sometimes you have to wonder: how much change can someone handle at one time? so many things in my livfe have changed dramatically over the past year that it's crazy. then these past couple months have exponentially changed more, and these past few weeks...

i'm really just getting to the point that i don't know how much i can handle. and like i said a couple of weeks ago when i was talking about God not going to bail me out this time, i'm still at that point. i believe still that He won't give me anything that i cannot handle, but when the problems of my life affect others' lives, that's when i can't take it anymore. i'm at the point right now that i don't know if i'm ever going to get the reimbersement check from Chapman for my loan that i just took out so that i could pay for "extrenuous(?) school costs." i should be doing literally 'all right', but i'm finding more and more things to be scared of like this and time is creeping up on me like a cold autumn wind. i'd like to think that my spiritual life is much better than it was even a couple of weeks ago, but i've not really gotten the teaching that i'm used to getting every week just about, nor am i haveing the fellowship with some loved ones that i feel to be a neseccity. it suck even more when i'm so busy, and i set a specific time aprat for that, and it just can happen. there's always so much to think about. my brain doesn't stop, and i get depressed when i think of the state of things... not for me, but for all of us. and the fact is, i know that there are others much worse off than i am. and that's where i'm stuck: how can i feel this way about myelf when there are so many others that don't even have it this good? until then---