so i've decided that i'm going to start going crazy if i don't start to write again. hello. i'm writing a bit again. here it is. it's been for too long since i've used this infernal wonderosity, and i'm still making up words and not making any sense. i don't know what i'm doing with myself these days. in my mind i believe that i'm going on the right track. i'm doing my best to be doing what makes me tick: music. but with what avail. yes, i know, "famine before feast" but it's been a long famine, and it has been a very hard one. i'm having fun, at times. but at risk of losing all of what's left of my sanity. maybe that's what i have to lose: my sanity. i'll get attention that way. people will listen if not for a bit. people are attracted to the odd, the different, as long as it doesn't interfere with their "OC." what does this make of me; a young man with a brain thinking of the things of philosophes of old, while still with the mentality of a 2-year old, trying to follow God and spread His love how He wants me to (i.e. most effectively), failing at not falling in love with girls that may (realistically) not be it for me. i don't know. my life is a mess. rent is due, and my jobs consist of putting up Christmas lights, and doing yard work. so much for making money as a musician. i spend much more time on music stuff, but with no change as far as i can see. my only fans are people that i swear are just being nice... my friends... all few of them. i love them to death, but i don't know about their honesty abotu it. they all know it's so important to me, and i think that they think that i'll be crushed if they just tell me the truth. that i'm already washed up, i'll never make it, and that my music never had potential, and to get a real f*ing job.

i'm just confused. i should have never left san diego, or maybe never left my parents and traveled with the fam. idunno. just pray, eh? hmm. until then---