i know that noone wants to read this, see this, or hear this, but what ever... this is my blog and i do what i want. i don't give a damn about Rawanda or a freaking hotel there. not now. i don't think that that's wrong when you can't even make your rent, you can't pay for school at a JC after getting kicked out of a private university and therefore can't get back into the university, and if i'm not going to school (which is becoming a better option even with this) at leat half time, i will have to start paying back school loans. it's not all about money, but we live in a world where it is all about money. in the world not of it. we're stuck here for as long as God wants to keep us here (and i'm hoping not too much longer for myself... i'm quite over it at this point), and that means that we're confined by it's rules. i hate those rules. my soul yearns for home, and my body yearns for life here. my souls hates it here, and my body won't quit. when will it? i was driving back from a show that i helped out with putting on (i got used for my PA) and i seriously thought for a bit 'how cool would it be to drive this car at 100 over the interchange?' i mean really. floating for a bit then plummeting to the ground. i thought that it'd be like a rollercoaster 'til i hit the ground. i'm too big a wuss to do something like that. i didn't let Tyler Durden let me let go of the wheel. obviously... i'm typing this now. there's so many times in my life that i've thought of doing things like that... but i'll just say that it's been a long time. these thoughts coming back are a little freakiy, but a little warm. it's the battle inside me that i've got to fight. on side will lose, and i don't know which i want to win. until then--

i feel i'm antisocial. i can't seem to get it right, what ever it is. there's something wrong with me and i can't put my finger on it. is it my unfortunate problem; my heart and mind fighting each other? dueling pawns in a masquerade? i don't know what to look for. what to read. i don't recognize myself anymore. though i look the same, everything will change. my head, it spins, and i don't wanna leave the room. but i do. i want to see. maybe i can be somebody else. i'm alienated. i've done it myself. i think. therefore, i must be? or maybe it's you that must be because i think. blur is more like radiohead than i thought. so much for thinking.
so poor, i make no living. what do you see in me? i don't think you do. i dont' think you know what you see, what you want. who you are, who you want... to be? well i did... yesterday. not anymore. i've lost it all... i thought that was enough. that's what i remember. "only the losers win." that's what i thought a time ago. now i wish that were true. i haven't found that just yet to come to pass. what happened? my plan hasn't been Yours for how long now? i wouldn't know... i though it was doing pretty good. there i go... thinking. here i come... until then---

driving to and from this place is always going to be great. driving to get there, i see hills and hills of green grass. it's like driving the autostrade in Sicily, except here, you have to pay for it. when it's clear, as it has been, you can even see the ocean way off to the west/right. so great. but the really awesom thing is leaving at sunset hour. a thin cloud cover had rested upon the sky in the past few hours, but when going home, it created a radiant pink/orange/white expanse across the sky. in one section where you can see the ocean (now on the drivers side), it was so clear that i could see the beautiful Catalina streched across the horizon while on the right, light purple snow-capped mountains rise above the low lit still green hills. the sun underneath the clouds, and setting on the island created such a beautiful portrait. if i wasn't going about eighty and not in the fast lane i may have stopped. i wished for a passenger, not only to have a chance to photograph it, but to actually stop with you and enjoy the moment. i hope to catch a similar moment while i'm with you. not just in my mind, wishing you were there. until then---

so right now we are currently in the studio. as it stands, i'm actually the only one in the studio, hence me taking some time to update with the happenings. AC has officailly disappeared for a while... noone knows where he went. Kyle went back to the house to get some things for the drum kit, just to get rid of some ringing, and some tea for me (thank GOD). speaking of God, he's been pretty good to us so far, despite initial shocks. we'll just say that i've been praising him since 8.00 this morning. it's been good and tough all in the same sentence. due to the weather, many things have changed for the weekend, and many things have almost been postponed, etc. we almost didn't have Kyle here this morning due to rough sea conditions due to the 'storm' that we're having currently. we almost had no way to get anything done as far as recording coz we couldn't get anything working... kinda like freshman year, but we got a hold of Josh V. luckily and got some coveted equippment that got us out of a jam. AC seems to have made it back now, so now i'm not alone... haha. so in the same words, God has been good. unfortunatly, i seem to have caught some sort of throat bug, and it's not friendly. my speaking will be limited (and all of my friends and aquaintances just exahled a "thank God for that") in hopes that i will be able to sing up to par when it comes down to recording the vocal track. in prayer on that one for sure. so it's a good start... we're thinking of camping out in here for the next couple of nights... haha... maybe. it could be fun...it is very warm... anyway, when you start the day seeing your favorite lady friend, how can you go wrong? (i won't answer that...it's rhetorical and very specific to the situation). anyway, off to continue setting more stuff up. until then--

captain's log:: ...now.
today we embark on a new adventure. all of my preparation has come down to these next two weeks. we practice then we put it all out on record. what fun that will be. unknowing what to expect entirely, let the good times roll. may God bless our talent. documentation noted. until then---

happy new year! well i'm going to start by a definition of a word found in the NIV of Proverbs 21:24: overweening. as defined in Dictionary.com by the NY Times: getting a little uppity, and needed to be slapped down. ah...good times already. until then---

i heard my first real emergency brodcast system interruption on the radio yesterday. it was kinda cool, but kinda freaky, coz it seemed as though i was the only one that heard it. even if it was for the city you were in (and it doesn't specify for a while) wouldn't you just be a little wary of what's going on? maybe it was just on that station and noone else was listening. oh well, but that's a precursor to the weather that we've been having the past two days. this may be the one storm that we have all year. it's kinda freaky cool. i know that weather patterns are all screwed up coz a friend told me that there were tornado warnings for Catalina Island. what the deuce? the weather has been soooo east coast out here. it's been really really windy and the rain... is actually musch closer to looking like real rain! it has volume and everything! it's not mist! this should top it off though: so last night i went to bed to the sound of loud rain and wind. and woke up to the normal weekday sounds of someone working on a house (e.g. powersaw), and the sun! alright. the storm's gone, right? haha, nope. suddenly the wind picks up a bit and huge, fat rain drops begin falling. no more powersaw.
i'm excited about this weather for some odd reason. i guess it gives me a reason to stay inside instead of me just doing it in spite of the sunny weather. but i'd like to be up in the mountains now. i'd be diggin' the snowfall that is probably chillin' up there. oh well it's cool. i played board games over the internet with my good friend. that's fun. it' as good as it gets with them since they can't come and actually hang out (which really sux), but it was fun. good times. boardgames and rain. what a combo. for the record: it stopped raining again. until then---

plumbers are here working on the showers coz mine's been tripping out and the landlord decided to fix them both. i forgot how bad soldering smells. my head hurts now. the plumbers are comedy though. today i've had to remember not to store my treasures on earth where thieves steal. thieves being the bank. they jacked me for more than i'm worth an i'm pissed about it. i just went and paid it off since i'm already being charged $5 a day on top of the accrued charges. i hate money.
so preparing for Kindred Fall's big recording extravaganza is already crazy. i don't even know what i can do anymore. chapman u. (where we're recording... sound's like freshman year) is pretty much closed down for another week, so checking out the facilities is out of the question. people said that they were down with the practice dates and recording dates, but knowing them i feel as though i need to be with them the whole time reminding them. i know for sure that more than one of them will forget and then, all of a sudden, won't be able to make it. that's just the way it's been so far and i have no reason to doubt that it will happen again. i'm preparing all the songs and making sure they're playable and thinking about what i may want instrumentally and tempos and blah and blah. good stuff, but i'm pretty much done with what i can do by myself. (good ol' metronome.) and last night... well all yesterday all i did was work on the Breakfast Epiphanies and Kindred Fall sites and i'm thinking that things are finally coming together better on those...more so the KF site, but there's a lot more to the BE site than when i can do all at once. arrrrgh. i'm out. until then---

i just want you to know that God loves you more than anyone ever will... including them. i can't stand to see you like this... or hear you. which ever, i care for you too much to just sit back and listen. active listening is where it's at i tell you. please, don't let them get you down. you're beautiful and have got a lot going for you. patience. remember that God has you first and foremost. paul wrote to us "don't let them look down on you because you are young, but rather be an example." adn even though he said for us to "obey them, coz it is right," they are not to upset, aggravate, agitate, anger, annoy, bug, disturb, or embitter us but bring us up in the ways of the Lord. what i've learned is that it almost never lines up when we want it to and that the first part always out-weighs the second. but in that, we cannot be discouraged. remember the Truth and things will be fine. God is bigger than this and always has and always will be. as long as we learn from the moments like this rather than abhor and leave behind, we will grow strong. and there is much in that. until then---

i don't know if this has ever been a great time of the year. well maybe it once was... before i had a life, and before i came to college. it's just a weird thing. "i don't know what i'm doing for the hoidays people! and i don't really care." maybe that's not entirely true, but i'm starting to be a scrooge. i miss being able to hang out with all of my family on the holidays. and now that they're not here, none of my relatives get together. i'm kinda bitter about that actually. why is it that my family is the only reason that my relatives come together for holidays...? well and kwanzaa, but i'm not starting that rant now... at this point, the holidays has just become a time that lose time to hang out with people tat have really been making an impact on my every-day life. i miss them every year at this time. it was way cool for thanksgiving this year to go to Catalina and hang out with my friend Kyle's family for about a week. that was great. i was still missing key personnel but was so fun! idunno. at this point, all that i really want to do for the holidays is figure out Kindred Fall's bass and drummer situation, write music, lay down scratch tracks for the recording that we're doing in january, and try not to get bored. i need to get money for rent in january and i have no clue where that'll come from. got to register for classes but have no clue why it won't let me finish doing that! (ie. i started already!) anyway, c'est la vie, eh? until then---

so i've decided that i'm going to start going crazy if i don't start to write again. hello. i'm writing a bit again. here it is. it's been for too long since i've used this infernal wonderosity, and i'm still making up words and not making any sense. i don't know what i'm doing with myself these days. in my mind i believe that i'm going on the right track. i'm doing my best to be doing what makes me tick: music. but with what avail. yes, i know, "famine before feast" but it's been a long famine, and it has been a very hard one. i'm having fun, at times. but at risk of losing all of what's left of my sanity. maybe that's what i have to lose: my sanity. i'll get attention that way. people will listen if not for a bit. people are attracted to the odd, the different, as long as it doesn't interfere with their "OC." what does this make of me; a young man with a brain thinking of the things of philosophes of old, while still with the mentality of a 2-year old, trying to follow God and spread His love how He wants me to (i.e. most effectively), failing at not falling in love with girls that may (realistically) not be it for me. i don't know. my life is a mess. rent is due, and my jobs consist of putting up Christmas lights, and doing yard work. so much for making money as a musician. i spend much more time on music stuff, but with no change as far as i can see. my only fans are people that i swear are just being nice... my friends... all few of them. i love them to death, but i don't know about their honesty abotu it. they all know it's so important to me, and i think that they think that i'll be crushed if they just tell me the truth. that i'm already washed up, i'll never make it, and that my music never had potential, and to get a real f*ing job.

i'm just confused. i should have never left san diego, or maybe never left my parents and traveled with the fam. idunno. just pray, eh? hmm. until then---

17.9.01 :::

Hey internet world! This is new to me so don't worry; it'll get better. Right now this site has nothing inperticular that it is about but I will so have a plan! Maybe it'll be all about my crazy thoughts...I might confuse all of my readers though...maybe not. Well I have college things to do now so I might get back to this at a later time today or just tomorrow. Until then---

ah, my first blog... ever. in fact this was my first real experience with putting something of mine onto the internet. a whole three years. and what have i said? really... WHAT HAVE I SAID!? i've entertained myself and a few friends with my ideas of life and what i've been up to since i've been in college. girls, religion, politics... MUSIC. i'm sure i've hit them all. i still do. i can't believe that it's been that long since i've been in college, and that i still sometimes feel that i'm not going anywhere but in a circle. through even the many things that i've experienced, observed, or otherwise, i'm still lost.

i got this fortune from a fortune cookie at dinner and it tells me: "your present plans are going to succeed." what are they? i'm sitting here listening to J.E.W. and looking at the many other fortunes that i've placed onto my cpu monitor. the funny thing is about all nine of them is that i've not 'just kept the good ones,' i kept them if they weren't a repeat. I've found them all to be similar, and i am also firm believer that God can use anything to show you something... even fortune cookies. the most recent one that i've gotten before tonight reads: "in silence man can most readily preserve his integrity." tell me that's not good, and that it dosn't speak directly to me. anyway, i'm just saying i have no idea what my successes have been, where they will take me, nor if they will continue to seem eluded. i just know that "[i] will make a fortune with [my] friend." well, to three years. cheers. "it's been emotional." until then---

Blogger News
Happy Birthday Blogger
Five years ago today, Blogger was launched. W00t! To celebrate, we went out for lunch.

that (above) is for real. really. freaking sweet. and because i saw that, i started thinking about the age of this very site, and decided to take a look back to the first few entries...my gosh. good stuff: funny, sad, brilliant, etc. i've decided that once this blog becomes 3 years old, i will celebrate by adding in little bits of the first year. i almost thought to put 'season' instead of 'year.' anyway, i'm sure that'll be fun. until then---

life as i know it right now is pretty crazy. things aren't bad, things aren't great. maybe i'll stick with things being good. i'm trying to read through this book The Pursuit of Man by A.W. Tozer: great book so far. i think that anyone that considers themselves a Christian should read it. it's actually easier to follow, thus far, compared to the only other book of his that i've gazed my eyes upon, The Knowledge of the Holy, which was way, way intense. Tozer is defintely solid even for those of you that aren't Christian, hate religion, or whatever, but it's pretty thick. like Nietzche thick.

i start school next week, still have no drummer for Kindred Fall, am far too slowly getting artists for Breakfast Epiphanies, working quite a bit too early in the morning (but it's good money and not bad work), the fam is in town (good to see them), my roomie is moving out and i have to find a new one, tring to stay organized with Refuge, staying in touch with my lovely old friends, wanting to pursue one of them...maybe, girls still suck, rollerskating rules, breaking my writing drought, trying to feel more grounded in life and being more grounded in my faith... well, i guess life is still good. until then---

just so you know, and in case you didn't know, the link that i have up for THe NotebOOk is to a place where i'm putting up my music. basically it's my notebook of material that i write up. some of it will not be turned into song, but the ones that do, and other songs that i feel like recording, will be able to be downloaded on there as well. for those that asked for me to tell you when new stuff goes up...suck it up and check it! and please tell me what you think about them on the tag board. that'd be sweet. until then---

would i be out of line
if i said
i miss you?

-i miss you, incubus

until then---

these are my thoughts....though they are Billy Corgan's as well...

hummer

Faith lies in
The ways of sin
I chased the charmed
But I don't want them anymore

And in their eyes I was alive
A fool's disguise
Take me away from you

Shame my tongue
Fat with promise all along
But when I woke up from that sleep
I was happier than I'd ever been

When you decide
That your life is a prize
Renew and revive
It's alright honey
It's alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder
Will I feel OK?
It scares the disenchanted
Far away

Yeah I want something new
But what am I supposed to do about you
Yeah I love you, it's true

Life's a bummer
When you're a hummer
Life's a drag

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Do you feel
Love is real?

until then---

so i got home from work today and it's annoying coz the one thins that i don't want to do is think about you and i do. it's the same thing everyday...for a while now. but today's a bit different because of some of the things that i was saying/implying last night. basically though, i started to use time right when i got home to read and pray, but i can't focus... i need to do something about my thoughts. so here i am.
i wish that you were someone else. i wish that you were less truthful to me, just lie or tell me half-truths or something. i wish that you didn't trust me. i wish that you never cared. i wish that you were less cute, or not at all. i wish that you were just another girl, but you're not. and that's my problem. for if you were, you would have kicked me out of your life like you should have by now. i would be able to get over the need to heed to your parents wishes. i would be able to get over you like you have to me. i'm finding this situation to be a lesson in patience, or in discernment. i don't know which and that's the problem. if it's discernment alone, i must just leave you on your own right now...coz you're not alone, but i need to be. if it's patience alone, i should never complain about this anymore, and just hope for the future that you have no hope in and/or don't see. if it is both, i'm sorry for you, coz i know that i'll be the cranky, dumb, moody me that you've come to know for the past few months. the me i don't like and you don't deserve. i think that i'm done for the moment and i'll get back to what i need to be doing, but i needed to say something, and i guess that was it. until then---

so now i've come across many ideas in my lifetime...or shall i say philosophies(?)... and this one is definitely good. this being in the scheme of relationships and dreams, etc. i realized not much earlier today that this idea may haev been semi-spawned from a fortune cookie thing that i have on my monitor: "Don't allow yourself to dream away time - be productive." yeah i think that i stole it. but it's in a fortune cookie, so i'm sure that there are millions out there that have seen the same one, so it's for everyone to take. but the way that i see it, my "problems" with the girl thing, and with my music career have to be second to living my life. those will come with time if God really wants it for me. so basically it doesn't mean that i sit around waiting for God to hand thesee things over on a silver platter, nor do i pursue ad pursue different venues of both (coming up short of perfect everytime, of course) tiring myself and becoming frustrated with my future. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." (Matt. 6:34). i didn't originally want to put these back to back, but, as usual, GOD says it best. being that my life consists of truly living (life as a Christian... it should be on the edge of madness oft-times... faith, man..!), this should be something that i've been doing but i'm human and there is human error and i frequent that possibility. i really need to practice what i find out in my life journey more often. things may make more sense that way. Until then---

ok so i come back to blog and the template for posting has changed again. good times. i think i've been away too long. anyway, summer's here and i've not much to do but pine away the day. i need work but i don't want to do anything but play music. i've really got no other focus in life as far as work goes. it's music or nothing. i swear if it keep up like this, i don't think that i'll be doing much of anything. i feel as though i may be too unwilling to go it alone if i have to. i was thinking about it today: what if i did actually start recording my own stuff myself and begin marketing myself as an acoustic artist. forgetting that i suck as an acoustic guitarist and don't like it nearly as much as playing my electrics i think that it could be possible. i write most of the music for my own stuff anyway and produce the most of it. besides, as far as producing goes, i know lots of people that i trust to give me proper producing advice. anyway, i've recorded this sweet version of "You" by Switchfoot which will have a link RIGHT HERE when i upload it (right click and save as...). i did it in my room like all of my recordings...good times.
so my pining away consists of spending most of my time talking to my good friend, wishing that i could say girlfriend, and wishing that i could even see her at all; praying and reading my bible (less than i'd like to say i do i must admit), looking for my Truth, trying to find out if i'm headed the right direction, if she's in my direction... i'm feeling inspired... i think that i need to find my notebook. until then---