i think that i've forgotten what it means to be a friend. i'm so self-absorbed that i know that i've neglected many things about friendship that i feel are extremely important to me. so this is an apology (at least to those that read this n'er updated blog):

i'm often chasing my goals. my dreams that i've had since i was young. back then when i made all of the real decisions for my future, laying the groundwork for who i would become today. i didn't choose to become musically inclined but i did choose to follow that inclination to the bitter middle - where i find myself now.

at least that's where i hope i am.

i guess it could be the end, but then i'd really have nothing left.

at least that what i'd figure anyone would think when they've been headed towards a career for 15 years that hasn't ever materialized. failure after failure bringing about only mere flashes of real advancement but realizing that thought i may have moved forward one step, everyone else has moved twelve.

then you get to thinking 'why can't i at least move, say, eight for so many's twelve? is it me? is it my associates? where's my error?'

gotta love that spiral. it's epic.

in an era where patience is no longer a virtue but rather a death warrant, i've easily missed so many opportunities waiting for people, moments, or funding. yet i'm constantly told to 'wait for my time; it'll come.'

this advent sucks.

i've been waiting too long and not acting enough. so many windows have closed. doors once opened are now shut. people pass without so much as a 'hello.' oh yeah, that's just the bigotry in Orange County. but can i blame that?

of course i can. it's a part of the spiral.

why can't we spiral upwards?

my point is, maybe i'm not hungry enough. maybe i don't have the desire needed to make my passion a reality. i'm too soft and too patient. too not what anyone cares about - and yet not enough to satisfy the hipster kids. i don't know how to network. i don't know how to make money. you all seem to have figured it out and left me behind. and although i'm happy that you've all achieved so many of your goal in career and family, it's lonely back here staring up at all you've done.

very lonely.

maybe it can be a fire starter.

maybe it'll just dig me deeper.

but this is why i apologize: if i were you and had made it where you are, i'd probably leave me here too.

it's hard to stop a stubborn man looking to dig his own grave.

until then---