on this last friday before i turn 30, i'm doing everything i can to not think about the fact that i'm going to be OLD. well, at least that's what my younger self considers that age to be.

i can remember 13 years ago when i was so upset that i didn't already have a recording contract.

man, i knew nothing then.

but even so, there's a large part of me that really wishes that that had been a reality for me. i'm curious as to what that would have looked like. but then i think about the experiences that i've had since then that have indeed been priceless.

the fact now that i can easily see that i'm a work in progress. and that i wouldn't be happy if i wasn't continually being a project of my own being. consistently trying to refine and define what i've come to know as the essence of ME.

30 years.

i look and see that i'm still in love with music. in love with the talents that are so God breathed it's crazy and knowing that i have to cultivate them so they continue to flourish. 16 year old me realized that he knew so little about music, but didn't know what that meant.

to be honest i still don't know what that means. and i still know so little.

but i do know that i've grown.

i look and see that i have a propensity for loving people - usually to the point of wearing myself thin - in an organizational manner more often than not.

but even with that, i somehow feel very alone just as well.

when i was younger (by that this time i mean up to last year) i figured that by now i'd be married, probably with a kid by now.

not happening in four days.

at this point, i'm hard-pressed to find a date for anything that i may want to do with... you know... a date.

at this point though - and why i found myself wanting to mark this somehow - i hope to continue to age gracefully. really, that's more than good enough for me.

i know that my days are finite. i don't know when they will end. so i will continue to do what i love and be who i am. all the while i'll be refining and defining more and more.

i'll reach whatever is set for me when the time comes.

until then---