i know i joke and say "gosh! i hate my life!" i think now a large part of me really does. or maybe i've just been lying to myself all along. i was listening to Sheryl Crow (look, i'm a fan... deal) and her song "If it Makes You Happy" came on. here's the lyrics:
I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen
Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad
You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again
Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home
We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?
sure, i don't get stoned, but i know that i would if i didn't mind the idea of putting smoke in my lungs, and dammit, i'd get freaking wasted every night if my girlfriend's voice wasn't always in the back of my mind. i'm thankful for that, because nothing else is really stopping me from doing those sort of things. i've in a sense given up, and i don't think that anyone cares. that's fine, it's not your job. it was inevitable anyway. i'm not as cool as anyone ever thought... i knew it all along. people may call me humble, but reality is that i just tell the truth. when people tell me "you're good at" this or that, or "you're a great friend" i definitely never agree. if i have, i must have been very ill that day. i don't see it. i'm very focused on my goals, and i'm finding them quite stale at the moment... and to be honest, i don't have much backing me up. it sounds like i'm complaining to me... that sucks. i'm sure some out there would tell me "oh no, you're not complaining, it's good to get these things off your chest..." well why the fuck don't you care to ask me? i'm really good at hiding under my smile... my teeth look too good not to try and show them off every once in a while, but wtf? i'm not really happy. i feel trapped by everything. i've got no real friendships anymore. all of those who were once friends are now acquaintances if not lower down the totem pole. and yes, i'm freaking busy, but so are all of you, so don't get pissed off at me that "we don't hang out." and by the way, i don't always have to make the phone call. basically i'm at a very stale point in my life right now. nothing is really all that exciting. but everyone else still is very excited about nothing. that's right. nothing. or you are all faking it too. why the hell am i so sad? until then---
4 comments:
ok...first to get done with all the "coping through humor" out of the way...
wow. talk about an update. i've never really read those lyrics before. i've listened to them countless times, thought about them while doing so, and really never saw the complex beauty that lies within. it is a great song. i miss the old school sheryl crow. i mean come on where else can you find Benny Goodman in a corset?
ok..now on to the rest...
ed. first, i need to apologize. i am so sorry that i was not able to filter what i was saying. on one hand i know that i was being very honest (maybe too honest) and that isn't a bad thing. on the other hand i know that the time and place that this honestly took place was not the best venue for such.
while i am aware that i am not the reason for everything you are feeling right now, i am your roommate and your brother. i don't know how well i have served you in these ways. so, in this regard i owe you another apology, for not being there for you when you need a friend - for not taking a more active role in your well-being as my brother. it would be great if we could talk, for real talk, this week. i will make time for you whenever you are free. i love you, ed. despite my sin and my inability to show it, i do.
Quite a bit of what you said resonates with me in a big way. A very big way. What's strange is that I was laying in bed, unable to sleep, and thinking about something very much along these lines. Just so happens, in my insomniac state, I checked your oft-un-updated site and found this.
Let's talk. I think we could both gain from non-judgmental non-superficial company.
Bro, I don't know what to say.
Nothing you can do will stop you from being one of my very best friends, and I mean that.
I wish I knew how to give you whatever help or friendship you need. I'm sorry for the times i've fallen short.
basically i've read this and i don't really know what to say. i pretty much concur with what's been said.
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