crap, i've neglected to post since last year. happy new year?
well it's been good thus far, but my purpose in posting has to do with this historical day in which the United States inaugurates its first black president into office. it falls on a day conveniently directly following a holiday celebrating a man that dreamed that one day this would be acceptable to all people alike... regardless of "race, color, or creed."
but this being that sort of day, i still look at this inauguration as i have any other: there's plenty of hope to go around, but the promises promised aren't up to the president to deliver. as the people of this republic, we have a responsibility to make sure that those promises are kept. this man we've elected has even stated himself (probably more eloquently of course) that he is just a man, and a man alone can do nothing, but with the will of the people we together can move forward to create change. the fact is, he's being placed into a system that doesn't favor change... which was his entire campaign platform. the problems that are now inherent in the system are what cause good people/politicians to fall away from their positive movements in society. these same problems cause me to think of inauguration as The Who states in "Won't Get Fooled Again":


And the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss


until then---

has it really been a year?



honestly, to me it seems like so much has happened since then, it's ridiculous. wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving... Health Tip: for the most pridefully, glutenous day of the year, that is; if you eat smaller portions throughout the entire day, you can eat EVEN MORE turkey. until then---

i was tagged:

so, as much as these sort of things aren't my favorite things to do, i've been in a saucy mood lately... or maybe it's been boredom. here it goes:

1. i've done my own hair for about 4 years and i don't think it looks bad... i've even been asked by stylists (notice it's plural) "who does your hair?"

2. although i profess the Christian faith, i was christened/dedicated when i was very young, but i've not been baptized by a church/pastor in water by submersion. i simply don't believe it's necessary.

3. my dad was teaching me piano when i was 8. i learned enough to get by, but i hated the damn thing (i still have problems today, although i now wish i'd have learned it fully then) and naively told him, "you don't see pianos in a band!" three things from that: 1) i obviously have been chasing that dream for a long time, 2) i grew up in the 80s, like most anyone that'd be reading this... there were PLENTY of pianos/keyboards in bands!, and 3) after that, he handed me a clarinet...

4. i've broken into a girlfriends' mothers' house to get her textbooks for her, then had to walk back to school (about 7 miles) coz another friend drove his bug (not mine... mine was fine that day!) and it wouldn't start when we were rushing off coz her mom was coming home (there's more travel stuff, but it's not important... you can ask if you want to know)... we made it back to school just before the last bell - in time to find out i had been elected ASB president...

5. i voted no on 8.

my parents, and their siblings, etcetera didn't.

6. the late Don LaFontaine is my second cousin. by marriage of course.

7. i know that i talk a lot and i've begun to think that it's because i'm really insecure about myself. the more i know i know about myself, the less i know.

thank you, joy, for forcing this upon me ;P Grant and Christina are the only ones left that haven't been tagged that i know of... do it! until then---

Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in you lap. The drill drills on. - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p 33.

after 3 weeks, i feel i'm actually at the point where i can truly let the drill drill on. until then---

i voted today! yet another exhilarating experience. for those interested in how i chose to vote, here's a recap of my line:

yes
no
for her
for him
but not him... definitely not him...

until then---

there are some days in which i hate my life.

yeah girl trouble again. it may really be over. until then---

THouGHTS WhILE StArinG at A Wall

if we are to be an effective part, or better yet, leader of the United Nations, shouldn't the U.S. be a united nation?

until then---

thoUGHtS WhiLe sTARing at A Wall

the drive home was absolutely silent.

after a day of busy eccentricities, his mind wandered, following the white lines on the asphalt as they flew past. he couldn't think of anything to say to her as she was equally silent and wasn't sure that he should speak. 'is that being selfish? am i just a prick?'

often times he knows that he can be this way to the dismay of many others. opinions come cheap to him but with a heavy burden on those around. 'i'll forgive him for that, but do i dare tell him so?' she only cares about losing him - 'there's no one better for me - if there is, i've no need to find out.'

getting out of the car he waves, "thanks for the ride" - the only words spoken between them for months lingered in the humid night air with no response.

until then---

thOUGHts WhiLE StaRing AT a Wall

what if we started over?

"hello, i'm __"
"i'm __, nice to meet you." *smile*
it's a lovely smile and i feel attached to it already. her beautiful, blue eyes pierce my very being and send my mind whirling through thoughts of the future - house, cars, kids. but we're here. now. i have to remember that.
whatever past she carries is less important than the present. whatever future either of us thinks of is not now and should not be considered in getting to know her here. now.
it doesn't matter that we set this up. it doesn't matter that we do have a past... with each other. that's not important now. it's important that i still love her. that although i know the past, it's where we go from here. now.

until then---

i know that it's bad timing, but i had to ask myself some questions last night and this morning that i wish that i didn't have to ask.
i received a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday from an old friend that i haven't actually seen or ever really in probably two years. not only that, we dated a few years before that so that seems like it'd be awkward, right? well let's just say that the beginning of our friendship from when we met in our junior year at a leadership camp at Pepperdine U. began with years of not seeing each other, but keeping contact. she's a musician, a great one at that, and we share much in common in that regard. the guy that finally caught her though, has to be a special gentleman... i thought that it would be impossible for this gypsy woman to settle down, but it seems she's found her match and i'm happy for her. in the handmade, personalized invitation (as a "passport" - highly appropriate...), she talks about the things that she and i talked about as we broke off our brief time together as a couple. she found someone that completes her as the other half. it sounds simple and obvious, but for people like us, to find such an extreme opposite to balance us is rare. sure, there are things that will find much middle ground and even things that the other will love that we'll have an ability for, but there's no way that we could love it as much. i read the invitation and just yearned for my girlfriend and i to be able to get pass the problems presented by her parents. i believe that that same bond that my friend has with her fiancee, i have with my girlfriend.
the reason this is so hard today in particular is that we celebrate four years (loosely) together as a couple. but for me, i'm beginning to wonder what it is that we're celebrating or what there really is to celebrate. for three of those years, she wouldn't tell her parents about her dating me and in this past year with her being more assertive towards them, still having no progress in her ability to truly commit herself to us, even as a dating couple. maybe i'm being conceited. i don't know anymore. but i've been at the point of not knowing whether when the question really comes up, if she'd actually want to become one with me in the eyes of God. i want to celebrate the happiness that we have together, but the cloud that looms is thicker than ever separating us from that happiness oh too frequently. again, i don't know, but when i think about what could be and then see what is, find it hard to celebrate and in these times regret being a realist. four years. wow. is that commitment so much to ask? until then---

on the return trip from a long day of work - music lessons and the norm - i was driving my Exploder and observed in my line of sight a really cool thing that made me happy. you know: warm and fuzzy happy. a man - most likely a father - and a little girl were out getting exercise together. the man was definitely getting his run on - the sweat had already stuck the upper-half of his shirt to his back and chest - while his daughter rode her little pink bike with much joy and fervor, having no problem keeping up with her daddy. just the idea that staying in shape, probably after a long days work and a very important habit to hold on to, includes procuring some quality time with your child and instilling a good habit in her. i just had thoughts of doing that later in life with my child... warm... fuzzy... not the children. until then---

just when you think you'd lasted a whole month without me...
i was on my way back from my guitar lesson today when i began just randomly thinking about a friend that works with my girlfriend that she gets into lunch-time religious conversations with. i don't know exactly how they go, but i found myself really wanting to have a conversation with the gent as i've never spoken with him about such matters. but i then went into a thorough process that made me go back to a time in which i feel i was reading the Word more and was more outward with my faith in general. i then realized that i haven't really been challenged with the people around me searching for Truth or for answers in general. i guess that on my own, i don't really know what questions to try to find answers to. i'd be a poor reporter apparently.
but looking back even farther than college, i remember holding many a conversation with a neighbor across the street, Nick, who had so many questions that he'd come and ask me about. this would usually happen on days that i wasn't allowed to go out and play, so this is what happened: Nick would come over and ask if i could come out and play (this should also date this too... elementary school, maybe some middle school) and whether i'd answer the door or not, i was allowed, for some reason, to talk with him untilhe had to go home. so i'd stand at the screen door inside, he'd stand outside and we would talk about faith, religion, and other things that, looking back, seem far too bizzare for children to be worried with. but we were asking real questions. things that i know that have been asked by college students, adults, and seminary graduates.
not that i had, or have the answers, it was fun for me to be able to know where to find them, and look for them. the search for the pertinence of God was more than the walk itself it seems. i feel that it's just become a walk, and i'm not sitting well with that. i've been learning a lot about God though reading the Word in a forum study and through personal search through another man, Clive Staples Lewis', work. but i feel as though my own work has not been as fruitful because it doesn't have the right questions even if it has the "right" answers. every once in a while there will be a gem, but my said challenges in my faith are wearing thin and so are, i feel, the diamonds. until then---

i am continuing my reading through C.S. Lewis' work and am now on "The Problem of Pain." this one, being much more philosophical in nature, is a much thicker read in content but merely 160ish pages. it never ceases to amaze me the relevance that Lewis has today when he was writing to a culture without many of the amenities that we currently enjoy. but i figure that it's appropriate that this is so since we are dealing with the same problems globally that existed in his time or are a cause of the problems that were created in that time. anyway, i wanted to share a quote found on page 31 in this edition that i think that anyone can benefit from, even those that don't believe in a Creative Being that defined all we know:

By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we might be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness -- the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long at they are contented?' We want , in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven -- a senile benevolence who, as they say, 'liked to see young people enjoying themselves', and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, 'a good time was had by all'. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception: I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don't, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction. (any emphasis added is from myself)

just sharing... wow. until then---

so i saw this petition thing on facebook regarding ABC's debate last Wednesday. it asks ABC to "Stop Distracting America!" it links to the "Enough Distractions" campaign brought by MoveOn.org Political Action™. even without seeing the debate, i know exactly what they're talking about. i can't bear to watch much of the coverage after the primaries and cringed at the coverage before that. i figured that i'd share what i wrote:

Not only are "debates" such as these making a mockery of American politics but ignoring candidates that don't buy into your corrupt media output and might take away from your money-making political tabloids is unacceptable and destroys the democracy in our republic. Your abuse of the power of media is appalling and must be cleaned up if we are to remedy the problems that this nation faces. It reflects poorly on the US other nation's eyes and causes larger riffs between our nation and others as well. A major power in the world is slowly becoming like the dictatorships and third world countries that US forces have spent so much time policing. Where is the media that is actually looking for the real information that affects the people? When I can get better/more accurate news from other nation's news sources, there is definitely a problem. It is fair for the people to demand that you FIX IT!

hopefully they actually read these so i think that calling them out is a good thing. check it out here: http://pol.moveon.org/enoughdistractions/?rc=fb let your voice matter! until then---

so for those that might be interested, i just did a pretty massive update in The Notebook (it's over there, too -->). i put them in order of the dates that i actually entered them into my writing notebook that i carry with me just about everywhere so the earliest one is in there from august 07... it's been a while since i've transferred anything over to the site...

oh well, i think that there's some pretty solid stuff in there... most of them i feel will be songs, if they aren't already. until then---

a message to those who hate me for no reason:
you know who you are, and so do many others.
but i'm weary of this battle, things are foggy at best
and i know that i can't gain any headway.
it's not my place to do any more than what i have thus far
but i've tried anyway, to no avail and it's taken it's toll.
i must say though that you must know that it's wrong
to hold so tightly to an idea that has failed.
your mind is quite clouded to believe as you do
and then say that you follow the Way and the Truth.
i needed to write this as i know that i've found
that i am not the one who can win this war
and i abdicate my post in hopes that a victory is possible.
i don't believe this is me in defeat
but realizing the need for a change
to advance the purpose of the conflict
and to resolve the issues lying within
you and the one with whom the power lies with.

until then---

ThouGHTs WHiLE STARing at A wAll

many days i wish that i had a recorder somehow attached to my being that had capability to be played back on command. for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to work that way...

until then---

yeah yeah it's been a while, blah blah blah....

those of you that have been to my place, know that i have a humble fish tank. and many fish in it that i love... well one of them is questionably taking advantage of that...
anyway, as with most fish tanks, death occurs as a part of the fish cycle. since these are not normal goldfish, they should generally last longer. i actually think they'd out last me if they could find food themselves...
but that brings me to today, this morning, a couple of minutes ago. i walk in to feed the remaining fish since Isamu's passing a few weeks ago - he apparently got a bit sick after his fins were slowly bitten to pieces by Lily, a much larger, genetically enhanced fish that used to be the size that Isamu only got to and also therefore had some issues swimming. the fish remaining: the five original tetra (The Quintetras), Lily, and a small catfish, Waldo. so here's the normal deal: i walk in the the living room to the tank, Lily comes up to the top smacking her ginormous mouth, i place a pinch of food above her and a pinch nearer where the other fish are so that they can get some without her noticing. btw, this is a GOLDFISH... a now extremely territorial goldfish. anyway, this is not how it goes down. i walk in, and Lily is nowhere near the top, which i think is odd, but i feed first ask questions later. i do this and watch as the tetras hide in a corner of the tank that they usually don't, Lily is in the opposite corner of course, but she' got her ginormous mouth open and it looks as though she can't get something out. at first i just think 'it's probably just a rock that went a little too far... it'll come out.' then i think, 'where's Waldo?... HOLY CRAP!' since Lily has her ginormous mouth open toward me i can kind of see inside of it. i swear that i found Waldo. she freaking ate Waldo and he's sucking on her insides for dear life! nature, man. i guess that's why she isn't hungry.
anyway, i don't think that there's anything i can do for them... they will have to duel it out. if it was a rock, i'd try to get it out, but in this case i'd kill them both, and it'd be a less awesome death... after all i'm no vet. next time you come over, i might have some new fish... we'll see, i might just fill the tank with tetras. until then---

for those that didn't realize it, i'm golden for a year from yesterday at 1918. until then---

as of late, i've been trying to dedicate even more of my time (like i don't already) to figuring out ways to get kindred fall (my band - for those that didn't know that...) more out in the world. more renown. we are making plans to record this winter, and trying to find someone to record us for a low cost on our end is going to be tough but i've already gotten some bites. we've got some solid new tunes that need to be put on record... also so that we can get a drummer to learn the parts much faster.

along with that, i'd like to be making a bit of money, so merchandising is key. aside from selling the albums once their done, we will need some shirts, etc. to sell along with it. we have tried some inexpensive methods, but listen to this one: we put the shirt designs up online. fans looking to buy the shirt, go out an purchase a blank (or not) t-shirt, tank-top, sweatshirt, or other apparel that they know fits them and that they want a kindred fall logo on. they then send us the apparel and we'll custom make it based on the fans' preferences as indicated in the order. then, of course, we'll send it back. awesome, no? i'm really trying to get a feel for the idea - to see if anyone i even know would be interested in the idea... if it were a band they actually liked and not just their friend's band. anyway, it's a time of change, and of doing thing "right", i guess, and i'm looking for some friendly confirming help. help? until then---