these are my thoughts....though they are Billy Corgan's as well...

hummer

Faith lies in
The ways of sin
I chased the charmed
But I don't want them anymore

And in their eyes I was alive
A fool's disguise
Take me away from you

Shame my tongue
Fat with promise all along
But when I woke up from that sleep
I was happier than I'd ever been

When you decide
That your life is a prize
Renew and revive
It's alright honey
It's alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder
Will I feel OK?
It scares the disenchanted
Far away

Yeah I want something new
But what am I supposed to do about you
Yeah I love you, it's true

Life's a bummer
When you're a hummer
Life's a drag

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Do you feel
Love is real?

until then---

so i got home from work today and it's annoying coz the one thins that i don't want to do is think about you and i do. it's the same thing everyday...for a while now. but today's a bit different because of some of the things that i was saying/implying last night. basically though, i started to use time right when i got home to read and pray, but i can't focus... i need to do something about my thoughts. so here i am.
i wish that you were someone else. i wish that you were less truthful to me, just lie or tell me half-truths or something. i wish that you didn't trust me. i wish that you never cared. i wish that you were less cute, or not at all. i wish that you were just another girl, but you're not. and that's my problem. for if you were, you would have kicked me out of your life like you should have by now. i would be able to get over the need to heed to your parents wishes. i would be able to get over you like you have to me. i'm finding this situation to be a lesson in patience, or in discernment. i don't know which and that's the problem. if it's discernment alone, i must just leave you on your own right now...coz you're not alone, but i need to be. if it's patience alone, i should never complain about this anymore, and just hope for the future that you have no hope in and/or don't see. if it is both, i'm sorry for you, coz i know that i'll be the cranky, dumb, moody me that you've come to know for the past few months. the me i don't like and you don't deserve. i think that i'm done for the moment and i'll get back to what i need to be doing, but i needed to say something, and i guess that was it. until then---

so now i've come across many ideas in my lifetime...or shall i say philosophies(?)... and this one is definitely good. this being in the scheme of relationships and dreams, etc. i realized not much earlier today that this idea may haev been semi-spawned from a fortune cookie thing that i have on my monitor: "Don't allow yourself to dream away time - be productive." yeah i think that i stole it. but it's in a fortune cookie, so i'm sure that there are millions out there that have seen the same one, so it's for everyone to take. but the way that i see it, my "problems" with the girl thing, and with my music career have to be second to living my life. those will come with time if God really wants it for me. so basically it doesn't mean that i sit around waiting for God to hand thesee things over on a silver platter, nor do i pursue ad pursue different venues of both (coming up short of perfect everytime, of course) tiring myself and becoming frustrated with my future. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." (Matt. 6:34). i didn't originally want to put these back to back, but, as usual, GOD says it best. being that my life consists of truly living (life as a Christian... it should be on the edge of madness oft-times... faith, man..!), this should be something that i've been doing but i'm human and there is human error and i frequent that possibility. i really need to practice what i find out in my life journey more often. things may make more sense that way. Until then---

ok so i come back to blog and the template for posting has changed again. good times. i think i've been away too long. anyway, summer's here and i've not much to do but pine away the day. i need work but i don't want to do anything but play music. i've really got no other focus in life as far as work goes. it's music or nothing. i swear if it keep up like this, i don't think that i'll be doing much of anything. i feel as though i may be too unwilling to go it alone if i have to. i was thinking about it today: what if i did actually start recording my own stuff myself and begin marketing myself as an acoustic artist. forgetting that i suck as an acoustic guitarist and don't like it nearly as much as playing my electrics i think that it could be possible. i write most of the music for my own stuff anyway and produce the most of it. besides, as far as producing goes, i know lots of people that i trust to give me proper producing advice. anyway, i've recorded this sweet version of "You" by Switchfoot which will have a link RIGHT HERE when i upload it (right click and save as...). i did it in my room like all of my recordings...good times.
so my pining away consists of spending most of my time talking to my good friend, wishing that i could say girlfriend, and wishing that i could even see her at all; praying and reading my bible (less than i'd like to say i do i must admit), looking for my Truth, trying to find out if i'm headed the right direction, if she's in my direction... i'm feeling inspired... i think that i need to find my notebook. until then---