i've realized proof that God doesn't mingle with the notion of "fairness." for a while now, i've firmly believed that this same divine being, although in everything that is in existence also is not in anything. as creator and master of all that we can know, he's set the clock in motion with its rules (that we've been able to witness and discover in our sciences). and moments where rules are broken? unexplainable anomalies we may consider miracles depending on the was we each believe based on the random firing of neurons and chemical balances that are within us individually. so as for me, God is life itself.
but this new realization is due to an old foe of my own dealings in relationships. how one can believe that life will prove "fair" in moments that life has provided something to be considered a blessing by most standard is actually a great folly. it is merely a moment; a moment of joy that can't be replaced; an experience that can't be removed except for something "unnatural" (an anomaly in the system that is our body).
so since this stays with us, when the object of our affection defects in some way - as is likely to happen since everything is in constant flux or growth - these feelings of joy can just as easily be ripped away. stuck in the memory of something once good that now leaves doubts of what joys can lay in the future. "if it didn't last once, why would it this time?"
i'm grateful for my faith, for without the faith that the human condition doesn't rely on the "fairness" of life but on our own understanding of it, there could never be forward motion. if we are to rely on God at all, the element of "fairness" must be absent from him. until then---

things are good. not great - well maybe in some areas of my life. it seems few are that great. but i'm off my focus. not that life's been dull, but i'm still looking for more. it's a sad existence to walk into your job wanting to be clocking out. it's even more sad that i don't really hate my job; i just am frustrated with it. i also know that my heart's not in it. but i'm honest with myself: i know that most people in their dull existences don't have the luxury of choice; they don't believe they have the opportunities to break from their cookie-cutter lives fashioned for them by forces unseen. or their bosses.
this isn't s self help course. or a pep talk for anyone. it where i am. "we were meant to live for so much more, if we lost ourselves..." i need to get lost again. responsibility shouldn't tie me down: it should free me to live. it's my responsibility to do what i feel my heart is intent on doing. some people like to be cookies. i want to be freaking creme brulee. with chocolate. lots of chocolate.
it's a simple task, but i've got a problem finishing. i'm a song writer, but maybe i'm just fifteen sixteenths of one. that's all i can get done lately. i have eyes on something else, or distractions of another song, or thought. i need to slow the rats running in my head. they scamper from side to side. i should buy them more stationary wheels. or tubes!
i've got about seven drafts of posts from the last three months that i've not gotten to. i think they'd be really interesting to follow up on. wouldn't you like to know? or not.
basically, i've learned to love again and be loved for being me. i don't have to fit anyone elses picture of success, or even better, be the color they want me to be. so what if i came out the oven a bit later than you and your family? i'm still a person!
but doesn't it come down to love? it can always go back to that foundation. agape. people use it without knowing what it means, confusing it with eros or philos. or worse not seeking to employ its majesty at all. but it's a root of humanity. ok screw you, it's part of mine and i'm projecting. what of it?
i have no clue why i started to write this. i wish i could call this a drunken rant. it's not. i guess i just wanted to finish something tonight. i love you all. until then---