thOUGHts WhiLE StaRing AT a Wall

what if we started over?

"hello, i'm __"
"i'm __, nice to meet you." *smile*
it's a lovely smile and i feel attached to it already. her beautiful, blue eyes pierce my very being and send my mind whirling through thoughts of the future - house, cars, kids. but we're here. now. i have to remember that.
whatever past she carries is less important than the present. whatever future either of us thinks of is not now and should not be considered in getting to know her here. now.
it doesn't matter that we set this up. it doesn't matter that we do have a past... with each other. that's not important now. it's important that i still love her. that although i know the past, it's where we go from here. now.

until then---

i know that it's bad timing, but i had to ask myself some questions last night and this morning that i wish that i didn't have to ask.
i received a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday from an old friend that i haven't actually seen or ever really in probably two years. not only that, we dated a few years before that so that seems like it'd be awkward, right? well let's just say that the beginning of our friendship from when we met in our junior year at a leadership camp at Pepperdine U. began with years of not seeing each other, but keeping contact. she's a musician, a great one at that, and we share much in common in that regard. the guy that finally caught her though, has to be a special gentleman... i thought that it would be impossible for this gypsy woman to settle down, but it seems she's found her match and i'm happy for her. in the handmade, personalized invitation (as a "passport" - highly appropriate...), she talks about the things that she and i talked about as we broke off our brief time together as a couple. she found someone that completes her as the other half. it sounds simple and obvious, but for people like us, to find such an extreme opposite to balance us is rare. sure, there are things that will find much middle ground and even things that the other will love that we'll have an ability for, but there's no way that we could love it as much. i read the invitation and just yearned for my girlfriend and i to be able to get pass the problems presented by her parents. i believe that that same bond that my friend has with her fiancee, i have with my girlfriend.
the reason this is so hard today in particular is that we celebrate four years (loosely) together as a couple. but for me, i'm beginning to wonder what it is that we're celebrating or what there really is to celebrate. for three of those years, she wouldn't tell her parents about her dating me and in this past year with her being more assertive towards them, still having no progress in her ability to truly commit herself to us, even as a dating couple. maybe i'm being conceited. i don't know anymore. but i've been at the point of not knowing whether when the question really comes up, if she'd actually want to become one with me in the eyes of God. i want to celebrate the happiness that we have together, but the cloud that looms is thicker than ever separating us from that happiness oh too frequently. again, i don't know, but when i think about what could be and then see what is, find it hard to celebrate and in these times regret being a realist. four years. wow. is that commitment so much to ask? until then---

on the return trip from a long day of work - music lessons and the norm - i was driving my Exploder and observed in my line of sight a really cool thing that made me happy. you know: warm and fuzzy happy. a man - most likely a father - and a little girl were out getting exercise together. the man was definitely getting his run on - the sweat had already stuck the upper-half of his shirt to his back and chest - while his daughter rode her little pink bike with much joy and fervor, having no problem keeping up with her daddy. just the idea that staying in shape, probably after a long days work and a very important habit to hold on to, includes procuring some quality time with your child and instilling a good habit in her. i just had thoughts of doing that later in life with my child... warm... fuzzy... not the children. until then---

just when you think you'd lasted a whole month without me...
i was on my way back from my guitar lesson today when i began just randomly thinking about a friend that works with my girlfriend that she gets into lunch-time religious conversations with. i don't know exactly how they go, but i found myself really wanting to have a conversation with the gent as i've never spoken with him about such matters. but i then went into a thorough process that made me go back to a time in which i feel i was reading the Word more and was more outward with my faith in general. i then realized that i haven't really been challenged with the people around me searching for Truth or for answers in general. i guess that on my own, i don't really know what questions to try to find answers to. i'd be a poor reporter apparently.
but looking back even farther than college, i remember holding many a conversation with a neighbor across the street, Nick, who had so many questions that he'd come and ask me about. this would usually happen on days that i wasn't allowed to go out and play, so this is what happened: Nick would come over and ask if i could come out and play (this should also date this too... elementary school, maybe some middle school) and whether i'd answer the door or not, i was allowed, for some reason, to talk with him untilhe had to go home. so i'd stand at the screen door inside, he'd stand outside and we would talk about faith, religion, and other things that, looking back, seem far too bizzare for children to be worried with. but we were asking real questions. things that i know that have been asked by college students, adults, and seminary graduates.
not that i had, or have the answers, it was fun for me to be able to know where to find them, and look for them. the search for the pertinence of God was more than the walk itself it seems. i feel that it's just become a walk, and i'm not sitting well with that. i've been learning a lot about God though reading the Word in a forum study and through personal search through another man, Clive Staples Lewis', work. but i feel as though my own work has not been as fruitful because it doesn't have the right questions even if it has the "right" answers. every once in a while there will be a gem, but my said challenges in my faith are wearing thin and so are, i feel, the diamonds. until then---

i am continuing my reading through C.S. Lewis' work and am now on "The Problem of Pain." this one, being much more philosophical in nature, is a much thicker read in content but merely 160ish pages. it never ceases to amaze me the relevance that Lewis has today when he was writing to a culture without many of the amenities that we currently enjoy. but i figure that it's appropriate that this is so since we are dealing with the same problems globally that existed in his time or are a cause of the problems that were created in that time. anyway, i wanted to share a quote found on page 31 in this edition that i think that anyone can benefit from, even those that don't believe in a Creative Being that defined all we know:

By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we might be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness -- the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long at they are contented?' We want , in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven -- a senile benevolence who, as they say, 'liked to see young people enjoying themselves', and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, 'a good time was had by all'. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception: I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don't, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction. (any emphasis added is from myself)

just sharing... wow. until then---

so i saw this petition thing on facebook regarding ABC's debate last Wednesday. it asks ABC to "Stop Distracting America!" it links to the "Enough Distractions" campaign brought by MoveOn.org Political Action™. even without seeing the debate, i know exactly what they're talking about. i can't bear to watch much of the coverage after the primaries and cringed at the coverage before that. i figured that i'd share what i wrote:

Not only are "debates" such as these making a mockery of American politics but ignoring candidates that don't buy into your corrupt media output and might take away from your money-making political tabloids is unacceptable and destroys the democracy in our republic. Your abuse of the power of media is appalling and must be cleaned up if we are to remedy the problems that this nation faces. It reflects poorly on the US other nation's eyes and causes larger riffs between our nation and others as well. A major power in the world is slowly becoming like the dictatorships and third world countries that US forces have spent so much time policing. Where is the media that is actually looking for the real information that affects the people? When I can get better/more accurate news from other nation's news sources, there is definitely a problem. It is fair for the people to demand that you FIX IT!

hopefully they actually read these so i think that calling them out is a good thing. check it out here: http://pol.moveon.org/enoughdistractions/?rc=fb let your voice matter! until then---

so for those that might be interested, i just did a pretty massive update in The Notebook (it's over there, too -->). i put them in order of the dates that i actually entered them into my writing notebook that i carry with me just about everywhere so the earliest one is in there from august 07... it's been a while since i've transferred anything over to the site...

oh well, i think that there's some pretty solid stuff in there... most of them i feel will be songs, if they aren't already. until then---

a message to those who hate me for no reason:
you know who you are, and so do many others.
but i'm weary of this battle, things are foggy at best
and i know that i can't gain any headway.
it's not my place to do any more than what i have thus far
but i've tried anyway, to no avail and it's taken it's toll.
i must say though that you must know that it's wrong
to hold so tightly to an idea that has failed.
your mind is quite clouded to believe as you do
and then say that you follow the Way and the Truth.
i needed to write this as i know that i've found
that i am not the one who can win this war
and i abdicate my post in hopes that a victory is possible.
i don't believe this is me in defeat
but realizing the need for a change
to advance the purpose of the conflict
and to resolve the issues lying within
you and the one with whom the power lies with.

until then---

ThouGHTs WHiLE STARing at A wAll

many days i wish that i had a recorder somehow attached to my being that had capability to be played back on command. for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to work that way...

until then---

yeah yeah it's been a while, blah blah blah....

those of you that have been to my place, know that i have a humble fish tank. and many fish in it that i love... well one of them is questionably taking advantage of that...
anyway, as with most fish tanks, death occurs as a part of the fish cycle. since these are not normal goldfish, they should generally last longer. i actually think they'd out last me if they could find food themselves...
but that brings me to today, this morning, a couple of minutes ago. i walk in to feed the remaining fish since Isamu's passing a few weeks ago - he apparently got a bit sick after his fins were slowly bitten to pieces by Lily, a much larger, genetically enhanced fish that used to be the size that Isamu only got to and also therefore had some issues swimming. the fish remaining: the five original tetra (The Quintetras), Lily, and a small catfish, Waldo. so here's the normal deal: i walk in the the living room to the tank, Lily comes up to the top smacking her ginormous mouth, i place a pinch of food above her and a pinch nearer where the other fish are so that they can get some without her noticing. btw, this is a GOLDFISH... a now extremely territorial goldfish. anyway, this is not how it goes down. i walk in, and Lily is nowhere near the top, which i think is odd, but i feed first ask questions later. i do this and watch as the tetras hide in a corner of the tank that they usually don't, Lily is in the opposite corner of course, but she' got her ginormous mouth open and it looks as though she can't get something out. at first i just think 'it's probably just a rock that went a little too far... it'll come out.' then i think, 'where's Waldo?... HOLY CRAP!' since Lily has her ginormous mouth open toward me i can kind of see inside of it. i swear that i found Waldo. she freaking ate Waldo and he's sucking on her insides for dear life! nature, man. i guess that's why she isn't hungry.
anyway, i don't think that there's anything i can do for them... they will have to duel it out. if it was a rock, i'd try to get it out, but in this case i'd kill them both, and it'd be a less awesome death... after all i'm no vet. next time you come over, i might have some new fish... we'll see, i might just fill the tank with tetras. until then---

for those that didn't realize it, i'm golden for a year from yesterday at 1918. until then---

as of late, i've been trying to dedicate even more of my time (like i don't already) to figuring out ways to get kindred fall (my band - for those that didn't know that...) more out in the world. more renown. we are making plans to record this winter, and trying to find someone to record us for a low cost on our end is going to be tough but i've already gotten some bites. we've got some solid new tunes that need to be put on record... also so that we can get a drummer to learn the parts much faster.

along with that, i'd like to be making a bit of money, so merchandising is key. aside from selling the albums once their done, we will need some shirts, etc. to sell along with it. we have tried some inexpensive methods, but listen to this one: we put the shirt designs up online. fans looking to buy the shirt, go out an purchase a blank (or not) t-shirt, tank-top, sweatshirt, or other apparel that they know fits them and that they want a kindred fall logo on. they then send us the apparel and we'll custom make it based on the fans' preferences as indicated in the order. then, of course, we'll send it back. awesome, no? i'm really trying to get a feel for the idea - to see if anyone i even know would be interested in the idea... if it were a band they actually liked and not just their friend's band. anyway, it's a time of change, and of doing thing "right", i guess, and i'm looking for some friendly confirming help. help? until then---

so today, i saw another one of those "God Bless America" stickers. i am obviously adverse to them in some way... anyway, the first thing that i noticed on this sticker is that 'God bless' is almost unreadable, and if they really were looking for God to bless this nation, they would want to emphasize the fact that God is that One that they are trying to get the attention pointed towards. otherwise, it's just some sort of twisted nationalism.

i'd guess that simply because of my questioning of the placement of words and of the nature of the person with the sticker (they also had a tow hitch cover with the iconic ichthys below the statement "HEAVEN BOUND") is not only bad for my faith, but also questioning my loyalty for the country in which i live. of course, i know that this is not true. that i, like many others (Michael Moore, Ron Paul, Jon Foreman, etc.) are advocates for the rights that we as Americans have but have not taken advantage of in many many years.

we have more recently as a nation become sheep, blindly following our "leaders" who also love to wear their own blinders. the problem is that our shepherds let the ones that go astray (the advocates for change) be devoured by the lions. especially if it hurts their pockets. i just started reading "Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold" by Clive Staples Lewis and a character in it called the Fox, a Greek slave brought in to teach the heirs to the throne, says two things that have already struck me: "Are not all men of one blood?" and earlier, "No man can be an exile if he remembers that all the world is one city." these statements are now considered revolutionary but really are no different than the teachings of many prophets of many religions around the world. Jesus, in his interpretation of the ancient Jewish teachings, Hindu and Buddhist teachings, and many of the philosophers of the ancient world (Confucius, Socrates, etc.) all taught from this same "revolutionary" stance. the people of the world are all important, and the only time to take any action that may (note: not will) harm another is when the importance of the worth of humanity is being compromised.

I recently read or heard someone that said that once he realized that the prophets were the champions of the people, not the kings, the Bible made more sense. that's life in a nutshell isn't it? the prophets aren't the power behind the execution of the law, the people are, but they abdicate their power to someone that they think will wield it in their favor without remembering what the prophets told them of. so they end up suffering needlessly at the hands of a newly elected (by the mob in battle, or by votes, or both in the same) leader.

basically, this all leads to a change in thought. if those of us with faith in Gods existence and power would stop buying in to the idea that America is IT; would listen closely to the prophets and act on the truths they speak; think on our own terms and not our leaders'; allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to see others for how they are, not what their painted for us to be; then maybe God can bless humanity... American included. until then---

the truth is spoken:


from Bryan Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness.

everything does not suck. until then---

ThOUghts WHilE sTariNG at A wAll

i was asked along with some current Chapmanites to play on the finale at a choir festival of sorts held in a Morman church in Irvine. (i may write more specifically about it later.) it left me wondering, is it possible to respect all other religions and not forsake the truth of your own - namely the Truth that Christ spoke of? i believe so. but if that is the case, why do we have Christian leaders forsaking the Truth just for the sake of respecting other's gods? until then---

tHouGHts While STARing AT A Wall

the other day i was having a discussion with a friend explaining things that i thought were cool about driving in other countries that i've been to. being that i've been only to Japan and Italy, this is obviously a generalization, but hear me out.

my experience in Italy was great and it was interesting to observe the brashnes of their driving style. the fast lane is truly the FAST lane; if you're in the left lane and someone is coming up behind you on the autostrade flashing their brights from a chilometre away, you'd better move out of the way, or you'll get run over. lanes are merely a suggestion there, as well as speed limits.

in Japan, people flash their brights to let you go ahead of them... even at a yielding left turn - if there is more traffic that needs to turn across, you let them go! also, every train track is like a stop sign... they're pretty much the only "stop signs" there. bicycles are neither a motor vehicle or pedestrian, but some sort of hybrid of the two that allow them to have the right of way on the road and the sidewalk.

these driving styles are quite different from each other but work very well in their respective countries. i was out today in traffic an realized that that may be one of the problems of our situation in California... in our melding of cultures and societies, we've not allowed for a solid driving identity; we've mixed some things that shouldn't be mixed and that's why good driving is so hard to find. there could be some deeper meaning...

also these "thoughts" aren't supposed to be this long. until then---

a man - mildly scruffy, yet not too noticably, but definitely a bit dirty - walks into the front office from the warehouse that he works in. as he walks through to pick up some papers, he non-chalantly notices a face he recognizes in the few people waiting for service in the early hours of the morning.

"how's it going, jerry? long time no see!"

there's never any direct eye contact

"things are good. just waiting to have some work done. how are things with you?"

the man, now headed directly back to the warehouse and already almost out the door -

"just another day in paradise."

ok, so i witnessed basically this exact conversation. i was mildly perplexed at the man's response. 'is he being sarcastic, or is he serious?' i mean, yeah, this is california and all, but paradise? we were in a place just outside of Garden Grove in yet another industial park, they guy worked in a warehouse, and he said his last response a bit too happy for him to be completely serious... right? i just had to mark this down... it was a weird moment for me. i wasn't sure if i wanted him to be serious about being in paradise or not. i'm still not. but one thing that i must add is that this whole time, and the remainder of the time waiting, we could hear another warehouse guy singing his heart out - almost obnoxiously, but it was great - to whatever tune there was on in the warehouse. he even came in to use the restroom and was pounding on the wall at one point in beat with whatever he was whistling as he came in the door. now that's pure joy... or he's hiding something :) until then---

friendship is a very interesting thing when you think about it. i recently was talking to a friend that stated (jokingly... well, at least that was his disclaimer): "we never hang out, so you're not really my friend." the weird thing for me about this statement is that we happened to be hanging out, all be it with a larger group, but none the less...

anyway, i feel that this sort of attitude begs the question of what friendship is or means to an individual. I hate to pick on this person, but another time - maybe even the same day - he stated: "yeah, she's not really a friend; she only calls me when she needs something." well yeah, that shouldn't be the only time that you want to see a friend, but that mere fact that you are relying on a friend in a time of need (or want) shows some sort of reliance. is that reliance a part of friendship? maybe.

the way i see it, friends are made by accident and random occurrence. common interests lead to being in the same place at the same time, and the first person to start up a conversation - verbal or non-verbal - initiates the potential friendship. when does the relationship move from a mere acquaintance to a friendship? i don't know, and maybe that's what my friend means by not really being a friend, but i do know that even though we don't hang out all that much, i would be at his side if he needed me and i'm sure that he'd do the same.

those common interests may be a door that leads to something deep, or something simple or shallow. when the entryway is shallow, that may be the acquaintance. how do we know if it's deep or not? well that's tough for me too, because when i think of something deeper, i think that it must relate somehow with the love that we are to show to our fellow human. if we should love everyone, how could anyone be worth any less to us? well for starters, we'd probably go crazy trying to keep up with everyone that important in our lives - it's hard enough as it were with friends in the hundreds... probably not even. but imagine the billions of people... we're talking God status here. the impossibility of this is actually unfathomable in itself for me. but what makes me say that i would be at my friend's side in a time of need when i'm not there just to hang out? idunno, but i have faith in that love that will make it true when it's tested.

maybe that's the difference. what you put in is what you get out. sometimes you get out more, sometimes you give more. but if you're keeping score, that's not love. so if you don't consider someone your friend, i guess consider what you've put in before what you've received. at least that's something to think about.

there seems to be a lot that i don't know about this, but i was just intrigued by the notion. i will not apologize for it :) i love you all, my friends (mi amigos, mi amici, mes amis, meine freunde, waga furenzu). until then---

ThougHTs WHile StARing at A Wall

...or while staring at a license plate holder that reads:

GOD

BLESS AMERICA

i began rapidly thinking about the opposite possibility: GOD DAMN AMERICA

then i began thinking about the differences in inflection and punctuation that makes very cool things possible. between the both of these statements, there are many changes in meaning and tone that can occur. the same three words can make you a nice person, a sarcastic person, a "godly" person, a hater, and on and on. i'm interested to see what people come up with... i think that there's one that i'd like to see America truly use... it'll be better than bombs. until then---

"The Screwtape Letters", a brilliant collection of letters compiled (and written) by Clive Staples Lewis, is quite a work. like "Mere Christianity," it deals with many of the same simplicities of Chritianity but in a fashion much more cynical of very specific courses of life. even more cynical is the piece "Screwtape Proposes a Toast" that was written later as a separate work (only a few pages long) from the 'letters' but uses the same cynical character to be the face of his own voice. i just finished reading these both and wish that i could prove to be as brilliantly poised in my cynicism as Lewis has proven to be. i don't know that everyone that has read his work has come to fully understand what he was saying, but i must say that however much of his criticisms of the world and religions of his day were true, i can definitely find him to be prophetic in much of his writing as i see that the majority of it has strong ties to the truths of todays society. i may give more specifics on a later date, but i'm just going to suggest a read of both of these works: i don't see how anyone would not feel a need to make a change after doing so. until then---