in my mind, i guess i may never achieve, but it will drive me to where He wants me to be. for me, either i'm blind or too needy, but i feel that i need some sort of reassurance that i'm headed the right direction. i know that my life was never meant to be easy, and i've come to terms with that somewhat, but i would like to have some way of knowing that this will come to something that i've had on me for years and years. i've gained and lost (definitely, at least in their closeness) many great friendships because of my choices to follow this dream... it takes a lot more time and i can't spread myself anymore thin than i already have been.. or can i and i'm just not trusting enough? i don't know at all.. never have. probably never to say i do... i guess i could work on that. more trust. more faith. though (as i've said before) i have faith that GOD will come through for me, and that He won't put me in a place that i'm not stong enough to get out of, buti never know when i'm being tested in my resiliance, or in my patience. try that one for size. until then---

sometimes you have to wonder: how much change can someone handle at one time? so many things in my livfe have changed dramatically over the past year that it's crazy. then these past couple months have exponentially changed more, and these past few weeks...

i'm really just getting to the point that i don't know how much i can handle. and like i said a couple of weeks ago when i was talking about God not going to bail me out this time, i'm still at that point. i believe still that He won't give me anything that i cannot handle, but when the problems of my life affect others' lives, that's when i can't take it anymore. i'm at the point right now that i don't know if i'm ever going to get the reimbersement check from Chapman for my loan that i just took out so that i could pay for "extrenuous(?) school costs." i should be doing literally 'all right', but i'm finding more and more things to be scared of like this and time is creeping up on me like a cold autumn wind. i'd like to think that my spiritual life is much better than it was even a couple of weeks ago, but i've not really gotten the teaching that i'm used to getting every week just about, nor am i haveing the fellowship with some loved ones that i feel to be a neseccity. it suck even more when i'm so busy, and i set a specific time aprat for that, and it just can happen. there's always so much to think about. my brain doesn't stop, and i get depressed when i think of the state of things... not for me, but for all of us. and the fact is, i know that there are others much worse off than i am. and that's where i'm stuck: how can i feel this way about myelf when there are so many others that don't even have it this good? until then---

yeah i know that this is unconvetional being that i live right up the street from the "Big A", but finally...! THe White Sox are in the World Series!! after gme two , it wasn't even a battle anymore. i think that the Angels rolled over on this one. All i can say is, root the Sox on if you got beat by them... (that means the lot of you, hehe, sweet..) oh and i guess you can send all your "i hate the Chi Sox" mail to me for now.. i just wanna read it, and be happy that there can be such mail after 88 years of not having the privilege. that's all. until then---

i know that it's been years since i've updated the look of this page, butfor some reason the old script wasn't working anymore, and you couldn't read anything. not so good. i had to change it, and i'm sad. the old layout was much more simple and i liked it that way. but some things have to change i guess...

so i was just randomly thinking about me and most of my friends and how most of us are lucky enough to have traveled a bit of the world and have even picked out places that we'd rather be outside of this country. i must say at this point that i don't think that it's a lack of love for our own country (at least entirely), but more out of our consiousness of what the U.S. looks like to the rest of the world and we don't want to be a part of that. i don't know... besides places in europe are so cultured in something based not in gain as much as they are in... culture, i guess. idunno. just a tidbit of my thought and not very organized or put together... but how is that any different than any of my other posts? until then---

well i'm sitting here and i've decided to come back to this page that i've not been to in far too lang. i think by now all the thousands of people that used to come to this site are finally gone and i can finally just write. (right, and not like i wanted it anyway). i've really nothing to say, like usualy. not even a good story. i'm felling kinda sick... screwy in the head from it, and it's not too fun. i'm consistently tired, and it may have to do with the late nights with my girlfriend but i fall asleep there... that's why it turns into such a late night. anyway, i hate being sick. i'm flat broke at the moment, and it's scary. i'm actually very frightened at the idea that God may not help me out with a miraculous appearance of money this time. i'm in a huge hole and i need to find a way out. my girlfriend is trying her hardest to help me out, but i'm stubborn and besides, she should have to do such a thing... or even want to to the extent that she is. i love her so much. she truly cares for me in a way that i can't comprehend. if only her parants care about what she thought about anything the way she cares form me. that's a fun topic. anyway, i think thati'm done for now. i hope to stop by more often. ciao. until then---

i need to write. it's been far too long and i really don't know what to say. i realized last night that i find myself doing entries in my head and never actually getting aroud to typing them out. my mind works a milea a second and never actually works anything out. a lot like my entries, it never says much. thinking to myself is becoming a bad thing. i betray everything that i believe in when i begane to have conversations in my head. there are many things that i'm proud of thinking through, but not many enough. i've come up with different ideas of what my faith is really about and i've been challenged to think that way. not bad. that should happen with your faith. it should make it stronger. if your faith isn't challenged, what is it you're believing in? this goes into many other discussions that i could have, but there's always two thing that i find myself thinking about when it comes to being challenged. i'll just leave it at: i believe i'm a good guy, and grew up that way, and i have musical talent that surpasses a majority of the population (i'm not being cocky, i know plenty of people with as much or more talent than i, but i'm talking world here... they've got other talents i can't touch). believing these two things has been challenged and often times i've not had faith in them. why should that happen if i believe them to be true? i've found recently that this world is all about what you know. but just knowing something is a cop-out and it fails in many ways. i believe that if something is true, you have to believe it's true, not know that it's true. belief comes before knowledge, that's why we test things. i recently heard a story from a friend about how when she first became Christian that she tested God. it's hard for me to identify coz that seems something that you shouldn't do and i grew up learning that somewhat. but i think that there is definitely good merit in that. there's a book i 've read most of (it's short), Prayer of Jabez, which is about petitioning God in prayer. i've never been one to ask people for things. i hate doing it and i think that it makes me faulty as a leader and has caused me stress in other areas. so asking God which above all that and already knows everything is sometimes very hard for me. i know that he has my best interest at heart when ever things happen to me that i don't understand so that keeps me even more distant at times. as i know that He's got control regardless of what i do. this God that doesn't need humanity, but wants to enjoy our lives with us. our simple minds that cannot grasp the concept of relationship. this spills over into our human relationships and doesn't allow for that perfection that He has for us. His example that He had die for us, made it seem simple, but i think the skeptics are right to think that we don't get the whole story in the Bible. though for them this discredits the Bible and what it's saying, i believe that it shows human inadequacy and God's ability to use us through that. the fact is He's made Himself known throughout the world. even in places that have never heard of Him have been able to see and acknowledge His work. the 'good book' helps us to believe with suffecient reason, as opposed to blind belief. but it doesn't give all the answers and it's ben twisted and turned around in so many ways. it must be remembered that though the whole book is truth, the truth is spoken only by God (i.e. those with red-letter New Testaments... it'll be the red-letter). and that's the one thing that i can know. until then---

i've definitely decided that i'll never know the way that things are 'supposed' to go with me. my life, especially as of late, has really thrown me a lot of curveballs and sliders.... maybe more so knuckleballs. for those of you that don't know what a knuckleball is, it's pretty dang evil. basically in any ballsport (namely baseball and soccer in my case) when the ball is thrown or kicked and i has no spin on it. none. in any direction. what this caused the ball to do is kinda float around in weird ways to it's destination. seriously, the thing wigs out. with that analogy, i have absolutely no clue what thing is going to come up next with the way my life is looking. i know that i have many decisions to make, and i have to make very smart choices with them but i have no clue what new perils any of those choices may bring. the idea that 'famine comes before the feast' or 'the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour' has really come to a possible reality for me. i'm begining to truly believe that love is quite arbitrary and will just as easily pass me by as sweep me off the street. my love for music has caused me so much pain emotionally through it's odd musing. and that lack of control over those emotions has caused me to want to be calloused to them. that doesn't make good music. in fact, that can't make music. music is fueled by emotion, and i believe i've got it running through my veins. i'm a wreck due to the music in me. it needs out, and it needs truly be unleashed. i've re-evaluated my decision as a student to change from my original music major to liberal studies. i've found that to be the demise of my sanity. a friend (that i was dating at the time) said to me, "us musicians are far too passionate." that is the utmost truth (and i'm thinking is the reason that i'm not to be dating a musician, but that little fact aside...) and i found that i couldn't quell the passion for music in the mediocre major that is liberal studies. i've become my own tyrant. alone in my dictatorship of self. my world is confuzzled and i'm lost in it. it takes me in, chews me up, and regergitates me over and over. i feel the same things but stronger, and i get into similar pickles but larger and more life changing. "nothing is new under the sun." life is repetitive. it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are. i'm lost... and a much as i enjoy getting lost, i like to know that there will be a destination. until then---

i miss the sun. and i'm tired of rain. really tired. kinda fed up. i couldn't live in a climate that is normally like this for this long. the last time i remember this much rain in socal was the "el nino (i like "negro," hehe)" year. and again, i'm not in the mountains. i think i could do snow, but rain... you can't do as much in. snow is much more fun. that's all. until then---

ahem! *tapping an imaginary microphone while gesturing for everyones attention* AHEM! *he stands on a soap box ready to begin...*

yes. it's that time of year again. that time, when i always have something to say. something right. something wrong. something to think about. if i'm not mistaken, this is the fourth anniversary of this 14th day of February posts that i've been able to enlighten myself with. oh yes, and all of you...
i feel as though i'm late on this, but it's been a busy day. like all of the corporate whores, this year i did a little exploiting of a holiday that used to mean something: i was a delivery boy this morning. i delivered flowers to many a non-expecting person today just to make money. and though there was a slight enjoyment of seeing happy faces, i returned the favor only in hopes of a tip. sad? yeah, a bit, but when your as poor as i am, there's no time for that sort of expensive enjoyment.
so, unlike last year, i was not even planning on doing anything for this special day though everyone around me seems to have caught some sort of fever. it's interesting to watch. and though i'm sad that, i have no one to share the "corporate whores day #1 of the year" with if i wanted to, it's been a pretty good day. as a friend of mine mentioned to me, "it's 'reminder of being single day'" (or something like that... it was about 10 hours ago). no big deal. i've really been too consumed with issues that are haunting me and taunting me to the point of insanity. i'm not myself. according to my recent aim away messages, i've become many different parts of jack. very melancholy and you can see my last post. enough said. it's been rough. the last thing that i need is the trouble that i put myself through just trying to make it. so far, today is marking something of a change in how i am approaching everything. i had goals and i feel that i've been trying to settle for something short of what i could do with them. my new goal is to stay the course, no matter how tough, how many times my heart has to break, my spirit stomped on, or my very being crushed. i'm holding on to what i believe... not what i know. since i'm finding that what i know is useless to me anyhow. it just gets me into trouble. thank you and good night. until then---

i know that noone wants to read this, see this, or hear this, but what ever... this is my blog and i do what i want. i don't give a damn about Rawanda or a freaking hotel there. not now. i don't think that that's wrong when you can't even make your rent, you can't pay for school at a JC after getting kicked out of a private university and therefore can't get back into the university, and if i'm not going to school (which is becoming a better option even with this) at leat half time, i will have to start paying back school loans. it's not all about money, but we live in a world where it is all about money. in the world not of it. we're stuck here for as long as God wants to keep us here (and i'm hoping not too much longer for myself... i'm quite over it at this point), and that means that we're confined by it's rules. i hate those rules. my soul yearns for home, and my body yearns for life here. my souls hates it here, and my body won't quit. when will it? i was driving back from a show that i helped out with putting on (i got used for my PA) and i seriously thought for a bit 'how cool would it be to drive this car at 100 over the interchange?' i mean really. floating for a bit then plummeting to the ground. i thought that it'd be like a rollercoaster 'til i hit the ground. i'm too big a wuss to do something like that. i didn't let Tyler Durden let me let go of the wheel. obviously... i'm typing this now. there's so many times in my life that i've thought of doing things like that... but i'll just say that it's been a long time. these thoughts coming back are a little freakiy, but a little warm. it's the battle inside me that i've got to fight. on side will lose, and i don't know which i want to win. until then--

i feel i'm antisocial. i can't seem to get it right, what ever it is. there's something wrong with me and i can't put my finger on it. is it my unfortunate problem; my heart and mind fighting each other? dueling pawns in a masquerade? i don't know what to look for. what to read. i don't recognize myself anymore. though i look the same, everything will change. my head, it spins, and i don't wanna leave the room. but i do. i want to see. maybe i can be somebody else. i'm alienated. i've done it myself. i think. therefore, i must be? or maybe it's you that must be because i think. blur is more like radiohead than i thought. so much for thinking.
so poor, i make no living. what do you see in me? i don't think you do. i dont' think you know what you see, what you want. who you are, who you want... to be? well i did... yesterday. not anymore. i've lost it all... i thought that was enough. that's what i remember. "only the losers win." that's what i thought a time ago. now i wish that were true. i haven't found that just yet to come to pass. what happened? my plan hasn't been Yours for how long now? i wouldn't know... i though it was doing pretty good. there i go... thinking. here i come... until then---

driving to and from this place is always going to be great. driving to get there, i see hills and hills of green grass. it's like driving the autostrade in Sicily, except here, you have to pay for it. when it's clear, as it has been, you can even see the ocean way off to the west/right. so great. but the really awesom thing is leaving at sunset hour. a thin cloud cover had rested upon the sky in the past few hours, but when going home, it created a radiant pink/orange/white expanse across the sky. in one section where you can see the ocean (now on the drivers side), it was so clear that i could see the beautiful Catalina streched across the horizon while on the right, light purple snow-capped mountains rise above the low lit still green hills. the sun underneath the clouds, and setting on the island created such a beautiful portrait. if i wasn't going about eighty and not in the fast lane i may have stopped. i wished for a passenger, not only to have a chance to photograph it, but to actually stop with you and enjoy the moment. i hope to catch a similar moment while i'm with you. not just in my mind, wishing you were there. until then---

so right now we are currently in the studio. as it stands, i'm actually the only one in the studio, hence me taking some time to update with the happenings. AC has officailly disappeared for a while... noone knows where he went. Kyle went back to the house to get some things for the drum kit, just to get rid of some ringing, and some tea for me (thank GOD). speaking of God, he's been pretty good to us so far, despite initial shocks. we'll just say that i've been praising him since 8.00 this morning. it's been good and tough all in the same sentence. due to the weather, many things have changed for the weekend, and many things have almost been postponed, etc. we almost didn't have Kyle here this morning due to rough sea conditions due to the 'storm' that we're having currently. we almost had no way to get anything done as far as recording coz we couldn't get anything working... kinda like freshman year, but we got a hold of Josh V. luckily and got some coveted equippment that got us out of a jam. AC seems to have made it back now, so now i'm not alone... haha. so in the same words, God has been good. unfortunatly, i seem to have caught some sort of throat bug, and it's not friendly. my speaking will be limited (and all of my friends and aquaintances just exahled a "thank God for that") in hopes that i will be able to sing up to par when it comes down to recording the vocal track. in prayer on that one for sure. so it's a good start... we're thinking of camping out in here for the next couple of nights... haha... maybe. it could be fun...it is very warm... anyway, when you start the day seeing your favorite lady friend, how can you go wrong? (i won't answer that...it's rhetorical and very specific to the situation). anyway, off to continue setting more stuff up. until then--

captain's log:: ...now.
today we embark on a new adventure. all of my preparation has come down to these next two weeks. we practice then we put it all out on record. what fun that will be. unknowing what to expect entirely, let the good times roll. may God bless our talent. documentation noted. until then---

happy new year! well i'm going to start by a definition of a word found in the NIV of Proverbs 21:24: overweening. as defined in Dictionary.com by the NY Times: getting a little uppity, and needed to be slapped down. ah...good times already. until then---

i heard my first real emergency brodcast system interruption on the radio yesterday. it was kinda cool, but kinda freaky, coz it seemed as though i was the only one that heard it. even if it was for the city you were in (and it doesn't specify for a while) wouldn't you just be a little wary of what's going on? maybe it was just on that station and noone else was listening. oh well, but that's a precursor to the weather that we've been having the past two days. this may be the one storm that we have all year. it's kinda freaky cool. i know that weather patterns are all screwed up coz a friend told me that there were tornado warnings for Catalina Island. what the deuce? the weather has been soooo east coast out here. it's been really really windy and the rain... is actually musch closer to looking like real rain! it has volume and everything! it's not mist! this should top it off though: so last night i went to bed to the sound of loud rain and wind. and woke up to the normal weekday sounds of someone working on a house (e.g. powersaw), and the sun! alright. the storm's gone, right? haha, nope. suddenly the wind picks up a bit and huge, fat rain drops begin falling. no more powersaw.
i'm excited about this weather for some odd reason. i guess it gives me a reason to stay inside instead of me just doing it in spite of the sunny weather. but i'd like to be up in the mountains now. i'd be diggin' the snowfall that is probably chillin' up there. oh well it's cool. i played board games over the internet with my good friend. that's fun. it' as good as it gets with them since they can't come and actually hang out (which really sux), but it was fun. good times. boardgames and rain. what a combo. for the record: it stopped raining again. until then---

plumbers are here working on the showers coz mine's been tripping out and the landlord decided to fix them both. i forgot how bad soldering smells. my head hurts now. the plumbers are comedy though. today i've had to remember not to store my treasures on earth where thieves steal. thieves being the bank. they jacked me for more than i'm worth an i'm pissed about it. i just went and paid it off since i'm already being charged $5 a day on top of the accrued charges. i hate money.
so preparing for Kindred Fall's big recording extravaganza is already crazy. i don't even know what i can do anymore. chapman u. (where we're recording... sound's like freshman year) is pretty much closed down for another week, so checking out the facilities is out of the question. people said that they were down with the practice dates and recording dates, but knowing them i feel as though i need to be with them the whole time reminding them. i know for sure that more than one of them will forget and then, all of a sudden, won't be able to make it. that's just the way it's been so far and i have no reason to doubt that it will happen again. i'm preparing all the songs and making sure they're playable and thinking about what i may want instrumentally and tempos and blah and blah. good stuff, but i'm pretty much done with what i can do by myself. (good ol' metronome.) and last night... well all yesterday all i did was work on the Breakfast Epiphanies and Kindred Fall sites and i'm thinking that things are finally coming together better on those...more so the KF site, but there's a lot more to the BE site than when i can do all at once. arrrrgh. i'm out. until then---

i just want you to know that God loves you more than anyone ever will... including them. i can't stand to see you like this... or hear you. which ever, i care for you too much to just sit back and listen. active listening is where it's at i tell you. please, don't let them get you down. you're beautiful and have got a lot going for you. patience. remember that God has you first and foremost. paul wrote to us "don't let them look down on you because you are young, but rather be an example." adn even though he said for us to "obey them, coz it is right," they are not to upset, aggravate, agitate, anger, annoy, bug, disturb, or embitter us but bring us up in the ways of the Lord. what i've learned is that it almost never lines up when we want it to and that the first part always out-weighs the second. but in that, we cannot be discouraged. remember the Truth and things will be fine. God is bigger than this and always has and always will be. as long as we learn from the moments like this rather than abhor and leave behind, we will grow strong. and there is much in that. until then---

i don't know if this has ever been a great time of the year. well maybe it once was... before i had a life, and before i came to college. it's just a weird thing. "i don't know what i'm doing for the hoidays people! and i don't really care." maybe that's not entirely true, but i'm starting to be a scrooge. i miss being able to hang out with all of my family on the holidays. and now that they're not here, none of my relatives get together. i'm kinda bitter about that actually. why is it that my family is the only reason that my relatives come together for holidays...? well and kwanzaa, but i'm not starting that rant now... at this point, the holidays has just become a time that lose time to hang out with people tat have really been making an impact on my every-day life. i miss them every year at this time. it was way cool for thanksgiving this year to go to Catalina and hang out with my friend Kyle's family for about a week. that was great. i was still missing key personnel but was so fun! idunno. at this point, all that i really want to do for the holidays is figure out Kindred Fall's bass and drummer situation, write music, lay down scratch tracks for the recording that we're doing in january, and try not to get bored. i need to get money for rent in january and i have no clue where that'll come from. got to register for classes but have no clue why it won't let me finish doing that! (ie. i started already!) anyway, c'est la vie, eh? until then---

so i've decided that i'm going to start going crazy if i don't start to write again. hello. i'm writing a bit again. here it is. it's been for too long since i've used this infernal wonderosity, and i'm still making up words and not making any sense. i don't know what i'm doing with myself these days. in my mind i believe that i'm going on the right track. i'm doing my best to be doing what makes me tick: music. but with what avail. yes, i know, "famine before feast" but it's been a long famine, and it has been a very hard one. i'm having fun, at times. but at risk of losing all of what's left of my sanity. maybe that's what i have to lose: my sanity. i'll get attention that way. people will listen if not for a bit. people are attracted to the odd, the different, as long as it doesn't interfere with their "OC." what does this make of me; a young man with a brain thinking of the things of philosophes of old, while still with the mentality of a 2-year old, trying to follow God and spread His love how He wants me to (i.e. most effectively), failing at not falling in love with girls that may (realistically) not be it for me. i don't know. my life is a mess. rent is due, and my jobs consist of putting up Christmas lights, and doing yard work. so much for making money as a musician. i spend much more time on music stuff, but with no change as far as i can see. my only fans are people that i swear are just being nice... my friends... all few of them. i love them to death, but i don't know about their honesty abotu it. they all know it's so important to me, and i think that they think that i'll be crushed if they just tell me the truth. that i'm already washed up, i'll never make it, and that my music never had potential, and to get a real f*ing job.

i'm just confused. i should have never left san diego, or maybe never left my parents and traveled with the fam. idunno. just pray, eh? hmm. until then---

17.9.01 :::

Hey internet world! This is new to me so don't worry; it'll get better. Right now this site has nothing inperticular that it is about but I will so have a plan! Maybe it'll be all about my crazy thoughts...I might confuse all of my readers though...maybe not. Well I have college things to do now so I might get back to this at a later time today or just tomorrow. Until then---

ah, my first blog... ever. in fact this was my first real experience with putting something of mine onto the internet. a whole three years. and what have i said? really... WHAT HAVE I SAID!? i've entertained myself and a few friends with my ideas of life and what i've been up to since i've been in college. girls, religion, politics... MUSIC. i'm sure i've hit them all. i still do. i can't believe that it's been that long since i've been in college, and that i still sometimes feel that i'm not going anywhere but in a circle. through even the many things that i've experienced, observed, or otherwise, i'm still lost.

i got this fortune from a fortune cookie at dinner and it tells me: "your present plans are going to succeed." what are they? i'm sitting here listening to J.E.W. and looking at the many other fortunes that i've placed onto my cpu monitor. the funny thing is about all nine of them is that i've not 'just kept the good ones,' i kept them if they weren't a repeat. I've found them all to be similar, and i am also firm believer that God can use anything to show you something... even fortune cookies. the most recent one that i've gotten before tonight reads: "in silence man can most readily preserve his integrity." tell me that's not good, and that it dosn't speak directly to me. anyway, i'm just saying i have no idea what my successes have been, where they will take me, nor if they will continue to seem eluded. i just know that "[i] will make a fortune with [my] friend." well, to three years. cheers. "it's been emotional." until then---