"The Screwtape Letters", a brilliant collection of letters compiled (and written) by Clive Staples Lewis, is quite a work. like "Mere Christianity," it deals with many of the same simplicities of Chritianity but in a fashion much more cynical of very specific courses of life. even more cynical is the piece "Screwtape Proposes a Toast" that was written later as a separate work (only a few pages long) from the 'letters' but uses the same cynical character to be the face of his own voice. i just finished reading these both and wish that i could prove to be as brilliantly poised in my cynicism as Lewis has proven to be. i don't know that everyone that has read his work has come to fully understand what he was saying, but i must say that however much of his criticisms of the world and religions of his day were true, i can definitely find him to be prophetic in much of his writing as i see that the majority of it has strong ties to the truths of todays society. i may give more specifics on a later date, but i'm just going to suggest a read of both of these works: i don't see how anyone would not feel a need to make a change after doing so. until then---

i'm scared of myself... or should i be proud? i'm turning business savvy, i think? SAVE THE ABBEY!! until then---

so i've been reading Clive Staples Lewis' "Mere Christianity" slowly through the summer and more rapidly recently. i started it on the plane to Japan didn't read it much while there or much right when i returned to the states but i've been free to read quite a bit while i'm at work care taking... or on call to care take. (i've got free time, hence the plethora of updates.) Anyway, i acquired the book from the then soon to be Mrs. Choate because she wasn't for the style in which the book was written. i didn't really think that i'd get the chance to read it as soon as i did, but i've been wanting to read it for quite some time. it was a part of a long list of other books that i have yet to read and constantly forget that i want to buy or check out so that i can read them...

anyway, although i am not quite finished, i definitely have enjoyed reading this book. it is interesting to find things that plenty of people around me have probably picked out from this text to apply in their own lives or to preach at others. there are plenty of things in here that i have taken from others to apply to my own life and to preach to others. the first thing like this that i can remember is early on in the book when Lewis is comparing a world where people's morals led them to admire those that ran away in battle or someone that sells out his closest friends to a world where 2+2=5. for those that are into radiohead (or maybe even not into them) you would recognize that from their 2005(?) release, Hail to the Thief. and being that Lewis is well renown in the world outside of Christianity, i believe that Thom Yorke may be referencing this passage and may have possibly read this book sometime in his past. who knows? but i began thinking a lot more about it and immediately hooked my attention more closely to what was being said.

C.S. Lewis just seems to have a way to explain things so simply as if it were common knowledge, but often very obviously states that it is not... even in the Christian world. something that i read today struck me when i paired it with what i was reading yesterday. Lewis spends time making effort to explain his view on the existence of God being outside of time; that God sees everything (all time) as the present. today i was reading more about the the role of Jesus and how He had always been just as God has always been. i began thinking of the people that get stuck on the "problem" of any God followers that died before Christ came into the world as a man and died for everyone to free them from salvation. also, in the same vein, if God knew already that humanity was going to fall and that we were going to need salvation from the death of His Son why didn't he remedy the situation from the start? well, if you think about the idea that God sees everything as the present, He did in fact solve the problem from the start. just another thing that we (generally) don't give God enough credit for. He knows all, but we manage to limit Him with our own limitations. yeah, let's make God restricted by his creation... right. until then---

my shirt today reads:

FACT:
Because the weather is very good today, it turns through the mountain path comfortably by cab
Music to be left to the ears is thought to be important even now

profound??? oh well. i love the shirt and that's why i bought it. until then---

oh and i finally can take a shower after almost a week of not being able to (my last shower was on friday... also LAST MONTH!). hurray, no more french baths! until then---

i was listening to recordings this morning of riffs and songs that Kindred Fall has been working on and i realized that i can't really stand the sound of my voice. it's weird for me to think about that now that i'm approaching a quarter-century of my life, but every time i heard my voice talking (not singing, mind you), i sort of cringed. what the heck? i've been hearing my voice recorded for almost as long as i've been alive, but now i find this out: my voice is annoying. i just wanted to apologize. until then---

ever been to "blah blah" land? it's way worse than "la la" land because at least there everything is cool and sometimes a new stimulant introduces itself to my existance. "blah blah" is where i find myself. this place is going through motions or at least feeling like every motion that you may think is innovatinve or going somewhere takes you ablsolutely nowhere. oddly enough, this is not a cry for help of sorts (i need attention! friends come save me from the bustling doldrums!). rather it's just a state that i find myself and i'm jsut puzzled as to how i've gotten here.

somehow i wandered in to "blah blah" unknowing of the oddities of its existance. i'm managing to get by doing most of the things that i'd like to be doing at this time. not many people can say that right after graduating... well, anything. i've got an interestingly good relationship with my girlfriend of three years (i don't have to explain myself, i love her beyond my own death). and i've got great frindships that are also very interesting, to say the least. so if i'm being entertained, or am at least interested in the life i've come to know as my own, why the hell do i feel like i'm in "blah blah"?

maybe there is no proper answer and this land is just a place that passes over periodically just to make me question everything in my life and maybe make a change that i don't really want, or on the flip side, that i really do want and have suppressed it. idunno, but it's weird. i'm having trouble writing (in general... i guess this is going ok...) because i can't really string thoughts together long enough before i realize that "i don't know anything about this! what is this about anyway?" and i drop the idea like a bad habit.

well i sure hope that this passes over. i don't like being in "blah blah" when reality is quite good. maybe i'm stretching too hard for something unattainable. i wouldn't know. i can't think of anything i want with life that's completely out of my reach. until then---

so this is love, i think as i'm sitting in my papsan, girlfriend laying curled up on me like a cat - so beautiful. it's 26 centigrade outside, but it feels about 30 in my room, and with her laying there it feels like about 34 - i'm sweating a bit. it's uncomfortable, but so soothing. she's just happy to lay there sleeping as i run many many thoughts though my mind like as to how i'm going to move my leg without waking her - my foot is asleep by now - but i also feel that sense of happiness. calm. it's something that i really haven't felt in a while in a relationship that has been tumultuous due to bigotry that you'd hope never to encounter. not in southern california. not with educated people. but it's there, still ever-present in a society in need of a transplant of priority. in a society in need of some unconditional attention. an "economy of mercy," as i've once heard it called, i think describes it well. this economic thought runs deep. no religion, no morals, no agenda. but it's common. we all feel it, even if we're loaded with cash or stuff that can turn into cash. problem is the ones that can actually see it are afraid of the ones they believe are the only that can do anything about it and the ones that only feel it can afford to numb the sensation. a lot like my foot... numb. but even that is uncomfortable. it's uncomfortable to see the world around me being taken over by a way that i don't see as my own and i don't think anyone should be forced into. if you want it, it can be there, but "not everyone is meant to go to college" - i heard that somewhere, too. not everyone is meant to be wallowing in debt, forced into work that their self would have knocked out for even thinking the notion. there is widespread belief that you cannot affect change. i say, you can't tell me what i can and cannot do, but that's another discussion. change is positive is you want it to be, negative if you want it to be. someone else's change for good may be a change for your bad. i see our commonalities to be beyond good and bad. this is beyond religion, morals, agendas. there's something about being uncomfortable for a few minutes while the woman who will love you forever takes a little nap. it's been a long day. we all need it once in a while. until then---

THOUGhts WHILE STarING At A WALL

checking to see if you have you fly undone is like checking to make sure that you have you name on a test. you just got to do it! totally random i know, but hey, it's true.

playing page boy again. it's inbetween rain and stall, luckily, since the pages that i'm delivering are exposed... and there are only three, stapled nicely together, but flapping noiselessly in the light brisk wind. i can tell that the wind will be bringing more rain, just don't know how soon.

mission accomplished, i leave 434 and immediately it begings to rain - that Southern California rain that the rest of the world laughs at - and i wish that i'd considered taking my umbrella when i'd left to deliver. at least some knit gloves. i don't even know if i have them with me, but i can assume so. i had no reason to remove them from my back pack. i never have reason to remove anything from my back pack. i'm looking forward to lower back massages and visits to the chiropractor; i saw it on my palm along with my 1.5 kids.

i see a Schwans delivery truck. doing a similar job as i, but he knows what he delivers brings smiles upon the faces receiving his goods. i am reminded of home, my sister and i chomping on the mini pizzas and washing them down with ice cream sandwiches. my diet hasn't changed. i can't afford for it to. well not yet.

even in the cold, i wanted to order some ice cream from the man, but not like he would stop: the light was green and i should have signaled about 30 steps ago. even then, i don't think he's the ice cream man. "STOP WARNING CHILDREN" donned the last one of those that i saw. hooray for sentence structure. who am i kidding? i don't even capitalize my sentences. ah convention... whatever that means.


until then---

so i know that this is a couple of days late but here's my V-day rant:

actually...

i'm not feeling the rant.

i didn't see anything to make me feel as though i need to rant about the commercialism of the holiday. i spend most of my time just reminding people of the saint that it is so named after. i didn't say much more than that, as i don't actually remember all that he did. i just remember him being a rather righteous fellow with a few good ideas that led to our cannonizing of him in a holiday. look him up. he's like St. Niklaus...

anyway, in short, i ended up actually doing something on V-day. my girlfriend (of almost 2.5 years now, wow) has never done anything for the holiday with a significant other. as much as i don't really like to endulge in the actions of overkilling a holiday and destrying it's meaning and purpose, she still wanted to do something. we just went to dinner, but it was a nice date. time to get away for a moment with the one that i love so dearly. to me it was just the 14th of february, a wednesday, and a night out. to my girlfriend it was a beautiful Valentine's Day spent with the person she loves. which is better? i've yet to know. happy belated V-day. until then---

i just deleted the first words of what may have been the beginning of this sentence at least 10 times... i don't know why but i really wanted the sentence to be good. i still think that it sucks, but it has achieved it's purpose. moving on...
i just finished watching "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" which may be one the most amazing stories that i've heard in a while or may ever hear. this guy is amazing and i'm reall upset with myself (though it may not be any fault of mine) that i had no clue who this guy was until i watched the film. i wouldn't have watched the film if it weren't for Kyle. (God i'm going to miss being right up the street from him...) if ou have the means, and are an artist of any sort, freaking check out this film. Kyle also suggested i watch "Touch the Sound" which i had done a while back, and that is amazing too. watching stuff like that makes me feel like i've done nothing with my pasion that they've taken to a level of masterpiece and are uninhibited by anythign that surrounds them. sounds like playing the line of insanity, but is it? what's crazy is to think that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result. but in art, can't that happen? just watch the films... if you know me, i'll hold on to them for a while longer (i've already had them both for 2 1/2 months). until then---

hopefully this isn't just another feeble attempt to get back into writing. i've missed it and have basically just pushed my extra-curricular writing to the side for the sake of keeping up with my school-work. it's a lame excuse.
so what happened first was that my band did happen to make it to the second round of the battle in which we were soundly beaten, but not without a fight. we put on a damn good show and, for the most part, played very well. a talent scout saw us and requested that we contact him. that's in the works right now. other than that, we're in the search for a drummer again, which really slows down the momentum that we were building up. we're getting calls left and right for us to play shows, but we can't do them without a drummer... they're just not condusive.
so i'm on to my last semester and that's really exciting. we'll see what happens next. this past semester has allowed for me to read more shakespeare then i thought that i could handle.. comedies and histories. geez, that guy was talented. there's a lot that i can glean from the writing that Bill has done and i'm finishing the set of folios next semester (romances and tragedies... quite depressing, really). it'l be good in the end to be able to have more time to work on what really matters to me: my music. hopefully i'll be in a place where that works out. nearing the end of another year, looking to the future. until then---

if kindred fall doesn't advance in the battle of the bands we're going to be done for a long while. i plan not to even pick up my guitar for thirty days after our elimination so that i may indulge myself in other things; spending more time writing, reading, etc. i don't know when things will resume, but i assume that they will at some point... way down the line. until then---

i just finished reading Deep River by Susaku Endo. Nicole let me borrow this book before she left for italy and pretty much right after i'd returned from japan. i left japan with a feeling that i can't really explain in words. the country is, in a sense, an identity search for itself. and it's not like most of us are not in that same search individually but for a country that has, as an entire nation, endured the true problems of following a single-minded madman (WWII; germans are very similar to this description, so i have heard), they are all in some sort of a search. the older generation looking upon the younger with much harsher distain than "oh, when i was your age...", or, "back in my day...", and the younger all wanting to find their unique selves similar to how their western counterparts are able to do freely creates an order or tradition mixed with our western capitalistic bs that we cling on to in the west and force down others' throats at every opportunity. religion seems to scare most of them... even buddhism (which i'm sure that most in the US would tend to think they all are buddhist) is more of a tradition there than any other i've seen practiced in a country known for it (yup, even the two-service-a-year/TBN Christians are practicing less tradition... or maybe there are just less, and less...). the book hits a lot of these type of things and i recommend reading it. it's a good book to just dwell on a bit and raises a lot of questions about the Christian faith (posed also as 'european Christianity') and a few other ideas about life purpose... it even leaves with a cliffhanger! (which, i must admit, i don't know if i liked, coz i'm not sure how much it added to the story. you decide.) i finished it only thinking of Switchfoot's "Happy is a Yuppie Word." a great song, but there are times when i haven't really been feeling or have forgotten it's power and wasn't thinking of the larger picture that it was created from. Jon Foreman took the piece from Solomons' Ecclesiastes and i think that Solomon was indeed wise and that his words are spoken well through Jon's interpretation. i'll leave you with it:

Everyone dies
Everyone loves a fight
Nothing is sound
Nothing is right side right
Evening comes, when the sun goes down in red
Nothing is cool
When will all the fighting end

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out (cash out)

Everything fails
Everything runs it's course
A time and a place, for all of this loving war
Everyone buys, everyone's gotta price, and nothing is new
When will all the failures rise, rise!

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out

Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word

Looking for an orphanage
I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down
I don't believe the emptiness
I'm looking for the kingdom coming down
Everything is meaningless
I want more than simple cash can buy
Happy is a yuppie word
Happy is a yuppie,

Nothing is sound

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
Happy is a yuppie word

So calm down, yeah!

until then...

today we are taking a break from intense travelling around and planning the rest of our days here in the land of the rising sun.. though i think that i've seen it only about twice all trip. it's typhoon season so i think that the cloud cover is over the whole country but it only chooses to rain in some parts of it. anyway, our plans to see a majority of a country that is roughly the size of california (but smaller) have been slighty put off by a family friend, Taro, who is awesome btw. he informed both me and nichole that to see all that we were thinking of seeing, like one of the largest feudal castles in Japan, is like taking a trip from cali to see the statue of liberty. my mind is thinking "no way... that's sooo much further away," but i then realized that when we went to Tokyo, there were Japanese tourists there... the same way we get them in th states. (actually kind of funny.) so our plan is to see all that is in the area. for instance, we plan to climb mt. fuji. very imprortant. it'll be awesome. anyway, the days have been good, and we've learned a lot about the love that the Japanese have for americans and why that exists and many other things. oh, and i heard a really good Japanese band on the radio at the mall last night. i didn't get the name, but it was the best imitation of anything that we have in the states that i've heard. not my usual style of rock i'd say, but i'd listen to it because it's Japanese. interesting outlook on things right now i think. things are good. Nichole just mentioned the Pokemon center... i think we're set on our plans for the day... until then---

so, i'm in Japan. that's pretty cool. i probably just finished having one of the most stressfull days ever... moving sucks. Also, pulling an all-nighter just before changing timezones to the other side of the world = not a good thing. but it shall be good anyway. until then---

i know i joke and say "gosh! i hate my life!" i think now a large part of me really does. or maybe i've just been lying to myself all along. i was listening to Sheryl Crow (look, i'm a fan... deal) and her song "If it Makes You Happy" came on. here's the lyrics:

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

sure, i don't get stoned, but i know that i would if i didn't mind the idea of putting smoke in my lungs, and dammit, i'd get freaking wasted every night if my girlfriend's voice wasn't always in the back of my mind. i'm thankful for that, because nothing else is really stopping me from doing those sort of things. i've in a sense given up, and i don't think that anyone cares. that's fine, it's not your job. it was inevitable anyway. i'm not as cool as anyone ever thought... i knew it all along. people may call me humble, but reality is that i just tell the truth. when people tell me "you're good at" this or that, or "you're a great friend" i definitely never agree. if i have, i must have been very ill that day. i don't see it. i'm very focused on my goals, and i'm finding them quite stale at the moment... and to be honest, i don't have much backing me up. it sounds like i'm complaining to me... that sucks. i'm sure some out there would tell me "oh no, you're not complaining, it's good to get these things off your chest..." well why the fuck don't you care to ask me? i'm really good at hiding under my smile... my teeth look too good not to try and show them off every once in a while, but wtf? i'm not really happy. i feel trapped by everything. i've got no real friendships anymore. all of those who were once friends are now acquaintances if not lower down the totem pole. and yes, i'm freaking busy, but so are all of you, so don't get pissed off at me that "we don't hang out." and by the way, i don't always have to make the phone call. basically i'm at a very stale point in my life right now. nothing is really all that exciting. but everyone else still is very excited about nothing. that's right. nothing. or you are all faking it too. why the hell am i so sad? until then---

i "only call people when i need something from them." apparently, i don't have for my friends. i'm glad they think of me in such ways, and then do the same for me, or don't call at all. until then---

THOuGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

sokay...brilliant one. i was wondering why we have all of these winter songe...."winter wonderland", "frosty the snow man", "chestnut roasting on an open fire"... and for the most part, they are only sung during Christmas time! do they not have any meaning other than Christmas? in reality, winter doesn't even start til literally right before Christmas! so what the heck? same with actual "Christ-being born" songs. there are few that i know that will sing those songs "out of season." yeah like there's a time when Christ's birth is out of season. anyway... riddle me that! unitl then---

THOUGHTS WHILE StARING AT A WALL

what is it about our human particularalities (what a word...! that one's good, even if it's not real) that makes us not want to take the first stall in the bathroom? finish off the peanut butter? stuff like that. i mean, someone's got to do it, right? why don't most of us want to be that person. the last cheese danish is there at a party... if noone eats it it will got to waste. just take it! i guess it's similar to the mentality that ends up with people killed coz noone would help. idunno, where does this idea/mentality/particularality come from? until then---

so i just got to thinking: Thanksgiving is probably the only truly American holiday that means more than just a rememberance day, or honoring. though, come to think of it, i can imagine some people thinking of it in that way. they'd celebrate the holiday, only because they have always celebrated the holiday. it's rote, and if the office was open, they'd be there...especially so they didn't have to see uncle joe. then celebrating it would include (not that this is bad...but i'm saying including the mentality) an outing to norms (or maybe better... it's the first place that came to mind... it's right up the street!), a quick happy thanksgiving to the family, eat and then go back home. yay, we just went out to celebrate thanksgiving! all i'm getting to is that this is one holiday that i think cannot be lost in the shuffle as a reason to just have a day off, or be over commercialized. there's something in the nature of the hoiday that should cause it to really stand for something more. and if people are willing to open up and be real about it, even those that don't have much can see many reasons to be thankful. and that means reasons to come together as a nation to celebrate that. until then---

THOUGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

(i came up with a segment called "thoughts while staring at a wall." i figure that it'd be a good way to post more often and to not have to be profound. the idea came to me while in a bathroom... staring at a wall... you can figure the rest, but 'we all do do it,' i thought to myself, 'and i'm sure we have random thought while we do.' so these may come from shower-time, potty-time, or whatever. here goes nothing...)

water is quite facinating. think about it: we as humans are at least 66% water and yet, as we touch it, it does not conform to our being. or even as it touches anything else for that matter. and the way in which it evaporates or even the fact that it does... i'm in awe of the h2o. until then---

"Dream a dream so big that if you just get half of it, you'll still do okay. But don't hesistate. Dream big, man. Throw it out there. Lay out in bed at night and think about the biggest dream you can in you field and prepare yourself to do it. If you can see it, you can be it."

that is a quote from Quincy Jones (if you don't know who he is, look him up...very important person to music). i've been mulling over that one for a while... it's the quote of the month in my school planner, so i've had a while to sit one it. since the month's almost over i guess i should have something down by now...

"Dream a dream so big..." i don't think that i could live without my dreams. they give me hope. i know that they have to come from somewhere and for some reason, so i need to pay attention to them. i have weird dreams though, and the one that i'm chasing now, i've been chasing since middle school. i think that scares me more than anything else is that fact that i've been chasing for so long, what will it be like to catch it? i do sit up at night and dream/think of the biggest thing that i want to do, and i don't know if i'll ever get there, let alone be moving any closer to it. for being so focused in my consious as to what i've been chasing, i don't seem to be getting any headway. i know and believe that i'll get done what GOD wants me too, and also know that he give us the desires of our hearts, minds, spirit... so HE wouldn't do this to me in vain. but at the same time, what is in vain to me, may not be to Him. what He may place in my mind, i guess i may never achieve, but it will drive me to where He wants me to be. for me, either i'm blind or too needy, but i feel that i need some sort of reassurance that i'm headed the right direction. i know that my life was never meant to be easy, and i've come to terms with that somewhat, but i would like to have some way of knowing that this will come to something that i've had on me for years and years. i've gained and lost (definitely, at least in their closeness) many great friendships because of my choices to follow this dream... it takes a lot more time and i can't spread myself anymore thin than i already have been.. or can i and i'm just not trusting enough? i don't know at all.. never have. probably never to say i do... i guess i could work on that. more trust. more faith. though (as i've said before) i have faith that GOD will come through for me, and that He won't put me in a place that i'm not stong enough to get out of, buti never know when i'm being tested in my resiliance, or in my patience. try that one for size. until then---

sometimes you have to wonder: how much change can someone handle at one time? so many things in my livfe have changed dramatically over the past year that it's crazy. then these past couple months have exponentially changed more, and these past few weeks...

i'm really just getting to the point that i don't know how much i can handle. and like i said a couple of weeks ago when i was talking about God not going to bail me out this time, i'm still at that point. i believe still that He won't give me anything that i cannot handle, but when the problems of my life affect others' lives, that's when i can't take it anymore. i'm at the point right now that i don't know if i'm ever going to get the reimbersement check from Chapman for my loan that i just took out so that i could pay for "extrenuous(?) school costs." i should be doing literally 'all right', but i'm finding more and more things to be scared of like this and time is creeping up on me like a cold autumn wind. i'd like to think that my spiritual life is much better than it was even a couple of weeks ago, but i've not really gotten the teaching that i'm used to getting every week just about, nor am i haveing the fellowship with some loved ones that i feel to be a neseccity. it suck even more when i'm so busy, and i set a specific time aprat for that, and it just can happen. there's always so much to think about. my brain doesn't stop, and i get depressed when i think of the state of things... not for me, but for all of us. and the fact is, i know that there are others much worse off than i am. and that's where i'm stuck: how can i feel this way about myelf when there are so many others that don't even have it this good? until then---

yeah i know that this is unconvetional being that i live right up the street from the "Big A", but finally...! THe White Sox are in the World Series!! after gme two , it wasn't even a battle anymore. i think that the Angels rolled over on this one. All i can say is, root the Sox on if you got beat by them... (that means the lot of you, hehe, sweet..) oh and i guess you can send all your "i hate the Chi Sox" mail to me for now.. i just wanna read it, and be happy that there can be such mail after 88 years of not having the privilege. that's all. until then---

i know that it's been years since i've updated the look of this page, butfor some reason the old script wasn't working anymore, and you couldn't read anything. not so good. i had to change it, and i'm sad. the old layout was much more simple and i liked it that way. but some things have to change i guess...

so i was just randomly thinking about me and most of my friends and how most of us are lucky enough to have traveled a bit of the world and have even picked out places that we'd rather be outside of this country. i must say at this point that i don't think that it's a lack of love for our own country (at least entirely), but more out of our consiousness of what the U.S. looks like to the rest of the world and we don't want to be a part of that. i don't know... besides places in europe are so cultured in something based not in gain as much as they are in... culture, i guess. idunno. just a tidbit of my thought and not very organized or put together... but how is that any different than any of my other posts? until then---

well i'm sitting here and i've decided to come back to this page that i've not been to in far too lang. i think by now all the thousands of people that used to come to this site are finally gone and i can finally just write. (right, and not like i wanted it anyway). i've really nothing to say, like usualy. not even a good story. i'm felling kinda sick... screwy in the head from it, and it's not too fun. i'm consistently tired, and it may have to do with the late nights with my girlfriend but i fall asleep there... that's why it turns into such a late night. anyway, i hate being sick. i'm flat broke at the moment, and it's scary. i'm actually very frightened at the idea that God may not help me out with a miraculous appearance of money this time. i'm in a huge hole and i need to find a way out. my girlfriend is trying her hardest to help me out, but i'm stubborn and besides, she should have to do such a thing... or even want to to the extent that she is. i love her so much. she truly cares for me in a way that i can't comprehend. if only her parants care about what she thought about anything the way she cares form me. that's a fun topic. anyway, i think thati'm done for now. i hope to stop by more often. ciao. until then---

i need to write. it's been far too long and i really don't know what to say. i realized last night that i find myself doing entries in my head and never actually getting aroud to typing them out. my mind works a milea a second and never actually works anything out. a lot like my entries, it never says much. thinking to myself is becoming a bad thing. i betray everything that i believe in when i begane to have conversations in my head. there are many things that i'm proud of thinking through, but not many enough. i've come up with different ideas of what my faith is really about and i've been challenged to think that way. not bad. that should happen with your faith. it should make it stronger. if your faith isn't challenged, what is it you're believing in? this goes into many other discussions that i could have, but there's always two thing that i find myself thinking about when it comes to being challenged. i'll just leave it at: i believe i'm a good guy, and grew up that way, and i have musical talent that surpasses a majority of the population (i'm not being cocky, i know plenty of people with as much or more talent than i, but i'm talking world here... they've got other talents i can't touch). believing these two things has been challenged and often times i've not had faith in them. why should that happen if i believe them to be true? i've found recently that this world is all about what you know. but just knowing something is a cop-out and it fails in many ways. i believe that if something is true, you have to believe it's true, not know that it's true. belief comes before knowledge, that's why we test things. i recently heard a story from a friend about how when she first became Christian that she tested God. it's hard for me to identify coz that seems something that you shouldn't do and i grew up learning that somewhat. but i think that there is definitely good merit in that. there's a book i 've read most of (it's short), Prayer of Jabez, which is about petitioning God in prayer. i've never been one to ask people for things. i hate doing it and i think that it makes me faulty as a leader and has caused me stress in other areas. so asking God which above all that and already knows everything is sometimes very hard for me. i know that he has my best interest at heart when ever things happen to me that i don't understand so that keeps me even more distant at times. as i know that He's got control regardless of what i do. this God that doesn't need humanity, but wants to enjoy our lives with us. our simple minds that cannot grasp the concept of relationship. this spills over into our human relationships and doesn't allow for that perfection that He has for us. His example that He had die for us, made it seem simple, but i think the skeptics are right to think that we don't get the whole story in the Bible. though for them this discredits the Bible and what it's saying, i believe that it shows human inadequacy and God's ability to use us through that. the fact is He's made Himself known throughout the world. even in places that have never heard of Him have been able to see and acknowledge His work. the 'good book' helps us to believe with suffecient reason, as opposed to blind belief. but it doesn't give all the answers and it's ben twisted and turned around in so many ways. it must be remembered that though the whole book is truth, the truth is spoken only by God (i.e. those with red-letter New Testaments... it'll be the red-letter). and that's the one thing that i can know. until then---

i've definitely decided that i'll never know the way that things are 'supposed' to go with me. my life, especially as of late, has really thrown me a lot of curveballs and sliders.... maybe more so knuckleballs. for those of you that don't know what a knuckleball is, it's pretty dang evil. basically in any ballsport (namely baseball and soccer in my case) when the ball is thrown or kicked and i has no spin on it. none. in any direction. what this caused the ball to do is kinda float around in weird ways to it's destination. seriously, the thing wigs out. with that analogy, i have absolutely no clue what thing is going to come up next with the way my life is looking. i know that i have many decisions to make, and i have to make very smart choices with them but i have no clue what new perils any of those choices may bring. the idea that 'famine comes before the feast' or 'the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour' has really come to a possible reality for me. i'm begining to truly believe that love is quite arbitrary and will just as easily pass me by as sweep me off the street. my love for music has caused me so much pain emotionally through it's odd musing. and that lack of control over those emotions has caused me to want to be calloused to them. that doesn't make good music. in fact, that can't make music. music is fueled by emotion, and i believe i've got it running through my veins. i'm a wreck due to the music in me. it needs out, and it needs truly be unleashed. i've re-evaluated my decision as a student to change from my original music major to liberal studies. i've found that to be the demise of my sanity. a friend (that i was dating at the time) said to me, "us musicians are far too passionate." that is the utmost truth (and i'm thinking is the reason that i'm not to be dating a musician, but that little fact aside...) and i found that i couldn't quell the passion for music in the mediocre major that is liberal studies. i've become my own tyrant. alone in my dictatorship of self. my world is confuzzled and i'm lost in it. it takes me in, chews me up, and regergitates me over and over. i feel the same things but stronger, and i get into similar pickles but larger and more life changing. "nothing is new under the sun." life is repetitive. it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are. i'm lost... and a much as i enjoy getting lost, i like to know that there will be a destination. until then---

i miss the sun. and i'm tired of rain. really tired. kinda fed up. i couldn't live in a climate that is normally like this for this long. the last time i remember this much rain in socal was the "el nino (i like "negro," hehe)" year. and again, i'm not in the mountains. i think i could do snow, but rain... you can't do as much in. snow is much more fun. that's all. until then---

ahem! *tapping an imaginary microphone while gesturing for everyones attention* AHEM! *he stands on a soap box ready to begin...*

yes. it's that time of year again. that time, when i always have something to say. something right. something wrong. something to think about. if i'm not mistaken, this is the fourth anniversary of this 14th day of February posts that i've been able to enlighten myself with. oh yes, and all of you...
i feel as though i'm late on this, but it's been a busy day. like all of the corporate whores, this year i did a little exploiting of a holiday that used to mean something: i was a delivery boy this morning. i delivered flowers to many a non-expecting person today just to make money. and though there was a slight enjoyment of seeing happy faces, i returned the favor only in hopes of a tip. sad? yeah, a bit, but when your as poor as i am, there's no time for that sort of expensive enjoyment.
so, unlike last year, i was not even planning on doing anything for this special day though everyone around me seems to have caught some sort of fever. it's interesting to watch. and though i'm sad that, i have no one to share the "corporate whores day #1 of the year" with if i wanted to, it's been a pretty good day. as a friend of mine mentioned to me, "it's 'reminder of being single day'" (or something like that... it was about 10 hours ago). no big deal. i've really been too consumed with issues that are haunting me and taunting me to the point of insanity. i'm not myself. according to my recent aim away messages, i've become many different parts of jack. very melancholy and you can see my last post. enough said. it's been rough. the last thing that i need is the trouble that i put myself through just trying to make it. so far, today is marking something of a change in how i am approaching everything. i had goals and i feel that i've been trying to settle for something short of what i could do with them. my new goal is to stay the course, no matter how tough, how many times my heart has to break, my spirit stomped on, or my very being crushed. i'm holding on to what i believe... not what i know. since i'm finding that what i know is useless to me anyhow. it just gets me into trouble. thank you and good night. until then---

i know that noone wants to read this, see this, or hear this, but what ever... this is my blog and i do what i want. i don't give a damn about Rawanda or a freaking hotel there. not now. i don't think that that's wrong when you can't even make your rent, you can't pay for school at a JC after getting kicked out of a private university and therefore can't get back into the university, and if i'm not going to school (which is becoming a better option even with this) at leat half time, i will have to start paying back school loans. it's not all about money, but we live in a world where it is all about money. in the world not of it. we're stuck here for as long as God wants to keep us here (and i'm hoping not too much longer for myself... i'm quite over it at this point), and that means that we're confined by it's rules. i hate those rules. my soul yearns for home, and my body yearns for life here. my souls hates it here, and my body won't quit. when will it? i was driving back from a show that i helped out with putting on (i got used for my PA) and i seriously thought for a bit 'how cool would it be to drive this car at 100 over the interchange?' i mean really. floating for a bit then plummeting to the ground. i thought that it'd be like a rollercoaster 'til i hit the ground. i'm too big a wuss to do something like that. i didn't let Tyler Durden let me let go of the wheel. obviously... i'm typing this now. there's so many times in my life that i've thought of doing things like that... but i'll just say that it's been a long time. these thoughts coming back are a little freakiy, but a little warm. it's the battle inside me that i've got to fight. on side will lose, and i don't know which i want to win. until then--

i feel i'm antisocial. i can't seem to get it right, what ever it is. there's something wrong with me and i can't put my finger on it. is it my unfortunate problem; my heart and mind fighting each other? dueling pawns in a masquerade? i don't know what to look for. what to read. i don't recognize myself anymore. though i look the same, everything will change. my head, it spins, and i don't wanna leave the room. but i do. i want to see. maybe i can be somebody else. i'm alienated. i've done it myself. i think. therefore, i must be? or maybe it's you that must be because i think. blur is more like radiohead than i thought. so much for thinking.
so poor, i make no living. what do you see in me? i don't think you do. i dont' think you know what you see, what you want. who you are, who you want... to be? well i did... yesterday. not anymore. i've lost it all... i thought that was enough. that's what i remember. "only the losers win." that's what i thought a time ago. now i wish that were true. i haven't found that just yet to come to pass. what happened? my plan hasn't been Yours for how long now? i wouldn't know... i though it was doing pretty good. there i go... thinking. here i come... until then---

driving to and from this place is always going to be great. driving to get there, i see hills and hills of green grass. it's like driving the autostrade in Sicily, except here, you have to pay for it. when it's clear, as it has been, you can even see the ocean way off to the west/right. so great. but the really awesom thing is leaving at sunset hour. a thin cloud cover had rested upon the sky in the past few hours, but when going home, it created a radiant pink/orange/white expanse across the sky. in one section where you can see the ocean (now on the drivers side), it was so clear that i could see the beautiful Catalina streched across the horizon while on the right, light purple snow-capped mountains rise above the low lit still green hills. the sun underneath the clouds, and setting on the island created such a beautiful portrait. if i wasn't going about eighty and not in the fast lane i may have stopped. i wished for a passenger, not only to have a chance to photograph it, but to actually stop with you and enjoy the moment. i hope to catch a similar moment while i'm with you. not just in my mind, wishing you were there. until then---

so right now we are currently in the studio. as it stands, i'm actually the only one in the studio, hence me taking some time to update with the happenings. AC has officailly disappeared for a while... noone knows where he went. Kyle went back to the house to get some things for the drum kit, just to get rid of some ringing, and some tea for me (thank GOD). speaking of God, he's been pretty good to us so far, despite initial shocks. we'll just say that i've been praising him since 8.00 this morning. it's been good and tough all in the same sentence. due to the weather, many things have changed for the weekend, and many things have almost been postponed, etc. we almost didn't have Kyle here this morning due to rough sea conditions due to the 'storm' that we're having currently. we almost had no way to get anything done as far as recording coz we couldn't get anything working... kinda like freshman year, but we got a hold of Josh V. luckily and got some coveted equippment that got us out of a jam. AC seems to have made it back now, so now i'm not alone... haha. so in the same words, God has been good. unfortunatly, i seem to have caught some sort of throat bug, and it's not friendly. my speaking will be limited (and all of my friends and aquaintances just exahled a "thank God for that") in hopes that i will be able to sing up to par when it comes down to recording the vocal track. in prayer on that one for sure. so it's a good start... we're thinking of camping out in here for the next couple of nights... haha... maybe. it could be fun...it is very warm... anyway, when you start the day seeing your favorite lady friend, how can you go wrong? (i won't answer that...it's rhetorical and very specific to the situation). anyway, off to continue setting more stuff up. until then--

captain's log:: ...now.
today we embark on a new adventure. all of my preparation has come down to these next two weeks. we practice then we put it all out on record. what fun that will be. unknowing what to expect entirely, let the good times roll. may God bless our talent. documentation noted. until then---

happy new year! well i'm going to start by a definition of a word found in the NIV of Proverbs 21:24: overweening. as defined in Dictionary.com by the NY Times: getting a little uppity, and needed to be slapped down. ah...good times already. until then---

i heard my first real emergency brodcast system interruption on the radio yesterday. it was kinda cool, but kinda freaky, coz it seemed as though i was the only one that heard it. even if it was for the city you were in (and it doesn't specify for a while) wouldn't you just be a little wary of what's going on? maybe it was just on that station and noone else was listening. oh well, but that's a precursor to the weather that we've been having the past two days. this may be the one storm that we have all year. it's kinda freaky cool. i know that weather patterns are all screwed up coz a friend told me that there were tornado warnings for Catalina Island. what the deuce? the weather has been soooo east coast out here. it's been really really windy and the rain... is actually musch closer to looking like real rain! it has volume and everything! it's not mist! this should top it off though: so last night i went to bed to the sound of loud rain and wind. and woke up to the normal weekday sounds of someone working on a house (e.g. powersaw), and the sun! alright. the storm's gone, right? haha, nope. suddenly the wind picks up a bit and huge, fat rain drops begin falling. no more powersaw.
i'm excited about this weather for some odd reason. i guess it gives me a reason to stay inside instead of me just doing it in spite of the sunny weather. but i'd like to be up in the mountains now. i'd be diggin' the snowfall that is probably chillin' up there. oh well it's cool. i played board games over the internet with my good friend. that's fun. it' as good as it gets with them since they can't come and actually hang out (which really sux), but it was fun. good times. boardgames and rain. what a combo. for the record: it stopped raining again. until then---

plumbers are here working on the showers coz mine's been tripping out and the landlord decided to fix them both. i forgot how bad soldering smells. my head hurts now. the plumbers are comedy though. today i've had to remember not to store my treasures on earth where thieves steal. thieves being the bank. they jacked me for more than i'm worth an i'm pissed about it. i just went and paid it off since i'm already being charged $5 a day on top of the accrued charges. i hate money.
so preparing for Kindred Fall's big recording extravaganza is already crazy. i don't even know what i can do anymore. chapman u. (where we're recording... sound's like freshman year) is pretty much closed down for another week, so checking out the facilities is out of the question. people said that they were down with the practice dates and recording dates, but knowing them i feel as though i need to be with them the whole time reminding them. i know for sure that more than one of them will forget and then, all of a sudden, won't be able to make it. that's just the way it's been so far and i have no reason to doubt that it will happen again. i'm preparing all the songs and making sure they're playable and thinking about what i may want instrumentally and tempos and blah and blah. good stuff, but i'm pretty much done with what i can do by myself. (good ol' metronome.) and last night... well all yesterday all i did was work on the Breakfast Epiphanies and Kindred Fall sites and i'm thinking that things are finally coming together better on those...more so the KF site, but there's a lot more to the BE site than when i can do all at once. arrrrgh. i'm out. until then---

i just want you to know that God loves you more than anyone ever will... including them. i can't stand to see you like this... or hear you. which ever, i care for you too much to just sit back and listen. active listening is where it's at i tell you. please, don't let them get you down. you're beautiful and have got a lot going for you. patience. remember that God has you first and foremost. paul wrote to us "don't let them look down on you because you are young, but rather be an example." adn even though he said for us to "obey them, coz it is right," they are not to upset, aggravate, agitate, anger, annoy, bug, disturb, or embitter us but bring us up in the ways of the Lord. what i've learned is that it almost never lines up when we want it to and that the first part always out-weighs the second. but in that, we cannot be discouraged. remember the Truth and things will be fine. God is bigger than this and always has and always will be. as long as we learn from the moments like this rather than abhor and leave behind, we will grow strong. and there is much in that. until then---

i don't know if this has ever been a great time of the year. well maybe it once was... before i had a life, and before i came to college. it's just a weird thing. "i don't know what i'm doing for the hoidays people! and i don't really care." maybe that's not entirely true, but i'm starting to be a scrooge. i miss being able to hang out with all of my family on the holidays. and now that they're not here, none of my relatives get together. i'm kinda bitter about that actually. why is it that my family is the only reason that my relatives come together for holidays...? well and kwanzaa, but i'm not starting that rant now... at this point, the holidays has just become a time that lose time to hang out with people tat have really been making an impact on my every-day life. i miss them every year at this time. it was way cool for thanksgiving this year to go to Catalina and hang out with my friend Kyle's family for about a week. that was great. i was still missing key personnel but was so fun! idunno. at this point, all that i really want to do for the holidays is figure out Kindred Fall's bass and drummer situation, write music, lay down scratch tracks for the recording that we're doing in january, and try not to get bored. i need to get money for rent in january and i have no clue where that'll come from. got to register for classes but have no clue why it won't let me finish doing that! (ie. i started already!) anyway, c'est la vie, eh? until then---

so i've decided that i'm going to start going crazy if i don't start to write again. hello. i'm writing a bit again. here it is. it's been for too long since i've used this infernal wonderosity, and i'm still making up words and not making any sense. i don't know what i'm doing with myself these days. in my mind i believe that i'm going on the right track. i'm doing my best to be doing what makes me tick: music. but with what avail. yes, i know, "famine before feast" but it's been a long famine, and it has been a very hard one. i'm having fun, at times. but at risk of losing all of what's left of my sanity. maybe that's what i have to lose: my sanity. i'll get attention that way. people will listen if not for a bit. people are attracted to the odd, the different, as long as it doesn't interfere with their "OC." what does this make of me; a young man with a brain thinking of the things of philosophes of old, while still with the mentality of a 2-year old, trying to follow God and spread His love how He wants me to (i.e. most effectively), failing at not falling in love with girls that may (realistically) not be it for me. i don't know. my life is a mess. rent is due, and my jobs consist of putting up Christmas lights, and doing yard work. so much for making money as a musician. i spend much more time on music stuff, but with no change as far as i can see. my only fans are people that i swear are just being nice... my friends... all few of them. i love them to death, but i don't know about their honesty abotu it. they all know it's so important to me, and i think that they think that i'll be crushed if they just tell me the truth. that i'm already washed up, i'll never make it, and that my music never had potential, and to get a real f*ing job.

i'm just confused. i should have never left san diego, or maybe never left my parents and traveled with the fam. idunno. just pray, eh? hmm. until then---

17.9.01 :::

Hey internet world! This is new to me so don't worry; it'll get better. Right now this site has nothing inperticular that it is about but I will so have a plan! Maybe it'll be all about my crazy thoughts...I might confuse all of my readers though...maybe not. Well I have college things to do now so I might get back to this at a later time today or just tomorrow. Until then---

ah, my first blog... ever. in fact this was my first real experience with putting something of mine onto the internet. a whole three years. and what have i said? really... WHAT HAVE I SAID!? i've entertained myself and a few friends with my ideas of life and what i've been up to since i've been in college. girls, religion, politics... MUSIC. i'm sure i've hit them all. i still do. i can't believe that it's been that long since i've been in college, and that i still sometimes feel that i'm not going anywhere but in a circle. through even the many things that i've experienced, observed, or otherwise, i'm still lost.

i got this fortune from a fortune cookie at dinner and it tells me: "your present plans are going to succeed." what are they? i'm sitting here listening to J.E.W. and looking at the many other fortunes that i've placed onto my cpu monitor. the funny thing is about all nine of them is that i've not 'just kept the good ones,' i kept them if they weren't a repeat. I've found them all to be similar, and i am also firm believer that God can use anything to show you something... even fortune cookies. the most recent one that i've gotten before tonight reads: "in silence man can most readily preserve his integrity." tell me that's not good, and that it dosn't speak directly to me. anyway, i'm just saying i have no idea what my successes have been, where they will take me, nor if they will continue to seem eluded. i just know that "[i] will make a fortune with [my] friend." well, to three years. cheers. "it's been emotional." until then---

Blogger News
Happy Birthday Blogger
Five years ago today, Blogger was launched. W00t! To celebrate, we went out for lunch.

that (above) is for real. really. freaking sweet. and because i saw that, i started thinking about the age of this very site, and decided to take a look back to the first few entries...my gosh. good stuff: funny, sad, brilliant, etc. i've decided that once this blog becomes 3 years old, i will celebrate by adding in little bits of the first year. i almost thought to put 'season' instead of 'year.' anyway, i'm sure that'll be fun. until then---

life as i know it right now is pretty crazy. things aren't bad, things aren't great. maybe i'll stick with things being good. i'm trying to read through this book The Pursuit of Man by A.W. Tozer: great book so far. i think that anyone that considers themselves a Christian should read it. it's actually easier to follow, thus far, compared to the only other book of his that i've gazed my eyes upon, The Knowledge of the Holy, which was way, way intense. Tozer is defintely solid even for those of you that aren't Christian, hate religion, or whatever, but it's pretty thick. like Nietzche thick.

i start school next week, still have no drummer for Kindred Fall, am far too slowly getting artists for Breakfast Epiphanies, working quite a bit too early in the morning (but it's good money and not bad work), the fam is in town (good to see them), my roomie is moving out and i have to find a new one, tring to stay organized with Refuge, staying in touch with my lovely old friends, wanting to pursue one of them...maybe, girls still suck, rollerskating rules, breaking my writing drought, trying to feel more grounded in life and being more grounded in my faith... well, i guess life is still good. until then---

just so you know, and in case you didn't know, the link that i have up for THe NotebOOk is to a place where i'm putting up my music. basically it's my notebook of material that i write up. some of it will not be turned into song, but the ones that do, and other songs that i feel like recording, will be able to be downloaded on there as well. for those that asked for me to tell you when new stuff goes up...suck it up and check it! and please tell me what you think about them on the tag board. that'd be sweet. until then---

would i be out of line
if i said
i miss you?

-i miss you, incubus

until then---

these are my thoughts....though they are Billy Corgan's as well...

hummer

Faith lies in
The ways of sin
I chased the charmed
But I don't want them anymore

And in their eyes I was alive
A fool's disguise
Take me away from you

Shame my tongue
Fat with promise all along
But when I woke up from that sleep
I was happier than I'd ever been

When you decide
That your life is a prize
Renew and revive
It's alright honey
It's alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder
Will I feel OK?
It scares the disenchanted
Far away

Yeah I want something new
But what am I supposed to do about you
Yeah I love you, it's true

Life's a bummer
When you're a hummer
Life's a drag

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Ask yourself a question
Anyone but me
I ain't free

Do you feel
Love is real?

until then---

so i got home from work today and it's annoying coz the one thins that i don't want to do is think about you and i do. it's the same thing everyday...for a while now. but today's a bit different because of some of the things that i was saying/implying last night. basically though, i started to use time right when i got home to read and pray, but i can't focus... i need to do something about my thoughts. so here i am.
i wish that you were someone else. i wish that you were less truthful to me, just lie or tell me half-truths or something. i wish that you didn't trust me. i wish that you never cared. i wish that you were less cute, or not at all. i wish that you were just another girl, but you're not. and that's my problem. for if you were, you would have kicked me out of your life like you should have by now. i would be able to get over the need to heed to your parents wishes. i would be able to get over you like you have to me. i'm finding this situation to be a lesson in patience, or in discernment. i don't know which and that's the problem. if it's discernment alone, i must just leave you on your own right now...coz you're not alone, but i need to be. if it's patience alone, i should never complain about this anymore, and just hope for the future that you have no hope in and/or don't see. if it is both, i'm sorry for you, coz i know that i'll be the cranky, dumb, moody me that you've come to know for the past few months. the me i don't like and you don't deserve. i think that i'm done for the moment and i'll get back to what i need to be doing, but i needed to say something, and i guess that was it. until then---

so now i've come across many ideas in my lifetime...or shall i say philosophies(?)... and this one is definitely good. this being in the scheme of relationships and dreams, etc. i realized not much earlier today that this idea may haev been semi-spawned from a fortune cookie thing that i have on my monitor: "Don't allow yourself to dream away time - be productive." yeah i think that i stole it. but it's in a fortune cookie, so i'm sure that there are millions out there that have seen the same one, so it's for everyone to take. but the way that i see it, my "problems" with the girl thing, and with my music career have to be second to living my life. those will come with time if God really wants it for me. so basically it doesn't mean that i sit around waiting for God to hand thesee things over on a silver platter, nor do i pursue ad pursue different venues of both (coming up short of perfect everytime, of course) tiring myself and becoming frustrated with my future. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." (Matt. 6:34). i didn't originally want to put these back to back, but, as usual, GOD says it best. being that my life consists of truly living (life as a Christian... it should be on the edge of madness oft-times... faith, man..!), this should be something that i've been doing but i'm human and there is human error and i frequent that possibility. i really need to practice what i find out in my life journey more often. things may make more sense that way. Until then---

ok so i come back to blog and the template for posting has changed again. good times. i think i've been away too long. anyway, summer's here and i've not much to do but pine away the day. i need work but i don't want to do anything but play music. i've really got no other focus in life as far as work goes. it's music or nothing. i swear if it keep up like this, i don't think that i'll be doing much of anything. i feel as though i may be too unwilling to go it alone if i have to. i was thinking about it today: what if i did actually start recording my own stuff myself and begin marketing myself as an acoustic artist. forgetting that i suck as an acoustic guitarist and don't like it nearly as much as playing my electrics i think that it could be possible. i write most of the music for my own stuff anyway and produce the most of it. besides, as far as producing goes, i know lots of people that i trust to give me proper producing advice. anyway, i've recorded this sweet version of "You" by Switchfoot which will have a link RIGHT HERE when i upload it (right click and save as...). i did it in my room like all of my recordings...good times.
so my pining away consists of spending most of my time talking to my good friend, wishing that i could say girlfriend, and wishing that i could even see her at all; praying and reading my bible (less than i'd like to say i do i must admit), looking for my Truth, trying to find out if i'm headed the right direction, if she's in my direction... i'm feeling inspired... i think that i need to find my notebook. until then---

Between a memorium on 91x for the decade passed without Kurt Cobain and an entry on a friendly bloggers blog starting in about entropy, I'm really begining to feel the chaos. It has always been easy to see, but to have specifics pointed out is to have something more. I remember when I first heard the word entropy. It is in a song by noone else than Switchfoot off of their third album, Learning to Breathe, called Living is Simple. I don't remember what I thought of that song then, aside from the thought-provoking lyrics (that i don't know how much i thought about) and being thankful that i knew it for my chem class ("entropy, entropy falling apart") my senior year of high school, but looking back now it's quite the interesting song. I may have to quote it all:

Living is simple
It's gravity
Gravity isn't so hard
Living is simple
It's entropy
Entropy, falling apart
I'm falling apart again

Living is simple
And breathing is easy
It's easy to do
Living is simple
And losing is easy
I'm losing my cool
I'm losing my cool again

All will be made well
Will be made well
Will be made well
Will be well
Is this fiction?
Is this fiction?
Hope has given himself to the worst
Is this fiction or divine comedy?
Where the last of the last finish first
Living is simple

Living is dying
Your mercy, Your mercy
Is how I believe
Living is dying
I can't understand it
I'm down on my knees
Confessing my needs again

I've had my choices
I've chosen today
I've had my choices
The choices remain

I have a quote on my monitor from E. Stanley Jones: "If you don't surrender to Christ, you surrender to chaos." The song and this quote only go hand in hand coz they are comign from Christianity. I'm a firm believer that the only way to live in this chaos is with a firm hold on Christ.
Since i've been listening to Nirvana music and interviews all day (10.30 am- 10.00 pm minus 4 hours for work) on 91x, I've been hearing about the chaos that Kurt felt. It's saddening. They played the reading by Courtney Love of his suicide note, and in it he stated that he loved everyone so much that he couldn't handle it. I think that he found the chaos in everyone, the chaos in and around the system that humans have created could not be solved by a boy that "wasn't half bad at saving the world" (Scott Weiland, Stone Temple Pilots, Shangri La De Da, Too Cool Queenie). The world was not made to last forever... and neither were our bodies or minds. When we leave this existence, we'll see the "divine comedy." Those that were not stuck in the rat race, the entropy, the ways of the world; those that looked to enternity, fought to lose for anothers gain (and therefore their own), journeyed in Truth will find the order in it all. The big picture. Until then---

GOSH!... what freaking station can you freaking hear Coldplay, Bob Marley, Cure, AFI, Jack Johnson, Daft Punk, White Stripes, U2, Foo fighters, and Smashing Pumpkins back to back to back? Freaking 91X!!! Of course it's a San Diego station, it's just too good. Listen, I dare you to like another rock station... Until then---

For some reason this is a good lyric for today:

life is white
and i am black
Jesus and His lawyer are coming back

novacane for the soul
before i sputter out

-Novacane, Eels

Until then---

Dictionary.com defines dating as: To note or fix the time of, as of an event; to give the date of; as, to date the building of the pyramids. or edible fruit of the date palm with a single long woody seed or An engagement for a performance (hehe) or most importantlya meeting arranged in advance and/or an appointment. I can agree with these... I mean when most people think of dating, they think of something much more than "a meeting arranged in advance" when that's what it is. You date to find out more about a person right? Kinda like when you become friends with someone. I thought that I recognized that concept somewhere! I'm a firm believer that we need to bring back the term "going steady" or "my steady" rather than just boyfriend or girlfriend. Example! I have a few good friends that happen to be girls that, going by what we defined as dating, I am dating them all. I find it important to get to know someone that you hang out with... why else would you hang out with them. By asking someone on a date, you're just asking for some time you set aside for them to get to know them better. 'So, by this, you're saying that someone could be dating multitudes of people at one time?' Well... yeah I am. Not that I advocate it entirely, but usually when you dating someone in the courting sense (another term we should bring back), there shouldn't be more than that person in mind really. Maybe that's not right either. I think the issue comes in when people are following the "engagement for performance" definition. People that do a bit more than date... if you know what I mean... ahem... performance. (I'm sure you do, I'm just stupid like that). But that's where a different emotional attachment happens and you're no longer just dating. But that's another blog entirely. So this whole thing is to be a public announcement that I'm finally over wanting to go steady with my good friend/crush. We'll be great friends, as we already are. As it has been eloquently put: "why does it always have to be a 'just' before friends?" Never... friends are important and being friends with your steady and even before you're courting each other is even more imoprtant. As a Christ follower, I want to do as Christ did while he lived. One thing was living and loving with people regardless of who they were. His love was (and still is) deeper than anything that we can imagine or entirely feel. Yet, we are all His friends... good friends. Our relationships should try to model that. We can get to know everyone of our friends, acquaintances, and the like and not be looked upon like weirdos. Dating... such a dumb term. From now on, aside from the terms "steady" and "courting", I'm just going to say 'we're going out to become better friends.' Until then---

Woah!! & Wow!!
Females.... & Jesus' passion...
That's all for now...I'm tired. Until then---

I guess now would be an appropiate time to give my annual Valentines Day update/rant. Other than what I'm sure I've said before (V-day is stupid coz we spend all this money on one day while we should be spending this much time and effort for our 'special someone' everyday of the year instead of designating yet another day for the people at Hallmark to make bank yet again during the year...etc.), there's not much to rant about. I got asked to a date with an ex-girlfriend, who most may know as Faye. I don't mind this, and I find it cool that she asked me. I think that most girls are scared of me, and probably scared of asking a guy out anyway so this was indeed cool. Most of you that know me and Fayes' relationship know that we're pretty good friends so me saying that this is cool isn't like she's still trying to get back with me or something (though in the far corners of my brain, I know that I fear/feel that still...).
The part that kinda sucks for me is that I'm still interested in and trying to get to know the same girl from a while back and I was thinking of asking her out at least before V-day (screw going out on that day on my plans!) but I thought (and still think) that that would be pretty messed up to ditch out on Faye. I know that she knows about her, and she's cool with that part of it, but I know that she doesn't know that I really wanted to find my balls somewhere and finally ask her, being shut down or not. Oh well. there went another chance for that. It's all good though I guess. I know that I will rather enjoy my "date" with one of my best friends....though it'd be cool if it was the other one... ah, mid-February... always the same story...oh, I mean my life story. Until then---

So school has started back up and the madness has just begun. I need to have something prepared for Refuge tonight and i really don't have much if anything. I'm just thinking that we should have a party or something. I needed a week to re-orient myself and I didn't take the opportunity...though i may not have really had one. That's cool though. I'm so stoked that AC is back in town so that now we can play. schedule-wise it's not bad at all...should be quite a bit of practice time. I hope that we gel enough to get up and going pretty quick. Still in search for a guitarist/keyboardist (keys not as important) that can sing...preferably a female, but not being too picky am I? Anyway, I've got to figure out what's up for tonight. Until then---

Hey...uh... I've been busy? I dunno what to really say except that it's been a while. I've been doing serious upkeep on the Breakfast Epiphanies website and even put up a blog for the band to put random stuff on. I'll probably be putting up lyrics and poems and stuff. It's cool..though noone seems to have visited. We have a mailling list now, and a bio page with people on it! Amazing! I definitely say explore the site fully...even though there still is no photos page because (what?!) NO PHOTOS YET! Anyway, i have to get to work. Teaching some kids some basic music stuff. YAY! Until then---

Well... THAT was fun! I'm back in Sicily...coming back home in two days...to a champagne room. Nice. Until then---

Blitzkrieg Italy!!

Dep. Catania: 0655 31 Dec. Leaving on a jet plane...Arrivederci!

Arrive Roma: 0900 31 Dec. Happy New Year!! And it's in Rome...Do a dance...
Dep. Roma: 0600 2 Jan. 2004!!! yeah baby...

Arrive Pise: 0820 2 Jan. train, train, train...
Dep. Pise: 1209 2 Jan. see the tower, bounce on out

Arrive Firenze: 1332 2 Jan. Florence....Musica!
Dep. Firenze: 0645 3 Jan. more train action

Arrive Venezia: 1014 3 Jan. Water....everywhere...and then some.
Dep. Venezia:1251 3 Jan. might find I can't really swim all that well

Arrive Milano: 1555 Jan.3 "it's the New York or LA of Italy." and what's Rome...Nashville?
Dep. Milano: 1000 Jan.4 I'm going, going, back, back...

Arrive Firenze: 1245 Jan.4 ...to Florence, Florence
Dep. Firenze: 1830 Jan. 4 On the plane again...da da da da da da, On the plane again...

Arrive Catania 2005 Jan. 4 Avec ma famille...awww.

Yeah! Out on: Blitzkrieg, Tour de Italie! Until then---

I haven't done this in a while... I just lost a long blog, dang it. And I'm too tired to try it again! stupid internet! crap on a crapper! I'm tired! BED! Until then---

So I'm over here in Italy and the jet lag that was supposed to get to me, kinda isn't really getting to me. There is a 9 hour difference, for those of you that don't know, so I'm really writing this at about 12:20 am here. So me being tired just has to do with the fact that it's dark out here and I've been out most of the day...
Sicily is sweet, btw! It's an interesting island and I will try to keep you guys as updated as possible. I went to the city closest to here, Catania (look it up), and it looks like it'll be the place to be if there is a party...(ahem, as in I plan on being there or Athens or Rome for New Years...) The island is supposedly more like old Italy than the mainland and though I haven't been, I'm looking forward to checking as much of that out as possible. He he, I'm actually trying to save my mom from being stuck in the house, too. I've found that there really is stuff to do here (contrary to my sister: "It's boring here", "There's nothing to do here") Just in the city, I've seen soo much. I would love it here...for a while. Ha, really all I'm saying is that there's just as much to do here as there is in Orange. Ok, no... more than that. The fun part is the language. It's funny coz my Nana (mom's mom) is here for the second time and niether her nor my parents have caught on to the language as quickly as I have. Though, I admit, I probably wouldn't be able to carry a conversation...In fact, I know I couldn't, but it's fun trying to understand and learning as I go. Basically I'm pairing the two high school years of French that I had and the one semester of Greek that I've taken and applying it to what I pick up to figure out the meaning. Very fun, eh? Ha ha, well the place is beautiful and so are the people. I think that it's the wine or something but the majority of the people here are beautiful...and I'm definitely speaking of the ladies here. In the small area I've found...wow. Unfortunately, that language barrier and being around my parents the whole time...not so cool. I would like to try the language thing but...unless I am just with my brother, I will probably get no play. Or should I say chance for play. I'm still an idiot, so if the chance isn't there... shoot even is the chance is there... Just like the Italian one at home. Oh well. She's still on my mind too, and if she hasn't been I know that she would love it here...it reminds me of her so much. Sad coz we're nothing. Oh well again. I'll try to keep updated. Caio!! Until then---

I should probably face it: nothing is ever going to happen. Until then---

with you, adieu

what if i'm wrong
why can't that be right
why question my step
before i've lifted a foot
why look at me wrong
when i know that's not right
why i'll sing you a song
the evening is still young
for you i will cry
before there is any reason
and how are my steps full
when i find myself empty
in search for a Truth
finding i find it
not in me, or you
seeing a part in you
what truth i've found
i doubt again, again i doubt
you and me and how
does He know
will he tell
i give no chance
but for me to fall
from that i rely on
with no feet on the ground
to Rock where i hide
away from it all, and you
yet my place behind is dark
no Light and empty
so this is for you
in hope that i will be
more than me, oui, less of me
firm and true

Until then---

Cake rules! What have I been doing not gettinga solid daily dosage? Anyway, the excuse of being consumed with work for finals has been gone since friday, so I think that now is a good time to update. Proabably earlier but what ever. So what do I do now that I'm on break? Play guitar, play video games, and wish that all the people that lived in the dorms were still around. I got way used to being over at the dorms hanging out with the crew that now I'm way bored... ok mostly bored. It's noce to have time to play guitar though. Ah...so nice. I've even recorded some new stuff, acoustically and very simple of course, on my cpu. I've been working on a CD for a special someone... the last song was written for her... we'll see how that goes (I may get killed by an ex for that..). Anyway, not much from my side. I'll be back another time. Until then---

I think that I'm at a draught again. I can't really think anymore...too many things to do. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Right? When you're in college on semesters or quarters, this is a very hectic time. If your a parent, or have family at all, they want to see you. Friends want to see you. And then, almost regardless if you really celebrate the birth of Christ or not, there is the whole gift thing. The world gets to see consumerism in it's finest hour. Winter break/ time is not really known for the actual "reason for the season." And even those that are celebrating for that reason don't take the time to really sppreciate it. It's weird for me, coz since I know that there is no real way, based on scientific fact, that Christ was born in the Winter therefore not the day we celebrate it, and it's my birthday. As a Christian, I think that it's cool to celebrate Christ's birth but what's more important is that fact of why he was here. More importantly, if we are going to celebrate Christ's birth, our giving should return to God for sending Him in the first place. No worries of what to give but ourselves and what we are as ourselves to Him. The sharing of our own gifts that God has given each of us, we should have gone out and made twice over to give back to His body - all Christians. Simple enough, I think. I shall now go back to the world as it is, and pray that someday we'll realize just what He means. Until then---

I was not paying any attention in poetry class yesterday. Here's what i came up with:

Monday

Drone Drone
I sit unalone
I sit writing a poem
A way A way
It's early today
And nothing I say
Lend Lend
My ears to a friend
Don't write with this pen
Long Long
I think of this song
I string it along

Until then---

"Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the first of the month..." Good old Bone Thugs. I can't believe that it's freaking December...well I can only because I just had a fat turkey dinner. Anyway: 24 days till can get plastered legally! Ok so I'm not really looking forward to that too much. It'll be cool to pick up some good red wine though... mmmmm. What I meant to really say was: 24 days till I go to see my family in Italy! So stoked. I've still got stuff I've got to do before I can get my ticket but... awesome. This is actually funny too because as it is I haven't seen my family in two years, but since August, my sister won't talk to me until I go out there. She's such a weirdo; she doesn't talk much on the phone when we talk anyway. But she's one of my best friends, and it's good to hear her voice, so this is kind of a low blow. She's like that though. Funny.
Anyway, got to find some sort of a job so I can pay rent...I'm not sure about this month or next month at all, let alone after that...screwed. Actually: prayer. It will get taken care of if I trust God...and I really don't have any other choice. That's a good thing though to have God to rely on to do what's best for you. In other words, I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get the money just yet, but I'll get it somehow. (Don't be thinking nasty now!) Well I'm outty...need to go serching a bit. Until then---

There's a reason why I'm drawn to you. I just can't put my finger on it. I also can never say what I really want to. I'm worse than you females. Hinting without hinting yet waiting for a reply. I disgust myself. Those blue eyes... beautiful blue eyes that daunt me and stare at me when I do something stupid. Or when you do and have no clue. It's cute. And you're funny, and you don't know it. I'm not including the times that you're really not trying to be funny but are rather confused. You can seriously be funny. It's cool. So where this is we will never be again - it's ever changing. hopefully never farther than the day before. Just knowing you is fun. To know you better is to be... I don't know. I'll have to see. It's not me, it's you. Someday I'll open my mouth and you'll know it, too. Until then---

something for tonight

i've come to know
all that I
should be depraved
of all the things
i seem to find
of all the things
i want to need
i seem to bleed
though not as much as You
when i remember

i've come to know
some parts of me
i want to be
naked and free
to show me just me
and you just you
in something i can't see
won't ever see
cos there is no more
just less of me

depraved unworthy
allowed to be
just to be for You
and nothing greater
i feel i hate her
i feel i what who
i know i love you
for what i don't know
and that i can't show
not given time
to make me have again

Until then---

So I just have one question? Why is it that my "friends" don't call me to hang out... ever? Just a question...
Transmission from a Lonely Friday Night.
i sit here
alone and thinking
alone unthinking
beliving what seems to be
what leads to the
feeling of empty truths
that mean
i mean
they take my mind away
so much goes through
i read into the little things too much
and not into You enough
there's no hope in what's here
for me
when i look
there it shows to me
the only way
out there
out where
somewhere out where
where i never could be
could never fit
and so it sit and think
alone i think
"i'm alone"

Until then---

Why is it that every time that I update this thing I'm skipping class...? It's 11:30 and I decided in my Human Nutrition lab this morning that I wasn't going to the lecture. Don't ask why...I'm on break already. So uh..it's been awhile. I guess I've been going to class, ha ha. Well I have a lot to catch up on don't I? Quick details:
Halloween day went thriftin' with A.C. (Aaron, Aaron's roomate..he he), he was dressing as Wilson from Home Improvment, I ended up being Samuel L. Jackson, aka One Bad Ass Motha F@#$a, in his leisure clothes. Just roamed the night away, and saw "The Ring" (funny movie) and "28 Days Later" (could have only been more awesome if Samuel L. Jackson was in it...basically movie=awesome) and hung out with some friends til late...ah Halloween.
On the 5th of this month, I finally got another job. (Yay money!) Especially important coz there's no more soccer games. (Less money, booo...) It's a tutoring job for high schoolers, easy $9/ hr. I still need to find more work though...
7th of this month: SAN DIEGO! SWITCHFOOT! I finally got to go home after a long time of not being there. A.C. came with me. It's a very scary place right now...at least to me. The devastation from the fires really put me into shock. I couldn't bear to drive into areas where I knew that there were lost homes. The smell of burning was still in the air, as well as smoke and this was a week later...it sucked. We went by my Alma mater it was Home coming...good times...yet weird. The peeps that were frosh my senior year are seniors now. Weird. Anyway, Switchfoot! Got to see them for the first itm since they've been signed down at Soma. Great show. Things have definitely moved up for them. They are still such an inspiration. On the drive back, A.C. and I were making plans to play and get on the same page...for real, no messin' around. We'll be coming up with stuff very soon. Will keep you posted.
On the same note, David and I played the other day and he's stepped it up. It's been a month since I've played with him and I think that may have been a good thing. He's gotten a lot better. I can actually see me playing with him now and not just dragging him along in hopes that he'll work things out. Ladies and Gentlemen, we may have a band...
Remember Samson. 24 hour Men Madness, November 14 was awesome.
Well not much yet on the day. I'll keep on posting. Until then---

I guess now that both Grant and Aro have commented on the fires, it's my turn...especially since I actually do know people that had to evacuate their homes. All of the fires in San Diego have affected someone that I know... in most cases, many multiple someones. I've spent probably way too much time worrying and thinking about what's going on down there. Even though I got a call form my good friend Blake that everyone in his parents/his neighborhood is okay and got out of their homes before the fire went through, I'm still in utter shock and awe. The fire did more than comsume houses, and beautiful SD: they've consumed my mind. Nothing I do can seem to take the freaking fires off of my mind. I have dreams about them, in places that I've created with people that I don't even know...intense dreams. I wasn't sleeping too well...
I got an instant message within the past couple of nights telling me that the house that another one of my friends (who really cannot afford this to happen) house has burned down, too. NO MORE!! And the small town of Julian is in danger too...I don't know. Home doen't seem like home anymore. It's been killed; chared to death; blackened and smoldering; beautiful smells, once burned, are quite rancid. Yet, I still miss home. Some how, I think that it was snowed on me and I may have breathed some of it in.
Just pray... Until then---

I got a hug today.
It was just what I needed.
Thanks.
Until then---

So I am currently skipping class again today. Don't ask why...I really just didn't feel like going. Besides, I never really feel like going so that's not a good excuse. Honestly, I couldn't get myself out of bed this morning really. Hmm... I just take those type of things as signs. Besides that, I'm having a real hard time with whether I really want to be even taking classes right now... anyway...
Yesterday, I made a difficult choice in my music career. I got a call for Breakfast Epiphanies to play at Chapman's homecoming festivities. Well this was all the more interesting because BE is going through major change and really all that's left is me. I've been trying to work with this drummer, David, who is cool, and really wants to play but he still can't feel music. He's got technique down pretty well, but no soul goes into what he plays. I want to help him out by playing with him but I feel as though I should be getting paid to work with him. It has stopped being fun, but rather frustrating to play with him. I wish that it could work, but I know that it won't right now. So there's me... and my guitars, and my songs... I figured that I'd play on my own and put on the show. I am Breakfast Epiphanies.
Also yesterday I started playing a bit with Aro's roomate, Aaron (he he, and that's for mutiple reasons). He plays bass and sings. Sweet. We are going to keep playing with each other, but we don't know where it'll go. We'll have to see. I'm already having more fun than I have been these past few months. Sad. Anyway, off to make arrangements for my songs so I can play them by myself and not suck. Until then---