a message to those who hate me for no reason:
you know who you are, and so do many others.
but i'm weary of this battle, things are foggy at best
and i know that i can't gain any headway.
it's not my place to do any more than what i have thus far
but i've tried anyway, to no avail and it's taken it's toll.
i must say though that you must know that it's wrong
to hold so tightly to an idea that has failed.
your mind is quite clouded to believe as you do
and then say that you follow the Way and the Truth.
i needed to write this as i know that i've found
that i am not the one who can win this war
and i abdicate my post in hopes that a victory is possible.
i don't believe this is me in defeat
but realizing the need for a change
to advance the purpose of the conflict
and to resolve the issues lying within
you and the one with whom the power lies with.

until then---

ThouGHTs WHiLE STARing at A wAll

many days i wish that i had a recorder somehow attached to my being that had capability to be played back on command. for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to work that way...

until then---

yeah yeah it's been a while, blah blah blah....

those of you that have been to my place, know that i have a humble fish tank. and many fish in it that i love... well one of them is questionably taking advantage of that...
anyway, as with most fish tanks, death occurs as a part of the fish cycle. since these are not normal goldfish, they should generally last longer. i actually think they'd out last me if they could find food themselves...
but that brings me to today, this morning, a couple of minutes ago. i walk in to feed the remaining fish since Isamu's passing a few weeks ago - he apparently got a bit sick after his fins were slowly bitten to pieces by Lily, a much larger, genetically enhanced fish that used to be the size that Isamu only got to and also therefore had some issues swimming. the fish remaining: the five original tetra (The Quintetras), Lily, and a small catfish, Waldo. so here's the normal deal: i walk in the the living room to the tank, Lily comes up to the top smacking her ginormous mouth, i place a pinch of food above her and a pinch nearer where the other fish are so that they can get some without her noticing. btw, this is a GOLDFISH... a now extremely territorial goldfish. anyway, this is not how it goes down. i walk in, and Lily is nowhere near the top, which i think is odd, but i feed first ask questions later. i do this and watch as the tetras hide in a corner of the tank that they usually don't, Lily is in the opposite corner of course, but she' got her ginormous mouth open and it looks as though she can't get something out. at first i just think 'it's probably just a rock that went a little too far... it'll come out.' then i think, 'where's Waldo?... HOLY CRAP!' since Lily has her ginormous mouth open toward me i can kind of see inside of it. i swear that i found Waldo. she freaking ate Waldo and he's sucking on her insides for dear life! nature, man. i guess that's why she isn't hungry.
anyway, i don't think that there's anything i can do for them... they will have to duel it out. if it was a rock, i'd try to get it out, but in this case i'd kill them both, and it'd be a less awesome death... after all i'm no vet. next time you come over, i might have some new fish... we'll see, i might just fill the tank with tetras. until then---

for those that didn't realize it, i'm golden for a year from yesterday at 1918. until then---

as of late, i've been trying to dedicate even more of my time (like i don't already) to figuring out ways to get kindred fall (my band - for those that didn't know that...) more out in the world. more renown. we are making plans to record this winter, and trying to find someone to record us for a low cost on our end is going to be tough but i've already gotten some bites. we've got some solid new tunes that need to be put on record... also so that we can get a drummer to learn the parts much faster.

along with that, i'd like to be making a bit of money, so merchandising is key. aside from selling the albums once their done, we will need some shirts, etc. to sell along with it. we have tried some inexpensive methods, but listen to this one: we put the shirt designs up online. fans looking to buy the shirt, go out an purchase a blank (or not) t-shirt, tank-top, sweatshirt, or other apparel that they know fits them and that they want a kindred fall logo on. they then send us the apparel and we'll custom make it based on the fans' preferences as indicated in the order. then, of course, we'll send it back. awesome, no? i'm really trying to get a feel for the idea - to see if anyone i even know would be interested in the idea... if it were a band they actually liked and not just their friend's band. anyway, it's a time of change, and of doing thing "right", i guess, and i'm looking for some friendly confirming help. help? until then---

so today, i saw another one of those "God Bless America" stickers. i am obviously adverse to them in some way... anyway, the first thing that i noticed on this sticker is that 'God bless' is almost unreadable, and if they really were looking for God to bless this nation, they would want to emphasize the fact that God is that One that they are trying to get the attention pointed towards. otherwise, it's just some sort of twisted nationalism.

i'd guess that simply because of my questioning of the placement of words and of the nature of the person with the sticker (they also had a tow hitch cover with the iconic ichthys below the statement "HEAVEN BOUND") is not only bad for my faith, but also questioning my loyalty for the country in which i live. of course, i know that this is not true. that i, like many others (Michael Moore, Ron Paul, Jon Foreman, etc.) are advocates for the rights that we as Americans have but have not taken advantage of in many many years.

we have more recently as a nation become sheep, blindly following our "leaders" who also love to wear their own blinders. the problem is that our shepherds let the ones that go astray (the advocates for change) be devoured by the lions. especially if it hurts their pockets. i just started reading "Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold" by Clive Staples Lewis and a character in it called the Fox, a Greek slave brought in to teach the heirs to the throne, says two things that have already struck me: "Are not all men of one blood?" and earlier, "No man can be an exile if he remembers that all the world is one city." these statements are now considered revolutionary but really are no different than the teachings of many prophets of many religions around the world. Jesus, in his interpretation of the ancient Jewish teachings, Hindu and Buddhist teachings, and many of the philosophers of the ancient world (Confucius, Socrates, etc.) all taught from this same "revolutionary" stance. the people of the world are all important, and the only time to take any action that may (note: not will) harm another is when the importance of the worth of humanity is being compromised.

I recently read or heard someone that said that once he realized that the prophets were the champions of the people, not the kings, the Bible made more sense. that's life in a nutshell isn't it? the prophets aren't the power behind the execution of the law, the people are, but they abdicate their power to someone that they think will wield it in their favor without remembering what the prophets told them of. so they end up suffering needlessly at the hands of a newly elected (by the mob in battle, or by votes, or both in the same) leader.

basically, this all leads to a change in thought. if those of us with faith in Gods existence and power would stop buying in to the idea that America is IT; would listen closely to the prophets and act on the truths they speak; think on our own terms and not our leaders'; allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to see others for how they are, not what their painted for us to be; then maybe God can bless humanity... American included. until then---

the truth is spoken:


from Bryan Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness.

everything does not suck. until then---

ThOUghts WHilE sTariNG at A wAll

i was asked along with some current Chapmanites to play on the finale at a choir festival of sorts held in a Morman church in Irvine. (i may write more specifically about it later.) it left me wondering, is it possible to respect all other religions and not forsake the truth of your own - namely the Truth that Christ spoke of? i believe so. but if that is the case, why do we have Christian leaders forsaking the Truth just for the sake of respecting other's gods? until then---

tHouGHts While STARing AT A Wall

the other day i was having a discussion with a friend explaining things that i thought were cool about driving in other countries that i've been to. being that i've been only to Japan and Italy, this is obviously a generalization, but hear me out.

my experience in Italy was great and it was interesting to observe the brashnes of their driving style. the fast lane is truly the FAST lane; if you're in the left lane and someone is coming up behind you on the autostrade flashing their brights from a chilometre away, you'd better move out of the way, or you'll get run over. lanes are merely a suggestion there, as well as speed limits.

in Japan, people flash their brights to let you go ahead of them... even at a yielding left turn - if there is more traffic that needs to turn across, you let them go! also, every train track is like a stop sign... they're pretty much the only "stop signs" there. bicycles are neither a motor vehicle or pedestrian, but some sort of hybrid of the two that allow them to have the right of way on the road and the sidewalk.

these driving styles are quite different from each other but work very well in their respective countries. i was out today in traffic an realized that that may be one of the problems of our situation in California... in our melding of cultures and societies, we've not allowed for a solid driving identity; we've mixed some things that shouldn't be mixed and that's why good driving is so hard to find. there could be some deeper meaning...

also these "thoughts" aren't supposed to be this long. until then---

a man - mildly scruffy, yet not too noticably, but definitely a bit dirty - walks into the front office from the warehouse that he works in. as he walks through to pick up some papers, he non-chalantly notices a face he recognizes in the few people waiting for service in the early hours of the morning.

"how's it going, jerry? long time no see!"

there's never any direct eye contact

"things are good. just waiting to have some work done. how are things with you?"

the man, now headed directly back to the warehouse and already almost out the door -

"just another day in paradise."

ok, so i witnessed basically this exact conversation. i was mildly perplexed at the man's response. 'is he being sarcastic, or is he serious?' i mean, yeah, this is california and all, but paradise? we were in a place just outside of Garden Grove in yet another industial park, they guy worked in a warehouse, and he said his last response a bit too happy for him to be completely serious... right? i just had to mark this down... it was a weird moment for me. i wasn't sure if i wanted him to be serious about being in paradise or not. i'm still not. but one thing that i must add is that this whole time, and the remainder of the time waiting, we could hear another warehouse guy singing his heart out - almost obnoxiously, but it was great - to whatever tune there was on in the warehouse. he even came in to use the restroom and was pounding on the wall at one point in beat with whatever he was whistling as he came in the door. now that's pure joy... or he's hiding something :) until then---

friendship is a very interesting thing when you think about it. i recently was talking to a friend that stated (jokingly... well, at least that was his disclaimer): "we never hang out, so you're not really my friend." the weird thing for me about this statement is that we happened to be hanging out, all be it with a larger group, but none the less...

anyway, i feel that this sort of attitude begs the question of what friendship is or means to an individual. I hate to pick on this person, but another time - maybe even the same day - he stated: "yeah, she's not really a friend; she only calls me when she needs something." well yeah, that shouldn't be the only time that you want to see a friend, but that mere fact that you are relying on a friend in a time of need (or want) shows some sort of reliance. is that reliance a part of friendship? maybe.

the way i see it, friends are made by accident and random occurrence. common interests lead to being in the same place at the same time, and the first person to start up a conversation - verbal or non-verbal - initiates the potential friendship. when does the relationship move from a mere acquaintance to a friendship? i don't know, and maybe that's what my friend means by not really being a friend, but i do know that even though we don't hang out all that much, i would be at his side if he needed me and i'm sure that he'd do the same.

those common interests may be a door that leads to something deep, or something simple or shallow. when the entryway is shallow, that may be the acquaintance. how do we know if it's deep or not? well that's tough for me too, because when i think of something deeper, i think that it must relate somehow with the love that we are to show to our fellow human. if we should love everyone, how could anyone be worth any less to us? well for starters, we'd probably go crazy trying to keep up with everyone that important in our lives - it's hard enough as it were with friends in the hundreds... probably not even. but imagine the billions of people... we're talking God status here. the impossibility of this is actually unfathomable in itself for me. but what makes me say that i would be at my friend's side in a time of need when i'm not there just to hang out? idunno, but i have faith in that love that will make it true when it's tested.

maybe that's the difference. what you put in is what you get out. sometimes you get out more, sometimes you give more. but if you're keeping score, that's not love. so if you don't consider someone your friend, i guess consider what you've put in before what you've received. at least that's something to think about.

there seems to be a lot that i don't know about this, but i was just intrigued by the notion. i will not apologize for it :) i love you all, my friends (mi amigos, mi amici, mes amis, meine freunde, waga furenzu). until then---

ThougHTs WHile StARing at A Wall

...or while staring at a license plate holder that reads:

GOD

BLESS AMERICA

i began rapidly thinking about the opposite possibility: GOD DAMN AMERICA

then i began thinking about the differences in inflection and punctuation that makes very cool things possible. between the both of these statements, there are many changes in meaning and tone that can occur. the same three words can make you a nice person, a sarcastic person, a "godly" person, a hater, and on and on. i'm interested to see what people come up with... i think that there's one that i'd like to see America truly use... it'll be better than bombs. until then---

"The Screwtape Letters", a brilliant collection of letters compiled (and written) by Clive Staples Lewis, is quite a work. like "Mere Christianity," it deals with many of the same simplicities of Chritianity but in a fashion much more cynical of very specific courses of life. even more cynical is the piece "Screwtape Proposes a Toast" that was written later as a separate work (only a few pages long) from the 'letters' but uses the same cynical character to be the face of his own voice. i just finished reading these both and wish that i could prove to be as brilliantly poised in my cynicism as Lewis has proven to be. i don't know that everyone that has read his work has come to fully understand what he was saying, but i must say that however much of his criticisms of the world and religions of his day were true, i can definitely find him to be prophetic in much of his writing as i see that the majority of it has strong ties to the truths of todays society. i may give more specifics on a later date, but i'm just going to suggest a read of both of these works: i don't see how anyone would not feel a need to make a change after doing so. until then---

i'm scared of myself... or should i be proud? i'm turning business savvy, i think? SAVE THE ABBEY!! until then---

so i've been reading Clive Staples Lewis' "Mere Christianity" slowly through the summer and more rapidly recently. i started it on the plane to Japan didn't read it much while there or much right when i returned to the states but i've been free to read quite a bit while i'm at work care taking... or on call to care take. (i've got free time, hence the plethora of updates.) Anyway, i acquired the book from the then soon to be Mrs. Choate because she wasn't for the style in which the book was written. i didn't really think that i'd get the chance to read it as soon as i did, but i've been wanting to read it for quite some time. it was a part of a long list of other books that i have yet to read and constantly forget that i want to buy or check out so that i can read them...

anyway, although i am not quite finished, i definitely have enjoyed reading this book. it is interesting to find things that plenty of people around me have probably picked out from this text to apply in their own lives or to preach at others. there are plenty of things in here that i have taken from others to apply to my own life and to preach to others. the first thing like this that i can remember is early on in the book when Lewis is comparing a world where people's morals led them to admire those that ran away in battle or someone that sells out his closest friends to a world where 2+2=5. for those that are into radiohead (or maybe even not into them) you would recognize that from their 2005(?) release, Hail to the Thief. and being that Lewis is well renown in the world outside of Christianity, i believe that Thom Yorke may be referencing this passage and may have possibly read this book sometime in his past. who knows? but i began thinking a lot more about it and immediately hooked my attention more closely to what was being said.

C.S. Lewis just seems to have a way to explain things so simply as if it were common knowledge, but often very obviously states that it is not... even in the Christian world. something that i read today struck me when i paired it with what i was reading yesterday. Lewis spends time making effort to explain his view on the existence of God being outside of time; that God sees everything (all time) as the present. today i was reading more about the the role of Jesus and how He had always been just as God has always been. i began thinking of the people that get stuck on the "problem" of any God followers that died before Christ came into the world as a man and died for everyone to free them from salvation. also, in the same vein, if God knew already that humanity was going to fall and that we were going to need salvation from the death of His Son why didn't he remedy the situation from the start? well, if you think about the idea that God sees everything as the present, He did in fact solve the problem from the start. just another thing that we (generally) don't give God enough credit for. He knows all, but we manage to limit Him with our own limitations. yeah, let's make God restricted by his creation... right. until then---

my shirt today reads:

FACT:
Because the weather is very good today, it turns through the mountain path comfortably by cab
Music to be left to the ears is thought to be important even now

profound??? oh well. i love the shirt and that's why i bought it. until then---

oh and i finally can take a shower after almost a week of not being able to (my last shower was on friday... also LAST MONTH!). hurray, no more french baths! until then---

i was listening to recordings this morning of riffs and songs that Kindred Fall has been working on and i realized that i can't really stand the sound of my voice. it's weird for me to think about that now that i'm approaching a quarter-century of my life, but every time i heard my voice talking (not singing, mind you), i sort of cringed. what the heck? i've been hearing my voice recorded for almost as long as i've been alive, but now i find this out: my voice is annoying. i just wanted to apologize. until then---

ever been to "blah blah" land? it's way worse than "la la" land because at least there everything is cool and sometimes a new stimulant introduces itself to my existance. "blah blah" is where i find myself. this place is going through motions or at least feeling like every motion that you may think is innovatinve or going somewhere takes you ablsolutely nowhere. oddly enough, this is not a cry for help of sorts (i need attention! friends come save me from the bustling doldrums!). rather it's just a state that i find myself and i'm jsut puzzled as to how i've gotten here.

somehow i wandered in to "blah blah" unknowing of the oddities of its existance. i'm managing to get by doing most of the things that i'd like to be doing at this time. not many people can say that right after graduating... well, anything. i've got an interestingly good relationship with my girlfriend of three years (i don't have to explain myself, i love her beyond my own death). and i've got great frindships that are also very interesting, to say the least. so if i'm being entertained, or am at least interested in the life i've come to know as my own, why the hell do i feel like i'm in "blah blah"?

maybe there is no proper answer and this land is just a place that passes over periodically just to make me question everything in my life and maybe make a change that i don't really want, or on the flip side, that i really do want and have suppressed it. idunno, but it's weird. i'm having trouble writing (in general... i guess this is going ok...) because i can't really string thoughts together long enough before i realize that "i don't know anything about this! what is this about anyway?" and i drop the idea like a bad habit.

well i sure hope that this passes over. i don't like being in "blah blah" when reality is quite good. maybe i'm stretching too hard for something unattainable. i wouldn't know. i can't think of anything i want with life that's completely out of my reach. until then---

so this is love, i think as i'm sitting in my papsan, girlfriend laying curled up on me like a cat - so beautiful. it's 26 centigrade outside, but it feels about 30 in my room, and with her laying there it feels like about 34 - i'm sweating a bit. it's uncomfortable, but so soothing. she's just happy to lay there sleeping as i run many many thoughts though my mind like as to how i'm going to move my leg without waking her - my foot is asleep by now - but i also feel that sense of happiness. calm. it's something that i really haven't felt in a while in a relationship that has been tumultuous due to bigotry that you'd hope never to encounter. not in southern california. not with educated people. but it's there, still ever-present in a society in need of a transplant of priority. in a society in need of some unconditional attention. an "economy of mercy," as i've once heard it called, i think describes it well. this economic thought runs deep. no religion, no morals, no agenda. but it's common. we all feel it, even if we're loaded with cash or stuff that can turn into cash. problem is the ones that can actually see it are afraid of the ones they believe are the only that can do anything about it and the ones that only feel it can afford to numb the sensation. a lot like my foot... numb. but even that is uncomfortable. it's uncomfortable to see the world around me being taken over by a way that i don't see as my own and i don't think anyone should be forced into. if you want it, it can be there, but "not everyone is meant to go to college" - i heard that somewhere, too. not everyone is meant to be wallowing in debt, forced into work that their self would have knocked out for even thinking the notion. there is widespread belief that you cannot affect change. i say, you can't tell me what i can and cannot do, but that's another discussion. change is positive is you want it to be, negative if you want it to be. someone else's change for good may be a change for your bad. i see our commonalities to be beyond good and bad. this is beyond religion, morals, agendas. there's something about being uncomfortable for a few minutes while the woman who will love you forever takes a little nap. it's been a long day. we all need it once in a while. until then---