i've definitely decided that i'll never know the way that things are 'supposed' to go with me. my life, especially as of late, has really thrown me a lot of curveballs and sliders.... maybe more so knuckleballs. for those of you that don't know what a knuckleball is, it's pretty dang evil. basically in any ballsport (namely baseball and soccer in my case) when the ball is thrown or kicked and i has no spin on it. none. in any direction. what this caused the ball to do is kinda float around in weird ways to it's destination. seriously, the thing wigs out. with that analogy, i have absolutely no clue what thing is going to come up next with the way my life is looking. i know that i have many decisions to make, and i have to make very smart choices with them but i have no clue what new perils any of those choices may bring. the idea that 'famine comes before the feast' or 'the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour' has really come to a possible reality for me. i'm begining to truly believe that love is quite arbitrary and will just as easily pass me by as sweep me off the street. my love for music has caused me so much pain emotionally through it's odd musing. and that lack of control over those emotions has caused me to want to be calloused to them. that doesn't make good music. in fact, that can't make music. music is fueled by emotion, and i believe i've got it running through my veins. i'm a wreck due to the music in me. it needs out, and it needs truly be unleashed. i've re-evaluated my decision as a student to change from my original music major to liberal studies. i've found that to be the demise of my sanity. a friend (that i was dating at the time) said to me, "us musicians are far too passionate." that is the utmost truth (and i'm thinking is the reason that i'm not to be dating a musician, but that little fact aside...) and i found that i couldn't quell the passion for music in the mediocre major that is liberal studies. i've become my own tyrant. alone in my dictatorship of self. my world is confuzzled and i'm lost in it. it takes me in, chews me up, and regergitates me over and over. i feel the same things but stronger, and i get into similar pickles but larger and more life changing. "nothing is new under the sun." life is repetitive. it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are. i'm lost... and a much as i enjoy getting lost, i like to know that there will be a destination. until then---