on this last friday before i turn 30, i'm doing everything i can to not think about the fact that i'm going to be OLD. well, at least that's what my younger self considers that age to be.

i can remember 13 years ago when i was so upset that i didn't already have a recording contract.

man, i knew nothing then.

but even so, there's a large part of me that really wishes that that had been a reality for me. i'm curious as to what that would have looked like. but then i think about the experiences that i've had since then that have indeed been priceless.

the fact now that i can easily see that i'm a work in progress. and that i wouldn't be happy if i wasn't continually being a project of my own being. consistently trying to refine and define what i've come to know as the essence of ME.

30 years.

i look and see that i'm still in love with music. in love with the talents that are so God breathed it's crazy and knowing that i have to cultivate them so they continue to flourish. 16 year old me realized that he knew so little about music, but didn't know what that meant.

to be honest i still don't know what that means. and i still know so little.

but i do know that i've grown.

i look and see that i have a propensity for loving people - usually to the point of wearing myself thin - in an organizational manner more often than not.

but even with that, i somehow feel very alone just as well.

when i was younger (by that this time i mean up to last year) i figured that by now i'd be married, probably with a kid by now.

not happening in four days.

at this point, i'm hard-pressed to find a date for anything that i may want to do with... you know... a date.

at this point though - and why i found myself wanting to mark this somehow - i hope to continue to age gracefully. really, that's more than good enough for me.

i know that my days are finite. i don't know when they will end. so i will continue to do what i love and be who i am. all the while i'll be refining and defining more and more.

i'll reach whatever is set for me when the time comes.

until then---


Arrikitukis said...

you wanna have kids, so young?!? come on, you have plenty of time!!! :P

It's good to look back and be able to see how we've matured, and then look forward again and see that we have the whole life to do what we really want ^__^

Ed said...

i know i have time... it's just where i thought i might be at this point!

trust me, i'm in no rush, but i still look forward to that time in my life to come :)

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