THOUGHTS WHILE StARING AT A WALL

what is it about our human particularalities (what a word...! that one's good, even if it's not real) that makes us not want to take the first stall in the bathroom? finish off the peanut butter? stuff like that. i mean, someone's got to do it, right? why don't most of us want to be that person. the last cheese danish is there at a party... if noone eats it it will got to waste. just take it! i guess it's similar to the mentality that ends up with people killed coz noone would help. idunno, where does this idea/mentality/particularality come from? until then---

so i just got to thinking: Thanksgiving is probably the only truly American holiday that means more than just a rememberance day, or honoring. though, come to think of it, i can imagine some people thinking of it in that way. they'd celebrate the holiday, only because they have always celebrated the holiday. it's rote, and if the office was open, they'd be there...especially so they didn't have to see uncle joe. then celebrating it would include (not that this is bad...but i'm saying including the mentality) an outing to norms (or maybe better... it's the first place that came to mind... it's right up the street!), a quick happy thanksgiving to the family, eat and then go back home. yay, we just went out to celebrate thanksgiving! all i'm getting to is that this is one holiday that i think cannot be lost in the shuffle as a reason to just have a day off, or be over commercialized. there's something in the nature of the hoiday that should cause it to really stand for something more. and if people are willing to open up and be real about it, even those that don't have much can see many reasons to be thankful. and that means reasons to come together as a nation to celebrate that. until then---

THOUGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

(i came up with a segment called "thoughts while staring at a wall." i figure that it'd be a good way to post more often and to not have to be profound. the idea came to me while in a bathroom... staring at a wall... you can figure the rest, but 'we all do do it,' i thought to myself, 'and i'm sure we have random thought while we do.' so these may come from shower-time, potty-time, or whatever. here goes nothing...)

water is quite facinating. think about it: we as humans are at least 66% water and yet, as we touch it, it does not conform to our being. or even as it touches anything else for that matter. and the way in which it evaporates or even the fact that it does... i'm in awe of the h2o. until then---

"Dream a dream so big that if you just get half of it, you'll still do okay. But don't hesistate. Dream big, man. Throw it out there. Lay out in bed at night and think about the biggest dream you can in you field and prepare yourself to do it. If you can see it, you can be it."

that is a quote from Quincy Jones (if you don't know who he is, look him up...very important person to music). i've been mulling over that one for a while... it's the quote of the month in my school planner, so i've had a while to sit one it. since the month's almost over i guess i should have something down by now...

"Dream a dream so big..." i don't think that i could live without my dreams. they give me hope. i know that they have to come from somewhere and for some reason, so i need to pay attention to them. i have weird dreams though, and the one that i'm chasing now, i've been chasing since middle school. i think that scares me more than anything else is that fact that i've been chasing for so long, what will it be like to catch it? i do sit up at night and dream/think of the biggest thing that i want to do, and i don't know if i'll ever get there, let alone be moving any closer to it. for being so focused in my consious as to what i've been chasing, i don't seem to be getting any headway. i know and believe that i'll get done what GOD wants me too, and also know that he give us the desires of our hearts, minds, spirit... so HE wouldn't do this to me in vain. but at the same time, what is in vain to me, may not be to Him. what He may place in my mind, i guess i may never achieve, but it will drive me to where He wants me to be. for me, either i'm blind or too needy, but i feel that i need some sort of reassurance that i'm headed the right direction. i know that my life was never meant to be easy, and i've come to terms with that somewhat, but i would like to have some way of knowing that this will come to something that i've had on me for years and years. i've gained and lost (definitely, at least in their closeness) many great friendships because of my choices to follow this dream... it takes a lot more time and i can't spread myself anymore thin than i already have been.. or can i and i'm just not trusting enough? i don't know at all.. never have. probably never to say i do... i guess i could work on that. more trust. more faith. though (as i've said before) i have faith that GOD will come through for me, and that He won't put me in a place that i'm not stong enough to get out of, buti never know when i'm being tested in my resiliance, or in my patience. try that one for size. until then---

sometimes you have to wonder: how much change can someone handle at one time? so many things in my livfe have changed dramatically over the past year that it's crazy. then these past couple months have exponentially changed more, and these past few weeks...

i'm really just getting to the point that i don't know how much i can handle. and like i said a couple of weeks ago when i was talking about God not going to bail me out this time, i'm still at that point. i believe still that He won't give me anything that i cannot handle, but when the problems of my life affect others' lives, that's when i can't take it anymore. i'm at the point right now that i don't know if i'm ever going to get the reimbersement check from Chapman for my loan that i just took out so that i could pay for "extrenuous(?) school costs." i should be doing literally 'all right', but i'm finding more and more things to be scared of like this and time is creeping up on me like a cold autumn wind. i'd like to think that my spiritual life is much better than it was even a couple of weeks ago, but i've not really gotten the teaching that i'm used to getting every week just about, nor am i haveing the fellowship with some loved ones that i feel to be a neseccity. it suck even more when i'm so busy, and i set a specific time aprat for that, and it just can happen. there's always so much to think about. my brain doesn't stop, and i get depressed when i think of the state of things... not for me, but for all of us. and the fact is, i know that there are others much worse off than i am. and that's where i'm stuck: how can i feel this way about myelf when there are so many others that don't even have it this good? until then---

yeah i know that this is unconvetional being that i live right up the street from the "Big A", but finally...! THe White Sox are in the World Series!! after gme two , it wasn't even a battle anymore. i think that the Angels rolled over on this one. All i can say is, root the Sox on if you got beat by them... (that means the lot of you, hehe, sweet..) oh and i guess you can send all your "i hate the Chi Sox" mail to me for now.. i just wanna read it, and be happy that there can be such mail after 88 years of not having the privilege. that's all. until then---

i know that it's been years since i've updated the look of this page, butfor some reason the old script wasn't working anymore, and you couldn't read anything. not so good. i had to change it, and i'm sad. the old layout was much more simple and i liked it that way. but some things have to change i guess...

so i was just randomly thinking about me and most of my friends and how most of us are lucky enough to have traveled a bit of the world and have even picked out places that we'd rather be outside of this country. i must say at this point that i don't think that it's a lack of love for our own country (at least entirely), but more out of our consiousness of what the U.S. looks like to the rest of the world and we don't want to be a part of that. i don't know... besides places in europe are so cultured in something based not in gain as much as they are in... culture, i guess. idunno. just a tidbit of my thought and not very organized or put together... but how is that any different than any of my other posts? until then---

well i'm sitting here and i've decided to come back to this page that i've not been to in far too lang. i think by now all the thousands of people that used to come to this site are finally gone and i can finally just write. (right, and not like i wanted it anyway). i've really nothing to say, like usualy. not even a good story. i'm felling kinda sick... screwy in the head from it, and it's not too fun. i'm consistently tired, and it may have to do with the late nights with my girlfriend but i fall asleep there... that's why it turns into such a late night. anyway, i hate being sick. i'm flat broke at the moment, and it's scary. i'm actually very frightened at the idea that God may not help me out with a miraculous appearance of money this time. i'm in a huge hole and i need to find a way out. my girlfriend is trying her hardest to help me out, but i'm stubborn and besides, she should have to do such a thing... or even want to to the extent that she is. i love her so much. she truly cares for me in a way that i can't comprehend. if only her parants care about what she thought about anything the way she cares form me. that's a fun topic. anyway, i think thati'm done for now. i hope to stop by more often. ciao. until then---

i need to write. it's been far too long and i really don't know what to say. i realized last night that i find myself doing entries in my head and never actually getting aroud to typing them out. my mind works a milea a second and never actually works anything out. a lot like my entries, it never says much. thinking to myself is becoming a bad thing. i betray everything that i believe in when i begane to have conversations in my head. there are many things that i'm proud of thinking through, but not many enough. i've come up with different ideas of what my faith is really about and i've been challenged to think that way. not bad. that should happen with your faith. it should make it stronger. if your faith isn't challenged, what is it you're believing in? this goes into many other discussions that i could have, but there's always two thing that i find myself thinking about when it comes to being challenged. i'll just leave it at: i believe i'm a good guy, and grew up that way, and i have musical talent that surpasses a majority of the population (i'm not being cocky, i know plenty of people with as much or more talent than i, but i'm talking world here... they've got other talents i can't touch). believing these two things has been challenged and often times i've not had faith in them. why should that happen if i believe them to be true? i've found recently that this world is all about what you know. but just knowing something is a cop-out and it fails in many ways. i believe that if something is true, you have to believe it's true, not know that it's true. belief comes before knowledge, that's why we test things. i recently heard a story from a friend about how when she first became Christian that she tested God. it's hard for me to identify coz that seems something that you shouldn't do and i grew up learning that somewhat. but i think that there is definitely good merit in that. there's a book i 've read most of (it's short), Prayer of Jabez, which is about petitioning God in prayer. i've never been one to ask people for things. i hate doing it and i think that it makes me faulty as a leader and has caused me stress in other areas. so asking God which above all that and already knows everything is sometimes very hard for me. i know that he has my best interest at heart when ever things happen to me that i don't understand so that keeps me even more distant at times. as i know that He's got control regardless of what i do. this God that doesn't need humanity, but wants to enjoy our lives with us. our simple minds that cannot grasp the concept of relationship. this spills over into our human relationships and doesn't allow for that perfection that He has for us. His example that He had die for us, made it seem simple, but i think the skeptics are right to think that we don't get the whole story in the Bible. though for them this discredits the Bible and what it's saying, i believe that it shows human inadequacy and God's ability to use us through that. the fact is He's made Himself known throughout the world. even in places that have never heard of Him have been able to see and acknowledge His work. the 'good book' helps us to believe with suffecient reason, as opposed to blind belief. but it doesn't give all the answers and it's ben twisted and turned around in so many ways. it must be remembered that though the whole book is truth, the truth is spoken only by God (i.e. those with red-letter New Testaments... it'll be the red-letter). and that's the one thing that i can know. until then---

i've definitely decided that i'll never know the way that things are 'supposed' to go with me. my life, especially as of late, has really thrown me a lot of curveballs and sliders.... maybe more so knuckleballs. for those of you that don't know what a knuckleball is, it's pretty dang evil. basically in any ballsport (namely baseball and soccer in my case) when the ball is thrown or kicked and i has no spin on it. none. in any direction. what this caused the ball to do is kinda float around in weird ways to it's destination. seriously, the thing wigs out. with that analogy, i have absolutely no clue what thing is going to come up next with the way my life is looking. i know that i have many decisions to make, and i have to make very smart choices with them but i have no clue what new perils any of those choices may bring. the idea that 'famine comes before the feast' or 'the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour' has really come to a possible reality for me. i'm begining to truly believe that love is quite arbitrary and will just as easily pass me by as sweep me off the street. my love for music has caused me so much pain emotionally through it's odd musing. and that lack of control over those emotions has caused me to want to be calloused to them. that doesn't make good music. in fact, that can't make music. music is fueled by emotion, and i believe i've got it running through my veins. i'm a wreck due to the music in me. it needs out, and it needs truly be unleashed. i've re-evaluated my decision as a student to change from my original music major to liberal studies. i've found that to be the demise of my sanity. a friend (that i was dating at the time) said to me, "us musicians are far too passionate." that is the utmost truth (and i'm thinking is the reason that i'm not to be dating a musician, but that little fact aside...) and i found that i couldn't quell the passion for music in the mediocre major that is liberal studies. i've become my own tyrant. alone in my dictatorship of self. my world is confuzzled and i'm lost in it. it takes me in, chews me up, and regergitates me over and over. i feel the same things but stronger, and i get into similar pickles but larger and more life changing. "nothing is new under the sun." life is repetitive. it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are. i'm lost... and a much as i enjoy getting lost, i like to know that there will be a destination. until then---

i miss the sun. and i'm tired of rain. really tired. kinda fed up. i couldn't live in a climate that is normally like this for this long. the last time i remember this much rain in socal was the "el nino (i like "negro," hehe)" year. and again, i'm not in the mountains. i think i could do snow, but rain... you can't do as much in. snow is much more fun. that's all. until then---

ahem! *tapping an imaginary microphone while gesturing for everyones attention* AHEM! *he stands on a soap box ready to begin...*

yes. it's that time of year again. that time, when i always have something to say. something right. something wrong. something to think about. if i'm not mistaken, this is the fourth anniversary of this 14th day of February posts that i've been able to enlighten myself with. oh yes, and all of you...
i feel as though i'm late on this, but it's been a busy day. like all of the corporate whores, this year i did a little exploiting of a holiday that used to mean something: i was a delivery boy this morning. i delivered flowers to many a non-expecting person today just to make money. and though there was a slight enjoyment of seeing happy faces, i returned the favor only in hopes of a tip. sad? yeah, a bit, but when your as poor as i am, there's no time for that sort of expensive enjoyment.
so, unlike last year, i was not even planning on doing anything for this special day though everyone around me seems to have caught some sort of fever. it's interesting to watch. and though i'm sad that, i have no one to share the "corporate whores day #1 of the year" with if i wanted to, it's been a pretty good day. as a friend of mine mentioned to me, "it's 'reminder of being single day'" (or something like that... it was about 10 hours ago). no big deal. i've really been too consumed with issues that are haunting me and taunting me to the point of insanity. i'm not myself. according to my recent aim away messages, i've become many different parts of jack. very melancholy and you can see my last post. enough said. it's been rough. the last thing that i need is the trouble that i put myself through just trying to make it. so far, today is marking something of a change in how i am approaching everything. i had goals and i feel that i've been trying to settle for something short of what i could do with them. my new goal is to stay the course, no matter how tough, how many times my heart has to break, my spirit stomped on, or my very being crushed. i'm holding on to what i believe... not what i know. since i'm finding that what i know is useless to me anyhow. it just gets me into trouble. thank you and good night. until then---

i know that noone wants to read this, see this, or hear this, but what ever... this is my blog and i do what i want. i don't give a damn about Rawanda or a freaking hotel there. not now. i don't think that that's wrong when you can't even make your rent, you can't pay for school at a JC after getting kicked out of a private university and therefore can't get back into the university, and if i'm not going to school (which is becoming a better option even with this) at leat half time, i will have to start paying back school loans. it's not all about money, but we live in a world where it is all about money. in the world not of it. we're stuck here for as long as God wants to keep us here (and i'm hoping not too much longer for myself... i'm quite over it at this point), and that means that we're confined by it's rules. i hate those rules. my soul yearns for home, and my body yearns for life here. my souls hates it here, and my body won't quit. when will it? i was driving back from a show that i helped out with putting on (i got used for my PA) and i seriously thought for a bit 'how cool would it be to drive this car at 100 over the interchange?' i mean really. floating for a bit then plummeting to the ground. i thought that it'd be like a rollercoaster 'til i hit the ground. i'm too big a wuss to do something like that. i didn't let Tyler Durden let me let go of the wheel. obviously... i'm typing this now. there's so many times in my life that i've thought of doing things like that... but i'll just say that it's been a long time. these thoughts coming back are a little freakiy, but a little warm. it's the battle inside me that i've got to fight. on side will lose, and i don't know which i want to win. until then--

i feel i'm antisocial. i can't seem to get it right, what ever it is. there's something wrong with me and i can't put my finger on it. is it my unfortunate problem; my heart and mind fighting each other? dueling pawns in a masquerade? i don't know what to look for. what to read. i don't recognize myself anymore. though i look the same, everything will change. my head, it spins, and i don't wanna leave the room. but i do. i want to see. maybe i can be somebody else. i'm alienated. i've done it myself. i think. therefore, i must be? or maybe it's you that must be because i think. blur is more like radiohead than i thought. so much for thinking.
so poor, i make no living. what do you see in me? i don't think you do. i dont' think you know what you see, what you want. who you are, who you want... to be? well i did... yesterday. not anymore. i've lost it all... i thought that was enough. that's what i remember. "only the losers win." that's what i thought a time ago. now i wish that were true. i haven't found that just yet to come to pass. what happened? my plan hasn't been Yours for how long now? i wouldn't know... i though it was doing pretty good. there i go... thinking. here i come... until then---

driving to and from this place is always going to be great. driving to get there, i see hills and hills of green grass. it's like driving the autostrade in Sicily, except here, you have to pay for it. when it's clear, as it has been, you can even see the ocean way off to the west/right. so great. but the really awesom thing is leaving at sunset hour. a thin cloud cover had rested upon the sky in the past few hours, but when going home, it created a radiant pink/orange/white expanse across the sky. in one section where you can see the ocean (now on the drivers side), it was so clear that i could see the beautiful Catalina streched across the horizon while on the right, light purple snow-capped mountains rise above the low lit still green hills. the sun underneath the clouds, and setting on the island created such a beautiful portrait. if i wasn't going about eighty and not in the fast lane i may have stopped. i wished for a passenger, not only to have a chance to photograph it, but to actually stop with you and enjoy the moment. i hope to catch a similar moment while i'm with you. not just in my mind, wishing you were there. until then---

so right now we are currently in the studio. as it stands, i'm actually the only one in the studio, hence me taking some time to update with the happenings. AC has officailly disappeared for a while... noone knows where he went. Kyle went back to the house to get some things for the drum kit, just to get rid of some ringing, and some tea for me (thank GOD). speaking of God, he's been pretty good to us so far, despite initial shocks. we'll just say that i've been praising him since 8.00 this morning. it's been good and tough all in the same sentence. due to the weather, many things have changed for the weekend, and many things have almost been postponed, etc. we almost didn't have Kyle here this morning due to rough sea conditions due to the 'storm' that we're having currently. we almost had no way to get anything done as far as recording coz we couldn't get anything working... kinda like freshman year, but we got a hold of Josh V. luckily and got some coveted equippment that got us out of a jam. AC seems to have made it back now, so now i'm not alone... haha. so in the same words, God has been good. unfortunatly, i seem to have caught some sort of throat bug, and it's not friendly. my speaking will be limited (and all of my friends and aquaintances just exahled a "thank God for that") in hopes that i will be able to sing up to par when it comes down to recording the vocal track. in prayer on that one for sure. so it's a good start... we're thinking of camping out in here for the next couple of nights... haha... maybe. it could be fun...it is very warm... anyway, when you start the day seeing your favorite lady friend, how can you go wrong? (i won't answer that...it's rhetorical and very specific to the situation). anyway, off to continue setting more stuff up. until then--

captain's log:: ...now.
today we embark on a new adventure. all of my preparation has come down to these next two weeks. we practice then we put it all out on record. what fun that will be. unknowing what to expect entirely, let the good times roll. may God bless our talent. documentation noted. until then---

happy new year! well i'm going to start by a definition of a word found in the NIV of Proverbs 21:24: overweening. as defined in Dictionary.com by the NY Times: getting a little uppity, and needed to be slapped down. ah...good times already. until then---

i heard my first real emergency brodcast system interruption on the radio yesterday. it was kinda cool, but kinda freaky, coz it seemed as though i was the only one that heard it. even if it was for the city you were in (and it doesn't specify for a while) wouldn't you just be a little wary of what's going on? maybe it was just on that station and noone else was listening. oh well, but that's a precursor to the weather that we've been having the past two days. this may be the one storm that we have all year. it's kinda freaky cool. i know that weather patterns are all screwed up coz a friend told me that there were tornado warnings for Catalina Island. what the deuce? the weather has been soooo east coast out here. it's been really really windy and the rain... is actually musch closer to looking like real rain! it has volume and everything! it's not mist! this should top it off though: so last night i went to bed to the sound of loud rain and wind. and woke up to the normal weekday sounds of someone working on a house (e.g. powersaw), and the sun! alright. the storm's gone, right? haha, nope. suddenly the wind picks up a bit and huge, fat rain drops begin falling. no more powersaw.
i'm excited about this weather for some odd reason. i guess it gives me a reason to stay inside instead of me just doing it in spite of the sunny weather. but i'd like to be up in the mountains now. i'd be diggin' the snowfall that is probably chillin' up there. oh well it's cool. i played board games over the internet with my good friend. that's fun. it' as good as it gets with them since they can't come and actually hang out (which really sux), but it was fun. good times. boardgames and rain. what a combo. for the record: it stopped raining again. until then---

plumbers are here working on the showers coz mine's been tripping out and the landlord decided to fix them both. i forgot how bad soldering smells. my head hurts now. the plumbers are comedy though. today i've had to remember not to store my treasures on earth where thieves steal. thieves being the bank. they jacked me for more than i'm worth an i'm pissed about it. i just went and paid it off since i'm already being charged $5 a day on top of the accrued charges. i hate money.
so preparing for Kindred Fall's big recording extravaganza is already crazy. i don't even know what i can do anymore. chapman u. (where we're recording... sound's like freshman year) is pretty much closed down for another week, so checking out the facilities is out of the question. people said that they were down with the practice dates and recording dates, but knowing them i feel as though i need to be with them the whole time reminding them. i know for sure that more than one of them will forget and then, all of a sudden, won't be able to make it. that's just the way it's been so far and i have no reason to doubt that it will happen again. i'm preparing all the songs and making sure they're playable and thinking about what i may want instrumentally and tempos and blah and blah. good stuff, but i'm pretty much done with what i can do by myself. (good ol' metronome.) and last night... well all yesterday all i did was work on the Breakfast Epiphanies and Kindred Fall sites and i'm thinking that things are finally coming together better on those...more so the KF site, but there's a lot more to the BE site than when i can do all at once. arrrrgh. i'm out. until then---