i know that noone wants to read this, see this, or hear this, but what ever... this is my blog and i do what i want. i don't give a damn about Rawanda or a freaking hotel there. not now. i don't think that that's wrong when you can't even make your rent, you can't pay for school at a JC after getting kicked out of a private university and therefore can't get back into the university, and if i'm not going to school (which is becoming a better option even with this) at leat half time, i will have to start paying back school loans. it's not all about money, but we live in a world where it is all about money. in the world not of it. we're stuck here for as long as God wants to keep us here (and i'm hoping not too much longer for myself... i'm quite over it at this point), and that means that we're confined by it's rules. i hate those rules. my soul yearns for home, and my body yearns for life here. my souls hates it here, and my body won't quit. when will it? i was driving back from a show that i helped out with putting on (i got used for my PA) and i seriously thought for a bit 'how cool would it be to drive this car at 100 over the interchange?' i mean really. floating for a bit then plummeting to the ground. i thought that it'd be like a rollercoaster 'til i hit the ground. i'm too big a wuss to do something like that. i didn't let Tyler Durden let me let go of the wheel. obviously... i'm typing this now. there's so many times in my life that i've thought of doing things like that... but i'll just say that it's been a long time. these thoughts coming back are a little freakiy, but a little warm. it's the battle inside me that i've got to fight. on side will lose, and i don't know which i want to win. until then--