i know that it's bad timing, but i had to ask myself some questions last night and this morning that i wish that i didn't have to ask.
i received a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday from an old friend that i haven't actually seen or ever really in probably two years. not only that, we dated a few years before that so that seems like it'd be awkward, right? well let's just say that the beginning of our friendship from when we met in our junior year at a leadership camp at Pepperdine U. began with years of not seeing each other, but keeping contact. she's a musician, a great one at that, and we share much in common in that regard. the guy that finally caught her though, has to be a special gentleman... i thought that it would be impossible for this gypsy woman to settle down, but it seems she's found her match and i'm happy for her. in the handmade, personalized invitation (as a "passport" - highly appropriate...), she talks about the things that she and i talked about as we broke off our brief time together as a couple. she found someone that completes her as the other half. it sounds simple and obvious, but for people like us, to find such an extreme opposite to balance us is rare. sure, there are things that will find much middle ground and even things that the other will love that we'll have an ability for, but there's no way that we could love it as much. i read the invitation and just yearned for my girlfriend and i to be able to get pass the problems presented by her parents. i believe that that same bond that my friend has with her fiancee, i have with my girlfriend.
the reason this is so hard today in particular is that we celebrate four years (loosely) together as a couple. but for me, i'm beginning to wonder what it is that we're celebrating or what there really is to celebrate. for three of those years, she wouldn't tell her parents about her dating me and in this past year with her being more assertive towards them, still having no progress in her ability to truly commit herself to us, even as a dating couple. maybe i'm being conceited. i don't know anymore. but i've been at the point of not knowing whether when the question really comes up, if she'd actually want to become one with me in the eyes of God. i want to celebrate the happiness that we have together, but the cloud that looms is thicker than ever separating us from that happiness oh too frequently. again, i don't know, but when i think about what could be and then see what is, find it hard to celebrate and in these times regret being a realist. four years. wow. is that commitment so much to ask? until then---