twelve pearly gates

2011-12-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

ThouGHts WHIlE StarinG at A Wall

while putting up the Christmas lights at my place of work (a house if you didn't know... and not mine), i saw a random space between the property i was on and the property next door. of course, i immediately got to the questions "who owns that? is that no man's land?" aside from the fact that i thought about this rather oft-used phrase 'no-man's land' for the first time as land that no one owned and not just as land out in the middle of nowhere, it got me to thinking. why wouldn't the phrase have been this is "God's land?"

people always got to be so negative, ha.

until then---

2011-12-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

i'm doing this survey for USA Ultimate (formerly Ultimate Players Association) since i am a paying member, and it's kind of bad. it's like one of those situations where they're trying to lead you to say something that they want you to rather than get a genuine response (those have a specific name, but i'm at a loss as to what they are called. could just be a Leading Question, but that seems too easy.), among other things as well.
so here's a written response that i gave them, and though it's not nasty or bitter or anything controversial, i thought it'd be good to post. (the bold is from the survey, non-bold is my response.)

Since your response to the previous question suggested that you don't feel that these six goals provide the right direction for USA Ultimate...

How would you change, or add to, these six goals (shown below) to ensure USA Ultimate is headed in the right direction? (please be specific!)

1. Increase the visibility of Ultimate
2. Grow youth, college, and league Ultimate
3. Organize the highest quality US competitive events
4. Achieve sustained excellence of Team USA
5. Celebrate and uphold Spirit of the Game, as well as USA Ultimate’s core values
6. Govern the organization to ensure stability and excellence

i'm mainly concerned with what it means to "govern the organization to ensure stability and excellence." This directly relates to the other goals listed above. To keep things relevant with the problems people see in our federal government, i don't think that any of the USAU members really knows where our fees go. We have to pay for tournaments, travel, accommodations, etc. so other than a quarterly (maybe) magazine where do they go?

The increased viability (1), and spread of the game (2) are related to the same concerns. If the people that you already have as members are not sold on what you actually provide, then it's hard to spread the game with USAU having knowledge of it. The game is awesome (unquestionably) but it's played in pockets that don't use USAU at all, and this will continue. I find that part of the charm is that it's not a highly visible sport but yet you can play it at a super high level and be recognized worldwide. Kind of amazing. So if making the game more visible takes that away, i don't want it.

until then---

2011-11-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

i've written about this topic/dilemma before, but apparently it's new again with the presidential elections coming up... next year. this article i found Should Candidates’ Religion Matter? (please visit the link if you have time, as i'm sure the author would like to see the hits he gets for readers!) addresses a bit more the same things that i was thinking. honestly, i was hoping that it's bring up more of an opposing view, but rather a more thorough one of my own is okay in my book:

Exploring the role of faith in our voting decisions.

I’m troubled when I see presidential candidates pull out the faith card. It’s even worse when they do it in ways that try to “out-Christian” the other candidates. I can’t help but wrinkle my brow with a hint of disgust and “are-you-kidding-me”.

When I was a kid, my brothers and I would sometimes use the phrase “I swear to God!” when we were trying to convince each other we should be believed. Most young boys have integrity issues (as well as a penchant for deception), so we would occasionally feel the need to bring up God’s name to back up our own word. In essence we were saying, “You may not believe me on my own merit, but I’m bringing God in on this to back me up!”

We adults are far less likely to openly “swear by heaven,” but I can’t help but wonder if we aren’t just a little more sophisticated at it. Ever see a Christian businessperson with the Christian “fish” symbol prominently displayed on his or her business card? I’ve seen it on the cards of plumbers, carpenters, car salespeople, etc. I’ve even seen lawyers and doctors use it. I live smack in the buckle of the Bible belt in Tulsa, Ok.—people slap Jesus on everything from pizza places to construction companies. But, if I’m honest, I really don’t want to know if they love Jesus when I’m ordering a pizza; I want to know if they make good pizzas (it’s been my experience that pagan pizza sometimes tastes better). Their religious affiliation is a non-question for me.

Some politicians may think they are honoring God by putting Jesus on parade, but I am suspicious that something more is going on—that many of these individuals are trying to use God to give them more credibility than they have earned on their own. I appreciate any person who is a Christian, but are they qualified to do the work they do? Do they have a good reputation? Is their customer service satisfactory? Or does their "fish" imply God is siding with them and so should I? Or are they trying to make me feel (consciously or not) like if I don’t use them I am resisting God in some way?

My father was a physician as I was growing up and he had a bad taste in his mouth about those who quickly referred to themselves as “Christian” doctors (he was an agnostic till late in life). This was because of a missionary doctor he knew who had come back to the States to practice medicine after being gone for nearly 20 years overseas. My dad said he was prescribing drugs that had stopped being used fifteen years before. He told me, “He should stop hiding behind his faith and get into some ongoing education classes. He’s a horrible doctor who talks about God all the time.”

Wouldn't you rather have a surgeon who was known more for her skill than for her faith? If she were the best surgeon in the country and you found out she was a Christian—well, that would be cool. But wouldn’t you rather be operated on by a brilliant surgeon who may be a Buddhist than by a sloppy one who had a fish logo or cross on their office sign and website?

This is the kind of thing Jesus was pushing against when He forbade “swearing.” He said we are not to swear by heaven (Matt. 5:34), but to “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (v. 37). He was telling us not to bring God into the equation to prove we are telling the truth or to prove we should be trusted. People need to work on their reputations and on being the best at what they do, not on swearing by heaven.

This goes for the political candidates as well. Always bringing faith into the discussion creates a distraction from the person’s actual record. Values and morality are important, yes, but are not always an indicator of one's capabilities and policies. It avoids questions like: Is the candidate good at governing? Is she committed to justice? What is his voting record?

And why exactly do we need to know if one candidate is a person of faith? Furthermore, why should we be afraid of those who come from no faith or other faiths (in this particular election, the ongoing discussion of the credibility of candidates in the "cult" of Mormonism)? Is it because we believe that if we get the “right” candidate into office that he or she will “fix” all that ails the human community? Those of us who are Christians should know better than that. It is simply not true. The “fix” we need will never be the result of electing the right public servant or having the right national resolve; it’s the stuff of God’s Kingdom. And that Kingdom is still on its way—it may be here a little, but it is not here fully. And it won’t be here fully until Jesus returns. That means this side of eternity all human systems will continue to be broken to some degree.

“Shouldn’t we try to fix what we can?” you may ask. Absolutely. But a candidate being a Christian doesn’t ensure that he or she can fix things anymore than it ensures that he or she is a good parent or a wise businessperson (How many bad Christian parents and crooked Christian business people have you dealt with?). What is really at stake here is not whether or not the candidate has faith, but whether or not he or she is actually a good at public policy and has demonstrated the capacity to marshal the resources available for the good of all.

In St. Augustine’s massive work, City of God, he argued that secular rulers are still under the providence of God—that it is okay for the Church to work with those without faith as it pertains to the governance of a fallen world. Augustine points to Jesus’ claim that Pilate’s authority was given to him by God (John 19:11), though he was not a person of faith. The implication is that we should look for, hope for, pray for and vote for individuals who are the best candidates to lead—whether or not they lead us in prayer.

Ed Gungor is a pastor and author, and sometimes blogs at SaltTribe.

as always, i'm a glutton for your thoughts. hit me. until then---

2011-10-12T09:47:00.001-07:00

i don't normally quote my own work, but as Kindred Fall has been working on newer material, i've managed to get certain songs stuck in my head. this is one that i wrote in a moment of frustration with what's going on in my life and it's been resonating with me basically since i wrote it. i'm not going to spend time explaining what it means, but instead take it for what it is: just another song i wrote. enjoy Symphony of Fools:

i keep falling asleep behind the wheel
can't remember the place i'm headed
i am falling asleep behind the wheel
and this time it's real

like the symphony of fools
that i played on my stereo
when i tried to play it cool
you just looked away suddenly
it's the constant shock
i try to give my self
to wake up

i'll keep falling asleep behind the wheel
as long as i'm driving down that road
i'm not falling asleep behind the wheel
i've already passed away

like the symphony of fools
that i played on my stereo
when i tried to play it cool
you just looked away suddenly
it's the constant shock
i try to give my self
to wake up
again

until then---

2011-08-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

so i was tooling around this morning looking for some current news (twitter wasn't giving me enough information), so of course i went to the NPR site and ended up finding too much to listen to/read. (this is not really a problem, but i realized that i've not been keeping current... BAD!)

i came across this piece which should be of interest to both my Christian friends and non-Christian friends alike. apparently, that has been some more dispute over the reality of science in the Christian faith. this one in particular is questioning the existence of Adam and Eve. kind of a big deal.

through my personal studies, i've come up with my own take that kind of blends the two thoughts into a very real, very possible way of thinking that the Genesis story is historically accurate and that evolution is still a very real thing (as it most definitely is). some of my college friends may have hear me speak on this before, but the logic of my stance comes from the language: once i learned that "ADAM" is a word for "man" in Hebrew, a door was open for my understanding of the intersection of my faith and science.

there are essentially two accounts of the creation of "man." the first in the linear 'day one, day two', etc. found in Genesis 1:26-31. then another account soon after at Genesis 2:7 (continuing with woman later in the chapter). in some discussions i've had in the past, this has never been explained in a way that made me think that these couldn't be referencing two different events. or better: a broad event and a specific one. God created man; Adam was one of these men and this is the story of his descendants.

just like fact that God created the universe is more important that the time period that it took him to do it, thinking that God created man, then we have a story about God's chosen people starting in Genesis 2, seems to work and make sense in my mind. it's not like there is an explanation needed for the people that Cain and Abel marry, or the many other nations that the Hebrew people encounter during the entire scripture, but this could account for it.

the report only hints at this idea of the importance of the Adam and Eve story, but that hint is huge: Judaism, Islam, and Christianity have no basis if there are no Adam and Eve. no story of the fall of God's people. the acceptance of Gentiles by God's people. all moot. science is great and there is a reason that it all works. my faith leads me to believe that the science was set in motion, and didn't just "exist" but that doesn't make it any less real. i'm curious of others thoughts which is what prompted this almost rant. besides i've not written in a while...BAD. feels good. until then---

2011-06-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

i haven't made time to put in words many of the things going on with me, but an article i just read, written by Jon Foreman (Switchfoot, Fiction Family) pretty well sums it up:

"Making a Living" for the Huffington Post.

"Hate was just a failure of imagination." -- Graham Greene

Re-appropriate is a word that I stole from my friend David Dark. He'd stolen it from a guy named Jeff Tweedy. It's a good word to steal. In fact, of all the words I've stolen in my lifetime I feel the least remorse for lifting this one. Re-appropriate: to seize and reassign. It's very definition encourages a theft of sorts. I suppose all of language works like that: taking anonymous words and making them our own. This enlightened practice of re-appropriation is unique to the human experience: We adapt within our situation to make the most of it. All other creatures are defined by their innate abilities, mostly untaught. A worm is not taught how to crawl. A chameleon is not taught how to change colors. A rabbit, a horse, a spider- these creatures are defined by themselves and their intrinsic giftings. We human beings are not like this: we bend, we learn, we invent, we change. Humanity has been making herself up all along. Making life. Making a living.

I would like to re-appropriate the phrase "making a living" to mean something larger than accumulating net worth in an online bank account. I'd like to suggest that ATM receipts and mortgage payments have very little to do with living or life or making life worth living. In my personal struggle to make a living, I've found that true success has very little to do with income or comfort. In fact, it seems to me that inconvenience, hardship and discomfort are my best teachers. It's as though these horrible, wonderful moments where I realize my own limitations are almost exclusively the only ones that matter. So when I'm brave enough, I chase these awkward moments down. I write songs about them. I put my scattered thoughts online. Heck, I even seek therapy from time to time. Love, dreams, confessions, God, women -- these are dreadful, awe-inspiring mysteries to me. They put a funny taste in my mouth. They give me scrapes and scars. And stories.

The best stories often come from inconvenient and uncomfortable places.

Like a newborn child, real life comes out painfully, awkwardly, delicately. As a pearl is formed only when the oyster is agitated with sand, the most important moments in my life were born out of friction. The art comes from the awkward ache. The knot in my stomach usually teaches me more than comfort ever could. The sculptor's chisel carves away at the block to bring something new into being. In the same way, we hammer away at the world we're given to bring something new into being. We re-appropriate the past and present to create the future -- breath by breath.

We are making our living on a dying planet, born into a world of contingencies.
Ours world is torn to shreds by the greed of men, the intolerance of our times, and the wars that rage on in the world around us. Every day our bodies are decaying. On the day of our birth, our death becomes an eventuality. Yes, the world we've been given is under the dark shadow of these struggles. We're born into the fight. It's as though we're armed only with a dream. So it's no surprise that our hopes are dulled on the battlefield of institutionalized cynicism. In this world of death and taxes we might even begin to question whether dreams are appropriate. Against the backdrop of despair, we are tempted to abandon the struggle of hope and accept dead cash instead. We're tempted to believe that "the real world" could never be anything other than it is.

But isn't "the real world" largely what we humans have made it? Let us remind ourselves that the "financial security" that we are slaving for is anything but secure. Let's remember that this peace of mind recently went bankrupt. Yes, these supposedly stalwart investment institutions were bailed out by a government that faces an insurmountable debt. Let's take it even further and recall that none of us has any control or security over the day of our birth or death. And in this context I believe that "making a living" cannot be tied to the paycheck alone. Rather we make the real world of tomorrow today. Moment by blessed moment, we're making a living.

To make this kind of living takes incredible creativity. To see the limitless possibility in the present moment takes a wild imagination. And it's not just artists that need this untamed ingenuity.

A good teacher is creative. A good computer programmer is creative. A good mom is incredibly creative. A good lawyer looks beyond the contingencies of injustice and works to bring a more virtuous existence into being.

In fact, the argument could be made that a human being is most God-like when she is most creative: ingeniously crafting the true and the beautiful out of the confines of the present tense. Remixing tomorrow out of the raw materials of today. Re-appropriating a dream into reality. And it's not just vagabond surfers who chase down preposterous dreams of doing what they love -- humanity has been doing this all along. Flying without wings? Landing on the moon? Recording and amplifying sound? Yes. We invent, we progress, and we make it up as we go along. Does it sound like a swindle, like cheating the system? Does it sound outrageous!? It absolutely is! But that's what making a living is my friends -- it's scandalous! Yes, and the outrageous souls who are willing to risk failure might be the only ones who are truly making a living. For better or worse they are defining the world our children will inherit.

This world is a hand-me-down. It was given to us by our parents -- women and men much like ourselves. Human beings in love, human beings rejected, human beings hungry, restless, apathetic and hopeful: ever-changing, ever-adapting. Yes, the human soul is a bundle of conflicting desires. You want peace but you love excitement. You hate math but you want to graduate. You love your parents but they drive you crazy. Even our hopes are at odds with each other. The rent? The relationship? The career? The vacation? Our dreams rarely line up. It's messy stuff, but these are the raw materials that life has given you. You had no choice as to where your journey begins, but the choice is available to you now. You could argue that you didn't choose to be born, that there are factors of your existence over which you have little or no control. It's true, these are the contingencies we were born into. Your heart, your bones, your soul, your sexuality -- these were given to you. Given to you as a painter is given a canvas and a brush. Given to you as a sculptor is given a block of marble. St Francis of Assisi said that "He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist." Your artistry? Your craft? You are making a living.

Which is to say that you are the art. Your words, your haircut, your clothes, your actions -- these display your unique blend of past and present, desire and lack thereof, insecurity and purpose. You are the painting, and everyday you're painting yourself and the world around you.
Every moment is a canvas is waiting to come to life. The walls of this planet and the walls of your heart are still available to graffiti artists everywhere. There's still room for redemptive, honest, hopeful colors. You put your brush to canvas with every decision, with every breath. We are the human race. We are the re-appropriators. But none of us are creating out of nothing. Human creation is always re-appropriation. Trying to put beauty into form.

Tom Morrello once said that "Music is like sausage." He was killing time on-stage in a club called Hotel Cafe in Hollywood. We were halfway through the encore trying to figure out a cover tune that none of us really knew. It was a mild form of chaos onstage. So as we switched instruments and tried to work it out, Tom told this parable to the patient crowd, "Music is like sausage. You love the final product but sometimes you don't want to see how it's made." It's one of my favorite stories to tell. I love finding something beautiful within the bizarre. Grace within contingency.* Because after all, that's what music is. That's what life is. Re-appropriating the scraps we have at hand in an attempt to create something truly magnificent. Crafting timeless beauty out of our own temporal specific circumstances. My friends who practice yoga have a saying, "Fake it till you make it." Maybe that's what humans do best: we make it up as we go along.

You want to know the meaning of life? This is your highest calling: You are called into the dynamic co-creation of the cosmos. This breath is your canvas and your brush. These are the raw materials for your art, for the life you are making. Nothing is off limits. Your backyard, your piano, your paintbrush, your conversation, Rwanda, New Orleans, Iraq, your marriage, your soul. You're making a living with every step you take. So when you make a living, do not merely make money. Why settle for cash when joy is on the line? You feel a thrill when you dance, when you sing, when you finish your poem; even when you sweep the room you see order pressing back against the chaos. So when you create, never settle for making a living -- at least not the way that the world might define that phrase. When you make a living, you are speaking a new world into existence. You are creating grace within the confines, you are co-signing God's blank checks.

*inspired by Gregory Wolfe

until then---

2011-03-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

tHOughTs WhilE staRinG aT a WaLL
growing up is weird. (don't we all know it?) but some realizations that happen along the way are what take the cake. the other night i was hanging out with the guys in my second band, My November Guest, at the front man's residence. his wife and two kids are there along with his mother in law and grandmother in law(?). and now, this isn't about him having kids, it's remembering the moments being a kid when my parents were shooting the breeze with friends hanging out and socializing. the things that they talked about that my siblings, cousins and i didn't understand. all the while, they are taking care of us.
it's like the same realization that our elementary school teachers (the younger ones especially of course) probably had lives like we do now and still went out for drinks with their college friends and generally had lives that wouldn't separate them apart as "our teacher".
Seriously, when i think back to some of my teachers, it's still the weirdest idea that they might have had lives outside of teaching! i don't know if that's sad, or hilarious! until then---

2011-01-23T17:44:00.000-08:00

tHoguHtS WhiLE sTarING at A WalL

i just saw this commercial...

i think that they almost ask the right question... it should be this:

ARE WE CONDITIONED FROM CHILDHOOD TO ACCEPT THAT WE MUST HAVE A CAR?

this commercial makes me think so. until then---

2010-12-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

so someone posted a link to a 14-part recollection of the "original" Smashing Pumpkins final show which was about 10 years ago. crazy, right? they are still one of my favorite bands and are highly influential as to what i do musically and business-wise. i really enjoyed reading it so i put it all together in one place for you to enjoy if you'd like:

first thing that comes to mind is that we only had about 6 days to prepare the about 14 or so extra songs that we added to try to make the show both historic and memorable. normally this much work in such a short time would have been met with resistance, but everyone was in good spirits to have the 11 months of touring finally over.
my original plan was to book the metro out for the whole month of January and make one last album, writing songs and recording them live in rehearsal and then playing them at night at the 'shows'. can't remember how many shows we would have done per week? maybe 3 or 4. Iha + Auf Der Maur hated the idea and said no. a shame, could have been amazing. band was tight at that point and i was motivated to write more.
we had the 2nd to last show at The United Center, and we wanted to film that as well. unfortunately the building wanted to charge us (i could be wrong but...) 50,000$ just for the 'right' to film, not counting the actual costs it would have been to film. so there is no video that i know of. if there is it might be a lone camera. that show was amazing, although we were criticized for opening the show acoustic.
we had been opening with 5 songs acoustic in Europe as a way to set a different tone because each night the audience was thinking they were seeing the band for the last time. there the audiences went with the somber beginning, and so i stupidly assumed that an American audience would go the same way with it. Wrong! once we finally lit it up with 'glass' theme (song 6) the place went nuts.
for the Metro show itself, we found someone to be a clown in between acts, to hold the sign up announcing each of the 3 parts. what most people don't know is that the kid doing it (a total coincidence) was related to Jonathon Melvoin. i found out before the show, but i took it as a sign that his spirit was with us in the building that night so i said i was fine with it.
we played 38 songs i believe, over 4 hours of music. i had never played that long before, nor have i since. i wasn't even sure my voice would hold up that long, but it did. actually it got stronger as the night went on. the first song was 'rocket', which we were supposed to play after the mellon collie theme intro, which was played off a cd. the theme finished, i lit into the opening riff of 'rocket'.
unfortunately, no one turned off the cd, , so as i was playing i heard 'tonight, tonight' come blaring out of the p.a. classic SP fuck-up for trying to be fancy. the show as i remember was fairly good, but incredibly hot and at about 90 min in the crowd was just totally worn out. i thought to myself 'wow, we got a long way to go!'
act 2 honestly felt like a sad funeral, and people started talking. i felt the whole thing slipping away from me, but i realized that it was all part of the journey of death that we were on. life moves on, and when the show was over i too had to move on. i honestly thought that it would be the last time i would play most of these songs, and it felt good to let them go.
act three was designed to bring the energy back up, and it did. the last encore i think was 'silverfuck', which had a lot of improvisation in it. it wasn't all planned out, and i remember thinking of my deceased mother alot. it all came down to 'where was mommy?' in the end of it all, as it begins so does it end. i turned to look at Jimmy and said 'that's it', and it ended without form best as i remember.
i broke down on stage crying but i remember being quite embarassed about it. i've thought about that moment many times, and i wish in hindsight that i'd let myself just have a good cry right then and there, because you won't find yourself in a spot like that many times in your life. after we had a little party, playing dvd bootlegs of the band on a screen on stage.
once it was over, there was a shift, so playing the videos felt like watching a car crash again and again. it was overkill for everyone, including me. pictures and Chopin would have been better. i asked where James was, and someone had said he had left, without saying goodbye to me or Jimmy, a real final fuck you in my eyes. outside of a phone conversation about business in 2001, i haven't seen him since.
one more thing: please stop asking about the show ever coming out (i say this good heartedly). it will come out when the time is right. it should have come out in 2001 but EMI squashed it, and we got the rights back. hopefully it will be put out one day when tall he albums get re-issued. it would make sense for it to come out with the Machina era stuff.
i think as more time goes by we all should look at SP as having 2 totally different eras, 'old school' and 'new school' or whatever. call it what you want, the SP of 2005-2010 and counting has been a different animal, albeit with similar goals set in a different world.
'old' SP ended exactly 10 years ago this night, and it a'int ever coming back. from my vantage point, that's a good thing. that band will never sell out and never grow old gracefully (because honestly it couldn't). long live SP 1987-2000 a great fucking band when it was 'on'. and a nightmare when it was 'off'. thanks for checking out these thoughts/memories, love BC

in the end, i think it's good to hear the humanity in all the mess of the ending of the original SP. it just makes the band more real. i can empathize with that for sure. until then---

2010-11-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

yesterday afternoon, my dad asked me how my Kindred Fall show had gone and i told him that it was "fun". this morning, i realized that i haven't said that in a while. have i really not been having fun lately? the shows have been "good". they've gone "great" or "really well". but i never mention that "i had fun".

i just thought that it was weird that my dad was surprised by the statement.

now, all i can think about is "why the heck did i say that?" not like it's a bad thing, but what made this show that much more "fun" where i actually said that. i mean, the show did indeed go well after all...

as i've been chasing this passion of mine, been able to find people to play with that are chasing a similar passion, did a mini-tour of Japan, and even made a little bit of money along the way, one thing that i've always tried to keep close is the fact that i want to have fun doing what i do for work. i want it to be my passion (i don't have a spouse or girlfriend so there's obviously no competition in that department...) so that should never be a problem.

me thinking about it this much really makes me wonder if i have been missing something lately. it always seems fun to me, but i don't know that i express it enough. i wonder how much that bleeds over into how others perceive my goals... these puzzlements. until then---

2010-10-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

so this weekend, we "celebrate" Halloween. not that it's so much a holiday that we all cherish for religious reasons (in the normal sense), but most really love it. i enjoy it quite a bit myself. it's a day (or it's surrounding days) allowing us to all have the chance to be actors! and, although i have no formal training, have been in a total of three plays, and only a few student films mainly for my college roommates, i really, really enjoy acting. i just enjoy playing music more. i've picked my poison, and now i digress.
my joy of this is probably a bit more than others as i really get into character. take this costume for instance:

(i'm the pasty white guy on the right of the frame.) i (controversially) dressed as white trash a couple of years ago. i was inspired by Robert Downey, Jr.'s character in Tropic Thunder, Joe Dirt (David Spade), and George W. Bush (himself). the most important thing that i did was stay in character, even when my friend was selling me out to people that i am really a black dude. this was when the studying of W. was really going to be important: DENY DENY DENY! this was very fun. especially when close friends (even after being told) still questioned my true identity.
last year, i decided a group thing would be fun to do with my band mates. we dressed as the Scooby Doo Gang, aka Mystery, Inc. i ended up with the role of Daphne:

yeah laugh it up. four-inch heels are NO JOKE! i didn't really get to play the character as much with this one (which might be a good thing for my sake) but i definitely looked the part.

although i know my reasons for enjoying this excuse to party, i have no reason to question anyone elses. no matter what the purpose (drunkeness, slutty girl costumes, hiding your deeds behind a mask...) it's a good night to have fun. just be safe out there.
now, i have a reputation to keep up of being a bit controversial with my costume. until then---

2010-09-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i finally made time to watch the film "Up In The Air" and, though this post is in no way a pure critique of the movie, i felt that that's where it left me: up in the air. i actually don't have any problems with this sort of film if there is a purpose in it's ending that way. not all film is supposed to be "fluffy" and it felt that the intent of storyteller may have been to leave the audience with a sure empathy for the main character.

anyway, enough of possible major spoilers. i found this story to hold some very interesting philosophies within it. very real human ideas that effect the way our culture is today. it got me thinking a lot about my current situation, etc.
(now what's next, shouldn't spoil the film for you, but if you're worried about it, watch the film first... i won't reveal major plot or anything, just concepts from the film.)
a major theme of the story is the idea of baggage. things you carry with you that you may not even think about. things that you put on others around you that you may not even think about. this is brought up by the use of a backpack. it starts empty, and you 're asked to fill it up with the stuff in your life: computer, dishes, tv, cell phone, guitars, car, etc. all of the things that you own. once you get your couches and your house (if you own one) in there, you begin to realize this backpack must be something Mary Poppins would have used, and more importantly, there's no way that you can carry it with you. anywhere. so you're stuck.
you are then asked what would happen is you were to incinerate the full backpack.

another time, we start with the empty backpack and are asked to put in it all our relationships: co-workers, acquaintances, friends, relatives, family. all the secrets, the problems, the trials, etc. confided in them and those of theirs confided in you. that bag gets heavy really quickly, too. and so much of the weight is self-inflicted.
there was no burning of this backpack, but there is the fact that some of the things in it are superfluous and should be removed from the backpack.

now these ideas of ridding yourself of all connection to be highly mobile sounds pretty inciting when you really think about it. but you think more, and the relationships that you miss out on are the best ones to have. what can be said (and is in the story) is that a person living with these super-light backpacks are quite isolated. truly, it's possible for that to happen obviously, even if the person travels a lot and is consistently surrounded by people. there's no investment in those people. investment equals more weight. and it adds up quickly.
i can say with confidence, that most rational people would agree that the fist backpack can afford to be much lighter. my friend recently up and left for Japan and is making his life there and traveling around as he pleases. he's very much the minimalist. both of his backpacks are light and part of me has always been jealous of that. in those moments of jealousy, i wish that i was a much stronger acoustic guitarist. but i digress.
biblically, Christs teachings lead toward this very similar minimalist idea: "if you want to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give them to the poor..." (Mt. 19:21), "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." (Lk. 12:15). there are more instances but i'd be cross-referenced for some time... but you get the point. Christianity isn't the only faith that teaches this, hence why there are monks of almost every faith that go to the extreme: they don't even have backpacks at all.

the point that really hit me in the story and i think that anyone can really take away from this idea of cleansing, is that humans tend to collect things. many things are meaningless, but we're told that they're important. i read something from actor Simon Pegg ("Shawn of the Dead", "Hot Fuzz", "Run, Fat Boy, Run") along the lines of: 'It was 1966 so not everyone had cameras so don't tell me that i need pictures to prove [this event] happened!' this is brought up in the film, too. humans have an uncanny phenomena about our brains that allow us to remember many things that are important to us. we don't need everything that we keep to remind us of them. emptying the backpack (rather than burning it) and only replacing what you truly need is something that must happen every once in a while. it's like a hard drive defrag. the more you do it, the less time it takes and the lighter your life will probably feel. this can even mean (as some of my friends have done) getting rid of those "friends" on the social networking sites that you are just stalking. you don't have a meaningful relationship with them, or never did at least. that's just useless baggage... usually in the form of time-wasting.

i've already decided that this process sucks but it may be one of the most necessary things for me to do right now. before i can't carry any more in my Mary Poppins backpack. until then---

2010-08-31T19:26:00.000-07:00

thOUGHts WhiLE StaRiNG at A WalL

so i'm pretty sure one of my favorite things about driving around my '72 VW transporter is the brand new (as in just unpacked) license plate frame going around a blue and yellow California plate that reads:

ALUMNI
CHAPMAN UNIVERSITY

reactions are everything. haha! until then---

2010-08-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

i have a friend working on a article to put in music magazines or other publications and he was asking me for advice about how to write it. you know, from a musicians standpoint the way that things are written can have a very different effect on us than it does to the average person reading an article. since he's a musician as well, i definitely wanted to remind him of that.
anyway, the article is tentatively titled: "When Power Chords Lose their Power." (he's obviously an acoustic artist, HA! regardless, he's quite amazing.) i had already been thinking a bit about this topic a bit recently when at a practice prior to the mention of this article, my guitarist basically called us out with a comment saying 'i don't want to just play power chords and sing; Taylor Swift does better than that!' (note: it was really weird coming from him. and not just because he'd basically admitted to listening to Taylor Swift...)
so if they have lost their power, then what am i doing? i try to refrain from only playing power chords of course, but sometimes they are hard to avoid using and have been the basis of rock music for a very long time. so what am i doing? i've been thinking about this since i've started playing guitar - playing praise and worship songs for my church youth group. all power chords.
oh come on. i was a convert from bass guitar. it made the adjustment rather simple. and i learned that there was more than power chords rather quickly.
so then, even with that development, what makes my music stand out from the other 'developed' sounds out there. why listen to me, and what makes me relevant even if i DO use power chords.
rhythm.
i've always had a knack for it, but i'm really beginning to embrace the reasons for my using them so much. i've recently been paying more attention to the lyrics of songs in regards to where i write them and when, etc. i find that most of my song writing occurs while on our bustling highways and thoroughfares of southern california. the rhythms of driving and sitting and driving and sitting; the sounds of the different cars going by; the stress of knowing that you'll be late to your destination because someone ahead of you decided their text was more important than the other cars on the road. all of that is in my songs in one was or another.
Kindred Fall is a victim of these same feelings because i am the main songwriter. i've been trying to find where our place is in the music scene (if that so exists here in orange county), and i think that this may help define it. we DO indeed belong here, maybe even more so than some others because we feel what everyone does and our music is the expression we have to give from it.
so, power chords or now, the evolution will still occur. unconventional rhythms, driving rhythms, a-rhythms all have their place in the structure of a song. and may be the defining factor in determining it's worth. not just a chord progression.
i will have to incorporate this into our kick-azz bio soon. more concise of course. until then---

2010-07-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

so yesterday, the big news in the United States was the enforcement of the "new" Arizona law, SB1070. this immigration law has been highly controversial since it was brought to the public's attention. i've been listening to radio broadcasts talking about it for the past few weeks leading up to the official enforcement and seen plenty of terrible articles about how lives will be affected, etc. the arguments range from the fact that states have no right to enforce immigration law, to no one should be forced to carry papers to prove that their legally in the country. first off, i believe both of those arguments to be completely off-base but of course there are others involved.

being in another "border-state" i can see how a law like this could stir up some serious emotions; most of the people living near me i can easily assume to be illegal immigrants. they might not be though, which is a concern of the people against this law. under what basis is the law enforcement of Arizona detaining and deporting people? i heard plenty of arguments that say state law enforcement are not properly trained at the state level and below for this sort of action; that they lack training. but i also find this a lame excuse as even the federal border patrol has to be trained; i don't think that anyone is born with a keen sense to know someone is illegally in a country or not. maybe Superman, but he is illegal too...

i'd deport him :P

one thing is for sure: i applaud Arizona's legislature for sticking their neck out to try to enforce something is indeed a federal responsibility. i think that at the very least they are calling out the federal government to do something about what many people in border states see as a problem. if i remember correctly, the states in the union are sovereign and can enforce laws like this as they see fit - am i wrong? states don't flex their power enough. that's all i'm saying there.

so what exactly is the problem with having illegal immigrants within our borders? well there really isn't until they use public services and are employed in places that are intended for citizens in the US and legal immigrants because they pay taxes for it. what i see with this law is an attempt to free us of the idea that we are a country of immigrants. sure, there was a time that that was true, but that can be said of every country. the United States is definitely a country that has been searching for it's identity for the last 200 years. it's relatively young by the world's standards, so it's good to see people taking a stand to define what an American is and that we have laws that we've agreed upon and we can unite under.
i don't mean to get all patriotic or anything, but facts are we have to learn to take care of ourselves as a country before we can go off and "save" another. a nation isn't far off from being a human: if you're not well yourself, you can't properly help anyone to get well. "remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself first then attend to others that might need help."

if individual states enforcing federal laws allow for the citizens of our country to flourish, i'm all for it. i know that there are holes in this piece of legislation from Arizona, but i believe in the nature of it. maybe instead of worrying about being PC, we can actually solve some of the problems within our nation. until then---

2010-05-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

yeah, so a lot happened, and if you don't know it from the last post that i wrote or from me chatting with you, then we need to catch up. if you happen to be one of my "blog-stalkers", i guess let me know, and i'll write about it. otherwise, moving on!

currently, i've been dealing with residue from last month... this month has pretty much been dedicated to recovery. this means: getting a new car; making enough money to make up for the vacation and start saving for the next Kindred Fall tour; making the best use of days i took back form my main source of income (i.e. promoting the crap out of my band, and writing, writing, writing...); all while trying to stay sane by keeping contact with those i love most.

well, here's step one:

yeah, i know it's not "new", but it serves the many purposes that i need it for. i'm stoked!

as for the rest, it's all been slowly coming together... unfortunately, the mass writing isn't translating to work on this blog so often, but we'll see how that continues; i'm playing with a pen name and i'd like to keep the work separate. i guess that time will tell on that front... until then---

2010-04-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

I left for new york only a week ago. quick recap: spent about three full days in manhattan and visited rockefeller and enjoyed the top of the rock, rode the ferry to staten island to get the view of lady liberty and ellis island, walked harlem on easter sunday, then a nap in central park leading to more wandering around manhattan before a beer at the marriott martisse in times square, flight to vegas, night in vegas, drive to grand canyon (and walked for an hour on the rim) to yosemite (and hiked within) to san francisco (over two days)... and it's only been a week. until then---

2010-03-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

"any civilization that makes it their point to avoid suffering is already past their prime." i've been on this boat for a while, Jon. i'm glad you see it and have found some real people of this world that can see it, too:

until then---

2010-03-23T18:37:00.001-07:00

so as i'm sure you've found out by now, i really enjoy looking at license plate holders and bumper stickers during my commute to and from work... as it's a really long time in the car for me in traffic... anyway, i found a gem today:

this lady was driving a huge ford truck with all of these things telling me about her on the rear of her vehicle (in order of what i noticed):

a sticker that reads: "guns don't kill people, abortion kills people"

another sticker resembling this one:

(in lieu of the "enemy of the state" line it had a new meaning for the acronym for the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) that i can't remember).

and a license plate holder that reads:

"got jesus?
it's HELL without him!"
(along with a Revelations verse i couldn't read)

ok... so... i'll start by saying that i don't mind people sharing their beliefs on the back of their cars - as i said, it's a source of entertainment for me - but wow. it isn't how many things there are, it is what they are saying. it's also funny to note the pure absolutes that a lot of political stances seem to take. i'll be straightforward: abortion isn't a great option and, yeah, a fetus ends up dying in the process. but guns kill quite effectively as well. just noting it...

also, i'll say so far, i've no qualms with the ACLU, but if she does, that's cool. but just because they are trying to do their best to uphold civil liberties which may leave you with a bit less money in your pocket, doesn't make them communist... or even socialist for that matter. it's actually a simple principle that Christ talked about often, which brings up the next point.
regardless of whether you think that everyone that is not a bible-toting, church-going evangelical christian is going to hell or not, Jesus didn't play the political game. so lady, i think you're missing the mark "wide right". in fact, it was for this reason that he was put on a cross. his refusal to play the game of earthly kingdoms made the ire of the temple leaders ever stronger against the power that Jesus wielded in his ability to perform miracles even as simple as comforting someone in need. of course for those of us that believe Jesus to be God incarnate, we know why that would be so easy. but regardless, the things that Jesus was able to do, and supposedly was on earth to do was to bring a bit of heaven on earth by showing us a way to live.
sadly, it seems that those most often associated with this peaceful man are considered to be political conservatives that don't seem to want to give even their crumbs up to help another soul in need. the "protestant ethic" has gone even further awry. trust me, i understand working hard to earn your way, but blocking others' chance at success is no way to care for your neighbor (i.e. fellow citizen, fellow HUMAN).
after all this, i think i'm just tired of Christianity being used as a political tool. Christ is not on your side. i'm confident that God doesn't play that game. until then---

2010-02-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

you gotta love the internet... because of the current status of my fish, i typed into google "goldfish belly up alive" and this came up:

"HELP! My goldfish is belly-up and alive!?
For the past week or so my goldfish has been having problems. Every time I feed it, he turns upside-down belly-up. He's alive, but he just lays there like he cannot swim normally. Obviously something Is wrong, and I think this is a sign he might die soon. He's not old at all. Can someone please tell me what is wrong and what I might try to do to help him? I'm not overfeeding."

"Best Answer - Chosen by Voters
OMG, how many times must I say it, a fish thats upside down has gaseous inflation of the gut thanks to maldigestion and blockages, often constipation caused by infection or lack of dietary fibre.

Bacteria proliferate fore of the blockage,not usually aft, because contrary to popular opinion fish can actually fart, basically ferment the food in the gut, respire, causes gas, the intestines can hold more gas than the bladder, and the fish upends. Once they have a blockage they cant fart because their bodies are low pressure systems, and they dont use muscle contractions to fart.

There may be nothing wrong with the bladder whatsoever, but its a small organ, and the GI tract is huge, and if the GI tract fills with gas a swimbladder cant possibly compete. A fish with swim bladder failure does not upend, it cant, they sink or they float dorsal at the water surface, or swim on a tilt, a fish with a bladder expansion or rupture will still stay roughly the right way up, go to the top and stay there, or sink and flop about.

People shout "swim bladder" like they know what their talking about, as soon as they hear of a fish with any bouyancy issue, in reality, swim bladder failure probably accounts for about 2% of fish that get bouyancy issues.

The other 98% is down to gut inflation, and of that 98% percent, it splits roughly into about 75% maldigestion with bacterial fermentation, usually because of a lack of dietary fibre and .the other remaining 23% is bacteria or parasites damaging the gut or blocking it.

And of those incidences probably 80% of those are made worse, by overfeeding, stupidly small tanksizes with a lousy surface area affecting the fishs metabolism thus causing it maldigestion, temperature spikes, detectable ammonia and nitrite levels, and last but not least, having organ compaction from being dwarfed and small for their age which causes organ compaction thanks to having a proportionately huge liver, and make the effect of any gut swelling worse, and of course being a ridiculously overbred fancy in the first place with spinal curvature, a stupid rib shape, and compressed intestines.

PLEASE can everyone get that clear in their heads before I have a bloody stroke. Please learn to descriminate between symptoms.

So the checklist for an upended fish ie one suffering from inflation of the gut - NOT a swim bladder issue, is as follows.

1) Make sure tank temps hold steady

2) Stop feeding it or youll kill it, unless you want to try some blanched mashed pea for dietary fibre. Make the amount small and give it nothing but pea or another reasonable plant source high in fibre for at least a week. Remind the owner that for future maintenance its a good idea to use a good quality food, and to presoak it before giving it to said fish. That way food doesnt expand in the gut and cause issues, also make sure they include some vegetable matter in the diet regularly.

3) Stop telling people it will inevitably die, because thats just bloody thick, rude, and very worrying for the owner of a sick fish, who might, if you actually bloody bothered to give her the right sodding information in the first place, actually have a chance of saving it.

3) Check for ammonia and nitrite presence in ppm with a test kit. Any amount is a problem, counter with water changes that match the tank temps perfectly. Make sure nitrate is under 40 ppm. Damage to the gills from water pollution leads to less o2, lousy digestion etc.

4) Make sure the tank is big enough for the goldie, that should it actually survive, it might have a chance to grow normally ie not get gut issues in the first place. Thats 30 gal minimum, 100 gal plus for big ones. Filters and oxygenators are not optional, you have to have them, bloody big ones too.

5) If the cause is bacterial, try antibiotics under veterinary supervision, or failing that meds like furan 2 or maracyn might kill some bacteria and get the gut down to normal. Those fish blocked with worms need deworming, most commercial wormers also cause purges, which lets face it can be handy in this situation, perhaps something like a little panacur puppy wormer administered in a vegetarian agar . Fish will actually eat it. doses as recommended by weight estimates by a vet or just a couple of grains to get things moving.

6) Some fish will be terminally organ compressed thanks to dwarfing, stupid breed standards ,and yes they might well die, thats just bloody tough, and a good reminder to people to keep goldfish in the right sized aquaria in the first bloody place, and dont for a minute think buying the worst of the tall bodied ryukins, pearlscales and fancies is clever.They are immensely stupid breed standards and very few of them reach great ages.

7) swallowing air doesnt do anything to the bladder, goldies have a gular reflux much the same as you do, the bladder is sealed, and air can only penetrate it through osmotic tissue, when goldish swallows air it either comes straight out of the gills, and dont forget they can fart even if they do swallow air, it doesnt go to the swim bladder, and even when goldies take food from the surface it doesnt swell in the gut, thats a myth, goldies guts swell because of food that isnt presoaked, they take in dry food the gut is full of moisture, the food swells up causing the blockage, the blockage is solid not air, and the gas that does float the fish comes from fermentation in the gut. Just to be completely pedantic about it while im having a rant.
--------------------------------------…
So to recap, thats fibre, feeding technique, water quality, pathogens, tanksize, and temperatures.

Remember, butt up is gut, butt down is bladder, have we got it?

Sometimes its like the last 80 years of fishkeeping just got forgotten. Bugger me. No wonder your fish all bloody die, if thats all you know its hardly suprising.

Maybe the fish will die, maybe it wont, but it helps if you actually try help her, you pontificating, annoying, childish, RETARDS.
--------------------------------------…

To the asker - apologies for my tone, the ranting wasnt directed at you, the info is gold, and I sincerely hope you have good luck with the fish and that it survives.

ps really dont understand why that other dude copied and pasted my post, and swim bladder is swim bladder, if its not the swimbladder at fault its not swimbladder. Gut is gut bladder is bladder.

Christ im surprised half these people can use a computer.

Theres a reason I made the distiction, its because when people call things the wrong name they get misled, cock up the treatment protocol, give out godawful advice,and generally go around causing innacuracies in care that can be life threatening , the distiction is important. How you treat an actual swimbladder ailment is entirely different to treating a gut ailment.

Not that most of you lot could tell the difference, so dont bloody patronise me. When you start getting advice right, and start giving people a way to diagnose causes more accurately with a better understanding as I do, maybe then, you can criticise, until then, go pick your nose or something.

* 2 years ago

50% 2 Votes"

needless to say, i got my answer. i also found out that goldfish can have flatulence and that people are pretty animate about fish-keeper's lack of knowledge of these basics. crazy! but now i know. until then---

2010-01-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

he's asking for america to stop being apathetic...
that may just be a nutshell of the state of the union, but he pretty much called everyone out: media, congress, and the courts. one of the points was essentially, they all need to do their jobs of providing for the people that rely on them. it's more of an idea that i've been able to enjoy be traveling overseas: people looking towards something bigger than themselves; playing their hands towards the future.
but this wasn't supposed to be about President Obama's very inspiring (what else is new; probably the best speeches that we've heard since Martin Luther King, Jr., and Abe Lincoln before that) State of the Union address, but the way that we the people seem to look at him. i don't think that most US citizens even know what the responsibilities of the president of the US are... that points to our role in the apathy by the way.
the thing that points to this though is how we talk about the president as having done nothing in his year in office. well what is the president's duties? take a look at Article II of the US Constitution. when you read that, i'd say that since FDR in particular, the majority of our presidents have done far more than they have been called to do constitutionally; both good and bad. so can you really say that Obama has done nothing?
i'm going to step out on a limb as someone that has been on the fence about Obama being elected and say i think that he's doing his job. i'm upset with congress however who can't seem to get anything done. the president is far more in tune with the needs of this nation than the congress elected to create legislation on the people's behalf not their own.
"we were elected to serve our citizens, not our own ambitions" (Obama tonight) is something that i've really believed in for many, many years. it's something that i tried to apply in my years in student government (which seems like eons ago) and in my life in general. it's tough to move forward though - as i learned in high school - if you can't get your political colleagues on the same servant mentality. i hope that they will heed the call and not just nit-pick the things that Obama said he wanted to get done when it is truly their job to get done what we the people want done. until then ---

2009-12-29T02:09:00.000-08:00

i've realized proof that God doesn't mingle with the notion of "fairness." for a while now, i've firmly believed that this same divine being, although in everything that is in existence also is not in anything. as creator and master of all that we can know, he's set the clock in motion with its rules (that we've been able to witness and discover in our sciences). and moments where rules are broken? unexplainable anomalies we may consider miracles depending on the was we each believe based on the random firing of neurons and chemical balances that are within us individually. so as for me, God is life itself.
but this new realization is due to an old foe of my own dealings in relationships. how one can believe that life will prove "fair" in moments that life has provided something to be considered a blessing by most standard is actually a great folly. it is merely a moment; a moment of joy that can't be replaced; an experience that can't be removed except for something "unnatural" (an anomaly in the system that is our body).
so since this stays with us, when the object of our affection defects in some way - as is likely to happen since everything is in constant flux or growth - these feelings of joy can just as easily be ripped away. stuck in the memory of something once good that now leaves doubts of what joys can lay in the future. "if it didn't last once, why would it this time?"
i'm grateful for my faith, for without the faith that the human condition doesn't rely on the "fairness" of life but on our own understanding of it, there could never be forward motion. if we are to rely on God at all, the element of "fairness" must be absent from him. until then---

2009-12-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

things are good. not great - well maybe in some areas of my life. it seems few are that great. but i'm off my focus. not that life's been dull, but i'm still looking for more. it's a sad existence to walk into your job wanting to be clocking out. it's even more sad that i don't really hate my job; i just am frustrated with it. i also know that my heart's not in it. but i'm honest with myself: i know that most people in their dull existences don't have the luxury of choice; they don't believe they have the opportunities to break from their cookie-cutter lives fashioned for them by forces unseen. or their bosses.
this isn't s self help course. or a pep talk for anyone. it where i am. "we were meant to live for so much more, if we lost ourselves..." i need to get lost again. responsibility shouldn't tie me down: it should free me to live. it's my responsibility to do what i feel my heart is intent on doing. some people like to be cookies. i want to be freaking creme brulee. with chocolate. lots of chocolate.
it's a simple task, but i've got a problem finishing. i'm a song writer, but maybe i'm just fifteen sixteenths of one. that's all i can get done lately. i have eyes on something else, or distractions of another song, or thought. i need to slow the rats running in my head. they scamper from side to side. i should buy them more stationary wheels. or tubes!
i've got about seven drafts of posts from the last three months that i've not gotten to. i think they'd be really interesting to follow up on. wouldn't you like to know? or not.
basically, i've learned to love again and be loved for being me. i don't have to fit anyone elses picture of success, or even better, be the color they want me to be. so what if i came out the oven a bit later than you and your family? i'm still a person!
but doesn't it come down to love? it can always go back to that foundation. agape. people use it without knowing what it means, confusing it with eros or philos. or worse not seeking to employ its majesty at all. but it's a root of humanity. ok screw you, it's part of mine and i'm projecting. what of it?
i have no clue why i started to write this. i wish i could call this a drunken rant. it's not. i guess i just wanted to finish something tonight. i love you all. until then---

2009-11-05T18:32:00.000-08:00

tHOUGhtS WhilE sTAring at A Wall

so i'm on my way back from my music lesson today and of course i always keep my wits about myself because there are plenty of people driving that just shouldn't be...
on that note, there are laws in place that are supposed to prevent extra stupidity. in california, our laws of not using our cellular conventionally (without a hand-free device, and no texting) while driving is one such law meant to keep people's attention on the many happenings around them. and just like any good law, people will always think that they are immune from it, or that they won't get caught this time, etc. i'm not here to preach a holier-than-thou speech, because i'm not sure of all the facets of the laws, and i know that i've broken my fair share. (however, this one is common sense to me...) but, regardless, i stepped into the realm of "what if..."

ethics aside (of course), if i were to swerve a little into the lane of a person i just passed next to me that i noticed was on their phone, with my indicator on of course, would that person be more likely to be cited as at fault if they hit me? could i get a new car this way? i really would like a new car... well not new persay, but one that's reliable. unitl then---

2009-10-08T17:48:00.000-07:00

THOuGHtS whILE StaRIng At A WaLL

the other day i saw an ad while waiting at a car wash that donned this very famous symbol:

if you live in the US and you see this on a persons car, an advert, etc., you definitely see it and think: "by golly, that must be a christian in the vehicle/christian business!" but is this a case of using the ichthus sell stuff? and in turn, using Christ to sell stuff? isn't that explicitly stated as wrong to do in the bible? not only that, i think that it leads into people feeling badly if we do not support fellow christians even if their work is shoddy, etc.
even farther into the problem is the ichthus itself! is it a symbol? an idol? maybe noone worships it directly, but people "respect" it in some odd manner (and even disrespect it as though it has some power, i.e. Darwin ichthus look-alikes).
all i know for sure is that i find myself shying away from that sort of thing... it's one thing to wear your faith on your sleeve (even clothing yourself in it as you should) but i think this sort of thing is terrible exploitation of the faith showing some of the same things noticed by Martin Luther and why he wrote the 95 Theses on the Catholic church. until then---

2009-09-25T22:58:00.001-07:00

friday morning, i saw a headline on the front page of the New York Times (telling me that it was on a middle page somewhere) that dealt with an important basic right in the United states: or first amendment stating, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." apparently there were/are protesters in Pittsburgh that were speaking out against an assembly of world leaders similar to the one about implementing the WTO in 1999 that became a huge debacle on the side of the Seattle government (where the '99 assembly was held). a very good film was made documenting the event with a fictional story tying everything together called Battle in Seattle. please check it out. but here's the article as i found it on the internet at the Huffington Post:

G20 Protesters Ordered To Stop March By Pittsburgh Police
DANIEL LOVERING and MICHAEL RUBINKAM | 09/24/09 11:23 PM |

PITTSBURGH — Police fired canisters of pepper spray and smoke and rubber bullets at marchers protesting the Group of 20 summit Thursday after anarchists responded to calls to disperse by rolling trash bins, throwing rocks and breaking windows.
Pittsburgh Police Chief Nate Harper said 17 to 19 protesters were arrested, and Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said swift police decisions resulted in minimal property damage. Officials said there were no reports of injuries.
The afternoon march turned chaotic at just about the time that President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama arrived for a meeting with leaders of the world's major economies.
The clashes began after several hundred protesters, many advocating against capitalism, tried to march from an outlying neighborhood toward the convention center where the summit is being held.
The protesters clogged streets, banged on drums and chanted "Ain't no power like the power of the people, 'cause the power of the people don't stop."
The marchers included small groups of self-described anarchists, some wearing dark clothes and bandanas and carrying black flags. Others wore helmets and safety goggles.
One banner read, "No borders, no banks," another, "No hope in capitalism." A few minutes into the march, protesters unfurled a large banner reading "NO BAILOUT NO CAPITALISM" with an encircled "A," a recognized sign of anarchists.
The marchers did not have a permit and, after a few blocks, police declared it an unlawful assembly. They played an announcement over a loudspeaker ordering people to leave and then police in riot gear moved in to break it up. Authorities also used a crowd-control device that emits a deafening siren-like noise, making it uncomfortable for protesters to remain in the streets.
Protesters split into smaller groups. Some rolled large metal trash bins toward police, and a man in a black hooded sweat shirt threw rocks at a police car, breaking the front windshield. Protesters broke 10 windows in a few businesses, including a bank branch, a Boston Market restaurant and a BMW dealership, police said.
Officers fired canisters of pepper spray and smoke at the protesters, set off a flash-bang grenade and fired rubber bullets. Some of those exposed to the pepper spray coughed and complained that their eyes were watering and stinging.
About an hour after the clashes started, the police and protesters were at a standoff. Police sealed off main thoroughfares to downtown.
Twenty-one-year-old Stephon Boatwright, of Syracuse, N.Y., wore a mask of English anarchist Guy Fawkes and yelled at a line of riot police. He then sat cross-legged near the officers, telling them to let the protesters through and to join their cause.
"You're actively suppressing us. I know you want to move," Boatwright yelled, to applause from the protesters gathered around him.
Protesters complained that the march had been peaceful and that police were trampling on their right to assemble.
"We were barely even protesting," said T.J. Amick, 22, of Pittsburgh. "Then all of a sudden, they come up and tell us we're gathered illegally and start using force, start banging their shields, start telling us we're going to be arrested and tear gassed. ... We haven't broken any laws."
Bret Hatch, 26, of Green Bay, Wis., was carrying an American flag and a "Don't Tread on Me" flag.
"This is ridiculous. We have constitutional rights to free speech," he said.
The National Lawyers Guild, a liberal legal-aid group, said one of its observers, a second year law student, was among those arrested. Its representatives were stationed among the protesters, wearing green hats.
"I think he was totally acting according to the law. I don't think he was provoking anyone at all," said Joel Kupferman, a member of the guild. "It's really upsetting because he's here to serve, to make sure everyone else can be protected. ... It's a sign that they are out of control."
The march had begun at a city park, where an activist from New York City, dressed in a white suit with a preacher's collar, started it off with a speech through a bullhorn.
"They are not operating on Earth time. ... They are accommodating the devil," he said. "To love democracy and to love the earth is to be a radical now."
The activist, Billy Talen, travels the country preaching against consumerism. He initially identified himself as "the Rev. Billy from the Church of Life After Shopping."
Such street demonstrations have become the norm at world economic gatherings, including a G-20 meeting in London in April. The protesters here appeared to number fewer than a 1,000, a fraction of the 50,000 that took to the streets of Seattle a decade ago at a World Trade Organization event.
Later Thursday, hundreds of protesters, including a handful of anarchists, massed near the Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Garden where the G-20 summit was beginning with a welcome ceremony.
"Tell me what a police state looks like. This is what a police state looks like!" the protesters chanted as several hundred riot police blocked them from getting any closer.
Police fired smoke canisters on a crowd at night in the city's Oakland section, home to the University of Pittsburgh, after calling for people to disperse, calling it an illegal assembly.
Police had let the crowd, a mix of protesters and students, remain for several hours before issuing the dispersal order. Police appeared to arrest a few people.
Dignitaries arrived in waves throughout the day, entering a city under heavy security. Police and National Guard troops guarded many downtown intersections, and a maze of tall metal fences and concrete barriers shunted cars and pedestrians.
The G-20 ends late Friday afternoon after a day of meetings at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center.
___

Associated Press writers Vicki Smith, Mark Scolforo and Ramit Plushnick-Masti contributed to this report.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/24/g20-protesters-ordered-to_n_298675.html.
there's something that needs to be done. can anybody please tell me how we can allow our basic rights to be taken away from us so freely? they will continue to do so until we stand up for them. it takes knowing what our rights are. educate! if you know, tell your friends! have intelligent conversation. it's our responsibility (stop passing blame!) to ourselves and our polis. for those of us that are God-fearing, this all the more true. until then---

2009-09-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

this past weekend saw the culmination of some serious work put out by one of the upa's youngest club teams, OCD. this team, of which i am a very proud member, had a decent showing this weekend at sectionals held at CSULB, doing just enough to qualify for regionals which will be held in Scottsdale, AZ. this being our second year, we had our eyes set on making it to regionals this year as we had unexpectedly done last year, so we reached our goal.
our trip to AZ will be in less than two weeks (over the weekend of October 3 & 4) and will demand a much more rigorous style of play from this lesser-experienced team. it's a crazy endeavor, but if we do indeed intend to be contenders in the years to come, we will need to see first-hand how some much more experienced teams can play. (making it to nationals would be quite an amazing feat as it is entirely unexpected, and a bit out of most our price range (it's in Sarasota, FL every year...), but hey, it could happen!)
i love playing this game of ultimate so much and i feel so lucky to be able to take part with a team the enjoys playing it, first, because it's fun. it's great to play something that you can be evaluated by peers and not a coach that is playing politics (as is what has ruined a lot of other organized sports i've played in the past). better yet, a sport that you get rewarded simply for playing hard. you play hard/do your best/RUN, you earn the respect of your teammates. it's as simple at that. i love OCD especially because through all of the loses we accrued, we still played hard; and on top of that, partied afterward! can't wait for regionals! until then---

2009-09-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

this is a post responding (or corresponding) with my dear friend's recent post at 50fifty.

i definitely agree with the statement that it seems that Penn is writing about the large subset of Christianity that is rather close-minded and scared of anything outside the box. i think as a Christian, if you haven't asked yourself, "what if there isn't a God" and proved it to yourself in some way, then you may be lacking a large part in your belief in God. if you don't question, you can never learn... it's like being in a relationship with someone and not ever having doubts that the person is the one. but maybe that's the problem with marriage, as evident by the ever-rising divorce rate...

but as an example, i know that some talk of Christians that are "babies of the faith" as in they came to believe at a later time in their lives. i take part in a bible study with people that are ALL older than me by quite a bit (5-10 years at least) and long-time Christians yet last night ran across thoughts from around the room that were like those of said "babies." we were finishing up the epistle to the church of Phillipi that Paul wrote to them from jail. the last chapter is full of great verses (i won't quote them all, read it sometime!) that are often quoted on Christian merchandise or in the church by pastors. we joked that it was a "Paul's Greatest Hits" collection and all i could think of was Boston's first album and greatest hits being one in the same...
basically, what happens is that these lovely gems are taken out of context (as evident by all of them knowing the quotable verses) and people don't understand the purpose for Paul having written them. it's like reading the back cover of a novel and then the last page and deciding you know the whole story. (i actually refrained from even reading Paul's epistles for about 3 years because this happens so often with his writings, and i think that it gave me better perspective as to the purpose of Paul's writings in the bible; the gospel can sustain itself but he's supplemental reading.) what happens is quite evident in the church today: the division, the discrimination, the lack of godly vision, etc., etc. simply because people skim the jewels off the top that they can use immediately and fail to look at the whole picture. no big picture leaves you rather close-minded and the cycle continues...

i also struggle with the idea that people are too focused on heaven (or not wanting to go to hell). i think that i can definitely agree with Penn here, as his point seems to be that Christians don't often enjoy the life that they have here right now. and for this same part of the Christian culture that doesn't look at the big picture, it is usually true. so, i'm going to approach the idea of God wanting more for humanity in a different light: from what i can see, Penn is again looking at this large subset that you mentioned that do indeed "beg the invisible for more." being content with where/who we are now is definitely a large part of being faithful to Christ's teaching (again Paul puts this in the same letter mentioned earlier). "God wanting us to have more" is just the teaching that God has a plan for us. but as i see it, this plan is simply a relationship with him, nothing more nothing less; but with any relationship comes some shedding of some habits and gaining of new ones. this leads to us having "more" since, if you believe in the "God of Abraham," our creator will know how to best use the card dealt to each of us. to me, this is worth more than a ticket to heaven and i think better points to the shortcomings in Penn's argument; due to him picking this subset - and honestly not really doing his homework on the God-fearing faiths as evident in his delineation through forgiveness, acceptance, and suffering, although largely what Christianity is seen as today, to be his basis for there being "no God."

so basically, like Grant, i can agree that it's refreshing to hear someone start their debate in the search for truth with the idea that there simply is no sentient being that may lord over our very lives. however, the full arguments Penn uses only look at a part of the community of believers and not the basis of the faith itself as he should have. but to reiterate Grant's last statements, it's a better conversation. until then---

2009-09-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

i've decided that Disneyland is one of the greatest anomalies in our system. i mean, excuse the fact that it's the self-proclaimed "happiest place on earth" but it defies many things that a lot of amusement parks fall into.
i had the pleasure of enjoying this magical world while on the job earlier this week. my boss wanted to make a trip of it with some other friends (those of which i can call friends as well). i'm just going to say it: five straight guys visiting Disneyland on their own and not to pick up on traveling girls is a bit odd. the fact that it was totally fun and not awkward (as one should expected it to be) seems to be part of the contradiction. i mean where else can a hetero, young man be excited about taking this photo and not be temporarily excommunicated from his friends:

yeah. what up, Stitch. this may have been the highlight of one of the guys' days (i won't mention any names... carlos...), but these characters have made an impression on our childhood that won't go away. (i personally haven't even seen Lilo & Stitch so i have no attachment to this character, but oh, here are others...) the Disney brand has been able to leave an impression on children and adults alike for generations now. whether it's positive or negative, i leave that to the individual, but no matter what there are somethings that seem to get set into our consciousness and subconscious that contradict our reality. the idea of the princess finding her prince is forever embedded into the mind of most women in a world where the majority of Disney-goers don't live where they can even find a prince, let alone true royalty at all. in the US we have people wealthy enough that can be considered an equivalent, but usually there is a lack of prince-like mentality from those born into it.

in creating this resort atmosphere in a city/town (Anaheim) with an economy entirely based on entertainment (Baseball Stadium, Convention Center, Honda Center (home of the Ducks), the Grove, and Disneyland) should be pretty common place with those places in mind. for most people from out of town, this may not be very noticeable as the freeways usher you to straight to this magical world, but for those of us locals, outside of the couple of blocks around Disney is not the palm tree-laden resort that Disney (and Hollywood) has portrayed southern California to be. not that it's ghetto, but...
in short the place is a section of orange county all its own. the fact that there is a "downtown" Disney, even plays into that quite well.

it just may be the equivalent of the Vatican to Rome.

oh and one of my favorite things to find at Disney:

the happiest place on earth: a place where you can find your prince, be gay (and i mean HAPPY :P) with your bros, shake hands with cartoon characters, and know that it's still your choice to recycle or waste... politely (may your conscience be your guide). until then---

2009-08-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

in a random search for a picture of the tiger known as Hobbes (made famous by Bill Watterson's comics), i came across a plethora of images, mainly fan-fic comics and art, that seemed to focus on a future Calvin: teenager, college, or even grown up with kids of his own. i came across one in particular that struck me. it led me to think of problems that we seem to have in raising our kids nowadays and where our focus lies as we get older. here's the comic below:

the loss of imagination is huge, but the real thing that stuck was why Calvin ignores Hobbes. "mom says the pills must be working"? the kid that i remember being so much like a no-holds-barred, adventurous youth that i could identify with, and yet, quite pensive and intelligent in the way that he viewed life around him has need for pills? i can only assume he was diagnosed as A.D.D. or something because he didn't have the drive to focus on the menial tasks of homework assigned to him by his teacher, Ms. Wormwood. sure, he always came up with excuses, did what ever he could to get out of doing the work, or did what he thought would be acceptable (like giving the honest answer, "i don't know," to an entire set of questions assigned), but his sense of what was important to him always appeared intact.
this comic, obviously trying to make a statement, got me thinking about all the people that i know, including me, that may have have had a drive for something when young that was put to the wayside because of the ambitions forced upon you by a system that seems to want to create us all in the same image.
so what happens to the Calvin in us? why have the vast majority of us decided to take the pills handed to us? better yet, why are we being handed pills in the first place? i feel that the last one is easiest to answer, but then someone will start spouting conspiracy theories (probably me!).
but in all seriousness, seeing a comic like this disturbs me. (well, maybe a little less because someone else out there notices this problem and is using Calvin to make a point. i see it as a negative, but i don't know the authors purpose so i might have jumped the gun on my little bit of congruency with someone out there :P ) either way you look at it, there is something inhibiting the normal function of humanity: to follow your innate dreams and desires. i can only recall Calvin hurting one person following his ambitions, and that is Suzie but usually he got his just deserts! (learning consequences through failure... no babying there!) regardless, kids should play and there are too many things out there trying to stop them. grownups need to play, too. i strongly believe that growing up is learning to play responsibly... mom and dad shouldn't have to be there to tell you when to come in for dinner/bedtime/homework. you're on your own, take responsibility, not a pill. until then---

2009-08-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

thoughTs whIle StariNG at A WalL

first, i think that i love the way Elton John sings the word "funny." have a listen sometime.

second, Silversun Pickups (SSPU) rock my world. i just picked up Swoon, their second release and i'm entirely stoked to finally listen through. the first single was solid and is actually only the third single ever from an independent label (Dangerbird Records) to hit #1 on Billboard (a story on it here)
when we were in japan, glenn and i were toying with the idea of trying to court Dangerbird with our album once it gets finished. i think that they must be doing something right: SSPU isn't exactly the pop band that seems to be the norm to top billboard with solid songs that definitely breach the 4-5 minute mark that get radio play. please don't get me wrong. nothing can be taken away from SSPU's pure tenacity when it comes to doing their thing, but in a world where there are many great bands that will never see the stage the way SSPU does now simply because of how labels have generally ruined the music business, Dangerbird has managed to fly. until then---

2009-07-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

sunday was my bands first show back in the states after coming back from our month-long Japan tour. nothing says 'welcome back to the States' like a battle of the bands, right? well not only that, it was a typical LA/OC set up: crappy.
the way that most gigs go in LA/OC is what's called "pay-to-play". promoters try to hide it by just saying that you have to sell tickets to pay off what you owe. haha, "what you owe." it's funny that we owe money for providing entertainment! it was bad for us before, but now that we've been to a place where a venues entertainment is treated as such (with respect and with a real opportunity to make money, a SOUNDCHECK, thorough communication about the agenda of the show, etc.), we are even more disappointed in the way that things are run here in our home town by promoters that don't do much in the way of promotion...
it's not so much that things are run so differently from the business-side of things; the live houses do indeed have to make money. so many of them have a minimum ticket sales amount (10 was the highest we saw all month), and after that, rather than giving bands everything, they split the earnings evenly. you also pay after your show, giving you a chance to have your fans actually come to the venue and support you with out a band having to deliver all of the tickets in the weeks/days before the show or pay out of pocket straight away for your fans that are coming... it makes it more so that you don't have to know all your fans' numbers... maybe expanding your fanbase? (what a concept!)
the real battle now is the fight for change in these corrupted business practices. the music scene has gotten so bad here because of these money-grubbing corporate whores that have ruined it. they main problem is that they apparently don't care about music that won't make them loads of cash; i.e. sugar-sweet pop. (what those of us working really hard to do our own thing call "selling out". we were actually told to do this by the judges at the aforementioned battle... sad. also! they told us that this was the only way that we would make it in the music business! flat out! i was appalled, but it was news that i already knew about the state of the business, sadly.)
how do we affect change? pooling together those involved to force it upon those holding the infrastructure in place! we did a radio show last night at Flash Rock internet radio that made me hopeful. please check it out!
anyway, i'm not really sorry about the rant, but i hope that it was informative and not just stupid... like a lot of rants can be. until then---

2009-06-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

i've remembered why i often don't like taking pictures: i feel like i'm missing the experience/moment that i'm trying to capture. i now feel bad for photographers.

i've now had to try to explain "Why Japan?" enough times to come up with a good answer. This being especially since i can't just try to explain my fascination with the green versus gray that is so stark yet an obvious result of Japanese existence. (Southern California just doesn't get that sort of vegetation.) Basically, last night i was asked this question by another performer. i started with something simple, the train system, but knew he wanted more than that. i did, too, so i referenced his set of music (he had already played by then, and made the effort to translate what his songs were about for just us! too considerate!). one of his songs he mentioned was about the need for all people of the world to work as one. this is a common thread in all of Japanese culture and life. i explained that this idea of working for a greater good was something i admired and enjoyed living during my time in Japan especially since that is not a common threat in the States. he went on to say that this happens as an effect of imitation and no sense of individuality which is why he admires the US: 'you can do/be who you want, say what you want and not have the government or those around us bring us down.' (i didn't want to burst his bubble and tell him that the US is losing the battle of holding on to these founding principles, but assuming that we weren't steadily losing our constitutional rights, i completely agree with him. so i told him so!)
basically, we had an understanding of both sides of the coin: Japanese culture can achieve its "oneness" due to their ability to assimilate and imitate while the US's "freedom" and "individuality" make that same goal near impossible. and with all honesty, i see more possibility in individuals working as one no matter how difficult. but lately i just think that we're (the US) is headed in the wrong direction... until then---

2009-05-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

thOUGhtS While STaRing At A wAlL

...or while talking to my brother on the phone. we got into this conversation about nothing really important of course (pirating my band's new album that is soon-to-be-released), but somehow, the topic allowed for an off-the-cuff pirate v. ninja comment from me, which then led to a very "insightful" conversation:

we first discussed why have pirates and ninja become such a fascination with this generation? well, this generation of internet users in particular? our obvious answer is because they are generally all around awesome. but they are so often pitted against each other, like one has to be better than the other. i mean this isn't like the epic "who would win" match up that we get with comparisons of MacGyver v. Jack Bauer v. Chuck Norris. this has just become a battle of words with very little proof (i mean how many have seen either in action?).

yet, my brother and i were able to come up with some conclusions. because i stated that i leaned more toward the ninja camp due to me having seen more ninjas with my two eyes than pirates, we both were able to recall a recent pirate incident which proved their current relevance. awesome.

even though this did not solve the issue of which is better (i'm basically calling it even for me now), we then got into the thought process of what a pirate's purpose even was. we realized that although they plunder much booty, you've never heard of them ever spending said booty (those in the form of treasure, of course) especially since they take whatever rum (or other beverages... as to not stereotype, haha) from whomever they please as well as any other essentials for that matter. so, we decided, what separates pirates from a Robin Hood? the only difference we found was that pirates are more capitalistic rather than socialist: since they bury their treasure, they only bring down the rich, while not directly lifting the poor. either class has the chance to find the treasure as long as they are willing to put in the work for it. most white-collars would either send lackeys to find it, or just rely on their old tricks that have worked in the past to elevate themselves once again. but a blue-collar can dig, and will dig, to achieve his riches. until then---

2009-04-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

a comparison:

most of you know that i'm in a band, and even more of you know that we are currently finishing up with recording and mixing down our new album. in this process, having done some recording before and having friends/acquaintances that know much more about recording than us (including our current engineer, of course), we have run across some new technologies that are indeed crazy! some would even venture into the words "unfair" or "wrong" (some definitely being me). what i'm talking about mainly are these new pitch correction abilities that we have available to us in recording software (obviously digital recording). these will make anyone, i mean ANYONE, sound as though they can sing in tune. yeah, that includes those that can't sing, but are beautiful, "easily marketable" people that you'll see outselling every artist that actually spent time working on their art as a trade and a way of life. if i recall, there was a time when if you weren't good at something, you wouldn't get to do it as your job...
but here's my comparison: these new technologies, although they can be helpful in a lot of ways, have seemed to hurt us in more. let's take the two forms of entertainment affected by similar issues: modeling/acting and performing music. for a model, the person (product) has to be good as what they do. something we call "raw talent." the look, an attitude or whatever it is that attracts us to these type of people, they've got it. not the next step is to photograph them. this weeds out a lot of people that may have everything else but the ability to show it to a camera. that's just personality, folks. but the fact is with the new technologies, a last step has come into play: editing, which then allows all of the same people that didn't have the raw talent have a chance at taking away from the opportunities that the actual talented products could have had. makeup, is bad enough, but when you're taking a far skinnier body and attaching someone else head to it and then selling that magazine cover?! there is a huge problem! not only that it saturates the market and, therefore, makes it far more difficult for the consumer to weed out the good from the bad. (i believe that the big whigs don't want us to realize it anyway!)
so how does this compare to music? i'm sure you understand the idea of raw talent. i have run into so many great musicians along my journey that i'm flabbergasted at the prospect of most of them never being heard outside of the street corner, or coffee shop that i hear them in. next is connecting with the masses with a live show and/or recording that just does it. the problem comes into play with the recording technology making it impossible to know the good from bad. i don't understand how a musical artist can have an amazing recording and not be able to perform it live... (like they did in the studio?) again, the digital technology has allowed us to be able to spread music at a more rapid rate, but at what quality? and now, i ask, what cost? i know that editing an mixing has always been a large part of the recording process, but that is like makeup. you can sense the raw talent there... it's not someone else body.
until then---

2009-04-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

tHoUGhts wHile StaRIng at a WAll

disclaimer: this really has nothing to do with april fool's day. i promise.

an ethical question maybe. scenario: you're at work, and the day is winding down. you have hours before you're off but you are an efficient worker and have your deadlines all caught up. your boss comes in and tells you, "you can leave early today...," as in now.
here's the question: after that moment, you, the non-salaried worker, are stoked because you're leaving early, but should you be? since you are non-salaried, wouldn't that mean that you won't get paid for the time that you're not at work? does the boss do this just to save some money for the company and make him look good? or, since you've still gotten the work done that you had to in that day, and were scheduled to work from 8-5, you should not have to worry about missing a couple of hours and expect pay for a full day (i.e. your boss rules)?

until then---

2009-02-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

thOUGhTS While StarINg At a WALl

why the heck can't i find a video of President Obama's address to congress last night? it doesn't make sense that i can find almost every television show that i missed last night, but i can't find an untainted (no pundits) replay of the leader of the United States addressing the people we elect to represent us. the closest thing that i've found for far is a transcript and audio. although this is cool because it will work, i'm pissed. internets: where are you now when i wanted you to come through? *shaking fist*

until then---

2009-01-20T08:48:00.000-08:00

crap, i've neglected to post since last year. happy new year?
well it's been good thus far, but my purpose in posting has to do with this historical day in which the United States inaugurates its first black president into office. it falls on a day conveniently directly following a holiday celebrating a man that dreamed that one day this would be acceptable to all people alike... regardless of "race, color, or creed."
but this being that sort of day, i still look at this inauguration as i have any other: there's plenty of hope to go around, but the promises promised aren't up to the president to deliver. as the people of this republic, we have a responsibility to make sure that those promises are kept. this man we've elected has even stated himself (probably more eloquently of course) that he is just a man, and a man alone can do nothing, but with the will of the people we together can move forward to create change. the fact is, he's being placed into a system that doesn't favor change... which was his entire campaign platform. the problems that are now inherent in the system are what cause good people/politicians to fall away from their positive movements in society. these same problems cause me to think of inauguration as The Who states in "Won't Get Fooled Again":

And the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

until then---

2008-11-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

has it really been a year?

honestly, to me it seems like so much has happened since then, it's ridiculous. wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving... Health Tip: for the most pridefully, glutenous day of the year, that is; if you eat smaller portions throughout the entire day, you can eat EVEN MORE turkey. until then---

2008-11-13T17:52:00.001-08:00

i was tagged:

so, as much as these sort of things aren't my favorite things to do, i've been in a saucy mood lately... or maybe it's been boredom. here it goes:

1. i've done my own hair for about 4 years and i don't think it looks bad... i've even been asked by stylists (notice it's plural) "who does your hair?"

2. although i profess the Christian faith, i was christened/dedicated when i was very young, but i've not been baptized by a church/pastor in water by submersion. i simply don't believe it's necessary.

3. my dad was teaching me piano when i was 8. i learned enough to get by, but i hated the damn thing (i still have problems today, although i now wish i'd have learned it fully then) and naively told him, "you don't see pianos in a band!" three things from that: 1) i obviously have been chasing that dream for a long time, 2) i grew up in the 80s, like most anyone that'd be reading this... there were PLENTY of pianos/keyboards in bands!, and 3) after that, he handed me a clarinet...

4. i've broken into a girlfriends' mothers' house to get her textbooks for her, then had to walk back to school (about 7 miles) coz another friend drove his bug (not mine... mine was fine that day!) and it wouldn't start when we were rushing off coz her mom was coming home (there's more travel stuff, but it's not important... you can ask if you want to know)... we made it back to school just before the last bell - in time to find out i had been elected ASB president...

5. i voted no on 8.

my parents, and their siblings, etcetera didn't.

6. the late Don LaFontaine is my second cousin. by marriage of course.

7. i know that i talk a lot and i've begun to think that it's because i'm really insecure about myself. the more i know i know about myself, the less i know.

thank you, joy, for forcing this upon me ;P Grant and Christina are the only ones left that haven't been tagged that i know of... do it! until then---

2008-11-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in you lap. The drill drills on. - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p 33.

after 3 weeks, i feel i'm actually at the point where i can truly let the drill drill on. until then---

2008-10-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

i voted today! yet another exhilarating experience. for those interested in how i chose to vote, here's a recap of my line:

yes
no
for her
for him
but not him... definitely not him...

until then---

2008-10-14T21:21:00.001-07:00

there are some days in which i hate my life.

yeah girl trouble again. it may really be over. until then---

2008-09-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

THouGHTS WhILE StArinG at A Wall

if we are to be an effective part, or better yet, leader of the United Nations, shouldn't the U.S. be a united nation?

until then---

2008-09-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

thoUGHtS WhiLe sTARing at A Wall

the drive home was absolutely silent.

after a day of busy eccentricities, his mind wandered, following the white lines on the asphalt as they flew past. he couldn't think of anything to say to her as she was equally silent and wasn't sure that he should speak. 'is that being selfish? am i just a prick?'

often times he knows that he can be this way to the dismay of many others. opinions come cheap to him but with a heavy burden on those around. 'i'll forgive him for that, but do i dare tell him so?' she only cares about losing him - 'there's no one better for me - if there is, i've no need to find out.'

getting out of the car he waves, "thanks for the ride" - the only words spoken between them for months lingered in the humid night air with no response.

until then---

2008-08-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

thOUGHts WhiLE StaRing AT a Wall

what if we started over?

"hello, i'm __"
"i'm __, nice to meet you." *smile*
it's a lovely smile and i feel attached to it already. her beautiful, blue eyes pierce my very being and send my mind whirling through thoughts of the future - house, cars, kids. but we're here. now. i have to remember that.
whatever past she carries is less important than the present. whatever future either of us thinks of is not now and should not be considered in getting to know her here. now.
it doesn't matter that we set this up. it doesn't matter that we do have a past... with each other. that's not important now. it's important that i still love her. that although i know the past, it's where we go from here. now.

until then---

2008-08-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

i know that it's bad timing, but i had to ask myself some questions last night and this morning that i wish that i didn't have to ask.
i received a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday from an old friend that i haven't actually seen or ever really in probably two years. not only that, we dated a few years before that so that seems like it'd be awkward, right? well let's just say that the beginning of our friendship from when we met in our junior year at a leadership camp at Pepperdine U. began with years of not seeing each other, but keeping contact. she's a musician, a great one at that, and we share much in common in that regard. the guy that finally caught her though, has to be a special gentleman... i thought that it would be impossible for this gypsy woman to settle down, but it seems she's found her match and i'm happy for her. in the handmade, personalized invitation (as a "passport" - highly appropriate...), she talks about the things that she and i talked about as we broke off our brief time together as a couple. she found someone that completes her as the other half. it sounds simple and obvious, but for people like us, to find such an extreme opposite to balance us is rare. sure, there are things that will find much middle ground and even things that the other will love that we'll have an ability for, but there's no way that we could love it as much. i read the invitation and just yearned for my girlfriend and i to be able to get pass the problems presented by her parents. i believe that that same bond that my friend has with her fiancee, i have with my girlfriend.
the reason this is so hard today in particular is that we celebrate four years (loosely) together as a couple. but for me, i'm beginning to wonder what it is that we're celebrating or what there really is to celebrate. for three of those years, she wouldn't tell her parents about her dating me and in this past year with her being more assertive towards them, still having no progress in her ability to truly commit herself to us, even as a dating couple. maybe i'm being conceited. i don't know anymore. but i've been at the point of not knowing whether when the question really comes up, if she'd actually want to become one with me in the eyes of God. i want to celebrate the happiness that we have together, but the cloud that looms is thicker than ever separating us from that happiness oh too frequently. again, i don't know, but when i think about what could be and then see what is, find it hard to celebrate and in these times regret being a realist. four years. wow. is that commitment so much to ask? until then---

2008-08-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

on the return trip from a long day of work - music lessons and the norm - i was driving my Exploder and observed in my line of sight a really cool thing that made me happy. you know: warm and fuzzy happy. a man - most likely a father - and a little girl were out getting exercise together. the man was definitely getting his run on - the sweat had already stuck the upper-half of his shirt to his back and chest - while his daughter rode her little pink bike with much joy and fervor, having no problem keeping up with her daddy. just the idea that staying in shape, probably after a long days work and a very important habit to hold on to, includes procuring some quality time with your child and instilling a good habit in her. i just had thoughts of doing that later in life with my child... warm... fuzzy... not the children. until then---

2008-06-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

just when you think you'd lasted a whole month without me...
i was on my way back from my guitar lesson today when i began just randomly thinking about a friend that works with my girlfriend that she gets into lunch-time religious conversations with. i don't know exactly how they go, but i found myself really wanting to have a conversation with the gent as i've never spoken with him about such matters. but i then went into a thorough process that made me go back to a time in which i feel i was reading the Word more and was more outward with my faith in general. i then realized that i haven't really been challenged with the people around me searching for Truth or for answers in general. i guess that on my own, i don't really know what questions to try to find answers to. i'd be a poor reporter apparently.
but looking back even farther than college, i remember holding many a conversation with a neighbor across the street, Nick, who had so many questions that he'd come and ask me about. this would usually happen on days that i wasn't allowed to go out and play, so this is what happened: Nick would come over and ask if i could come out and play (this should also date this too... elementary school, maybe some middle school) and whether i'd answer the door or not, i was allowed, for some reason, to talk with him untilhe had to go home. so i'd stand at the screen door inside, he'd stand outside and we would talk about faith, religion, and other things that, looking back, seem far too bizzare for children to be worried with. but we were asking real questions. things that i know that have been asked by college students, adults, and seminary graduates.
not that i had, or have the answers, it was fun for me to be able to know where to find them, and look for them. the search for the pertinence of God was more than the walk itself it seems. i feel that it's just become a walk, and i'm not sitting well with that. i've been learning a lot about God though reading the Word in a forum study and through personal search through another man, Clive Staples Lewis', work. but i feel as though my own work has not been as fruitful because it doesn't have the right questions even if it has the "right" answers. every once in a while there will be a gem, but my said challenges in my faith are wearing thin and so are, i feel, the diamonds. until then---

2008-05-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

i am continuing my reading through C.S. Lewis' work and am now on "The Problem of Pain." this one, being much more philosophical in nature, is a much thicker read in content but merely 160ish pages. it never ceases to amaze me the relevance that Lewis has today when he was writing to a culture without many of the amenities that we currently enjoy. but i figure that it's appropriate that this is so since we are dealing with the same problems globally that existed in his time or are a cause of the problems that were created in that time. anyway, i wanted to share a quote found on page 31 in this edition that i think that anyone can benefit from, even those that don't believe in a Creative Being that defined all we know:

By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness; and in this we might be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness -- the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long at they are contented?' We want , in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven -- a senile benevolence who, as they say, 'liked to see young people enjoying themselves', and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, 'a good time was had by all'. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds. I do not claim to be an exception: I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don't, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction. (any emphasis added is from myself)

just sharing... wow. until then---

2008-04-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

so i saw this petition thing on facebook regarding ABC's debate last Wednesday. it asks ABC to "Stop Distracting America!" it links to the "Enough Distractions" campaign brought by MoveOn.org Political Action™. even without seeing the debate, i know exactly what they're talking about. i can't bear to watch much of the coverage after the primaries and cringed at the coverage before that. i figured that i'd share what i wrote:

Not only are "debates" such as these making a mockery of American politics but ignoring candidates that don't buy into your corrupt media output and might take away from your money-making political tabloids is unacceptable and destroys the democracy in our republic. Your abuse of the power of media is appalling and must be cleaned up if we are to remedy the problems that this nation faces. It reflects poorly on the US other nation's eyes and causes larger riffs between our nation and others as well. A major power in the world is slowly becoming like the dictatorships and third world countries that US forces have spent so much time policing. Where is the media that is actually looking for the real information that affects the people? When I can get better/more accurate news from other nation's news sources, there is definitely a problem. It is fair for the people to demand that you FIX IT!

hopefully they actually read these so i think that calling them out is a good thing. check it out here: http://pol.moveon.org/enoughdistractions/?rc=fb let your voice matter! until then---

2008-04-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

so for those that might be interested, i just did a pretty massive update in The Notebook (it's over there, too -->). i put them in order of the dates that i actually entered them into my writing notebook that i carry with me just about everywhere so the earliest one is in there from august 07... it's been a while since i've transferred anything over to the site...

oh well, i think that there's some pretty solid stuff in there... most of them i feel will be songs, if they aren't already. until then---

2008-03-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

a message to those who hate me for no reason:
you know who you are, and so do many others.
but i'm weary of this battle, things are foggy at best
and i know that i can't gain any headway.
it's not my place to do any more than what i have thus far
but i've tried anyway, to no avail and it's taken it's toll.
i must say though that you must know that it's wrong
to hold so tightly to an idea that has failed.
your mind is quite clouded to believe as you do
and then say that you follow the Way and the Truth.
i needed to write this as i know that i've found
that i am not the one who can win this war
and i abdicate my post in hopes that a victory is possible.
i don't believe this is me in defeat
but realizing the need for a change
to advance the purpose of the conflict
and to resolve the issues lying within
you and the one with whom the power lies with.

until then---

2008-03-03T10:49:00.000-08:00

ThouGHTs WHiLE STARing at A wAll

many days i wish that i had a recorder somehow attached to my being that had capability to be played back on command. for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to work that way...

until then---

2008-02-06T08:18:00.001-08:00

yeah yeah it's been a while, blah blah blah....

those of you that have been to my place, know that i have a humble fish tank. and many fish in it that i love... well one of them is questionably taking advantage of that...
anyway, as with most fish tanks, death occurs as a part of the fish cycle. since these are not normal goldfish, they should generally last longer. i actually think they'd out last me if they could find food themselves...
but that brings me to today, this morning, a couple of minutes ago. i walk in to feed the remaining fish since Isamu's passing a few weeks ago - he apparently got a bit sick after his fins were slowly bitten to pieces by Lily, a much larger, genetically enhanced fish that used to be the size that Isamu only got to and also therefore had some issues swimming. the fish remaining: the five original tetra (The Quintetras), Lily, and a small catfish, Waldo. so here's the normal deal: i walk in the the living room to the tank, Lily comes up to the top smacking her ginormous mouth, i place a pinch of food above her and a pinch nearer where the other fish are so that they can get some without her noticing. btw, this is a GOLDFISH... a now extremely territorial goldfish. anyway, this is not how it goes down. i walk in, and Lily is nowhere near the top, which i think is odd, but i feed first ask questions later. i do this and watch as the tetras hide in a corner of the tank that they usually don't, Lily is in the opposite corner of course, but she' got her ginormous mouth open and it looks as though she can't get something out. at first i just think 'it's probably just a rock that went a little too far... it'll come out.' then i think, 'where's Waldo?... HOLY CRAP!' since Lily has her ginormous mouth open toward me i can kind of see inside of it. i swear that i found Waldo. she freaking ate Waldo and he's sucking on her insides for dear life! nature, man. i guess that's why she isn't hungry.
anyway, i don't think that there's anything i can do for them... they will have to duel it out. if it was a rock, i'd try to get it out, but in this case i'd kill them both, and it'd be a less awesome death... after all i'm no vet. next time you come over, i might have some new fish... we'll see, i might just fill the tank with tetras. until then---

2007-12-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

for those that didn't realize it, i'm golden for a year from yesterday at 1918. until then---

2007-12-19T19:12:00.000-08:00

as of late, i've been trying to dedicate even more of my time (like i don't already) to figuring out ways to get kindred fall (my band - for those that didn't know that...) more out in the world. more renown. we are making plans to record this winter, and trying to find someone to record us for a low cost on our end is going to be tough but i've already gotten some bites. we've got some solid new tunes that need to be put on record... also so that we can get a drummer to learn the parts much faster.

along with that, i'd like to be making a bit of money, so merchandising is key. aside from selling the albums once their done, we will need some shirts, etc. to sell along with it. we have tried some inexpensive methods, but listen to this one: we put the shirt designs up online. fans looking to buy the shirt, go out an purchase a blank (or not) t-shirt, tank-top, sweatshirt, or other apparel that they know fits them and that they want a kindred fall logo on. they then send us the apparel and we'll custom make it based on the fans' preferences as indicated in the order. then, of course, we'll send it back. awesome, no? i'm really trying to get a feel for the idea - to see if anyone i even know would be interested in the idea... if it were a band they actually liked and not just their friend's band. anyway, it's a time of change, and of doing thing "right", i guess, and i'm looking for some friendly confirming help. help? until then---

2007-12-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

so today, i saw another one of those "God Bless America" stickers. i am obviously adverse to them in some way... anyway, the first thing that i noticed on this sticker is that 'God bless' is almost unreadable, and if they really were looking for God to bless this nation, they would want to emphasize the fact that God is that One that they are trying to get the attention pointed towards. otherwise, it's just some sort of twisted nationalism.

i'd guess that simply because of my questioning of the placement of words and of the nature of the person with the sticker (they also had a tow hitch cover with the iconic ichthys below the statement "HEAVEN BOUND") is not only bad for my faith, but also questioning my loyalty for the country in which i live. of course, i know that this is not true. that i, like many others (Michael Moore, Ron Paul, Jon Foreman, etc.) are advocates for the rights that we as Americans have but have not taken advantage of in many many years.

we have more recently as a nation become sheep, blindly following our "leaders" who also love to wear their own blinders. the problem is that our shepherds let the ones that go astray (the advocates for change) be devoured by the lions. especially if it hurts their pockets. i just started reading "Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold" by Clive Staples Lewis and a character in it called the Fox, a Greek slave brought in to teach the heirs to the throne, says two things that have already struck me: "Are not all men of one blood?" and earlier, "No man can be an exile if he remembers that all the world is one city." these statements are now considered revolutionary but really are no different than the teachings of many prophets of many religions around the world. Jesus, in his interpretation of the ancient Jewish teachings, Hindu and Buddhist teachings, and many of the philosophers of the ancient world (Confucius, Socrates, etc.) all taught from this same "revolutionary" stance. the people of the world are all important, and the only time to take any action that may (note: not will) harm another is when the importance of the worth of humanity is being compromised.

I recently read or heard someone that said that once he realized that the prophets were the champions of the people, not the kings, the Bible made more sense. that's life in a nutshell isn't it? the prophets aren't the power behind the execution of the law, the people are, but they abdicate their power to someone that they think will wield it in their favor without remembering what the prophets told them of. so they end up suffering needlessly at the hands of a newly elected (by the mob in battle, or by votes, or both in the same) leader.

basically, this all leads to a change in thought. if those of us with faith in Gods existence and power would stop buying in to the idea that America is IT; would listen closely to the prophets and act on the truths they speak; think on our own terms and not our leaders'; allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to see others for how they are, not what their painted for us to be; then maybe God can bless humanity... American included. until then---

2007-11-19T17:32:00.000-08:00

the truth is spoken:

from Bryan Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness.

everything does not suck. until then---

2007-11-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

ThOUghts WHilE sTariNG at A wAll

i was asked along with some current Chapmanites to play on the finale at a choir festival of sorts held in a Morman church in Irvine. (i may write more specifically about it later.) it left me wondering, is it possible to respect all other religions and not forsake the truth of your own - namely the Truth that Christ spoke of? i believe so. but if that is the case, why do we have Christian leaders forsaking the Truth just for the sake of respecting other's gods? until then---

2007-11-05T16:08:00.000-08:00

tHouGHts While STARing AT A Wall

the other day i was having a discussion with a friend explaining things that i thought were cool about driving in other countries that i've been to. being that i've been only to Japan and Italy, this is obviously a generalization, but hear me out.

my experience in Italy was great and it was interesting to observe the brashnes of their driving style. the fast lane is truly the FAST lane; if you're in the left lane and someone is coming up behind you on the autostrade flashing their brights from a chilometre away, you'd better move out of the way, or you'll get run over. lanes are merely a suggestion there, as well as speed limits.

in Japan, people flash their brights to let you go ahead of them... even at a yielding left turn - if there is more traffic that needs to turn across, you let them go! also, every train track is like a stop sign... they're pretty much the only "stop signs" there. bicycles are neither a motor vehicle or pedestrian, but some sort of hybrid of the two that allow them to have the right of way on the road and the sidewalk.

these driving styles are quite different from each other but work very well in their respective countries. i was out today in traffic an realized that that may be one of the problems of our situation in California... in our melding of cultures and societies, we've not allowed for a solid driving identity; we've mixed some things that shouldn't be mixed and that's why good driving is so hard to find. there could be some deeper meaning...

also these "thoughts" aren't supposed to be this long. until then---

2007-11-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

a man - mildly scruffy, yet not too noticably, but definitely a bit dirty - walks into the front office from the warehouse that he works in. as he walks through to pick up some papers, he non-chalantly notices a face he recognizes in the few people waiting for service in the early hours of the morning.

"how's it going, jerry? long time no see!"

there's never any direct eye contact

"things are good. just waiting to have some work done. how are things with you?"

the man, now headed directly back to the warehouse and already almost out the door -

"just another day in paradise."

ok, so i witnessed basically this exact conversation. i was mildly perplexed at the man's response. 'is he being sarcastic, or is he serious?' i mean, yeah, this is california and all, but paradise? we were in a place just outside of Garden Grove in yet another industial park, they guy worked in a warehouse, and he said his last response a bit too happy for him to be completely serious... right? i just had to mark this down... it was a weird moment for me. i wasn't sure if i wanted him to be serious about being in paradise or not. i'm still not. but one thing that i must add is that this whole time, and the remainder of the time waiting, we could hear another warehouse guy singing his heart out - almost obnoxiously, but it was great - to whatever tune there was on in the warehouse. he even came in to use the restroom and was pounding on the wall at one point in beat with whatever he was whistling as he came in the door. now that's pure joy... or he's hiding something :) until then---

2007-11-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

friendship is a very interesting thing when you think about it. i recently was talking to a friend that stated (jokingly... well, at least that was his disclaimer): "we never hang out, so you're not really my friend." the weird thing for me about this statement is that we happened to be hanging out, all be it with a larger group, but none the less...

anyway, i feel that this sort of attitude begs the question of what friendship is or means to an individual. I hate to pick on this person, but another time - maybe even the same day - he stated: "yeah, she's not really a friend; she only calls me when she needs something." well yeah, that shouldn't be the only time that you want to see a friend, but that mere fact that you are relying on a friend in a time of need (or want) shows some sort of reliance. is that reliance a part of friendship? maybe.

the way i see it, friends are made by accident and random occurrence. common interests lead to being in the same place at the same time, and the first person to start up a conversation - verbal or non-verbal - initiates the potential friendship. when does the relationship move from a mere acquaintance to a friendship? i don't know, and maybe that's what my friend means by not really being a friend, but i do know that even though we don't hang out all that much, i would be at his side if he needed me and i'm sure that he'd do the same.

those common interests may be a door that leads to something deep, or something simple or shallow. when the entryway is shallow, that may be the acquaintance. how do we know if it's deep or not? well that's tough for me too, because when i think of something deeper, i think that it must relate somehow with the love that we are to show to our fellow human. if we should love everyone, how could anyone be worth any less to us? well for starters, we'd probably go crazy trying to keep up with everyone that important in our lives - it's hard enough as it were with friends in the hundreds... probably not even. but imagine the billions of people... we're talking God status here. the impossibility of this is actually unfathomable in itself for me. but what makes me say that i would be at my friend's side in a time of need when i'm not there just to hang out? idunno, but i have faith in that love that will make it true when it's tested.

maybe that's the difference. what you put in is what you get out. sometimes you get out more, sometimes you give more. but if you're keeping score, that's not love. so if you don't consider someone your friend, i guess consider what you've put in before what you've received. at least that's something to think about.

there seems to be a lot that i don't know about this, but i was just intrigued by the notion. i will not apologize for it :) i love you all, my friends (mi amigos, mi amici, mes amis, meine freunde, waga furenzu). until then---

2007-10-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

ThougHTs WHile StARing at A Wall

...or while staring at a license plate holder that reads:

GOD

BLESS AMERICA

i began rapidly thinking about the opposite possibility: GOD DAMN AMERICA

then i began thinking about the differences in inflection and punctuation that makes very cool things possible. between the both of these statements, there are many changes in meaning and tone that can occur. the same three words can make you a nice person, a sarcastic person, a "godly" person, a hater, and on and on. i'm interested to see what people come up with... i think that there's one that i'd like to see America truly use... it'll be better than bombs. until then---

2007-10-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

"The Screwtape Letters", a brilliant collection of letters compiled (and written) by Clive Staples Lewis, is quite a work. like "Mere Christianity," it deals with many of the same simplicities of Chritianity but in a fashion much more cynical of very specific courses of life. even more cynical is the piece "Screwtape Proposes a Toast" that was written later as a separate work (only a few pages long) from the 'letters' but uses the same cynical character to be the face of his own voice. i just finished reading these both and wish that i could prove to be as brilliantly poised in my cynicism as Lewis has proven to be. i don't know that everyone that has read his work has come to fully understand what he was saying, but i must say that however much of his criticisms of the world and religions of his day were true, i can definitely find him to be prophetic in much of his writing as i see that the majority of it has strong ties to the truths of todays society. i may give more specifics on a later date, but i'm just going to suggest a read of both of these works: i don't see how anyone would not feel a need to make a change after doing so. until then---

2007-10-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

i'm scared of myself... or should i be proud? i'm turning business savvy, i think? SAVE THE ABBEY!! until then---

2007-10-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

so i've been reading Clive Staples Lewis' "Mere Christianity" slowly through the summer and more rapidly recently. i started it on the plane to Japan didn't read it much while there or much right when i returned to the states but i've been free to read quite a bit while i'm at work care taking... or on call to care take. (i've got free time, hence the plethora of updates.) Anyway, i acquired the book from the then soon to be Mrs. Choate because she wasn't for the style in which the book was written. i didn't really think that i'd get the chance to read it as soon as i did, but i've been wanting to read it for quite some time. it was a part of a long list of other books that i have yet to read and constantly forget that i want to buy or check out so that i can read them...

anyway, although i am not quite finished, i definitely have enjoyed reading this book. it is interesting to find things that plenty of people around me have probably picked out from this text to apply in their own lives or to preach at others. there are plenty of things in here that i have taken from others to apply to my own life and to preach to others. the first thing like this that i can remember is early on in the book when Lewis is comparing a world where people's morals led them to admire those that ran away in battle or someone that sells out his closest friends to a world where 2+2=5. for those that are into radiohead (or maybe even not into them) you would recognize that from their 2005(?) release, Hail to the Thief. and being that Lewis is well renown in the world outside of Christianity, i believe that Thom Yorke may be referencing this passage and may have possibly read this book sometime in his past. who knows? but i began thinking a lot more about it and immediately hooked my attention more closely to what was being said.

C.S. Lewis just seems to have a way to explain things so simply as if it were common knowledge, but often very obviously states that it is not... even in the Christian world. something that i read today struck me when i paired it with what i was reading yesterday. Lewis spends time making effort to explain his view on the existence of God being outside of time; that God sees everything (all time) as the present. today i was reading more about the the role of Jesus and how He had always been just as God has always been. i began thinking of the people that get stuck on the "problem" of any God followers that died before Christ came into the world as a man and died for everyone to free them from salvation. also, in the same vein, if God knew already that humanity was going to fall and that we were going to need salvation from the death of His Son why didn't he remedy the situation from the start? well, if you think about the idea that God sees everything as the present, He did in fact solve the problem from the start. just another thing that we (generally) don't give God enough credit for. He knows all, but we manage to limit Him with our own limitations. yeah, let's make God restricted by his creation... right. until then---

2007-10-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

my shirt today reads:

FACT:
Because the weather is very good today, it turns through the mountain path comfortably by cab
Music to be left to the ears is thought to be important even now

profound??? oh well. i love the shirt and that's why i bought it. until then---

2007-10-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

oh and i finally can take a shower after almost a week of not being able to (my last shower was on friday... also LAST MONTH!). hurray, no more french baths! until then---

2007-10-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

i was listening to recordings this morning of riffs and songs that Kindred Fall has been working on and i realized that i can't really stand the sound of my voice. it's weird for me to think about that now that i'm approaching a quarter-century of my life, but every time i heard my voice talking (not singing, mind you), i sort of cringed. what the heck? i've been hearing my voice recorded for almost as long as i've been alive, but now i find this out: my voice is annoying. i just wanted to apologize. until then---

2007-10-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

ever been to "blah blah" land? it's way worse than "la la" land because at least there everything is cool and sometimes a new stimulant introduces itself to my existance. "blah blah" is where i find myself. this place is going through motions or at least feeling like every motion that you may think is innovatinve or going somewhere takes you ablsolutely nowhere. oddly enough, this is not a cry for help of sorts (i need attention! friends come save me from the bustling doldrums!). rather it's just a state that i find myself and i'm jsut puzzled as to how i've gotten here.

somehow i wandered in to "blah blah" unknowing of the oddities of its existance. i'm managing to get by doing most of the things that i'd like to be doing at this time. not many people can say that right after graduating... well, anything. i've got an interestingly good relationship with my girlfriend of three years (i don't have to explain myself, i love her beyond my own death). and i've got great frindships that are also very interesting, to say the least. so if i'm being entertained, or am at least interested in the life i've come to know as my own, why the hell do i feel like i'm in "blah blah"?

maybe there is no proper answer and this land is just a place that passes over periodically just to make me question everything in my life and maybe make a change that i don't really want, or on the flip side, that i really do want and have suppressed it. idunno, but it's weird. i'm having trouble writing (in general... i guess this is going ok...) because i can't really string thoughts together long enough before i realize that "i don't know anything about this! what is this about anyway?" and i drop the idea like a bad habit.

well i sure hope that this passes over. i don't like being in "blah blah" when reality is quite good. maybe i'm stretching too hard for something unattainable. i wouldn't know. i can't think of anything i want with life that's completely out of my reach. until then---

2007-07-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

so this is love, i think as i'm sitting in my papsan, girlfriend laying curled up on me like a cat - so beautiful. it's 26 centigrade outside, but it feels about 30 in my room, and with her laying there it feels like about 34 - i'm sweating a bit. it's uncomfortable, but so soothing. she's just happy to lay there sleeping as i run many many thoughts though my mind like as to how i'm going to move my leg without waking her - my foot is asleep by now - but i also feel that sense of happiness. calm. it's something that i really haven't felt in a while in a relationship that has been tumultuous due to bigotry that you'd hope never to encounter. not in southern california. not with educated people. but it's there, still ever-present in a society in need of a transplant of priority. in a society in need of some unconditional attention. an "economy of mercy," as i've once heard it called, i think describes it well. this economic thought runs deep. no religion, no morals, no agenda. but it's common. we all feel it, even if we're loaded with cash or stuff that can turn into cash. problem is the ones that can actually see it are afraid of the ones they believe are the only that can do anything about it and the ones that only feel it can afford to numb the sensation. a lot like my foot... numb. but even that is uncomfortable. it's uncomfortable to see the world around me being taken over by a way that i don't see as my own and i don't think anyone should be forced into. if you want it, it can be there, but "not everyone is meant to go to college" - i heard that somewhere, too. not everyone is meant to be wallowing in debt, forced into work that their self would have knocked out for even thinking the notion. there is widespread belief that you cannot affect change. i say, you can't tell me what i can and cannot do, but that's another discussion. change is positive is you want it to be, negative if you want it to be. someone else's change for good may be a change for your bad. i see our commonalities to be beyond good and bad. this is beyond religion, morals, agendas. there's something about being uncomfortable for a few minutes while the woman who will love you forever takes a little nap. it's been a long day. we all need it once in a while. until then---

2007-05-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

THOUGhts WHILE STarING At A WALL

checking to see if you have you fly undone is like checking to make sure that you have you name on a test. you just got to do it! totally random i know, but hey, it's true.

2007-04-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

playing page boy again. it's inbetween rain and stall, luckily, since the pages that i'm delivering are exposed... and there are only three, stapled nicely together, but flapping noiselessly in the light brisk wind. i can tell that the wind will be bringing more rain, just don't know how soon.

mission accomplished, i leave 434 and immediately it begings to rain - that Southern California rain that the rest of the world laughs at - and i wish that i'd considered taking my umbrella when i'd left to deliver. at least some knit gloves. i don't even know if i have them with me, but i can assume so. i had no reason to remove them from my back pack. i never have reason to remove anything from my back pack. i'm looking forward to lower back massages and visits to the chiropractor; i saw it on my palm along with my 1.5 kids.

i see a Schwans delivery truck. doing a similar job as i, but he knows what he delivers brings smiles upon the faces receiving his goods. i am reminded of home, my sister and i chomping on the mini pizzas and washing them down with ice cream sandwiches. my diet hasn't changed. i can't afford for it to. well not yet.

even in the cold, i wanted to order some ice cream from the man, but not like he would stop: the light was green and i should have signaled about 30 steps ago. even then, i don't think he's the ice cream man. "STOP WARNING CHILDREN" donned the last one of those that i saw. hooray for sentence structure. who am i kidding? i don't even capitalize my sentences. ah convention... whatever that means.

until then---

2007-02-16T15:59:00.000-08:00

so i know that this is a couple of days late but here's my V-day rant:

actually...

i'm not feeling the rant.

i didn't see anything to make me feel as though i need to rant about the commercialism of the holiday. i spend most of my time just reminding people of the saint that it is so named after. i didn't say much more than that, as i don't actually remember all that he did. i just remember him being a rather righteous fellow with a few good ideas that led to our cannonizing of him in a holiday. look him up. he's like St. Niklaus...

anyway, in short, i ended up actually doing something on V-day. my girlfriend (of almost 2.5 years now, wow) has never done anything for the holiday with a significant other. as much as i don't really like to endulge in the actions of overkilling a holiday and destrying it's meaning and purpose, she still wanted to do something. we just went to dinner, but it was a nice date. time to get away for a moment with the one that i love so dearly. to me it was just the 14th of february, a wednesday, and a night out. to my girlfriend it was a beautiful Valentine's Day spent with the person she loves. which is better? i've yet to know. happy belated V-day. until then---

2007-01-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

i just deleted the first words of what may have been the beginning of this sentence at least 10 times... i don't know why but i really wanted the sentence to be good. i still think that it sucks, but it has achieved it's purpose. moving on...
i just finished watching "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" which may be one the most amazing stories that i've heard in a while or may ever hear. this guy is amazing and i'm reall upset with myself (though it may not be any fault of mine) that i had no clue who this guy was until i watched the film. i wouldn't have watched the film if it weren't for Kyle. (God i'm going to miss being right up the street from him...) if ou have the means, and are an artist of any sort, freaking check out this film. Kyle also suggested i watch "Touch the Sound" which i had done a while back, and that is amazing too. watching stuff like that makes me feel like i've done nothing with my pasion that they've taken to a level of masterpiece and are uninhibited by anythign that surrounds them. sounds like playing the line of insanity, but is it? what's crazy is to think that doing the same thing over and over will produce a different result. but in art, can't that happen? just watch the films... if you know me, i'll hold on to them for a while longer (i've already had them both for 2 1/2 months). until then---

2006-12-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

hopefully this isn't just another feeble attempt to get back into writing. i've missed it and have basically just pushed my extra-curricular writing to the side for the sake of keeping up with my school-work. it's a lame excuse.
so what happened first was that my band did happen to make it to the second round of the battle in which we were soundly beaten, but not without a fight. we put on a damn good show and, for the most part, played very well. a talent scout saw us and requested that we contact him. that's in the works right now. other than that, we're in the search for a drummer again, which really slows down the momentum that we were building up. we're getting calls left and right for us to play shows, but we can't do them without a drummer... they're just not condusive.
so i'm on to my last semester and that's really exciting. we'll see what happens next. this past semester has allowed for me to read more shakespeare then i thought that i could handle.. comedies and histories. geez, that guy was talented. there's a lot that i can glean from the writing that Bill has done and i'm finishing the set of folios next semester (romances and tragedies... quite depressing, really). it'l be good in the end to be able to have more time to work on what really matters to me: my music. hopefully i'll be in a place where that works out. nearing the end of another year, looking to the future. until then---

2006-08-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

if kindred fall doesn't advance in the battle of the bands we're going to be done for a long while. i plan not to even pick up my guitar for thirty days after our elimination so that i may indulge myself in other things; spending more time writing, reading, etc. i don't know when things will resume, but i assume that they will at some point... way down the line. until then---

2006-07-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading Deep River by Susaku Endo. Nicole let me borrow this book before she left for italy and pretty much right after i'd returned from japan. i left japan with a feeling that i can't really explain in words. the country is, in a sense, an identity search for itself. and it's not like most of us are not in that same search individually but for a country that has, as an entire nation, endured the true problems of following a single-minded madman (WWII; germans are very similar to this description, so i have heard), they are all in some sort of a search. the older generation looking upon the younger with much harsher distain than "oh, when i was your age...", or, "back in my day...", and the younger all wanting to find their unique selves similar to how their western counterparts are able to do freely creates an order or tradition mixed with our western capitalistic bs that we cling on to in the west and force down others' throats at every opportunity. religion seems to scare most of them... even buddhism (which i'm sure that most in the US would tend to think they all are buddhist) is more of a tradition there than any other i've seen practiced in a country known for it (yup, even the two-service-a-year/TBN Christians are practicing less tradition... or maybe there are just less, and less...). the book hits a lot of these type of things and i recommend reading it. it's a good book to just dwell on a bit and raises a lot of questions about the Christian faith (posed also as 'european Christianity') and a few other ideas about life purpose... it even leaves with a cliffhanger! (which, i must admit, i don't know if i liked, coz i'm not sure how much it added to the story. you decide.) i finished it only thinking of Switchfoot's "Happy is a Yuppie Word." a great song, but there are times when i haven't really been feeling or have forgotten it's power and wasn't thinking of the larger picture that it was created from. Jon Foreman took the piece from Solomons' Ecclesiastes and i think that Solomon was indeed wise and that his words are spoken well through Jon's interpretation. i'll leave you with it:

Everyone dies
Everyone loves a fight
Nothing is sound
Nothing is right side right
Evening comes, when the sun goes down in red
Nothing is cool
When will all the fighting end

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out (cash out)

Everything fails
Everything runs it's course
A time and a place, for all of this loving war
Everyone buys, everyone's gotta price, and nothing is new
When will all the failures rise, rise!

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out

Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word

Looking for an orphanage
I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down
I don't believe the emptiness
I'm looking for the kingdom coming down
Everything is meaningless
I want more than simple cash can buy
Happy is a yuppie word
Happy is a yuppie,

Nothing is sound

Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
Happy is a yuppie word

So calm down, yeah!

until then...

2006-06-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

today we are taking a break from intense travelling around and planning the rest of our days here in the land of the rising sun.. though i think that i've seen it only about twice all trip. it's typhoon season so i think that the cloud cover is over the whole country but it only chooses to rain in some parts of it. anyway, our plans to see a majority of a country that is roughly the size of california (but smaller) have been slighty put off by a family friend, Taro, who is awesome btw. he informed both me and nichole that to see all that we were thinking of seeing, like one of the largest feudal castles in Japan, is like taking a trip from cali to see the statue of liberty. my mind is thinking "no way... that's sooo much further away," but i then realized that when we went to Tokyo, there were Japanese tourists there... the same way we get them in th states. (actually kind of funny.) so our plan is to see all that is in the area. for instance, we plan to climb mt. fuji. very imprortant. it'll be awesome. anyway, the days have been good, and we've learned a lot about the love that the Japanese have for americans and why that exists and many other things. oh, and i heard a really good Japanese band on the radio at the mall last night. i didn't get the name, but it was the best imitation of anything that we have in the states that i've heard. not my usual style of rock i'd say, but i'd listen to it because it's Japanese. interesting outlook on things right now i think. things are good. Nichole just mentioned the Pokemon center... i think we're set on our plans for the day... until then---

2006-06-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

so, i'm in Japan. that's pretty cool. i probably just finished having one of the most stressfull days ever... moving sucks. Also, pulling an all-nighter just before changing timezones to the other side of the world = not a good thing. but it shall be good anyway. until then---

2006-05-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

i know i joke and say "gosh! i hate my life!" i think now a large part of me really does. or maybe i've just been lying to myself all along. i was listening to Sheryl Crow (look, i'm a fan... deal) and her song "If it Makes You Happy" came on. here's the lyrics:

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

sure, i don't get stoned, but i know that i would if i didn't mind the idea of putting smoke in my lungs, and dammit, i'd get freaking wasted every night if my girlfriend's voice wasn't always in the back of my mind. i'm thankful for that, because nothing else is really stopping me from doing those sort of things. i've in a sense given up, and i don't think that anyone cares. that's fine, it's not your job. it was inevitable anyway. i'm not as cool as anyone ever thought... i knew it all along. people may call me humble, but reality is that i just tell the truth. when people tell me "you're good at" this or that, or "you're a great friend" i definitely never agree. if i have, i must have been very ill that day. i don't see it. i'm very focused on my goals, and i'm finding them quite stale at the moment... and to be honest, i don't have much backing me up. it sounds like i'm complaining to me... that sucks. i'm sure some out there would tell me "oh no, you're not complaining, it's good to get these things off your chest..." well why the fuck don't you care to ask me? i'm really good at hiding under my smile... my teeth look too good not to try and show them off every once in a while, but wtf? i'm not really happy. i feel trapped by everything. i've got no real friendships anymore. all of those who were once friends are now acquaintances if not lower down the totem pole. and yes, i'm freaking busy, but so are all of you, so don't get pissed off at me that "we don't hang out." and by the way, i don't always have to make the phone call. basically i'm at a very stale point in my life right now. nothing is really all that exciting. but everyone else still is very excited about nothing. that's right. nothing. or you are all faking it too. why the hell am i so sad? until then---

2006-05-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

i "only call people when i need something from them." apparently, i don't have for my friends. i'm glad they think of me in such ways, and then do the same for me, or don't call at all. until then---

2005-12-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

THOuGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

sokay...brilliant one. i was wondering why we have all of these winter songe...."winter wonderland", "frosty the snow man", "chestnut roasting on an open fire"... and for the most part, they are only sung during Christmas time! do they not have any meaning other than Christmas? in reality, winter doesn't even start til literally right before Christmas! so what the heck? same with actual "Christ-being born" songs. there are few that i know that will sing those songs "out of season." yeah like there's a time when Christ's birth is out of season. anyway... riddle me that! unitl then---

2005-11-30T08:07:00.000-08:00

THOUGHTS WHILE StARING AT A WALL

what is it about our human particularalities (what a word...! that one's good, even if it's not real) that makes us not want to take the first stall in the bathroom? finish off the peanut butter? stuff like that. i mean, someone's got to do it, right? why don't most of us want to be that person. the last cheese danish is there at a party... if noone eats it it will got to waste. just take it! i guess it's similar to the mentality that ends up with people killed coz noone would help. idunno, where does this idea/mentality/particularality come from? until then---

2005-11-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

so i just got to thinking: Thanksgiving is probably the only truly American holiday that means more than just a rememberance day, or honoring. though, come to think of it, i can imagine some people thinking of it in that way. they'd celebrate the holiday, only because they have always celebrated the holiday. it's rote, and if the office was open, they'd be there...especially so they didn't have to see uncle joe. then celebrating it would include (not that this is bad...but i'm saying including the mentality) an outing to norms (or maybe better... it's the first place that came to mind... it's right up the street!), a quick happy thanksgiving to the family, eat and then go back home. yay, we just went out to celebrate thanksgiving! all i'm getting to is that this is one holiday that i think cannot be lost in the shuffle as a reason to just have a day off, or be over commercialized. there's something in the nature of the hoiday that should cause it to really stand for something more. and if people are willing to open up and be real about it, even those that don't have much can see many reasons to be thankful. and that means reasons to come together as a nation to celebrate that. until then---

2005-11-21T21:57:00.000-08:00

THOUGHTS WHILE STARING AT A WALL

(i came up with a segment called "thoughts while staring at a wall." i figure that it'd be a good way to post more often and to not have to be profound. the idea came to me while in a bathroom... staring at a wall... you can figure the rest, but 'we all do do it,' i thought to myself, 'and i'm sure we have random thought while we do.' so these may come from shower-time, potty-time, or whatever. here goes nothing...)

water is quite facinating. think about it: we as humans are at least 66% water and yet, as we touch it, it does not conform to our being. or even as it touches anything else for that matter. and the way in which it evaporates or even the fact that it does... i'm in awe of the h2o. until then---

2005-11-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

"Dream a dream so big that if you just get half of it, you'll still do okay. But don't hesistate. Dream big, man. Throw it out there. Lay out in bed at night and think about the biggest dream you can in you field and prepare yourself to do it. If you can see it, you can be it."

that is a quote from Quincy Jones (if you don't know who he is, look him up...very important person to music). i've been mulling over that one for a while... it's the quote of the month in my school planner, so i've had a while to sit one it. since the month's almost over i guess i should have something down by now...

"Dream a dream so big..." i don't think that i could live without my dreams. they give me hope. i know that they have to come from somewhere and for some reason, so i need to pay attention to them. i have weird dreams though, and the one that i'm chasing now, i've been chasing since middle school. i think that scares me more than anything else is that fact that i've been chasing for so long, what will it be like to catch it? i do sit up at night and dream/think of the biggest thing that i want to do, and i don't know if i'll ever get there, let alone be moving any closer to it. for being so focused in my consious as to what i've been chasing, i don't seem to be getting any headway. i know and believe that i'll get done what GOD wants me too, and also know that he give us the desires of our hearts, minds, spirit... so HE wouldn't do this to me in vain. but at the same time, what is in vain to me, may not be to Him. what He may place in my mind, i guess i may never achieve, but it will drive me to where He wants me to be. for me, either i'm blind or too needy, but i feel that i need some sort of reassurance that i'm headed the right direction. i know that my life was never meant to be easy, and i've come to terms with that somewhat, but i would like to have some way of knowing that this will come to something that i've had on me for years and years. i've gained and lost (definitely, at least in their closeness) many great friendships because of my choices to follow this dream... it takes a lot more time and i can't spread myself anymore thin than i already have been.. or can i and i'm just not trusting enough? i don't know at all.. never have. probably never to say i do... i guess i could work on that. more trust. more faith. though (as i've said before) i have faith that GOD will come through for me, and that He won't put me in a place that i'm not stong enough to get out of, buti never know when i'm being tested in my resiliance, or in my patience. try that one for size. until then---

2005-10-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes you have to wonder: how much change can someone handle at one time? so many things in my livfe have changed dramatically over the past year that it's crazy. then these past couple months have exponentially changed more, and these past few weeks...

i'm really just getting to the point that i don't know how much i can handle. and like i said a couple of weeks ago when i was talking about God not going to bail me out this time, i'm still at that point. i believe still that He won't give me anything that i cannot handle, but when the problems of my life affect others' lives, that's when i can't take it anymore. i'm at the point right now that i don't know if i'm ever going to get the reimbersement check from Chapman for my loan that i just took out so that i could pay for "extrenuous(?) school costs." i should be doing literally 'all right', but i'm finding more and more things to be scared of like this and time is creeping up on me like a cold autumn wind. i'd like to think that my spiritual life is much better than it was even a couple of weeks ago, but i've not really gotten the teaching that i'm used to getting every week just about, nor am i haveing the fellowship with some loved ones that i feel to be a neseccity. it suck even more when i'm so busy, and i set a specific time aprat for that, and it just can happen. there's always so much to think about. my brain doesn't stop, and i get depressed when i think of the state of things... not for me, but for all of us. and the fact is, i know that there are others much worse off than i am. and that's where i'm stuck: how can i feel this way about myelf when there are so many others that don't even have it this good? until then---

2005-10-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

yeah i know that this is unconvetional being that i live right up the street from the "Big A", but finally...! THe White Sox are in the World Series!! after gme two , it wasn't even a battle anymore. i think that the Angels rolled over on this one. All i can say is, root the Sox on if you got beat by them... (that means the lot of you, hehe, sweet..) oh and i guess you can send all your "i hate the Chi Sox" mail to me for now.. i just wanna read it, and be happy that there can be such mail after 88 years of not having the privilege. that's all. until then---

2005-10-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

i know that it's been years since i've updated the look of this page, butfor some reason the old script wasn't working anymore, and you couldn't read anything. not so good. i had to change it, and i'm sad. the old layout was much more simple and i liked it that way. but some things have to change i guess...

so i was just randomly thinking about me and most of my friends and how most of us are lucky enough to have traveled a bit of the world and have even picked out places that we'd rather be outside of this country. i must say at this point that i don't think that it's a lack of love for our own country (at least entirely), but more out of our consiousness of what the U.S. looks like to the rest of the world and we don't want to be a part of that. i don't know... besides places in europe are so cultured in something based not in gain as much as they are in... culture, i guess. idunno. just a tidbit of my thought and not very organized or put together... but how is that any different than any of my other posts? until then---

2005-10-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

well i'm sitting here and i've decided to come back to this page that i've not been to in far too lang. i think by now all the thousands of people that used to come to this site are finally gone and i can finally just write. (right, and not like i wanted it anyway). i've really nothing to say, like usualy. not even a good story. i'm felling kinda sick... screwy in the head from it, and it's not too fun. i'm consistently tired, and it may have to do with the late nights with my girlfriend but i fall asleep there... that's why it turns into such a late night. anyway, i hate being sick. i'm flat broke at the moment, and it's scary. i'm actually very frightened at the idea that God may not help me out with a miraculous appearance of money this time. i'm in a huge hole and i need to find a way out. my girlfriend is trying her hardest to help me out, but i'm stubborn and besides, she should have to do such a thing... or even want to to the extent that she is. i love her so much. she truly cares for me in a way that i can't comprehend. if only her parants care about what she thought about anything the way she cares form me. that's a fun topic. anyway, i think thati'm done for now. i hope to stop by more often. ciao. until then---

2005-04-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

i need to write. it's been far too long and i really don't know what to say. i realized last night that i find myself doing entries in my head and never actually getting aroud to typing them out. my mind works a milea a second and never actually works anything out. a lot like my entries, it never says much. thinking to myself is becoming a bad thing. i betray everything that i believe in when i begane to have conversations in my head. there are many things that i'm proud of thinking through, but not many enough. i've come up with different ideas of what my faith is really about and i've been challenged to think that way. not bad. that should happen with your faith. it should make it stronger. if your faith isn't challenged, what is it you're believing in? this goes into many other discussions that i could have, but there's always two thing that i find myself thinking about when it comes to being challenged. i'll just leave it at: i believe i'm a good guy, and grew up that way, and i have musical talent that surpasses a majority of the population (i'm not being cocky, i know plenty of people with as much or more talent than i, but i'm talking world here... they've got other talents i can't touch). believing these two things has been challenged and often times i've not had faith in them. why should that happen if i believe them to be true? i've found recently that this world is all about what you know. but just knowing something is a cop-out and it fails in many ways. i believe that if something is true, you have to believe it's true, not know that it's true. belief comes before knowledge, that's why we test things. i recently heard a story from a friend about how when she first became Christian that she tested God. it's hard for me to identify coz that seems something that you shouldn't do and i grew up learning that somewhat. but i think that there is definitely good merit in that. there's a book i 've read most of (it's short), Prayer of Jabez, which is about petitioning God in prayer. i've never been one to ask people for things. i hate doing it and i think that it makes me faulty as a leader and has caused me stress in other areas. so asking God which above all that and already knows everything is sometimes very hard for me. i know that he has my best interest at heart when ever things happen to me that i don't understand so that keeps me even more distant at times. as i know that He's got control regardless of what i do. this God that doesn't need humanity, but wants to enjoy our lives with us. our simple minds that cannot grasp the concept of relationship. this spills over into our human relationships and doesn't allow for that perfection that He has for us. His example that He had die for us, made it seem simple, but i think the skeptics are right to think that we don't get the whole story in the Bible. though for them this discredits the Bible and what it's saying, i believe that it shows human inadequacy and God's ability to use us through that. the fact is He's made Himself known throughout the world. even in places that have never heard of Him have been able to see and acknowledge His work. the 'good book' helps us to believe with suffecient reason, as opposed to blind belief. but it doesn't give all the answers and it's ben twisted and turned around in so many ways. it must be remembered that though the whole book is truth, the truth is spoken only by God (i.e. those with red-letter New Testaments... it'll be the red-letter). and that's the one thing that i can know. until then---

2005-03-10T23:51:00.000-08:00

i've definitely decided that i'll never know the way that things are 'supposed' to go with me. my life, especially as of late, has really thrown me a lot of curveballs and sliders.... maybe more so knuckleballs. for those of you that don't know what a knuckleball is, it's pretty dang evil. basically in any ballsport (namely baseball and soccer in my case) when the ball is thrown or kicked and i has no spin on it. none. in any direction. what this caused the ball to do is kinda float around in weird ways to it's destination. seriously, the thing wigs out. with that analogy, i have absolutely no clue what thing is going to come up next with the way my life is looking. i know that i have many decisions to make, and i have to make very smart choices with them but i have no clue what new perils any of those choices may bring. the idea that 'famine comes before the feast' or 'the sweet just isn't as sweet without the sour' has really come to a possible reality for me. i'm begining to truly believe that love is quite arbitrary and will just as easily pass me by as sweep me off the street. my love for music has caused me so much pain emotionally through it's odd musing. and that lack of control over those emotions has caused me to want to be calloused to them. that doesn't make good music. in fact, that can't make music. music is fueled by emotion, and i believe i've got it running through my veins. i'm a wreck due to the music in me. it needs out, and it needs truly be unleashed. i've re-evaluated my decision as a student to change from my original music major to liberal studies. i've found that to be the demise of my sanity. a friend (that i was dating at the time) said to me, "us musicians are far too passionate." that is the utmost truth (and i'm thinking is the reason that i'm not to be dating a musician, but that little fact aside...) and i found that i couldn't quell the passion for music in the mediocre major that is liberal studies. i've become my own tyrant. alone in my dictatorship of self. my world is confuzzled and i'm lost in it. it takes me in, chews me up, and regergitates me over and over. i feel the same things but stronger, and i get into similar pickles but larger and more life changing. "nothing is new under the sun." life is repetitive. it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are. i'm lost... and a much as i enjoy getting lost, i like to know that there will be a destination. until then---

2005-02-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

i miss the sun. and i'm tired of rain. really tired. kinda fed up. i couldn't live in a climate that is normally like this for this long. the last time i remember this much rain in socal was the "el nino (i like "negro," hehe)" year. and again, i'm not in the mountains. i think i could do snow, but rain... you can't do as much in. snow is much more fun. that's all. until then---

2005-02-14T21:07:00.000-08:00

ahem! *tapping an imaginary microphone while gesturing for everyones attention* AHEM! *he stands on a soap box ready to begin...*

yes. it's that time of year again. that time, when i always have something to say. something right. something wrong. something to think about. if i'm not mistaken, this is the fourth anniversary of this 14th day of February posts that i've been able to enlighten myself with. oh yes, and all of you...
i feel as though i'm late on this, but it's been a busy day. like all of the corporate whores, this year i did a little exploiting of a holiday that used to mean something: i was a delivery boy this morning. i delivered flowers to many a non-expecting person today just to make money. and though there was a slight enjoyment of seeing happy faces, i returned the favor only in hopes of a tip. sad? yeah, a bit, but when your as poor as i am, there's no time for that sort of expensive enjoyment.
so, unlike last year, i was not even planning on doing anything for this special day though everyone around me seems to have caught some sort of fever. it's interesting to watch. and though i'm sad that, i have no one to share the "corporate whores day #1 of the year" with if i wanted to, it's been a pretty good day. as a friend of mine mentioned to me, "it's 'reminder of being single day'" (or something like that... it was about 10 hours ago). no big deal. i've really been too consumed with issues that are haunting me and taunting me to the point of insanity. i'm not myself. according to my recent aim away messages, i've become many different parts of jack. very melancholy and you can see my last post. enough said. it's been rough. the last thing that i need is the trouble that i put myself through just trying to make it. so far, today is marking something of a change in how i am approaching everything. i had goals and i feel that i've been trying to settle for something short of what i could do with them. my new goal is to stay the course, no matter how tough, how many times my heart has to break, my spirit stomped on, or my very being crushed. i'm holding on to what i believe... not what i know. since i'm finding that what i know is useless to me anyhow. it just gets me into trouble. thank you and good night. until then---

2005-02-07T00:56:00.000-08:00

i know that noone wants to read this, see this, or hear this, but what ever... this is my blog and i do what i want. i don't give a damn about Rawanda or a freaking hotel there. not now. i don't think that that's wrong when you can't even make your rent, you can't pay for school at a JC after getting kicked out of a private university and therefore can't get back into the university, and if i'm not going to school (which is becoming a better option even with this) at leat half time, i will have to start paying back school loans. it's not all about money, but we live in a world where it is all about money. in the world not of it. we're stuck here for as long as God wants to keep us here (and i'm hoping not too much longer for myself... i'm quite over it at this point), and that means that we're confined by it's rules. i hate those rules. my soul yearns for home, and my body yearns for life here. my souls hates it here, and my body won't quit. when will it? i was driving back from a show that i helped out with putting on (i got used for my PA) and i seriously thought for a bit 'how cool would it be to drive this car at 100 over the interchange?' i mean really. floating for a bit then plummeting to the ground. i thought that it'd be like a rollercoaster 'til i hit the ground. i'm too big a wuss to do something like that. i didn't let Tyler Durden let me let go of the wheel. obviously... i'm typing this now. there's so many times in my life that i've thought of doing things like that... but i'll just say that it's been a long time. these thoughts coming back are a little freakiy, but a little warm. it's the battle inside me that i've got to fight. on side will lose, and i don't know which i want to win. until then--

2005-01-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

i feel i'm antisocial. i can't seem to get it right, what ever it is. there's something wrong with me and i can't put my finger on it. is it my unfortunate problem; my heart and mind fighting each other? dueling pawns in a masquerade? i don't know what to look for. what to read. i don't recognize myself anymore. though i look the same, everything will change. my head, it spins, and i don't wanna leave the room. but i do. i want to see. maybe i can be somebody else. i'm alienated. i've done it myself. i think. therefore, i must be? or maybe it's you that must be because i think. blur is more like radiohead than i thought. so much for thinking.
so poor, i make no living. what do you see in me? i don't think you do. i dont' think you know what you see, what you want. who you are, who you want... to be? well i did... yesterday. not anymore. i've lost it all... i thought that was enough. that's what i remember. "only the losers win." that's what i thought a time ago. now i wish that were true. i haven't found that just yet to come to pass. what happened? my plan hasn't been Yours for how long now? i wouldn't know... i though it was doing pretty good. there i go... thinking. here i come... until then---

2005-01-20T18:02:00.000-08:00

driving to and from this place is always going to be great. driving to get there, i see hills and hills of green grass. it's like driving the autostrade in Sicily, except here, you have to pay for it. when it's clear, as it has been, you can even see the ocean way off to the west/right. so great. but the really awesom thing is leaving at sunset hour. a thin cloud cover had rested upon the sky in the past few hours, but when going home, it created a radiant pink/orange/white expanse across the sky. in one section where you can see the ocean (now on the drivers side), it was so clear that i could see the beautiful Catalina streched across the horizon while on the right, light purple snow-capped mountains rise above the low lit still green hills. the sun underneath the clouds, and setting on the island created such a beautiful portrait. if i wasn't going about eighty and not in the fast lane i may have stopped. i wished for a passenger, not only to have a chance to photograph it, but to actually stop with you and enjoy the moment. i hope to catch a similar moment while i'm with you. not just in my mind, wishing you were there. until then---

2005-01-07T22:29:00.000-08:00

so right now we are currently in the studio. as it stands, i'm actually the only one in the studio, hence me taking some time to update with the happenings. AC has officailly disappeared for a while... noone knows where he went. Kyle went back to the house to get some things for the drum kit, just to get rid of some ringing, and some tea for me (thank GOD). speaking of God, he's been pretty good to us so far, despite initial shocks. we'll just say that i've been praising him since 8.00 this morning. it's been good and tough all in the same sentence. due to the weather, many things have changed for the weekend, and many things have almost been postponed, etc. we almost didn't have Kyle here this morning due to rough sea conditions due to the 'storm' that we're having currently. we almost had no way to get anything done as far as recording coz we couldn't get anything working... kinda like freshman year, but we got a hold of Josh V. luckily and got some coveted equippment that got us out of a jam. AC seems to have made it back now, so now i'm not alone... haha. so in the same words, God has been good. unfortunatly, i seem to have caught some sort of throat bug, and it's not friendly. my speaking will be limited (and all of my friends and aquaintances just exahled a "thank God for that") in hopes that i will be able to sing up to par when it comes down to recording the vocal track. in prayer on that one for sure. so it's a good start... we're thinking of camping out in here for the next couple of nights... haha... maybe. it could be fun...it is very warm... anyway, when you start the day seeing your favorite lady friend, how can you go wrong? (i won't answer that...it's rhetorical and very specific to the situation). anyway, off to continue setting more stuff up. until then--