Between a memorium on 91x for the decade passed without Kurt Cobain and an entry on a friendly bloggers blog starting in about entropy, I'm really begining to feel the chaos. It has always been easy to see, but to have specifics pointed out is to have something more. I remember when I first heard the word entropy. It is in a song by noone else than Switchfoot off of their third album, Learning to Breathe, called Living is Simple. I don't remember what I thought of that song then, aside from the thought-provoking lyrics (that i don't know how much i thought about) and being thankful that i knew it for my chem class ("entropy, entropy falling apart") my senior year of high school, but looking back now it's quite the interesting song. I may have to quote it all:

Living is simple
It's gravity
Gravity isn't so hard
Living is simple
It's entropy
Entropy, falling apart
I'm falling apart again

Living is simple
And breathing is easy
It's easy to do
Living is simple
And losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

All will be made well
Will be made well
Will be made well
Will be well
Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the worst
Is this fiction or divine comedy?
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

Living is dying
Your mercy, Your mercy
Is how I believe
Living is dying
I can't understand it
I'm down on my knees
Confessing my needs again

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
The choices remain

I have a quote on my monitor from E. Stanley Jones: "If you don't surrender to Christ, you surrender to chaos." The song and this quote only go hand in hand coz they are comign from Christianity. I'm a firm believer that the only way to live in this chaos is with a firm hold on Christ.
Since i've been listening to Nirvana music and interviews all day (10.30 am- 10.00 pm minus 4 hours for work) on 91x, I've been hearing about the chaos that Kurt felt. It's saddening. They played the reading by Courtney Love of his suicide note, and in it he stated that he loved everyone so much that he couldn't handle it. I think that he found the chaos in everyone, the chaos in and around the system that humans have created could not be solved by a boy that "wasn't half bad at saving the world" (Scott Weiland, Stone Temple Pilots, Shangri La De Da, Too Cool Queenie). The world was not made to last forever... and neither were our bodies or minds. When we leave this existence, we'll see the "divine comedy." Those that were not stuck in the rat race, the entropy, the ways of the world; those that looked to enternity, fought to lose for anothers gain (and therefore their own), journeyed in Truth will find the order in it all. The big picture. Until then---

GOSH!... what freaking station can you freaking hear Coldplay, Bob Marley, Cure, AFI, Jack Johnson, Daft Punk, White Stripes, U2, Foo fighters, and Smashing Pumpkins back to back to back? Freaking 91X!!! Of course it's a San Diego station, it's just too good. Listen, I dare you to like another rock station... Until then---

For some reason this is a good lyric for today:

life is white
and i am black
Jesus and His lawyer are coming back

novacane for the soul
before i sputter out

-Novacane, Eels

Until then---

Dictionary.com defines dating as: To note or fix the time of, as of an event; to give the date of; as, to date the building of the pyramids. or edible fruit of the date palm with a single long woody seed or An engagement for a performance (hehe) or most importantlya meeting arranged in advance and/or an appointment. I can agree with these... I mean when most people think of dating, they think of something much more than "a meeting arranged in advance" when that's what it is. You date to find out more about a person right? Kinda like when you become friends with someone. I thought that I recognized that concept somewhere! I'm a firm believer that we need to bring back the term "going steady" or "my steady" rather than just boyfriend or girlfriend. Example! I have a few good friends that happen to be girls that, going by what we defined as dating, I am dating them all. I find it important to get to know someone that you hang out with... why else would you hang out with them. By asking someone on a date, you're just asking for some time you set aside for them to get to know them better. 'So, by this, you're saying that someone could be dating multitudes of people at one time?' Well... yeah I am. Not that I advocate it entirely, but usually when you dating someone in the courting sense (another term we should bring back), there shouldn't be more than that person in mind really. Maybe that's not right either. I think the issue comes in when people are following the "engagement for performance" definition. People that do a bit more than date... if you know what I mean... ahem... performance. (I'm sure you do, I'm just stupid like that). But that's where a different emotional attachment happens and you're no longer just dating. But that's another blog entirely. So this whole thing is to be a public announcement that I'm finally over wanting to go steady with my good friend/crush. We'll be great friends, as we already are. As it has been eloquently put: "why does it always have to be a 'just' before friends?" Never... friends are important and being friends with your steady and even before you're courting each other is even more imoprtant. As a Christ follower, I want to do as Christ did while he lived. One thing was living and loving with people regardless of who they were. His love was (and still is) deeper than anything that we can imagine or entirely feel. Yet, we are all His friends... good friends. Our relationships should try to model that. We can get to know everyone of our friends, acquaintances, and the like and not be looked upon like weirdos. Dating... such a dumb term. From now on, aside from the terms "steady" and "courting", I'm just going to say 'we're going out to become better friends.' Until then---

Woah!! & Wow!!
Females.... & Jesus' passion...
That's all for now...I'm tired. Until then---

I guess now would be an appropiate time to give my annual Valentines Day update/rant. Other than what I'm sure I've said before (V-day is stupid coz we spend all this money on one day while we should be spending this much time and effort for our 'special someone' everyday of the year instead of designating yet another day for the people at Hallmark to make bank yet again during the year...etc.), there's not much to rant about. I got asked to a date with an ex-girlfriend, who most may know as Faye. I don't mind this, and I find it cool that she asked me. I think that most girls are scared of me, and probably scared of asking a guy out anyway so this was indeed cool. Most of you that know me and Fayes' relationship know that we're pretty good friends so me saying that this is cool isn't like she's still trying to get back with me or something (though in the far corners of my brain, I know that I fear/feel that still...).
The part that kinda sucks for me is that I'm still interested in and trying to get to know the same girl from a while back and I was thinking of asking her out at least before V-day (screw going out on that day on my plans!) but I thought (and still think) that that would be pretty messed up to ditch out on Faye. I know that she knows about her, and she's cool with that part of it, but I know that she doesn't know that I really wanted to find my balls somewhere and finally ask her, being shut down or not. Oh well. there went another chance for that. It's all good though I guess. I know that I will rather enjoy my "date" with one of my best friends....though it'd be cool if it was the other one... ah, mid-February... always the same story...oh, I mean my life story. Until then---

So school has started back up and the madness has just begun. I need to have something prepared for Refuge tonight and i really don't have much if anything. I'm just thinking that we should have a party or something. I needed a week to re-orient myself and I didn't take the opportunity...though i may not have really had one. That's cool though. I'm so stoked that AC is back in town so that now we can play. schedule-wise it's not bad at all...should be quite a bit of practice time. I hope that we gel enough to get up and going pretty quick. Still in search for a guitarist/keyboardist (keys not as important) that can sing...preferably a female, but not being too picky am I? Anyway, I've got to figure out what's up for tonight. Until then---

Hey...uh... I've been busy? I dunno what to really say except that it's been a while. I've been doing serious upkeep on the Breakfast Epiphanies website and even put up a blog for the band to put random stuff on. I'll probably be putting up lyrics and poems and stuff. It's cool..though noone seems to have visited. We have a mailling list now, and a bio page with people on it! Amazing! I definitely say explore the site fully...even though there still is no photos page because (what?!) NO PHOTOS YET! Anyway, i have to get to work. Teaching some kids some basic music stuff. YAY! Until then---

Well... THAT was fun! I'm back in Sicily...coming back home in two days...to a champagne room. Nice. Until then---

Blitzkrieg Italy!!

Dep. Catania: 0655 31 Dec. Leaving on a jet plane...Arrivederci!

Arrive Roma: 0900 31 Dec. Happy New Year!! And it's in Rome...Do a dance...
Dep. Roma: 0600 2 Jan. 2004!!! yeah baby...

Arrive Pise: 0820 2 Jan. train, train, train...
Dep. Pise: 1209 2 Jan. see the tower, bounce on out

Arrive Firenze: 1332 2 Jan. Florence....Musica!
Dep. Firenze: 0645 3 Jan. more train action

Arrive Venezia: 1014 3 Jan. Water....everywhere...and then some.
Dep. Venezia:1251 3 Jan. might find I can't really swim all that well

Arrive Milano: 1555 Jan.3 "it's the New York or LA of Italy." and what's Rome...Nashville?
Dep. Milano: 1000 Jan.4 I'm going, going, back, back...

Arrive Firenze: 1245 Jan.4 ...to Florence, Florence
Dep. Firenze: 1830 Jan. 4 On the plane again...da da da da da da, On the plane again...

Arrive Catania 2005 Jan. 4 Avec ma famille...awww.

Yeah! Out on: Blitzkrieg, Tour de Italie! Until then---

I haven't done this in a while... I just lost a long blog, dang it. And I'm too tired to try it again! stupid internet! crap on a crapper! I'm tired! BED! Until then---

So I'm over here in Italy and the jet lag that was supposed to get to me, kinda isn't really getting to me. There is a 9 hour difference, for those of you that don't know, so I'm really writing this at about 12:20 am here. So me being tired just has to do with the fact that it's dark out here and I've been out most of the day...
Sicily is sweet, btw! It's an interesting island and I will try to keep you guys as updated as possible. I went to the city closest to here, Catania (look it up), and it looks like it'll be the place to be if there is a party...(ahem, as in I plan on being there or Athens or Rome for New Years...) The island is supposedly more like old Italy than the mainland and though I haven't been, I'm looking forward to checking as much of that out as possible. He he, I'm actually trying to save my mom from being stuck in the house, too. I've found that there really is stuff to do here (contrary to my sister: "It's boring here", "There's nothing to do here") Just in the city, I've seen soo much. I would love it here...for a while. Ha, really all I'm saying is that there's just as much to do here as there is in Orange. Ok, no... more than that. The fun part is the language. It's funny coz my Nana (mom's mom) is here for the second time and niether her nor my parents have caught on to the language as quickly as I have. Though, I admit, I probably wouldn't be able to carry a conversation...In fact, I know I couldn't, but it's fun trying to understand and learning as I go. Basically I'm pairing the two high school years of French that I had and the one semester of Greek that I've taken and applying it to what I pick up to figure out the meaning. Very fun, eh? Ha ha, well the place is beautiful and so are the people. I think that it's the wine or something but the majority of the people here are beautiful...and I'm definitely speaking of the ladies here. In the small area I've found...wow. Unfortunately, that language barrier and being around my parents the whole time...not so cool. I would like to try the language thing but...unless I am just with my brother, I will probably get no play. Or should I say chance for play. I'm still an idiot, so if the chance isn't there... shoot even is the chance is there... Just like the Italian one at home. Oh well. She's still on my mind too, and if she hasn't been I know that she would love it here...it reminds me of her so much. Sad coz we're nothing. Oh well again. I'll try to keep updated. Caio!! Until then---

I should probably face it: nothing is ever going to happen. Until then---

with you, adieu

what if i'm wrong
why can't that be right
why question my step
before i've lifted a foot
why look at me wrong
when i know that's not right
why i'll sing you a song
the evening is still young
for you i will cry
before there is any reason
and how are my steps full
when i find myself empty
in search for a Truth
finding i find it
not in me, or you
seeing a part in you
what truth i've found
i doubt again, again i doubt
you and me and how
does He know
will he tell
i give no chance
but for me to fall
from that i rely on
with no feet on the ground
to Rock where i hide
away from it all, and you
yet my place behind is dark
no Light and empty
so this is for you
in hope that i will be
more than me, oui, less of me
firm and true

Until then---

Cake rules! What have I been doing not gettinga solid daily dosage? Anyway, the excuse of being consumed with work for finals has been gone since friday, so I think that now is a good time to update. Proabably earlier but what ever. So what do I do now that I'm on break? Play guitar, play video games, and wish that all the people that lived in the dorms were still around. I got way used to being over at the dorms hanging out with the crew that now I'm way bored... ok mostly bored. It's noce to have time to play guitar though. Ah...so nice. I've even recorded some new stuff, acoustically and very simple of course, on my cpu. I've been working on a CD for a special someone... the last song was written for her... we'll see how that goes (I may get killed by an ex for that..). Anyway, not much from my side. I'll be back another time. Until then---

I think that I'm at a draught again. I can't really think anymore...too many things to do. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Right? When you're in college on semesters or quarters, this is a very hectic time. If your a parent, or have family at all, they want to see you. Friends want to see you. And then, almost regardless if you really celebrate the birth of Christ or not, there is the whole gift thing. The world gets to see consumerism in it's finest hour. Winter break/ time is not really known for the actual "reason for the season." And even those that are celebrating for that reason don't take the time to really sppreciate it. It's weird for me, coz since I know that there is no real way, based on scientific fact, that Christ was born in the Winter therefore not the day we celebrate it, and it's my birthday. As a Christian, I think that it's cool to celebrate Christ's birth but what's more important is that fact of why he was here. More importantly, if we are going to celebrate Christ's birth, our giving should return to God for sending Him in the first place. No worries of what to give but ourselves and what we are as ourselves to Him. The sharing of our own gifts that God has given each of us, we should have gone out and made twice over to give back to His body - all Christians. Simple enough, I think. I shall now go back to the world as it is, and pray that someday we'll realize just what He means. Until then---

I was not paying any attention in poetry class yesterday. Here's what i came up with:

Monday

Drone Drone
I sit unalone
I sit writing a poem
A way A way
It's early today
And nothing I say
Lend Lend
My ears to a friend
Don't write with this pen
Long Long
I think of this song
I string it along

Until then---

"Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the first of the month..." Good old Bone Thugs. I can't believe that it's freaking December...well I can only because I just had a fat turkey dinner. Anyway: 24 days till can get plastered legally! Ok so I'm not really looking forward to that too much. It'll be cool to pick up some good red wine though... mmmmm. What I meant to really say was: 24 days till I go to see my family in Italy! So stoked. I've still got stuff I've got to do before I can get my ticket but... awesome. This is actually funny too because as it is I haven't seen my family in two years, but since August, my sister won't talk to me until I go out there. She's such a weirdo; she doesn't talk much on the phone when we talk anyway. But she's one of my best friends, and it's good to hear her voice, so this is kind of a low blow. She's like that though. Funny.
Anyway, got to find some sort of a job so I can pay rent...I'm not sure about this month or next month at all, let alone after that...screwed. Actually: prayer. It will get taken care of if I trust God...and I really don't have any other choice. That's a good thing though to have God to rely on to do what's best for you. In other words, I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get the money just yet, but I'll get it somehow. (Don't be thinking nasty now!) Well I'm outty...need to go serching a bit. Until then---

There's a reason why I'm drawn to you. I just can't put my finger on it. I also can never say what I really want to. I'm worse than you females. Hinting without hinting yet waiting for a reply. I disgust myself. Those blue eyes... beautiful blue eyes that daunt me and stare at me when I do something stupid. Or when you do and have no clue. It's cute. And you're funny, and you don't know it. I'm not including the times that you're really not trying to be funny but are rather confused. You can seriously be funny. It's cool. So where this is we will never be again - it's ever changing. hopefully never farther than the day before. Just knowing you is fun. To know you better is to be... I don't know. I'll have to see. It's not me, it's you. Someday I'll open my mouth and you'll know it, too. Until then---

something for tonight

i've come to know
all that I
should be depraved
of all the things
i seem to find
of all the things
i want to need
i seem to bleed
though not as much as You
when i remember

i've come to know
some parts of me
i want to be
naked and free
to show me just me
and you just you
in something i can't see
won't ever see
cos there is no more
just less of me

depraved unworthy
allowed to be
just to be for You
and nothing greater
i feel i hate her
i feel i what who
i know i love you
for what i don't know
and that i can't show
not given time
to make me have again

Until then---