just so you know, and in case you didn't know, the link that i have up for THe NotebOOk is to a place where i'm putting up my music. basically it's my notebook of material that i write up. some of it will not be turned into song, but the ones that do, and other songs that i feel like recording, will be able to be downloaded on there as well. for those that asked for me to tell you when new stuff goes up...suck it up and check it! and please tell me what you think about them on the tag board. that'd be sweet. until then---

would i be out of line
if i said
i miss you?

-i miss you, incubus

until then---

these are my thoughts....though they are Billy Corgan's as well...

hummer

Faith lies in
The ways of sin
I chased the charmed
But I don't want them anymore

And in their eyes I was alive
A fool's disguise
Take me away from you

Shame my tongue
Fat with promise all along
But when I woke up from that sleep
I was happier than I'd ever been

When you decide
That your life is a prize
Renew and revive
It's alright honey
It's alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder
Will I feel OK?
It scares the disenchanted
Far away

Yeah I want something new
But what am I supposed to do about you
Yeah I love you, it's true

Life's a bummer
When you're a hummer
Life's a drag

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Do you feel
Love is real?

until then---

so i got home from work today and it's annoying coz the one thins that i don't want to do is think about you and i do. it's the same thing everyday...for a while now. but today's a bit different because of some of the things that i was saying/implying last night. basically though, i started to use time right when i got home to read and pray, but i can't focus... i need to do something about my thoughts. so here i am.
i wish that you were someone else. i wish that you were less truthful to me, just lie or tell me half-truths or something. i wish that you didn't trust me. i wish that you never cared. i wish that you were less cute, or not at all. i wish that you were just another girl, but you're not. and that's my problem. for if you were, you would have kicked me out of your life like you should have by now. i would be able to get over the need to heed to your parents wishes. i would be able to get over you like you have to me. i'm finding this situation to be a lesson in patience, or in discernment. i don't know which and that's the problem. if it's discernment alone, i must just leave you on your own right now...coz you're not alone, but i need to be. if it's patience alone, i should never complain about this anymore, and just hope for the future that you have no hope in and/or don't see. if it is both, i'm sorry for you, coz i know that i'll be the cranky, dumb, moody me that you've come to know for the past few months. the me i don't like and you don't deserve. i think that i'm done for the moment and i'll get back to what i need to be doing, but i needed to say something, and i guess that was it. until then---

so now i've come across many ideas in my lifetime...or shall i say philosophies(?)... and this one is definitely good. this being in the scheme of relationships and dreams, etc. i realized not much earlier today that this idea may haev been semi-spawned from a fortune cookie thing that i have on my monitor: "Don't allow yourself to dream away time - be productive." yeah i think that i stole it. but it's in a fortune cookie, so i'm sure that there are millions out there that have seen the same one, so it's for everyone to take. but the way that i see it, my "problems" with the girl thing, and with my music career have to be second to living my life. those will come with time if God really wants it for me. so basically it doesn't mean that i sit around waiting for God to hand thesee things over on a silver platter, nor do i pursue ad pursue different venues of both (coming up short of perfect everytime, of course) tiring myself and becoming frustrated with my future. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." (Matt. 6:34). i didn't originally want to put these back to back, but, as usual, GOD says it best. being that my life consists of truly living (life as a Christian... it should be on the edge of madness oft-times... faith, man..!), this should be something that i've been doing but i'm human and there is human error and i frequent that possibility. i really need to practice what i find out in my life journey more often. things may make more sense that way. Until then---

ok so i come back to blog and the template for posting has changed again. good times. i think i've been away too long. anyway, summer's here and i've not much to do but pine away the day. i need work but i don't want to do anything but play music. i've really got no other focus in life as far as work goes. it's music or nothing. i swear if it keep up like this, i don't think that i'll be doing much of anything. i feel as though i may be too unwilling to go it alone if i have to. i was thinking about it today: what if i did actually start recording my own stuff myself and begin marketing myself as an acoustic artist. forgetting that i suck as an acoustic guitarist and don't like it nearly as much as playing my electrics i think that it could be possible. i write most of the music for my own stuff anyway and produce the most of it. besides, as far as producing goes, i know lots of people that i trust to give me proper producing advice. anyway, i've recorded this sweet version of "You" by Switchfoot which will have a link RIGHT HERE when i upload it (right click and save as...). i did it in my room like all of my recordings...good times.
so my pining away consists of spending most of my time talking to my good friend, wishing that i could say girlfriend, and wishing that i could even see her at all; praying and reading my bible (less than i'd like to say i do i must admit), looking for my Truth, trying to find out if i'm headed the right direction, if she's in my direction... i'm feeling inspired... i think that i need to find my notebook. until then---

Between a memorium on 91x for the decade passed without Kurt Cobain and an entry on a friendly bloggers blog starting in about entropy, I'm really begining to feel the chaos. It has always been easy to see, but to have specifics pointed out is to have something more. I remember when I first heard the word entropy. It is in a song by noone else than Switchfoot off of their third album, Learning to Breathe, called Living is Simple. I don't remember what I thought of that song then, aside from the thought-provoking lyrics (that i don't know how much i thought about) and being thankful that i knew it for my chem class ("entropy, entropy falling apart") my senior year of high school, but looking back now it's quite the interesting song. I may have to quote it all:

Living is simple
It's gravity
Gravity isn't so hard
Living is simple
It's entropy
Entropy, falling apart
I'm falling apart again

Living is simple
And breathing is easy
It's easy to do
Living is simple
And losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

All will be made well
Will be made well
Will be made well
Will be well
Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the worst
Is this fiction or divine comedy?
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

Living is dying
Your mercy, Your mercy
Is how I believe
Living is dying
I can't understand it
I'm down on my knees
Confessing my needs again

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
The choices remain

I have a quote on my monitor from E. Stanley Jones: "If you don't surrender to Christ, you surrender to chaos." The song and this quote only go hand in hand coz they are comign from Christianity. I'm a firm believer that the only way to live in this chaos is with a firm hold on Christ.
Since i've been listening to Nirvana music and interviews all day (10.30 am- 10.00 pm minus 4 hours for work) on 91x, I've been hearing about the chaos that Kurt felt. It's saddening. They played the reading by Courtney Love of his suicide note, and in it he stated that he loved everyone so much that he couldn't handle it. I think that he found the chaos in everyone, the chaos in and around the system that humans have created could not be solved by a boy that "wasn't half bad at saving the world" (Scott Weiland, Stone Temple Pilots, Shangri La De Da, Too Cool Queenie). The world was not made to last forever... and neither were our bodies or minds. When we leave this existence, we'll see the "divine comedy." Those that were not stuck in the rat race, the entropy, the ways of the world; those that looked to enternity, fought to lose for anothers gain (and therefore their own), journeyed in Truth will find the order in it all. The big picture. Until then---

GOSH!... what freaking station can you freaking hear Coldplay, Bob Marley, Cure, AFI, Jack Johnson, Daft Punk, White Stripes, U2, Foo fighters, and Smashing Pumpkins back to back to back? Freaking 91X!!! Of course it's a San Diego station, it's just too good. Listen, I dare you to like another rock station... Until then---

For some reason this is a good lyric for today:

life is white
and i am black
Jesus and His lawyer are coming back

novacane for the soul
before i sputter out

-Novacane, Eels

Until then---

Dictionary.com defines dating as: To note or fix the time of, as of an event; to give the date of; as, to date the building of the pyramids. or edible fruit of the date palm with a single long woody seed or An engagement for a performance (hehe) or most importantlya meeting arranged in advance and/or an appointment. I can agree with these... I mean when most people think of dating, they think of something much more than "a meeting arranged in advance" when that's what it is. You date to find out more about a person right? Kinda like when you become friends with someone. I thought that I recognized that concept somewhere! I'm a firm believer that we need to bring back the term "going steady" or "my steady" rather than just boyfriend or girlfriend. Example! I have a few good friends that happen to be girls that, going by what we defined as dating, I am dating them all. I find it important to get to know someone that you hang out with... why else would you hang out with them. By asking someone on a date, you're just asking for some time you set aside for them to get to know them better. 'So, by this, you're saying that someone could be dating multitudes of people at one time?' Well... yeah I am. Not that I advocate it entirely, but usually when you dating someone in the courting sense (another term we should bring back), there shouldn't be more than that person in mind really. Maybe that's not right either. I think the issue comes in when people are following the "engagement for performance" definition. People that do a bit more than date... if you know what I mean... ahem... performance. (I'm sure you do, I'm just stupid like that). But that's where a different emotional attachment happens and you're no longer just dating. But that's another blog entirely. So this whole thing is to be a public announcement that I'm finally over wanting to go steady with my good friend/crush. We'll be great friends, as we already are. As it has been eloquently put: "why does it always have to be a 'just' before friends?" Never... friends are important and being friends with your steady and even before you're courting each other is even more imoprtant. As a Christ follower, I want to do as Christ did while he lived. One thing was living and loving with people regardless of who they were. His love was (and still is) deeper than anything that we can imagine or entirely feel. Yet, we are all His friends... good friends. Our relationships should try to model that. We can get to know everyone of our friends, acquaintances, and the like and not be looked upon like weirdos. Dating... such a dumb term. From now on, aside from the terms "steady" and "courting", I'm just going to say 'we're going out to become better friends.' Until then---

Woah!! & Wow!!
Females.... & Jesus' passion...
That's all for now...I'm tired. Until then---

I guess now would be an appropiate time to give my annual Valentines Day update/rant. Other than what I'm sure I've said before (V-day is stupid coz we spend all this money on one day while we should be spending this much time and effort for our 'special someone' everyday of the year instead of designating yet another day for the people at Hallmark to make bank yet again during the year...etc.), there's not much to rant about. I got asked to a date with an ex-girlfriend, who most may know as Faye. I don't mind this, and I find it cool that she asked me. I think that most girls are scared of me, and probably scared of asking a guy out anyway so this was indeed cool. Most of you that know me and Fayes' relationship know that we're pretty good friends so me saying that this is cool isn't like she's still trying to get back with me or something (though in the far corners of my brain, I know that I fear/feel that still...).
The part that kinda sucks for me is that I'm still interested in and trying to get to know the same girl from a while back and I was thinking of asking her out at least before V-day (screw going out on that day on my plans!) but I thought (and still think) that that would be pretty messed up to ditch out on Faye. I know that she knows about her, and she's cool with that part of it, but I know that she doesn't know that I really wanted to find my balls somewhere and finally ask her, being shut down or not. Oh well. there went another chance for that. It's all good though I guess. I know that I will rather enjoy my "date" with one of my best friends....though it'd be cool if it was the other one... ah, mid-February... always the same story...oh, I mean my life story. Until then---

So school has started back up and the madness has just begun. I need to have something prepared for Refuge tonight and i really don't have much if anything. I'm just thinking that we should have a party or something. I needed a week to re-orient myself and I didn't take the opportunity...though i may not have really had one. That's cool though. I'm so stoked that AC is back in town so that now we can play. schedule-wise it's not bad at all...should be quite a bit of practice time. I hope that we gel enough to get up and going pretty quick. Still in search for a guitarist/keyboardist (keys not as important) that can sing...preferably a female, but not being too picky am I? Anyway, I've got to figure out what's up for tonight. Until then---

Hey...uh... I've been busy? I dunno what to really say except that it's been a while. I've been doing serious upkeep on the Breakfast Epiphanies website and even put up a blog for the band to put random stuff on. I'll probably be putting up lyrics and poems and stuff. It's cool..though noone seems to have visited. We have a mailling list now, and a bio page with people on it! Amazing! I definitely say explore the site fully...even though there still is no photos page because (what?!) NO PHOTOS YET! Anyway, i have to get to work. Teaching some kids some basic music stuff. YAY! Until then---

Well... THAT was fun! I'm back in Sicily...coming back home in two days...to a champagne room. Nice. Until then---

Blitzkrieg Italy!!

Dep. Catania: 0655 31 Dec. Leaving on a jet plane...Arrivederci!

Arrive Roma: 0900 31 Dec. Happy New Year!! And it's in Rome...Do a dance...
Dep. Roma: 0600 2 Jan. 2004!!! yeah baby...

Arrive Pise: 0820 2 Jan. train, train, train...
Dep. Pise: 1209 2 Jan. see the tower, bounce on out

Arrive Firenze: 1332 2 Jan. Florence....Musica!
Dep. Firenze: 0645 3 Jan. more train action

Arrive Venezia: 1014 3 Jan. Water....everywhere...and then some.
Dep. Venezia:1251 3 Jan. might find I can't really swim all that well

Arrive Milano: 1555 Jan.3 "it's the New York or LA of Italy." and what's Rome...Nashville?
Dep. Milano: 1000 Jan.4 I'm going, going, back, back...

Arrive Firenze: 1245 Jan.4 ...to Florence, Florence
Dep. Firenze: 1830 Jan. 4 On the plane again...da da da da da da, On the plane again...

Arrive Catania 2005 Jan. 4 Avec ma famille...awww.

Yeah! Out on: Blitzkrieg, Tour de Italie! Until then---

I haven't done this in a while... I just lost a long blog, dang it. And I'm too tired to try it again! stupid internet! crap on a crapper! I'm tired! BED! Until then---

So I'm over here in Italy and the jet lag that was supposed to get to me, kinda isn't really getting to me. There is a 9 hour difference, for those of you that don't know, so I'm really writing this at about 12:20 am here. So me being tired just has to do with the fact that it's dark out here and I've been out most of the day...
Sicily is sweet, btw! It's an interesting island and I will try to keep you guys as updated as possible. I went to the city closest to here, Catania (look it up), and it looks like it'll be the place to be if there is a party...(ahem, as in I plan on being there or Athens or Rome for New Years...) The island is supposedly more like old Italy than the mainland and though I haven't been, I'm looking forward to checking as much of that out as possible. He he, I'm actually trying to save my mom from being stuck in the house, too. I've found that there really is stuff to do here (contrary to my sister: "It's boring here", "There's nothing to do here") Just in the city, I've seen soo much. I would love it here...for a while. Ha, really all I'm saying is that there's just as much to do here as there is in Orange. Ok, no... more than that. The fun part is the language. It's funny coz my Nana (mom's mom) is here for the second time and niether her nor my parents have caught on to the language as quickly as I have. Though, I admit, I probably wouldn't be able to carry a conversation...In fact, I know I couldn't, but it's fun trying to understand and learning as I go. Basically I'm pairing the two high school years of French that I had and the one semester of Greek that I've taken and applying it to what I pick up to figure out the meaning. Very fun, eh? Ha ha, well the place is beautiful and so are the people. I think that it's the wine or something but the majority of the people here are beautiful...and I'm definitely speaking of the ladies here. In the small area I've found...wow. Unfortunately, that language barrier and being around my parents the whole time...not so cool. I would like to try the language thing but...unless I am just with my brother, I will probably get no play. Or should I say chance for play. I'm still an idiot, so if the chance isn't there... shoot even is the chance is there... Just like the Italian one at home. Oh well. She's still on my mind too, and if she hasn't been I know that she would love it here...it reminds me of her so much. Sad coz we're nothing. Oh well again. I'll try to keep updated. Caio!! Until then---

I should probably face it: nothing is ever going to happen. Until then---

with you, adieu

what if i'm wrong
why can't that be right
why question my step
before i've lifted a foot
why look at me wrong
when i know that's not right
why i'll sing you a song
the evening is still young
for you i will cry
before there is any reason
and how are my steps full
when i find myself empty
in search for a Truth
finding i find it
not in me, or you
seeing a part in you
what truth i've found
i doubt again, again i doubt
you and me and how
does He know
will he tell
i give no chance
but for me to fall
from that i rely on
with no feet on the ground
to Rock where i hide
away from it all, and you
yet my place behind is dark
no Light and empty
so this is for you
in hope that i will be
more than me, oui, less of me
firm and true

Until then---