so i know that this is a couple of days late but here's my V-day rant:

actually...

i'm not feeling the rant.

i didn't see anything to make me feel as though i need to rant about the commercialism of the holiday. i spend most of my time just reminding people of the saint that it is so named after. i didn't say much more than that, as i don't actually remember all that he did. i just remember him being a rather righteous fellow with a few good ideas that led to our cannonizing of him in a holiday. look him up. he's like St. Niklaus...

anyway, in short, i ended up actually doing something on V-day. my girlfriend (of almost 2.5 years now, wow) has never done anything for the holiday with a significant other. as much as i don't really like to endulge in the actions of overkilling a holiday and destrying it's meaning and purpose, she still wanted to do something. we just went to dinner, but it was a nice date. time to get away for a moment with the one that i love so dearly. to me it was just the 14th of february, a wednesday, and a night out. to my girlfriend it was a beautiful Valentine's Day spent with the person she loves. which is better? i've yet to know. happy belated V-day. until then---

i just deleted the first words of what may have been the beginning of this sentence at least 10 times... i don't know why but i really wanted the sentence to be good. i still think that it sucks, but it has achieved it's purpose. moving on...
i just finished watching "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" which may be one the most amazing stories that i've heard in a while or may ever hear. this guy is amazing and i'm reall upset with myself (though it may not be any fault of mine) that i had no clue who this guy was until i watched the film. i wouldn't have watched the film if it weren't for Kyle. (God i'm going to miss being right up the street from him...) if ou have the means, and are an artist of any sort, freaking check out this film. Kyle also suggested i watch "Touch the Sound" which i had done a while back, and that is amazing too. watching stuff like that makes me feel like i've done nothing with my pasion that they've taken to a level of masterpiece and are uninhibited by anythign that surrounds them. sounds like playing the line of insanity, but is it? what's crazy is to think that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result. but in art, can't that happen? just watch the films... if you know me, i'll hold on to them for a while longer (i've already had them both for 2 1/2 months). until then---

hopefully this isn't just another feeble attempt to get back into writing. i've missed it and have basically just pushed my extra-curricular writing to the side for the sake of keeping up with my school-work. it's a lame excuse.
so what happened first was that my band did happen to make it to the second round of the battle in which we were soundly beaten, but not without a fight. we put on a damn good show and, for the most part, played very well. a talent scout saw us and requested that we contact him. that's in the works right now. other than that, we're in the search for a drummer again, which really slows down the momentum that we were building up. we're getting calls left and right for us to play shows, but we can't do them without a drummer... they're just not condusive.
so i'm on to my last semester and that's really exciting. we'll see what happens next. this past semester has allowed for me to read more shakespeare then i thought that i could handle.. comedies and histories. geez, that guy was talented. there's a lot that i can glean from the writing that Bill has done and i'm finishing the set of folios next semester (romances and tragedies... quite depressing, really). it'l be good in the end to be able to have more time to work on what really matters to me: my music. hopefully i'll be in a place where that works out. nearing the end of another year, looking to the future. until then---

if kindred fall doesn't advance in the battle of the bands we're going to be done for a long while. i plan not to even pick up my guitar for thirty days after our elimination so that i may indulge myself in other things; spending more time writing, reading, etc. i don't know when things will resume, but i assume that they will at some point... way down the line. until then---

i just finished reading Deep River by Susaku Endo. Nicole let me borrow this book before she left for italy and pretty much right after i'd returned from japan. i left japan with a feeling that i can't really explain in words. the country is, in a sense, an identity search for itself. and it's not like most of us are not in that same search individually but for a country that has, as an entire nation, endured the true problems of following a single-minded madman (WWII; germans are very similar to this description, so i have heard), they are all in some sort of a search. the older generation looking upon the younger with much harsher distain than "oh, when i was your age...", or, "back in my day...", and the younger all wanting to find their unique selves similar to how their western counterparts are able to do freely creates an order or tradition mixed with our western capitalistic bs that we cling on to in the west and force down others' throats at every opportunity. religion seems to scare most of them... even buddhism (which i'm sure that most in the US would tend to think they all are buddhist) is more of a tradition there than any other i've seen practiced in a country known for it (yup, even the two-service-a-year/TBN Christians are practicing less tradition... or maybe there are just less, and less...). the book hits a lot of these type of things and i recommend reading it. it's a good book to just dwell on a bit and raises a lot of questions about the Christian faith (posed also as 'european Christianity') and a few other ideas about life purpose... it even leaves with a cliffhanger! (which, i must admit, i don't know if i liked, coz i'm not sure how much it added to the story. you decide.) i finished it only thinking of Switchfoot's "Happy is a Yuppie Word." a great song, but there are times when i haven't really been feeling or have forgotten it's power and wasn't thinking of the larger picture that it was created from. Jon Foreman took the piece from Solomons' Ecclesiastes and i think that Solomon was indeed wise and that his words are spoken well through Jon's interpretation. i'll leave you with it:

Everyone dies
Everyone loves a fight
Nothing is sound
Nothing is right side right
Evening comes, when the sun goes down in red
Nothing is cool
When will all the fighting end

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out (cash out)

Everything fails
Everything runs it's course
A time and a place, for all of this loving war
Everyone buys, everyone's gotta price, and nothing is new
When will all the failures rise, rise!

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out

Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word

Looking for an orphanage
I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down
I don't believe the emptiness
I'm looking for the kingdom coming down
Everything is meaningless
I want more than simple cash can buy
Happy is a yuppie word
Happy is a yuppie,

Nothing is sound

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
Happy is a yuppie word

So calm down, yeah!

until then...

today we are taking a break from intense travelling around and planning the rest of our days here in the land of the rising sun.. though i think that i've seen it only about twice all trip. it's typhoon season so i think that the cloud cover is over the whole country but it only chooses to rain in some parts of it. anyway, our plans to see a majority of a country that is roughly the size of california (but smaller) have been slighty put off by a family friend, Taro, who is awesome btw. he informed both me and nichole that to see all that we were thinking of seeing, like one of the largest feudal castles in Japan, is like taking a trip from cali to see the statue of liberty. my mind is thinking "no way... that's sooo much further away," but i then realized that when we went to Tokyo, there were Japanese tourists there... the same way we get them in th states. (actually kind of funny.) so our plan is to see all that is in the area. for instance, we plan to climb mt. fuji. very imprortant. it'll be awesome. anyway, the days have been good, and we've learned a lot about the love that the Japanese have for americans and why that exists and many other things. oh, and i heard a really good Japanese band on the radio at the mall last night. i didn't get the name, but it was the best imitation of anything that we have in the states that i've heard. not my usual style of rock i'd say, but i'd listen to it because it's Japanese. interesting outlook on things right now i think. things are good. Nichole just mentioned the Pokemon center... i think we're set on our plans for the day... until then---

so, i'm in Japan. that's pretty cool. i probably just finished having one of the most stressfull days ever... moving sucks. Also, pulling an all-nighter just before changing timezones to the other side of the world = not a good thing. but it shall be good anyway. until then---

i know i joke and say "gosh! i hate my life!" i think now a large part of me really does. or maybe i've just been lying to myself all along. i was listening to Sheryl Crow (look, i'm a fan... deal) and her song "If it Makes You Happy" came on. here's the lyrics:

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

sure, i don't get stoned, but i know that i would if i didn't mind the idea of putting smoke in my lungs, and dammit, i'd get freaking wasted every night if my girlfriend's voice wasn't always in the back of my mind. i'm thankful for that, because nothing else is really stopping me from doing those sort of things. i've in a sense given up, and i don't think that anyone cares. that's fine, it's not your job. it was inevitable anyway. i'm not as cool as anyone ever thought... i knew it all along. people may call me humble, but reality is that i just tell the truth. when people tell me "you're good at" this or that, or "you're a great friend" i definitely never agree. if i have, i must have been very ill that day. i don't see it. i'm very focused on my goals, and i'm finding them quite stale at the moment... and to be honest, i don't have much backing me up. it sounds like i'm complaining to me... that sucks. i'm sure some out there would tell me "oh no, you're not complaining, it's good to get these things off your chest..." well why the fuck don't you care to ask me? i'm really good at hiding under my smile... my teeth look too good not to try and show them off every once in a while, but wtf? i'm not really happy. i feel trapped by everything. i've got no real friendships anymore. all of those who were once friends are now acquaintances if not lower down the totem pole. and yes, i'm freaking busy, but so are all of you, so don't get pissed off at me that "we don't hang out." and by the way, i don't always have to make the phone call. basically i'm at a very stale point in my life right now. nothing is really all that exciting. but everyone else still is very excited about nothing. that's right. nothing. or you are all faking it too. why the hell am i so sad? until then---

i "only call people when i need something from them." apparently, i don't have for my friends. i'm glad they think of me in such ways, and then do the same for me, or don't call at all. until then---

THOuGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

sokay...brilliant one. i was wondering why we have all of these winter songe...."winter wonderland", "frosty the snow man", "chestnut roasting on an open fire"... and for the most part, they are only sung during Christmas time! do they not have any meaning other than Christmas? in reality, winter doesn't even start til literally right before Christmas! so what the heck? same with actual "Christ-being born" songs. there are few that i know that will sing those songs "out of season." yeah like there's a time when Christ's birth is out of season. anyway... riddle me that! unitl then---

THOUGHTS WHILE StARING AT A WALL

what is it about our human particularalities (what a word...! that one's good, even if it's not real) that makes us not want to take the first stall in the bathroom? finish off the peanut butter? stuff like that. i mean, someone's got to do it, right? why don't most of us want to be that person. the last cheese danish is there at a party... if noone eats it it will got to waste. just take it! i guess it's similar to the mentality that ends up with people killed coz noone would help. idunno, where does this idea/mentality/particularality come from? until then---

so i just got to thinking: Thanksgiving is probably the only truly American holiday that means more than just a rememberance day, or honoring. though, come to think of it, i can imagine some people thinking of it in that way. they'd celebrate the holiday, only because they have always celebrated the holiday. it's rote, and if the office was open, they'd be there...especially so they didn't have to see uncle joe. then celebrating it would include (not that this is bad...but i'm saying including the mentality) an outing to norms (or maybe better... it's the first place that came to mind... it's right up the street!), a quick happy thanksgiving to the family, eat and then go back home. yay, we just went out to celebrate thanksgiving! all i'm getting to is that this is one holiday that i think cannot be lost in the shuffle as a reason to just have a day off, or be over commercialized. there's something in the nature of the hoiday that should cause it to really stand for something more. and if people are willing to open up and be real about it, even those that don't have much can see many reasons to be thankful. and that means reasons to come together as a nation to celebrate that. until then---

THOUGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

(i came up with a segment called "thoughts while staring at a wall." i figure that it'd be a good way to post more often and to not have to be profound. the idea came to me while in a bathroom... staring at a wall... you can figure the rest, but 'we all do do it,' i thought to myself, 'and i'm sure we have random thought while we do.' so these may come from shower-time, potty-time, or whatever. here goes nothing...)

water is quite facinating. think about it: we as humans are at least 66% water and yet, as we touch it, it does not conform to our being. or even as it touches anything else for that matter. and the way in which it evaporates or even the fact that it does... i'm in awe of the h2o. until then---

"Dream a dream so big that if you just get half of it, you'll still do okay. But don't hesistate. Dream big, man. Throw it out there. Lay out in bed at night and think about the biggest dream you can in you field and prepare yourself to do it. If you can see it, you can be it."

that is a quote from Quincy Jones (if you don't know who he is, look him up...very important person to music). i've been mulling over that one for a while... it's the quote of the month in my school planner, so i've had a while to sit one it. since the month's almost over i guess i should have something down by now...

"Dream a dream so big..." i don't think that i could live without my dreams. they give me hope. i know that they have to come from somewhere and for some reason, so i need to pay attention to them. i have weird dreams though, and the one that i'm chasing now, i've been chasing since middle school. i think that scares me more than anything else is that fact that i've been chasing for so long, what will it be like to catch it? i do sit up at night and dream/think of the biggest thing that i want to do, and i don't know if i'll ever get there, let alone be moving any closer to it. for being so focused in my consious as to what i've been chasing, i don't seem to be getting any headway. i know and believe that i'll get done what GOD wants me too, and also know that he give us the desires of our hearts, minds, spirit... so HE wouldn't do this to me in vain. but at the same time, what is in vain to me, may not be to Him. what He may place in my mind, i guess i may never achieve, but it will drive me to where He wants me to be. for me, either i'm blind or too needy, but i feel that i need some sort of reassurance that i'm headed the right direction. i know that my life was never meant to be easy, and i've come to terms with that somewhat, but i would like to have some way of knowing that this will come to something that i've had on me for years and years. i've gained and lost (definitely, at least in their closeness) many great friendships because of my choices to follow this dream... it takes a lot more time and i can't spread myself anymore thin than i already have been.. or can i and i'm just not trusting enough? i don't know at all.. never have. probably never to say i do... i guess i could work on that. more trust. more faith. though (as i've said before) i have faith that GOD will come through for me, and that He won't put me in a place that i'm not stong enough to get out of, buti never know when i'm being tested in my resiliance, or in my patience. try that one for size. until then---

sometimes you have to wonder: how much change can someone handle at one time? so many things in my livfe have changed dramatically over the past year that it's crazy. then these past couple months have exponentially changed more, and these past few weeks...

i'm really just getting to the point that i don't know how much i can handle. and like i said a couple of weeks ago when i was talking about God not going to bail me out this time, i'm still at that point. i believe still that He won't give me anything that i cannot handle, but when the problems of my life affect others' lives, that's when i can't take it anymore. i'm at the point right now that i don't know if i'm ever going to get the reimbersement check from Chapman for my loan that i just took out so that i could pay for "extrenuous(?) school costs." i should be doing literally 'all right', but i'm finding more and more things to be scared of like this and time is creeping up on me like a cold autumn wind. i'd like to think that my spiritual life is much better than it was even a couple of weeks ago, but i've not really gotten the teaching that i'm used to getting every week just about, nor am i haveing the fellowship with some loved ones that i feel to be a neseccity. it suck even more when i'm so busy, and i set a specific time aprat for that, and it just can happen. there's always so much to think about. my brain doesn't stop, and i get depressed when i think of the state of things... not for me, but for all of us. and the fact is, i know that there are others much worse off than i am. and that's where i'm stuck: how can i feel this way about myelf when there are so many others that don't even have it this good? until then---

yeah i know that this is unconvetional being that i live right up the street from the "Big A", but finally...! THe White Sox are in the World Series!! after gme two , it wasn't even a battle anymore. i think that the Angels rolled over on this one. All i can say is, root the Sox on if you got beat by them... (that means the lot of you, hehe, sweet..) oh and i guess you can send all your "i hate the Chi Sox" mail to me for now.. i just wanna read it, and be happy that there can be such mail after 88 years of not having the privilege. that's all. until then---

i know that it's been years since i've updated the look of this page, butfor some reason the old script wasn't working anymore, and you couldn't read anything. not so good. i had to change it, and i'm sad. the old layout was much more simple and i liked it that way. but some things have to change i guess...

so i was just randomly thinking about me and most of my friends and how most of us are lucky enough to have traveled a bit of the world and have even picked out places that we'd rather be outside of this country. i must say at this point that i don't think that it's a lack of love for our own country (at least entirely), but more out of our consiousness of what the U.S. looks like to the rest of the world and we don't want to be a part of that. i don't know... besides places in europe are so cultured in something based not in gain as much as they are in... culture, i guess. idunno. just a tidbit of my thought and not very organized or put together... but how is that any different than any of my other posts? until then---

well i'm sitting here and i've decided to come back to this page that i've not been to in far too lang. i think by now all the thousands of people that used to come to this site are finally gone and i can finally just write. (right, and not like i wanted it anyway). i've really nothing to say, like usualy. not even a good story. i'm felling kinda sick... screwy in the head from it, and it's not too fun. i'm consistently tired, and it may have to do with the late nights with my girlfriend but i fall asleep there... that's why it turns into such a late night. anyway, i hate being sick. i'm flat broke at the moment, and it's scary. i'm actually very frightened at the idea that God may not help me out with a miraculous appearance of money this time. i'm in a huge hole and i need to find a way out. my girlfriend is trying her hardest to help me out, but i'm stubborn and besides, she should have to do such a thing... or even want to to the extent that she is. i love her so much. she truly cares for me in a way that i can't comprehend. if only her parants care about what she thought about anything the way she cares form me. that's a fun topic. anyway, i think thati'm done for now. i hope to stop by more often. ciao. until then---

i need to write. it's been far too long and i really don't know what to say. i realized last night that i find myself doing entries in my head and never actually getting aroud to typing them out. my mind works a milea a second and never actually works anything out. a lot like my entries, it never says much. thinking to myself is becoming a bad thing. i betray everything that i believe in when i begane to have conversations in my head. there are many things that i'm proud of thinking through, but not many enough. i've come up with different ideas of what my faith is really about and i've been challenged to think that way. not bad. that should happen with your faith. it should make it stronger. if your faith isn't challenged, what is it you're believing in? this goes into many other discussions that i could have, but there's always two thing that i find myself thinking about when it comes to being challenged. i'll just leave it at: i believe i'm a good guy, and grew up that way, and i have musical talent that surpasses a majority of the population (i'm not being cocky, i know plenty of people with as much or more talent than i, but i'm talking world here... they've got other talents i can't touch). believing these two things has been challenged and often times i've not had faith in them. why should that happen if i believe them to be true? i've found recently that this world is all about what you know. but just knowing something is a cop-out and it fails in many ways. i believe that if something is true, you have to believe it's true, not know that it's true. belief comes before knowledge, that's why we test things. i recently heard a story from a friend about how when she first became Christian that she tested God. it's hard for me to identify coz that seems something that you shouldn't do and i grew up learning that somewhat. but i think that there is definitely good merit in that. there's a book i 've read most of (it's short), Prayer of Jabez, which is about petitioning God in prayer. i've never been one to ask people for things. i hate doing it and i think that it makes me faulty as a leader and has caused me stress in other areas. so asking God which above all that and already knows everything is sometimes very hard for me. i know that he has my best interest at heart when ever things happen to me that i don't understand so that keeps me even more distant at times. as i know that He's got control regardless of what i do. this God that doesn't need humanity, but wants to enjoy our lives with us. our simple minds that cannot grasp the concept of relationship. this spills over into our human relationships and doesn't allow for that perfection that He has for us. His example that He had die for us, made it seem simple, but i think the skeptics are right to think that we don't get the whole story in the Bible. though for them this discredits the Bible and what it's saying, i believe that it shows human inadequacy and God's ability to use us through that. the fact is He's made Himself known throughout the world. even in places that have never heard of Him have been able to see and acknowledge His work. the 'good book' helps us to believe with suffecient reason, as opposed to blind belief. but it doesn't give all the answers and it's ben twisted and turned around in so many ways. it must be remembered that though the whole book is truth, the truth is spoken only by God (i.e. those with red-letter New Testaments... it'll be the red-letter). and that's the one thing that i can know. until then---

i've definitely decided that i'll never know the way that things are 'supposed' to go with me. my life, especially as of late, has really thrown me a lot of curveballs and sliders.... maybe more so knuckleballs. for those of you that don't know what a knuckleball is, it's pretty dang evil. basically in any ballsport (namely baseball and soccer in my case) when the ball is thrown or kicked and i has no spin on it. none. in any direction. what this caused the ball to do is kinda float around in weird ways to it's destination. seriously, the thing wigs out. with that analogy, i have absolutely no clue what thing is going to come up next with the way my life is looking. i know that i have many decisions to make, and i have to make very smart choices with them but i have no clue what new perils any of those choices may bring. the idea that 'famine comes before the feast' or 'the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour' has really come to a possible reality for me. i'm begining to truly believe that love is quite arbitrary and will just as easily pass me by as sweep me off the street. my love for music has caused me so much pain emotionally through it's odd musing. and that lack of control over those emotions has caused me to want to be calloused to them. that doesn't make good music. in fact, that can't make music. music is fueled by emotion, and i believe i've got it running through my veins. i'm a wreck due to the music in me. it needs out, and it needs truly be unleashed. i've re-evaluated my decision as a student to change from my original music major to liberal studies. i've found that to be the demise of my sanity. a friend (that i was dating at the time) said to me, "us musicians are far too passionate." that is the utmost truth (and i'm thinking is the reason that i'm not to be dating a musician, but that little fact aside...) and i found that i couldn't quell the passion for music in the mediocre major that is liberal studies. i've become my own tyrant. alone in my dictatorship of self. my world is confuzzled and i'm lost in it. it takes me in, chews me up, and regergitates me over and over. i feel the same things but stronger, and i get into similar pickles but larger and more life changing. "nothing is new under the sun." life is repetitive. it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are. i'm lost... and a much as i enjoy getting lost, i like to know that there will be a destination. until then---